Congressional Ball

How did you know I have a minivan? - Just a good guess.

Ugh, yeah.

I mean, my license expired a few years ago, but I get the general idea.

My Donald. He has chemo today. (GASPS) Fantastic.

Check out the tits in the third row. I could dribble those things like basketballs.

Drop the puck? - Common hockey term.

Oh, I just heard the buzzer. That is the end of the third period. See you at the next face-off.

Well, I suppose putting a few pictures up of Muhammad never hurt anyone.

She's a lesbian, Mike. She's not a werewolf. Although either one would explain why she never shaves her legs.

When does the White House's most useless press secretary list come out? I can't wait to see who's number one this year. - I voted for Mike.

I don't think you're in it this year, Ame.

There you go, Amy. Problem solved.

Who's 22? The Elephant Man?

This year? It's the 50 Hottest Staffers, Jonah, not the 50 people most likely to kill themselves before trial.

I am on a career rocket ship to Mars right now, Dan, except I'm gonna leave Matt Damon there because the guy made potatoes in his own shit like a fucking animal.

Find a woman who was on it last year, but not this year. I mean, that's like a 'make her pay for dinner' situation.

If you don't look like someone melted Play-Doh all over a flagpole, it does.

Well, it makes sense. He's got beautiful eyes.

And once you're all done with them, I'll move in and squirt a half gallon of ropey jism into their modeled congressional cornholes.

Oh, you made it so far and then you just... (SIGHS)

No, Roger took my thing about ropey jism.

Literally anything.

Well, as the late, great Lionel Richie once said, 'Oh, what a feeling, I am dancing on the debt ceiling.'

OKAY, A: Lionel Richie is not dead, AND B: what the fuck does that even mean?

you sentient enema

Mother Mary dry humping a pillow. That is what I call natural talent.

Feel my dick. I am rock-hard for you right now, mister. You think I'm kidding. Feel it.

Granted, every town up here is just two dirty piles of snow connected by a covered bridge

I don't know. Maybe I was supposed to learn it in the second grade, but my teacher was a fucking bitch.

If you were like 10% less black, I could make you president.

Does she know I'm not the president of Cuba?

Are you wearing cologne? A little. (SNIFFS) Smells like birdseed.

Do you want to play it more like a mystery?

Okay, can you just speak English, Catherine? 'Cause I don't know what you're trying to say.

We'll keep it under the gaydar.

Who doesn't love a cappella, right? It's like a magic trick 'cause there are no instruments, of course.

You mean 11:00? Over there? Seriously, can you really not tell time?

The fluffers have done their work. It's time for the orgy to begin.

That's not his wife. - Okay. - This is one of my staffers, Nadia. - She's a prostitute.

Maybe you ride the pine on this one for a period or two.

You noticed the hockey references? Shit, I thought they were seamless.

You're the only woman who's ever threatened to grate my balls over a bowl of spaghetti.

Our first responders were terribly traumatized by what happened to the first responders in New York.

The budget has a fatter, more womanly behind than myself.

God, I feel like somebody's playing a trick on him. They're about to dump a bucket of pig's blood on his head.

I'm not saying you're gonna be in the top 20, but you would be a lock for, like, mid 40s.

Look at him, he's smiling like his shit's all pine-fresh smelling.

Listen, I wish I was hip enough to hang here with you all, but I've got to go deal with... - You're a busy girl. - Tell Liz I love her.

I got it! I got it! The widow saw me filming her and she got mad. She called me some truly awful things. - Oh, thank you, Satan.

I went to turn it on, but it was already on, so I turned it off. Then I went to turn it off, but it already was off, so I turned it on.

(SIGHS) I had such plans for you, Richard.

Like Baxter.

Well, at least we know you don't need big balls. - Got large stones for sure.

I was warned that you would say some hurtful things.

she's got your balls in her hand and she's working your shaft just the way you like it. And moments before you're about to come all over her stupid Slavic face, she says, 'Nyet, after much prayerful consideration, I have to abstain from the upcoming blowjob.' Are you Nadia in this situation?

You're trying to get up the courage to ask me to dance. (LAUGHS) Guilty.

(WHISPERS) the Cocksucking Backstabber.

Oh, right, right. Um... (WHISPERS) the Cocksucking Backstabber.

How stupid are you, you motherfucking snake?

What? Charlie Baird? What does Charlie Baird have to do with any of this? - I don't know. He's got nothing to do with it.

How stupid are you, you motherfucking snake?

No straight man remembers a woman's shoes.

Well, you got me. I'm gay, so...

Well, you got me. I'm gay, so...

All right, I wanted to fuck your brains out! - There you go. And now you're trying to fuck me tonight. - No, I am fucking you tonight.

Listen, I'm a high functioning alcoholic and you're a sloppy weekend drunk. Now get with it.

So why does your shirt say Jon H Ryan? - Fuck.

Although pocket pool is more my game.

People like you, you look like us, but there's a little piece missing. You're like a different species and one that I hope gets struck from the Earth because you're a bully and Jonah Ryan stands up to bullies.

Okay, you and Boo-Boo the ball-fondling bear here have exactly two seconds to get the fuck out.

The teenager selling cocaine in the bathroom thought so, too.

It's where Woodrow Wilson had some of his most significant strokes.

You're playing a very dangerous game of chicken with the head fucking hen.

And then I'm gonna have the IRS crawl so far up your husband's colon, he's gonna wish the only thing they find is more cancer.

Or do I need to shove a box of White House M&Ms up your stretched-out, six-baby vag?

You're not hot. Gary Welsh at State is. You're a typo.

Fuck me, Amadeus.

Fuck me, Amadeus.

After the national elections, the president may have found herself with a bad lie in the rough, but after stabilizing the economy, the House vote is starting to look like a gimme putt.