Somebody to Love

Somebody on my block is making waffles, and it's makin' me horny!

Wait, you smell maple syrup too? You live all the way in jersey. That's weird.

Don't panic, lemon. It's probably not a chemical attack. What do you mean 'probably'?

It's a chemical agent we sold to the Saudis in the 1980s. It smells exactly like maple syrup. But I don't think this is it.

Because northrax kills you within ten seconds.

I get my haircut every two days. After all, your hair is your head suit.

I'm going to a party tonight honoring Robert Novak. It's being thrown by John McCain and John Bauer. Um, I don't think he's real. Oh, I assure you, lemon, John McCain is very real.

When it comes to hair, no one is more bitchy than conservative males. Good lord, Donaghy. Did you comb your hair with a chicken bone?

Good lord, Donaghy. Did you comb your hair with a chicken bone?

Don't get peer pressured into invading Iran.

NOT POISONING RIVERS SINCE 1997

'Cause I saw on Martha Stewart how we're all doing everything wrong.

Sweet peaches! What have I done? Somewhere along the way, they must have slipped out the bottom.

Uncle butch was right. I'm just a stupid country bumpkin with great skin and soft hands.

They cost $2,500. I will find your pants!

I'm... liz. What's your name? Raheem. Raheem. That's-- that's my mother's name. No, it-- no, I'm just kidding.

He's weird. He wouldn't shake my hand. And I think it's because I'm a woman. And get this--he's got maps all over his walls.

That's different, that's-- that's an antique. And I'm a white lady.

Remember, I asked that black guy if he had seen Sideways?

I don't want to sound racist, but that pita pocket might be a terrorist. That sound racist?

Wow, I never would have pegged you for a University of Tennessee sorority girl.

For men, it's called a Hardy Boy.

Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants!

And I tried looking in the last place you'd ever expect. And, no, Mr. Donaghy's pants are not in the ladies' room at that laser tag place on 12th avenue.

What the what?

IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING

I mean, who knew that ottoman had wheels, right?

turning the children of Chickotagua orange.

I gave her the ottoman, and she walked out.

I'm kidding. Be an American--call it in.

If a bleeding heart liberal like you has any suspicions...

Well, sure, 'cause that Verizon wireless service is just unbeatable. I mean, if I saw a phone like that on TV, I would be like, 'where is my nearest retailer so I can... get one?'

Can we have our money now? Come on... big money.

In 1998, I got shot in the face by my neighbor's dog.

My neighbor had a Riverton hunting rifle with a faulty trigger safety. One day, his Jack Russell terrier started chewing the area, the gun went off, and shot me in the face.

So I did what was right: I sued Riverton, my neighbor, and the dog.

You know, I thought you made love like an ugly girl. So present, so grateful.

Oh, I get it: Romeo and Juliet. Capulets and Romulans.

I'm black, she's white. I'm black, she's light-skinned black. I'm black, she's 17.

and she does it like her dad's a minister.

We Parcells are neither wealthy nor circumcised, but we are proud.

Soon everyone will know the name Raheem Haddad.

I'm going to get into politics!

No, we're cool. Uh, I renounce Raheem. Raheem's a bad guy. USA number one!

I get my jamaican meat pies there.

And this is my brother Hakim. And these are the reasons you should choose us to be the next contestants on The Amazing Race!

We love America!

Tell her you want her privates and her privates to do a high-five.

Tell her she got some tig ol' biddies like the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders.

Tell her her butt look like a apple and you wanna take a bite.

We'll ignore our differences till the sex goes bad, then we'll walk away bitter and angry.

Stop eatin' people's old french fries, pigeon. Have some self-respect. Don't you know you can fly?

They put electrodes on my testicles, Liz. America's government shocked my nuts.

I want to do something spectacular with it.

Northrax. Hey! I made waffles. Thank god.