Jack Donaghy

Where's Gary? Gary's dead.

I'm Jack Donaghy, new VP of Development for NBC-GE-Universal-Kmart

We own Kmart now? / No.

5 inches, but it's thick

New York third-wave feminist, college-educated, single and pretending to be happy about it, overscheduled, undersexed

The GE trivection oven cooks perfect food five times faster than a conventional oven because it uses three kinds of heat

With three kinds of heat, you can cook a turkey in 22 minutes

I'm the new Vice President of east-coast television and microwave-oven programming.

You have the boldness of a much-younger woman

You're missing that third kind of heat.

Okay, the black guy? / The black movie star.

It's not illegal to fall asleep on your neighbor's roof. / Nor should it be.

I'm known for being reasonable.

You're dressed for Burger King. Should we make it Burger King?

You weigh 127 pounds. / Yeah.

You weigh 127 pounds

You hear about that chemical factory explosion outside of Colorado Springs? No. Good.

That is what we in the show business like to call a 'cameo.'

Jerry from set design. Wally, cue cards. Rupert Murdoch. Melinda Gates. Ziggy from the cartoon Ziggy.

Glaub mir. Diese 'Advantium Microwaves' sind die beste.

Then we could sit around and braid each other's hair until we get our periods at the same time.

Then I'll do what my father did when I was two. Lure you to the edge of the pool with a puppy, and push you in.

This is my office. Really? I see you bring a little feminine magic to everything you touch.

No, he's not your employee, he's your product.

I don't know. I'm a non-genius.

I can tell from your stress level that you have not been touched in quite some time... Not caressed, not massaged, not even groped on the subway.

I would think that a single woman's biggest worry would be choking to death alone in her apartment.

Poker night? Who plays? Really, that's all you got out of that?

What up, Tra? This round, Texas Doozy. Face cards are wild, 3 is a jinx, 5s are 25.

Well, then you best go home and put on your daddy's shoes, boy. This is a man's game.

Like, when Lutz here has a good hand, he stops eating.

Your shoes. Well, I'm straight. Those shoes are definitely bi-curious.

Did you know his middle name is Ellen? No, that's weird. Kenneth Ellen.

She thought you looked like Jennifer Jason Leigh. Really, she said that? Yes, I made her repeat it. I was sure she meant Jason Lee.

You are a puzzle, Kenneth Ellen. And I'm going to solve you.

Will you, little Kenneth Ellen Parcell from Stone Mountain, Georgia, growing up in your mama's tract house, dreaming of working on a TV show, dreaming of making it all the way to the NBC?

But you'll always be a pig farmer's son, boy, 'cause I smell fried bologna all over you.

The Italians have a saying, Lemon. 'Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.' And although they've never won a war or mass-produced a decent car, in this area, they are correct.

In five years, we'll all either be working for him... or be dead by his hand.

To master just its basic concepts, one must brave a five-day conference at a Sheraton

Fruit Lupus. No. Dingleberries. Fart Nuggets.

And I was wondering if we could do that. Do what? Dilbert.

And Brokaw says, 'Just go. Don't look back.' Now...I'm not a writer, but maybe there's a skit in that.

I was at a luncheon for Ann Coulter's 60th birthday.

Monkey Senate. We open on the Capitol--

Your eyes. You have those black shark's eyes. You know? Very intense.

I remember you mentioning what a big fan you are of the rapper Chamillionaire.

'Cause I was dancing with Frank? Oh, yes, yeah. I love Chamillionaire.

What group home did you escape from that you would dare talk to me like some plumber's wife in front of Ron Gordon and Bob Overmeyer?

Your ignorance was obvious when you waddled up to me with your thin-lipped mouth full of greasy peasant food and addressed me by my Christian name in front of the gentlemen from Fairfield.

But how would you know that with your nigh-40 years of public education and daytime television viewing?

I'm gonna have you writing promos for Arena Football so fast it'll make your inexplicably small head spin.

Go easy on the pizza.

And I'm here to talk to you today about a wonderful new synergy. It's called 'product integration.'

positive mentions-- or PosMens--of GE products

For example, you could write an episode where one of your characters purchases-- and is satisfied with... one of GE's direct-current drilling motors for an offshore or land-based project.

Get real, kids. You write skits mocking our presidents to fill time between car commercials.

Hippy humor. That's what I'm going for.

I'm watching Friends right now. What happens with Ross and Rachel? No, no. Don't tell me. Seriously. What were you saying?

You're such a Monica! Ah ha! You are.

Jack in the GE promo video failing repeatedly

Is it this? Or, if I may, this?

It's called, 'racial integration'-- No, that's not right, is it? It's called, 'product intergort'-- 'intergortian'?

Ha! That was fun, you guys. Didn't feel like five days, did it?

I've summited Kilimanjaro. I've showered with Greta Van Susteren.

Actions speak louder than words. Take care of it. Don't worry, I'll have it on your desk first thing in the morning. Look, I am tired of your promises! I want this thing fixed.

Those cards are a little confusing.

I think I can do it. No. You should definitely do it. It'll be hilarious. Oh, well, that'd be a refreshing change of pace for the show, wouldn't it?

I bow-hunt polar bear. I once drove a rental car into the Hudson just to practice escaping.

Ten years ago, I was an inch-and-a-half shorter than I am today. Sheer willpower.

If you were any other woman on earth... I would be turned on right now.

Lemon, these pages are blank.

No, you're all fired.

Don't be cute, Lemon. You're too old for that.

What's a drive-in? Of course. I don't know why I bothered to ask.

I can tell just from your physical appearance that you're obviously... 29.

What tragedy happened in your life that you insist upon punishing yourself with all this... mediocrity?

you have a piece of lettuce stuck in your hair.

He gave us the names of the most discreet private investigators to spy on our ex-wives.

There appears to be a gentleman making passionate, angry, love to himself.

Am I wrong, or is he in the middle of a staff meeting?

I didn't know they served chicken nuggets at this restaurant. It's cod. It's, uh-- They made it special.

I hope you enjoy the, uh, choices that you've made.

And that former call girl went on to become one of NBC's biggest news anchors.

[whispering] I love him.

I'm married with two beautiful kids and a pool. (Jack) Liz, I wasn't trying to set you up. I wanted to show you my handiwork.

Now Howard's earning seven figures and he's married to a swell Filipino gal.

That's right. He's the rat king.

That's right. He's the rat king. And there's only one way to break up with a rat. You have to cut him off completely.

You have to stuff your heart with steel wool and tinfoil. You must be ruthless. You must to be absolute. Remember always, you are The Exterminator.

No wonder your career is being held back by a lack of foresight and an addiction to dysfunctional relationships.

He knows about my marriage? No.

Tattoo's fake, Donaghy. Fake. Street cred. He's a genius.

So how did it go? He moved in with me. Well, of course he did.

Because if I have a choice between an international movie star, and a woman who does commercials for ShopRite-- No, no, no. Jenna doesn't do those commercials anymore. She got fired.

That's why my job is way better than yours. Way better.

You do a live Christmas Eve special from Kabul every year until the war on terror is won. Tell Tracy I'll see him tonight. You, black Irish bastard. Back at you, man.

Lemon, this is not open mike night at the Bryn Mawr student union.

Jack Welch has such unparalleled management skills, they named Welch's grape juice after him. Because he squeezes the sweetest juice out of his workers' mind grapes.

That doesn't even make sense. No, it doesn't, does it? I wrote it down in the middle of the night.

Cookie in the middle of the day? I gave blood. Does that burn calories?

Pete, did you know that men with full heads of hair on average earn 17% more than their bald counterparts?

Perhaps it's because bald men are generally less informed than men with full heads of hair.

I'm just kidding. It's real. I'm not like you.

When I first met Jack Welch, I thought he was such a great golfer, he made Bob Darnell look like Randy Barnes.

'The Rrr Jrr.' The what?

Leo's an excellent physician. And a pretty good dentist.

Estate tax reform.

It's after 6:00. What am I, a farmer?

Allergies are all in the mind, Lemon. I use to have a wicked peanut allergy. And now, witness.

Are you dating Condoleeza Rice? I'm not at liberty to say.

I'm choosing to ignore that remark on the basis that you are a godless, glassy-eyed Clintonista.

this collection of ladies' unmentionables with snaps and openings all over the place

Next time I see Putin, I'm gonna kick his teeth in.

I mean, I'm all for fantasy role-play, but Abu-Ghraib?

I'm all for fantasy role-play, but Abu-Ghraib?

Area code 407? Oh, no.

Jonathan, these cheap phones keep on shattering!

Who let 407 through? Jonathan, we have drills for this!

Business doesn't get me down. Business gets me off.

Lemon, do you realize that your little show accounts for 3% of our revenue but takes up 90% of my time?

Go to hell.

But to that woman... I'm always gonna be the punk kid who cried when Pop was run over by a mail truck.

No, Pop was my dog. My dad left when I was two... so I grew up calling my Collie Pop.

My mother tried to send me to Vietnam to make a man out of me. I was 12.

With a tea garden and fake rocks made of foam because she falls down a lot.

You see, Josh's father's an assassin with the Russian mafia. They call him El Matador.

I'm sending you our new super top secret invisible motorcycle.

For realses.

I keep pooping during sex.

Don't put little notes in their lunch bag that say, 'Mommy's watching you.' People find those things.

This is a woman that actually had a heart attack to prevent me from going on my honeymoon.

You carried me for nine months. Let me carry you now.

Well, right back at you, Colleen! Yeah, that's right! You cut Pop's balls off! And left him in the street to die!

I just bought the moon.

And she will outlive you. She's like Castro.

Oh, right right. And you have someone else's baby in your car.

Oh, yes. I'm a big fan of kidnapping. Especially by my middle management.

You must know Arsenio. Hall or Billingham?

Oh, you mean Jesus? No-- Miguel from set design. He's over there.

GE owns KitchenAll of Colorado, which owns JMI of Stanford, which owns Pokerfastlane.com, which owns Sheinhardt Wig Company, which owns NBC outright. NBC owns Winnipeg Iron Works which owns Ahp Chanagi Party Meats corporation of Pyongyang, North Korea.

I've got two ears and a heart, don't I?

Not the Ukraine. I own some property on the Dnieper River. In Volyn? Closer to Cherkasy.

She came at me with that angry little badger face of hers-- There it is right now.

They've adapted The Rural Juror? I'm a huge Kevin Grisham fan.

Goldberg or Billingham?

I'm going to be your bottom, Kenneth. And I want you to ride me as hard as you can.

Or get me a time machine so I can go back in time and smack your mom for smoking crack while she's pregnant.

Liz and Jenna, nothing.

Is this tube sock filled with bird seed?

Kenneth, this is not a job. This is an exercise in constant humiliation. You're fired.

Lemon, you're looking a little under the weather. Maybe you should go home.

This is pathetic. A joke. This whole show is a joke.

Prince Gerhardt is the last male descendant of the imperial house of Hapsburg. They ruled the Austro-Hungarian Empire, The Defenestration of Prague

Theatre tech. I see.

Lemon, I date socialites and models and actresses, Liz Hurley... in the '90s.

Most people in his situation would be angry with their family for the centuries of inbreeding, but not Gerhardt. He's too busy trying to stave off infection.

It was part of the Big Brother Little Sister program.

Sexually... she wanted it four or five times a day, always standing up. Standing up. What? How does that even work?

When Gerhardt was born, the doctor told his mother and cousin he would either live for 15 minutes or for 100 years. Boy, he proved them all wrong.

I'm 12 years younger than you. A woman your age, then.

I had "lunch" with Martha Stewart and "dinner" with her daughter, Alexis. Gross.

They're very expensive freshwater clams from the... Cuyahoga River.

one minute, you're newlyweds making love on the floor of the Concorde. Then the next, your lawyers are fighting over who gets to keep the box your dog defecates in.

You taught your dog to poop in a box? Bianca did. But I want that box.

Marriage is a competition. And after 18 years of overtime, I am finally going to claim victory.

I mean, if you met her, you might think she's wonderful. But, believe me, she is the succubus from the bowels of hell.

I wish I could touch her boobs again. She really had a fabulous pair of boobs.

I admit sometimes I would fantasize about her getting various terminal illnesses, and I would nurse her... to her death.

what are you doing tonight?

No. It gives me a headache. This is a Krug Clos du Mesnil, and I was saving it for a special occasion.

Marry, boff, kill... Bianca. Which do you want to do? All of them.

I wouldn't be surprised if that 5-inch scar across my abdomen was suddenly gone.

I'm gonna shut it down, leave it vacant, open the windows, and let nature have at it.

Okay false alarm. It turns out she asked him to take it out.

I painted it myself.

Tomorrow I'm gonna be in an intense six hour foursome with three other men. And one of them will be Don Geiss and he's gonna get all of my attention. And you're just gonna sit back and watch.

This guys spends so much time in the sand that his nickname should be Falu-ser.

This isn't Hitler's bunker. That would make me Hitler.

Ted, who's best known for getting caught using a corporate credit card at a gay strip club.

I'm sorry, Amanda, you were bound to find that out eventually.

This is the men's room. Oh!

Next weekend Tracy and I are gonna double team Don Geiss with our big ideas.

It's nonny time.

Can't do that. Make it 4:00 AM. / That's no good. / 10:00. / Stop insulting me. / 3:00 AM. / Midnight. / You bring the coffee. / 2:30, you bring the coffee. / That's my final. / Done.

I would like to be Michelle Pfeiffer to your angry black kid who learns that poetry is just another way to rap.

These sunglasses have a chip in them that makes the lenses change color as my iPod loses power.

That's not how you play marbles, Jack. / But that's how you keep them.

One dollar.

These photos I found of Josh roughhousing with Lance Bass at SeaWorld.

My offer is now 75 cents.

I knew you weren't ready for a big chair.

I have written an op ed piece for the New York Times under Jenna's name in which I put the media on trial.

what happened in your childhood to make you believe that people are good?

I called my friend Saul Sheinhardt at our parent company Sheinhardt Wigs who called his nephew Morty Sheinhardt who called his son, John Stewart.

Ya burnt!

Do the worm! / Good Lord, the worm! That's so degrading. Are its origins German?

Must've been Angie Harmon

This ought to prove my mother wrong, saying that Donaghy is Gaelic for 'failure.'

She's a Murphy. Bunch of mud farmers and sheep rapists.

Oh, I'm gonna vomit! What the hell am I gonna do? I've got 10,000 cases of this crap.

Dewey, Cheatham, and Livingston

A black? That is offensive. No, no-- That's his last name. Steven Black.

Remarkable people, the Blacks. Musical, very athletic. Not very good swimmers. Again, I'm talking about the family.

When I was dating Condoleezza, there were genuine cultural tensions. I mean, we would go to the movies, and she would yell at the screen.

contains no lead and is not fatal if swallowed

Donaghy Estates tastes like the urine of Satan after a hefty portion of asparagus.

Well, pick out a stick. 'Cause Ridikolus is gonna be drinking Donaghy Estates tonight.

He's very unstable. Eh, did you get that at a cane shop?

The monkey died of natural causes, so we're in the clear.

You shot a Black! No no no no no-- It's cool; that's his last name.

That is the cutest thing I've ever seen. Isn't that adorable? You have to fire 10% of your staff.

We're synergizing backward overflow.

Now, there are 140 people on this show, so go out there and make 126 people very happy.

That's Dona-gee, not Dona-hee!

What'd you two dirtbags do now? Fix the Cotton Bowl?

I haven't seen Eddie since I bailed him out of Disney jail.

My dad and Eddie are a blotch on the Dona-hee name-- Dona-gee name.

I hated that bird.

Oh, come on, we're Irish. We're a forgiving people.

That's Patrick, this is Patricia, this is Katherine Catherine, and her husband Bobby, and this is, uh, Margaret. We just found out about her today.

And you still think our next President should be a woman?

Lemon, you've gone chicken killer on me over a guy whose name you don't know?

Dad? Your brother Eddie's dead. He wanted you to have his watch.

Say hello to Bono and Sandra Day O'Connor!

Say hello to Bono and Sandra Day O'Connor!

To know that they'll be there after I'm dead, fighting over my corpse before it's cryogenically frozen.

Whether things are good, or bad, or you're simply eating tacos in the park. There is always the crushing guilt.

He pioneered the concept of ten second internet sitcoms. Making it happen / Honey, I'm home. Oh, great. We made it

They can do shapes now. One time, I saw a cowboy hat. Boom, boom, boom.

Those weren't jokes. That was an appeal for a return to common sense and decency. / Well, it got big laughs.

Good God. Devin is gay. He's even more powerful than I thought.

I'm straighter than you are gay and I leave particles of guys like you in my wind.

No, Devin. I don't do that.

Kenneth, you are the worst gay bait ever.

Maybe it was some sort of brace or corrective boot you wore during childhood.

The kinds of shows we watched as kids sitting on our neighbor's knee.

What's that film where he turned into a dog? Uh, 'Fat Bitch,' sir.

To be perfectly honest, the first couple of people I did that to were not you, but... here we are.

I took the money from the sale of those pieces, and I bought a sailboat. And I named it after my ex-wife, and I sank it.

It's true... the Bianca Blows is somewhere at the bottom of the Peconic Bay.

I wish I were a horse... strong, free... my chestnut haunches glistening in the sun.

I'm not a creative type like you with your work sneakers and your left-handedness.

His name is Floyd. That's unfortunate.

Let's say Priscille, 9:00... be sure to wear a tie.

The only other 'Floyd' I ever knew was this Korean barber who used to cut my hair down in the 50th Street subway station. That's my dad. I'm Floyd Jr. I'm just kidding.

Lemon, I want to kiss your boyfriend on the mouth.

Or perhaps it's eating universal healthcare.

I don't give a damn about the masks. I'm on all fours trying to shove the corks back in the bottles.

Floyd is me 20 years ago. I'm Don Geiss 30 years ago. 20 years from now, Floyd will be me, I'm gonna be Don Geiss, and Don Geiss will be dead.

I mean, who eats 16 flautas after midnight?

Oh, God, I hope we're talking about the same thing.

Um, Phoebe, I want you to be my wife. Wait. What? Will you marry me? No.

Ow. I'm sorry. It's okay. Ow. Careful, my bones.

And now he's a post-op transgender.

It's...made of gold.

I haven't been above 72nd Street in over a decade.

wolf-like. Lupine.

For God sakes, Lemon, we'd all like to flee to the Cleve.

For God sakes, Lemon, we'd all like to flee to the Cleve. And club up down at the Flats and have lunch with Little Richard.

Yeah, we're all models west of the Allegheny.

Lemon, Phoebe was right. You are infatuated with me.

In Paris, France.

I will cut you open like a tauntaun... you mouth-breathing Appalachian!

Oh, God, this is it. Here it comes... the big one. Ride it, Donaghy. Ride it straight to hell!

I should have worked more.

Maybe this is the drugs talking, but I think I got Nixon to agree to come on the show and say, 'Sock it to me.'

You're the only person I know who wouldn't hesitate to pull the plug.

I no longer think you're doing a terrible job, and I'm very proud of you.

I'm gonna pull the plug now. Whoa, whoa. Just let me do it.

25 super-hot moms, 50 eighth grade boys, no rules.

That doesn't mean she's not a wonderful, caring milf.

So my old tech guys were able to digitally capture seinfeld, and now we can basically make him do or say whatever we want.

Jerry's in europe with his family right now. But by the time he gets back, seinfeldvision will be a monster hit, and his kids'll go to school, and their friends'll say i really loved your dad in that episode of medium last night, and he'S... he's gonna love it.

If there's two things i'm certain of, one is you will never finish that quilt

Lemon, women your age are more likely to be mauled at the zoo than get married.

Put floyd's name on that quilt.

She need to lose thirty pounds or gain sixty. anything between it, not place in television

Svenborgia? No. Better. But I can't tell you.

Jerry, don't be difficult. The fact of the matter is that seinfeldvision is perfectly legal, and there's nothing you can do to stop us.

You're gonna buy nbc, like you've got $4 million just laying around...

Remember, st. Barts, I saved your life from that shark? All right, jack. I'll come back. But I still think you shot a dolphin.

Number one--kill seinfeld. Number two--kill seinfeld, then kill myself. Number three--kill seinfeld, flee to svenborgia, then kill myself.

you seduce seinfeld. Now, why is me seducing seinfeld all the way at 70?

I got nothin'.

God--oh, god, jerry! I got nothing! You've got to do this for me, please! Oh, god, I've already sold the ad time!

Roker in a bee costume. Grenyarnia.

Lemon, don't ever say you're just you. Because you are better than you.

$4, 000 ham napkin.

I look pretty, though, right? Don't push it, lemon.

This is a $54 steak... And of course I can't eat it because of my recent, uh... heart attack. Secret heart attack.

You want to watch me eat this steak in front of you? That's what I want.

'like business, with a pillowy abyss of a lover's bosom, seems infinite'... Pillowy abyss? Ignore that part.

By talking about sex in a sailing magazine? That's exactly how Margaret Thatcher did it.

You ate that whole thing? A dog took it. He came out of nowhere.

No...no, no, no-- you are fat. Now go and see Dr. Spaceman right now and get this taken care of.

What, are we back in college freshman year? Let's go to the common room and talk about apartheid.

You drawn to the phallic nature of our skyline?

You can't, you're gay. No, not anymore, friend.

You mean the cult that was invented by Stan Lee? The religion founded by the alien king living inside Stan Lee.

Alan Garkel in legal-- I don't think he really needs that wheelchair.

She got big.

You earned me a grand! Thank you.

Your back is like a barrel of snakes! Oh, god! I'm just your doll! I think I love you. We're joking! It's all jokes!

I mean, I almost let a man die today, Caitlin. And for what? For a bigger office? For more money?

You mind if I watch you eat that? Okay.

Well, you do the same thing with your therapist every week, don't you?

I just like you more when you're fat

The 1976 Democratic National Convention. But it's okay, I was there beating up hippies

My brother Eddie sells faulty sprinkler systems to elementary schools

My mother's an Olympic level racist

Unless getting thrown out of a Chili's is a crime

I could never pay an English-speaking person that little. They'd starve

Yes, I'm Victor Nightingale

That's a fake! Giuliani doesn't collect dolls

I've always viewed it as an upside down 'wow'

Every time I meet a new person I figure out how I'm gonna fight 'em

You have a gimpy left knee, right?

Please tell Patty and Beth and all of them that, uh, Vic Nightingale says hello

You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch

Wait, how could Liz win a fellowship award? She doesn't like people. No, followship.

Presented annually to the woman... sorry, person, who best exemplifies a follower.

So resistant to product integration, cross-promotion, and adverlingus.

So what are you gonna do with your money, put it into a 401K? Yeah, I gotta get one of those. What?

Where do you invest your money, Liz? I have, like, 12 grand in checking. Are you an immigrant?

Except no dog fighting, okay? That seems to be the one thing that's off limits these days.

Tracy, don't play with matches! You're not my dad! Tracy, don't stare directly at the sun. It'll make you crazy. You're not my dad.

Fire her. And don't ever make me talk to a woman that old again.

You know who uses that phrase? People who don't have the guts or the brains to work inside the system. Letter writers, radicals, Howard Dean.

You got into this business because you're funny and you're weird and you're socially retarded.

What's a triangle graph? I don't know! It sounded real.

Suck it up, nerd.

Tracy, what if I told you that the one thing you cannot do is therapy? You're not my dad! We're doing therapy!

Hey, dummy! I'm mad at you too. Why you gotta act out that way? Now, pass me them damn collard Greens!

Dyn-o-mite! I think we're just doing good times now.

Lady, just because I'm an ignorant black man. And you paid me a nickel to bust up your chifforobe, doesn't give you the right to call me ridiculous just 'cause I'm proud of my son.

They got me. The honkeys shot me. No, dad! Don't die! I love you, dad!

You know, it's too bad you didn't know Howard Cosell when you were growing up. 'Cause I had that one in my pocket the whole time.

You make enough money, you can pay people to look at you naked.

Oh, and by the way, ge has a problem with the dog penis sketch.

To save the earth? So we can drain the remainder of its resources.

Greenzo! Saving the earth while maintaining profitability.

America's first non-judgmental, business-friendly environmental advocate. The free market will solve global warming, if that even exists.

Greenzo? Is that the first name that came to your head? Can you believe it? I mean, it just popped right there.

Colored people, broads, fairies, commies. Gosh, we gotta update these forms.

Yeah, right, Lemon. I'm gonna clone Geiss, then compete with a Geiss clone for the CEO position?

During your party, I'll be home, listening to some Schubert. And, uh, ironically, viewing some Canadian pornography.

Bob Logan from Texas Instruments is gonna be there? Logan must be in contention for the CEO spot as well.

Isn't that a fantastic joke?

So that's the way you wanna play this? Whip 'em out, measure 'em.

It doesn't matter if it's true. He works for that money.

We're developing that technology!

Is he gonna be the new Greenzo? Uh, not exactly. I may have gotten him here under false pretenses.

Your parent company could lobby Congress and the president to pass the treaty and save the climate. Yes, or... you could put on a silly hat and tell the kids how outsourcing means cheaper toys at Christmas.

Don't panic, lemon. It's probably not a chemical attack. What do you mean 'probably'?

It's a chemical agent we sold to the Saudis in the 1980s. It smells exactly like maple syrup. But I don't think this is it.

Because northrax kills you within ten seconds.

I get my haircut every two days. After all, your hair is your head suit.

I'm going to a party tonight honoring Robert Novak. It's being thrown by John McCain and John Bauer. Um, I don't think he's real. Oh, I assure you, lemon, John McCain is very real.

When it comes to hair, no one is more bitchy than conservative males. Good lord, Donaghy. Did you comb your hair with a chicken bone?

They cost $2,500. I will find your pants!

Wow, I never would have pegged you for a University of Tennessee sorority girl.

I mean, who knew that ottoman had wheels, right?

I gave her the ottoman, and she walked out.

I'm kidding. Be an American--call it in.

If a bleeding heart liberal like you has any suspicions...

You know, I thought you made love like an ugly girl. So present, so grateful.

and she does it like her dad's a minister.

We'll ignore our differences till the sex goes bad, then we'll walk away bitter and angry.

Big night, Lemon? Let me guess. Meatball sub, extra bread, bottle of NyQuil, TiVo 'Top Chef,' a little Miss Bonnie Raitt, lights out.

Then you won't mind when I tell you that Casey gets voted off tonight. / You monster! Why are you like this?

Dijonaise is a boy's name? Pardon me.

Everyone told us we were going to lose because our team was all white and the other team was completely... Uh... Anyway, we won

That's right. You shoot for the stars.

That's why I sponsor a charity that gives away tuxedoes to homeless people. It was a beautiful ceremony. Mazel tov.

It's like this great country of ours. We can go into any nation, impose our values, and make things better. It's what Bush is doing all over the globe.

Where did you two meet? An Amber Alert?

You've got money, status, naturally thick hair, a decent set.

One word. Surge. / That's two words!

Tracy, I'll pay somebody to read them for you.

These Dominican birth certificates say otherwise.

Sexual incompatibility, social faux pas, meeting their parents.

A younger companion makes you feel more alive. Opens you up to new experiences, fresh points of view, stimulating conversation. / Stop repeating what I say.

What? No. I mean this company is my girlfriend. She gives me all the loving I'll ever want or need. / That's gross, Jack.

What? No. I mean this company is my girlfriend. She gives me all the loving I'll ever want or need. / That's gross, Jack.

Don't worry. It's too early for the creative types, and I sent my assistant to a nonexistent Italian bakery out in Queens.

Take off your pants suit.

Oh! Workplace!

Lakeesha Gutierrez-Arafat

This corporation has a very strict 'bros before hos' policy.

Okay, if I can't say 'lovers,' you can't say 'feelings.'

And try not to dress like a small-town lesbian.

Well, Lemon, that was a good chat. Good luck with that alopecia problem of yours.

We had a longer invite list, but we thought for the sake of discretion... We had to eliminate anybody with any influence or connections or stature, so that pretty much left you.

Then we added Kenneth so you would have somebody to talk to.

I'm-a the plumber. I'm here-a to fix the washing machine.

$5 million each? That's NBA sexual-assault money.

It's like seeing a dog wearing clothes.

How do you and Mary Matalin make it work? She's a brilliant, patriotic Republican strategist, and you, let's face it, are a pinko nutjob.

She's my liberal, hippy-dippy mama. My groovy chick. My old lady.

Oh, won't people just end up shredding their photos? / If you want to photo-scan, you flip the switch to 'PS.' And if you want to paper-shred, you flip the switch to... Oh.

Isn't this the office you had before? I thought you were up for a big promotion. / I am, Mother. And there are only two nicer offices in the whole building. / Only two? I don't like the odds. I think you better let that dream go.

Is she Spanish? / What if she was, Mother? / She's very smart, Colleen. You'd like her. / My thanks to the peanut gallery.

I'm sending them to my mother's hotel room because the room service there is 'too salty.'

So, Jack, is this beautiful genius the best employee you've ever had or what? / No.

No, he was in a skiing accident, and he thinks it's 1985. / No, I get it. I'm talking about your parents.

I've never seen such relentless blind encouragement. No wonder you're a sexually frightened know-it-all.

I was pretty addicted to coke back in my Wall Street days.

Jack, do you have a bathroom that I can get to in a hurry? / Yes. Right... in here, Mother. / Well, that is close, isn't it?

Oh, I love that name! C. C. / Ooh, I'll be any girlfriend of yours is a real winner! / Well, she is a congresswoman. / Oh, my goodness! Congresswoman!

And she does have her own Lifetime movie. / Lifetime! Wowzers!

Why don't we cut the charade and you two tell me what exactly it is you want from me?

It's got cheese and butter and caramel. All my favorites. How did you know?

Oh, in his mind, Reagan is still president. / You lucky bastard.

Jack, you laced those up like a professional. / Good for you! / Nice to have some positive reinforcement, isn't it?

In my case, they're just stating the facts. I do look like the Arrow shirt man, I did lace up my skates professionally, and I did do a fabulous job finishing my muffin. You wish you were in my family.

Mother, there are terrorist cells that are more nurturing than you are.

See, Mother? Not all species eat their young.

Tomorrow night I'm gonna take you to a cathouse. / I hate cats. / You'll learn to love them.

We're trying to buy the largest cable network in Northern Europe. And if we do do that, it'll be huge.

Detlef, that is hilarious. Bavarians are so stingy!

Lemon, wanting someone to actually be part of your life -- I've never had that before.

Sure. Wait for that, and your first home will be in the floating city of New Chicago.

The founding fathers never intended for the poor to live into their 40s.

I honestly don't know how Kelly Ripa does it.

and this betting parlor in the Pennsylvania coal mining country is exactly half the distance between my office and yours.

Well, technically, that corner is exactly halfway, but I'm not going over there.

I missed so many weddings, funerals, karate demonstrations. Birthdays, Lilith fairs.

And I'm gonna love you like my boss is watching.

People from my old life will pass through town. They won't even recognize me. They'll just say, 'thanks, pap,' and then they'll buy some of my cider.

Oh, my god! I'm in looooove!

I just bought a German television studio. That's what I call a country breakfast.

I'll just tell Don Geiss that I let a subordinate with an unaccredited theater tech degree do a billion-dollar handshake deal

Deborah and shauna squaring off at erection cove.

Then I'll be at erection cove.

have her do her indian cab driver impression. She--she really pulls it off.

The critics said that same thing about shakespeare. Yeah,but shakespeare never had a confessional shower sponsored by dove pro-age.

It has sex,lies,puberty, betrayal,relay races.

So step aside, randy quaid.

My only other classmate was named gilly. He'd fallen through the ice as a child and was technically dead for 57 minutes.

They taught us to sweep sawdust so we could find work at a mill.

while gilly plays with himself in the corner.

No,they're not real, unfortunately.

Mrs. Stutterworth, stutterfingers... stuttermilk pancakes.

Gilly chewed through his headgear.

Soccer moms,nascar dads, white-collar pervs, and the obese.

I g-guess I'll always b-b-b-be that k-k-k-k-k-k- k-k-k-k-k-

I made up all that stuff about the extra baby foot too. I made that up--that was to make you feel better.

Heel,toe,lemon. Heel,toe.

So it doesn't turn into another giant sausage fest.

No, C. Nor and I had a falling-out after I switched to another dojo.

And Dateline predator. / Exonerated Dateline predator.

when I say subway, you say hero. / - Subway. - Hero?

That's Republican-- we count those.

the bravest New Yorker since Bernie Goetz

Dotcom, this need you have to be the smartest guy in the room is... off-putting. / I guess that's why I'm still single.

My cologne is distilled from the bilge water of Rupert Murdoch's yacht.

My fellow blackmericans-- / Can I just say black Americans? There's no such thing as blackmericans.

Winston dialed 911 with his beak and said fire, but only because he didn't know the word for rape.

That's why G.E.'s going to be introducing the pocket deep fryer.

I'd have my assistant sit on his naughty stool if he didn't love it so much.

I want my mother to know this before she dies, so she goes to her grave a defeated woman.

I guess that rules out the Federal Reserve.

Uh... hugging... so ethnic.

Geiss has stacked the Board of Directors with the most reliable collection of sycophantic yesmen this side of an Al Franken book signing.

His golf cronies, his Army buddies, various unemployable family members, and his hunting dogs.

Why am I smelling self-tanning cream and teeth whitener?

Once they cast Clay Aiken in Spamalot, I knew it was only a matter of time for you to show up here.

Well it's business drunk. It's like rich drunk. Either way,it's legal to drive.

That's why I love jorgenson here.

Jeez,jack,offer to buy a girl dinner first. classic lemon!

It's like when christian won project runway even though rami was clearly the better draper.

I hate-respect you. And I you.

I hate-respect you. - And I you

It was jorgenson's fault!

Hillary Clinton is president, sir! I thought I would just try to scare you out of it.

This morning, I had to cut my own cantaloupe.

12! You've got to wake up, please!

By the way, you know who hates unicorns? Mark Wahlberg.

I've been sleeping with the Cindy Crawford of corporations for the last 22 years. What am I supposed to do? Just lie down with some skank like 3M?

Good God, I'd rather work for an American car company than jump on that sinking ship.

12? Did I hit 12? I wanted, uh... 4012, which is 52, where I work. Business.

I even stopped to catch a snowflake with my tongue, but, evidently, that's some sort of signal in Chelsea.

You never know when someone's going to slip into a coma and leave you regretting all the things you didn't say or get in writing from the company's lawyers.

What I'm trying to say is you're... young and you still haven't blown it completely, so don't... start now.

What are you in charge of exactly? We're sharing the load. It's a bit of Homeland Security... We still have that?

...extreme weather preparedness, and the War on the Poor. You mean the War on Poverty. Yeah, okay, let's go with that.

The cryogenecists are already sharpening their head saws.

The ceiling appears to be leaking. No, it's not. We've looked into it, and it's not.

Do you need a pen? Nope, I've kind of gotten used to it.

We need hope. We need change. We need experience. We need pens.

He brings good things to light!

a nonlethal chemical weapon that would, 'reduce enemy soldiers' combat posture by making them totally gaybones for each other.'

Like eating a burrito before sex.

No crying in my bath tonight.

Oh, that explains your hair's thickness and shine.

The President gave me a nickname. 'The Jacker.'

Hello, pussycat. Oh, really? A lot of ladies get right in the car after that line, you creepy piece of... Jack!

That information is classified at least until Cheney dies. Which is going to be a long time from now. That man is mostly metal.

The last time, it took me 22 years. But I know so much more now this time. I think I can do it in nine.

With a little hard work, I'll be back to V.P. status before I'm 60. And if my home evaluation goes well I will be a mother by 50. We really can have it all.

She touched me in my swimsuit area. It made me very uncomfortable. It's not at all erotic and fun, like when men do it to women.

How far would I have to let her go to get my job back? Are we talking over the shirt? Frontsies, backsies? Or would I really have to give her my gift?

I thought you said nine years? I was promoted again this morning. I'm now Director of Mail Systems.

Don't dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want to have. So now, Manny... Tomorrow I show up for work dressed as a Mexican wrestler.

Banks, you've got to get a hold of yourself. You've got a company to run. Oh, I'm running it. I have a plan to quadruple profits by the year 2015. How are you possibly going to do that? The old-fashioned way, Jack. I'm gonna shut it down.

I'm going upstairs to doink Kathy Geiss.

Paid his way through Princeton by working the day shift at that graveyard and the graveyard shift at that Days Inn.

Thank God I don't have your biological need for children. That would make success impossible. Thanks.

And now it hinges on how far I'm willing to go with a woman in Dora the Explorer panties that were clearly made for an obese child.

She's wondering where my strawberry mouth is.

I work in the mailroom. Kathy, Bev and I are just friends. Kathy's the new CEO of our company. Bev, you better run. She's surprisingly strong.

I'm gonna give Kathy the full soap opera while you try to trick a lady with a head injury. We might not be the best people. But we're not the worst? Graduate students are the worst.

You know you're the only woman I've ever really loved.

Welcome to New York. Let's see-- we're using credit cards and cabs now, all the galleries have moved to Chelsea, and we're off cupcakes and we're back to doughnuts.

Court? At night? I'm already laughing. Tell me more.

having known Claire for a very enjoyable 20 minutes and you for what feels like infinity,

Well, it was quick and in the meat locker. That's okay, right?

Emotionally unstable women are... fantastic in the sack. I mean, their self-loathing translates into...

Houston's too humid. What about this died thing?

Chained to the radiator in her hotel room. It was her idea.

Just gotta hack it. Just gotta hack it.

And my teeth are getting loose!

I'd like to suck that ring right off your toe.

Or recording our intimate moments and leaving them for Liz on her voicemail.

Of course,that was back when Jet was actually about jet ownership. That magazine took a weird turn.

McEnroe, give me a break. I'm on it. 77th and amsterdam, 68th and columbus, 125th and president clinton boulevard

Also,don't over think it, sara lee,frozen, unbelievable.

Here's the pitch, wind power, bandwidth,chinese market. Oh,god.

And i was pulled onstage once to dance at a bruce springsteen concert.

He asked if we were involved, i said you used to have a thing for me, but you were getting over it. That is what's happening,right?

If i were dating a man, he would be the top of my list with michael jordan, denzel washington,taye diggs... God,do i have a black thing?

you're going to work this thing like a chinese gymnast. Wear something tight, force a smile, and lie about your age.

I'm just kidding. The middle class is dying, you'll be renting forever.

What is racketeering? No one knows,lemon.

I'm going to hit gavin volure harder than a bottle of whiskey in an irish wake.

Well,what would this country be if our economy didn't allow wealthy people to take advantage of rubes?

Doesn't that responsibility come with a $4,000 signing bonus? Uh... Yes?

taking advantage of her loneliness and her big ben-sized biological clock.

I can't believe i'm saying this to the great gavin volure, but liz lemon is too good for you.

Good god,volure, that's got to be 15, 16 feet!

you'll probably be killed in the first six months of prison. but that's neither here nor there,

Well, his french-Canadian mistress, and then me.

And i couldn't have done it without... my lucky coin.

I wish i had a princeton reunion right now. Wipe that smug smile off michelle obama's face.

You found a hairstyle that works for you, So long as it's not too humid.

whittling, jug-Blowing, Ihop monkeys

the ugly duckling has turned into A vaguely ethnic swan.

So the standards department is telling me You can only say "cat anus" twice During the show, but i'm gonna fight for you. You can say it three times. Cat anus, cat anus, cat anus!

Why does anybody go to miami? Ass and the burgeoning art scene.

Beers, boats, and buds. Doesn't that sound great?

Lemon, rich 50 is middle-Class 38, okay?

Or did you make some joke about me being impotent?

I am not larry braverman. I repeat, i am not larry braverman! I am liz lemon's Platonic friend, jack donaghy.

'When she's in a foul mood, it can be horribly unpleasant. But, at other times, she is asleep'

'Well, you bought three hours of network prime time for your salute to Benny Hill'

'It's like how we're including a Heroes DVD with every missile guidance system we sell'

'Or any female of equivalent thickness'

'Nice dress. Are you going to dinner? Don't forget your book'

'The U.N.? They still have that? I could have sworn they turned that building into a Barnes and Noble'

'Senior V.P. for Television and Microwave Oven Programming'

'Classic Lemon man-eater. Cat sound'

'Without getting into specifics, my exit involves a McFlurry machine and a videotape of risqué commercials from overseas'

'I have something on my ball'

I have something on my ball.

'You should work for The Huffington Post'

'Yes, I'm talking. Uh, no, we do not have the music'

'I brought a '65 Moët and some Pizza-Blasted Pringles'

'Why are they smiling so much? Who's being ostracized?'

'It's exactly like a snow-cone, except they call it a piragua'

'Can two people fall in love over a benign gonad cyst?'

'Also, uh, we didn't get the song. I wrote this myself five minutes ago'

Oh, that reminds me. I owe Lou Dobbs a call.

Wow. That does not sound right.

When is modern science going to find a cure for a woman's mouth?

Is that a beak? - Yes! - No. Yes!

Musical sequence about taking Mr. Templeton out

If you want a shot... you're going to have to dance for it.

But he's going to need a helmet.

Both ends! Both ends!

Final musical sequence about Mr. Templeton

So the wacky one?

First of all, never bad-mouth synergy.

Because it's winning time, you magnificent son of a bitch!

Just do it. Is it in you? I'm loving it!

teamwork, insight, brutality... male enhancement... 'handshake-ful-ness' and play hard.

Men? If I'd known your wives were alone I would have stayed in New York.

Well, obviously, the Finular analysis will concur with any synergized mindshare classifications. Bladorian frankles.

No, Lemon, 'CLASS.' It's an acronym for Consuming Lunch And Simple Socializing.

You can't say 'uh-doy-ee' to me in mixed company.

I give you a simple managerial suggestion in a professional context and I get back the second half of a Judy Blume novel.

Just don't say your name, Jack. Please don't say your name. You are Jack - titan, maverick, lover.

they completely forgot about me when the bra lady went crazy

They're former investment bankers who were laid off after that economic crash that Nancy Pelosi caused.

They've got zero real-world skills, but god, they work hard.

Don't start unless you've got something.

I get it. You've been with other men. Congratulations. Thank you.

He looks exactly like me.

Boy, I hope those two don't eventually have a showdown that pits family against justice.

her adorably broken english. Metrocards are a real thing. You use them on the subway.

Wait, wait. What did he just say? That wasn't in the script.

Morena has gone broken arrow.

We really should have had somebody on the set who speaks Spanish.

Play ball, or you'll be back doing R-rated hypnotism at bull fights so fast, you won't know what hit you.

You can lose your mind!

Like Julie Harris in The Belle of Amherst. You are surprisingly gay.

These McFlurries are amazing. I know-- the soft swirl of vanilla and the hard crunch of candy and cookies. You'd think they'd fight each other, but no. Together, they are perfecto.

Slut buster? / No, not a ball player.

If I had those knockers, I'd be thanking God, too.

Jonathan... our Jonathan, who art in the office hallowed be my reservation. If you are able... hold my table at Plunder as we will not be there by seven.

Okay, here's how this is going to go. We're going to sit here in silence for about three minutes. Then, I'm going to take my girlfriend to Plunder where the Pope himself could not get a table.

I have faith... in things I can see and buy and deregulate. Capitalism is my religion.

I hit my mother with a car... possibly by accident.

And... I may have sodomized our former Vice President while under the influence of some weapons-grade narcotics.

Wow, he does not sound good live.

You know what your problem is, Jack? You intellectualize everything with your big head. Well, you have big boobs.

What kind of God would let that happen?

You know where I found it? In the collection plate. It was a sign.

I believe that we were reunited by the most successful capitalist enterprise of the last hundred years despite the McLean Deluxe or the McEmu.

Boy, I hope that guy's not planning to kill and eat her.

Look at this guy, used to be a man once.

Lemon, you're a woman. Of course I am! That doctor was a quack, I don't even know why my parents listened to him.

Aww, ladies are such a bummer. Where is this going, how serious are we, why don't you listen to my story about my friend?

You mean, like, marriage? No, the one before that. Moving in together? That's huge! No, the thing you do before that. think 'you in the mid-nineties.' You haven't had sex?

We have, of course, pleasured one another- No, stop, I believe.

she keeps confusing me with this ridiculous notion that 'sex' and 'love' are somehow connected.

We're Jack and Elisa - Jalisa. That's really lame, Jack. Yeah, that was just a joke.

Like a lion, ready to take its mate.

There's an adult picture of me on that phone. What picture? Oh my god! Yes. That one.

I watched an American Masters last night about Baryshnikov. I picked up a couple of ideas.

there is no amount of money this company could lose that would cause me to- yes, that's the amount, I'll get dressed right now.

I just need somewhere I can socialize where women aren't an issue.

In Sicilian dialect, it means 'well poisoner.' In Gaelic, Donaghy means 'dung basket.'

His contract is up, and I don't want to feel sorry for him.

Goodbye, my friend. He had to be mean to save him. Harry belonged in the woods.

Maybe that's why we're drawn to movies where the father figure pushes away the child/legendary North American forest ape.

This morning it hit me in the shower why the Hendersons named their guest 'Harry.'

We both have recurring dreams about being overpowered by a female bodybuilder.

Make your father hate any new children he might have.

fake vomit on it. Right. Fake.

Oh, God. Please don't be a daughter I didn't know about.

I also would have accepted, 'You can't prove that's the governor's semen.'

There was once a great American named George Henderson. He met a woodland ape, or Sasquatch, who, despite its dangerous message of environmentalism, became his friend.

Get out of here! Can't you see we don't want you anymore? Go to the writers' room! There is no scholarship!

Get out of here! Can't you see we don't want you anymore?

Goodbye, my friend.

I guess, in a way... we both... lost children today. Yeah, but mine was real, Jack. Yours was Frank.

Obviously, you can't do both T.G.S. and Janie Jimplin.

College students, the morbidly obese and homosexuals.

the 'Bitenuker', is highly offensive to those who speak either French or Dutch.

A Franco-Dutchman would pronounce it 'bet nyooker'. Hey! That's awful!

Let's not shoot for the middle this time.

They're all dead, Lemon. They're all dead unless they come up with a name for my pocket microwave.

Hey, I'm rapping Obama. Hey, I'm Josh doing an impression of DeNiro as an auctioneer.

I see you... self-publishing your novel and moving back in with your parents.

'V'. 'A'. 'G'... Why don't we start over?

heat up some ham... in the shower.

I'm thinking about some of them now. / Me too.

His video game made a fortune and he invested all of it in a company that dismantles bank signs. They're doing very well.

You guys are best friends forever? / That's not what that stands for.

They live in a bubble... a bubble of free drinks, kindness and outdoor sex.

Tracy's is a tactile-kinesthetic learning style... Dotcom... so help me God.

Oh no, he's not a B.F.F.? / Ugh, no! Never!

For years... I thought I spoke excellent French.

You wake a sleepwalker, you risk getting urinated on. / Or thanked... on.

Don't cling to this, Lemon. Be a manager. Control your people. Buy better clothes.

Are you frying bacon? No. It's my new running shoes.

Don't wear that thing with the belt. What thing with the belt? I have a lot of belted outfits!

I have a Google News Alert for the phrase 'Tracy Jordan ridiculous disaster'.

You think or you know? Hang on. I'm going into a tunnel.

His name is Paul and he doesn't want to meet you.

As a kid, you never got so excited, you vomited? No. No one does that. I mean, I've peed a little.

Kiss Peggy Fleming... Done, done and... oh, boy. Done.

Hit Mom with a car

I've held Walt Disney's frozen head in my hands.

I've hunted the world's most dangerous game. Man. Excuse me. Manatee.

Could you get Adam West's agent on the phone, please?

Of course not. I don't have friends at NASA. Bunch of nerds.

But I thought you were the oldest, sir. Oldest boy.

Kenneth, I wonder what it's like seeing the world through your eyes. I don't know, Mr. Donaghy. I think I see the world pretty much the same as everyone else.

Musical sequence about Kenneth's simple joy

The closest I came to vomiting tonight was when I saw Ann Coulter's shoulder blades.

I'm going to Benjamin Button myself.

I flew down from Boston. / I have to know, Jimmy. / I don't remember, Jack.

You're clearly saying something. Get me a deaf person.

where a morbidly obese gentleman called me 'pal.'

Bijou.

They're all empty. What the hell? / Congratulations on 50 shows, everyone. Enjoy your decorative air holders. You deserve them.

Our parent company sheinhardt wigs is announcing losses this quarter For the first time since the civil war.

Can't leave if living is without you / okay, last verse, jonathan. / i can't live!

The days of your wild coke parties are over. / Well, if by 'coke,' you mean 'sodas'... / I do. It's really bad.

let's get this right. / i've got so tcks up my sleeve. / That's my girl. / No, trix, the cereal. Some fell in my sleeve. It's sticking to the fibers.

Discretion, docility, and don't use my bathroom.

Why is everyone talking about that movie? / It's playing on showtime.

Sexual bartering pays off. Salome. Mata hari. Deborah norville.

Good lord, lemon, that's your worst quadrant.

I'm convinced that this sexual outburst Was brought on by menopause.

It looks like your character's going to be called jackie jormp-jomp.

You're holding that upsiddown.

Remember that time I came back from the world economic forum with mono

He could do better.

The whole thing is loosely based on a evening I spent with isiah thomas.

Did jackie jormp-jomp give up when those vampires attacked woodstocks?

You being dead is the best thing that ever happened to this movie.

Jenna. I wanna tupac you.

Or rusty,the bear fromthe magicals.

Syllabus of usoff vagabonds,martyrs,and quilts.

In my experience, 'let's think about it' usually ends up with me watching Solid Gold in my basement on prom night.

In fact, I've coined a new term to describe what Elisa is to me... The One.

She's very spirited... like a show horse.

Oh, no, no. She's not the bride. This is the one I am marrying.

All anybody posted on it were penises.

Blue writing on green. Why?

I'm 50. To put it in perspective, that's like 32 for ladies.

What if I find myself stranded in a snow cave with a stern but comely lady geologist, both of us knowing that our only chance for survival is the heat from our naked bodies?

Face it, you are the closest thing to a man working here right now.

Because she's your bro.

Lemon, isn't there a Slanket somewhere you should be filling with your farts? Shoo.

Is it my English or was that not a great breaking-up speech?

There's a restaurant hostess in midtown I'd like to see cry.

Including more than one Unitarian!

And I once made love to Kathy Hilton.

What is this, the Italian parliament?

Great! I'll call the restaurant. See if they can seat a third wheel.

When the waiter brought over the food, he said, 'abbondanza.'

Have you ever been to Florida? It's basically a criminal population. It's America's Australia.

Well, I pay you a little less, yes.

Who would be our current Nikita Khrushchev? Mm...Simon Cowell?

I bet you can, you son of a bitch.

My credit card company called to confirm My purchase of a book entitled intercourse after hip surgery.

That's right. I just called you a communist.

This movie came out in 1959? How could my father have been gone From the spring of '57 until 1959 if I was conceived in '58... Jimmy Donaghy's not my father.

This movie came out in 1959? How could my father have been gone From the spring of '57 until 1959 if I was conceived in '58...

Jack mentions Liz's memo about including more catchphrases, then delivers an absurd example about leaving in boxers and returning in briefs being 'a dealbreaker, ladies'

Wearing an Atlanta Falcons jersey to your sister's wedding as another 'dealbreaker' scenario

Jack's over-the-top Italian stereotype impression: 'I'm Jack and I don't know who my father is. I'm very emotional and want to smash these barrels'

Jack's dark definition of family: 'Resentment, guilt, Easter egg hunts that turn into knife fights'

'You know what family means to me, Lemon? Grudges, guilt...'

Jack wants to whisper something cutting in his mother's ear while she's dying

Liz's 'Mamma Mia' reference and Jack's confusion leading to her explanation of the ABBA musical

'It's like the movie Mamma Mia' / 'What?' / 'Nothing, don't push it, let it happen, there'll be a Mamma Mia'

'Are you ready to meet them?' / 'Yes' / 'Jack, meet George Park, he's Korean'

Jack's angry outburst: 'Screw you and screw your crappy contest!'

Milton needs a kidney. Milton, as in your dad? My dad? I don't know this guy.

And since Giuliani left, it's gotten tougher to harvest hobo organs.

We let things fester until they erupt in inappropriate anger preferably during a wedding or elementary school graduation.

I have great seats in the section between the players' wives and players' mistresses. But I don't go on Bat Day.

No, that's a ball he fouled off in the third inning. Huh.

I was really looking forward to putting your father's kidney in you. The other way around, Leo.

The same manipulation machine that got people to vote for Barack Obama and donate all that money after Rainstorm Katrina.

I haven't seen that many riled-up dirt bags since CVS put the cold medicine behind the counter.

Suburban seventh graders have more sexual experience than you do but that doesn't matter.

[Laughs] What do you think this is, Wings?

Well, musicians have banded together before to solve all kinds of problems: world hunger, the collapse of the American farm, global warming... and, uh... you're 0 for 3, guys.

Elvis, haven't you said that if a song reaches just one person, you've done your job? No, I've never said that.

Who got you out of a 20-year exclusive performance contract at SeaWorld?

And Elvis, or should I say, Declan McManus... international art thief...

I'm so happy to see all of you and to welcome you to Season Four. Which is, of course, the name of this restaurant

Cheesy Blasters jingle and Meat Cat flies away on his skateboard

The best way for a lady to get heat in this industry is to either record a country album or have a lesbian relationship

We'll trick those race-car-loving wideloads into watching your lefty, homoerotic propaganda hour yet

Right, Josh, I forgot about that guy. You think that's a good sign?

Our new mammogram machine is called the 'Git-Er-Done 2000'

So naturally, you came to me because this company is just the two of us

Kenneth? Boo! Thank you, sir.

That's where you're wrong, Kenneth. It's extremely American. My talents are more valuable than yours, so I'm paid accordingly.

I am in the middle of a raging period! Of economic turmoil.

Do you know the song 'Are You Ready For Some Football?' Do I? That's what my phone plays whenever Ray Lewis calls me.

What sports does N.B.C. have these days? Oh, off-season tennis.

Whatever religious undergarment Kenneth wears is in a twist

How do you kill a snake? You cut off the head. Of course! Thank you. Now I won't be afraid to go into my garage.

I am a big, 'ol liar.

i'll be sure to go see fonzie's jacket. you sit on it as well.

lemon numbers among my employees.

and now, your president-who, by the way, is kenyan and smokes cigarettes

did that happen?

and catch the afternoon bus back to chinatown.

yes, and no. yes, that did happen. no, it didn't not happen.

when silly willy's fee was amortized over all birthdays companywide-

why do you have a gavel? this isn't the congress. i brought it from home.

you prefer cold pizza? the morning after, it's the best. better than hot pizza? that's insane. you don't tell me what kind of pizza to like.

think of the pensions, the employees, the kittens we use to test microwave strength.

donaghy saves g.e., marries your mom.

laser shield.

if it could be programmed to ask you about your day? before you answer, consider your loneliness.

this isn't the auto industry, pete. the auto industry was run by a bunch of out-of-touch white guys selling consumers a product they didn't want. we're g.e., damn it.

for...get it. four smaller doors.

she doesn't like to refill the brita. i will cut the baby in half. and i will take the top half. for this is the part with the face.

so fighting every natural instinct, doing the thing that seemed most awful to me, i climbed down into the darkness.

cone chung, you did the right thing. thank you.

okay, it's a car. we've invented the pontiac aztec.

not with a bang, but with a whimper. a whimper indeed, jack.

i'll have you know that barry diller and i are working on a whole new approach to media, combining digital technology with god!

your hands sticky from candy.

i'm honestly not trying to make this sound gay. no one is. it's just happening.

You're not going to find him in the people's gaypublic of drugifornia.

Canada? Why not just go to iraq?

Orange and black decorations? Is this halloween or princeton parents' weekend? I don't know whether to be scared or proud of my cousin.

This is gonna be the scariest princeton parents' weekend ever!

like going bald with dignity.

But there are not restaurants called fatty fat sandwich ranch.

which you might know better as a knish or a beignet.

What a surprise... your world view is foodbased.

choir member,desert storm veteran,father of three?

They named it Jack. And it was delicious.

When did you find time to eat a diaper that you found on the beach?

tgs is a small pyramid, which nevertheless will one day be your tomb

It's as useless as the winter olympics. This february on nbc.

Cisco, the human network

I can hear your hair growing on this thing

Did you just use cisco's cutting edge Suremute technology to mute me?

I am an executive with the general electric corporation and i just need to get my medicine

et tu, Kenneth?

what are you, a robot?

A grotesque carnival of human misery

They handed in a check request form For $600,000 worth of gas

Care. love. live

Care. love. live

I was in Beijing this weekend, buying a reality show for a network where criminals dance their way to freedom.

dealbreaker: the book for you man no good,by lesbianyellowsourfruit.

Good god, have dinner with me.

So guess there's two jacks here now. I don't think there are.

Two questions: must i live by superman's moral code, and will the sex woman get older? Yes and yes. Forget it. No deal.

What am i going to do next? What am i going to do next?

i knew you would say yes,lemon. i knew you would say yes,lemon.

I was thinking something like this.

Raise your hand if you're cool with what's happening. Not too late to raise your hand.

I've already spoken to padma lakshmi. Then who's gonna host top chef?

Never do business with a friend. Never be friends with a woman. And lose the leather bracelet.

An wang, the founder of wang computers, is one of the greatest businessmen of the 20th century.

And i didn't get a bathroom door that looks like part of a wall by being bad at business.

I don't want to change your life. I want to change lemon's life.

Holding up one finger to get someone to stop talking... He invented that.

Geiss also invented the abrupt conversational segue. Talk about your thing now.

A walk-in humidor, a lap pool, and a replica of the Irish pub where my grandmother was born.

Make him an offer he can't refuse. Trademark 1974, Don Geiss.

It's like check in at an Italian airport.

I have these rare kadupul blossoms flown in every morning from Sri Lanka on a private jet. That's the definition of green.

Like check in at an Italian sex party.

Oh, you ancient bitch!

Smell my flowers, Kenneth.

You're like a swarthy, big-hipped Kelly Ripa.

My mother never used my beauty pageant winnings to buy her married boyfriend a motorcycle.

I.M. Adouche? - I am a douche?

Our health care costs are way down since we started putting something in the coffee to keep women from getting pregnant.

Moron says what? - What?

What if we change your name to Veronica St. Pierre? No, that's too much.

Your hair... Is fine.

Okay. Don't try to move the body yourself.

Treat her like The New York Times treats its readers.

The, uh, gobos are really moraying, right, pete?

I got a tattoo that says 'freedom' in Chinese, And for what?

You're better at this than Oprah.

In the end, the police chief turns out to be the bad guy. I didn't say I wasn't going to see it.

I may as well let banks play out one of his gay home invasion fantasies on me.

Your audience has spent the last hour listening to Kenneth tell cleaned-up versions of Garrison Keillor stories.

Hey, buddy, your hair looks nice. - Don't try those tricks on me!

And from now on, whenever a television is on in the background of a Sheinhardt-Universal soap opera, You will be on it.

Now, this picture will be my pholo... Not a word. Which is a contraction for photo and hello.

Youface. Who are you facing? [chuckling] No one.

Those sites are for horny married chicks with kids who want to exchange pervy emails with their old high school boyfriends.

So bath salts in a coffee mug would be... Not it.

I've been finger tagged, Lemon. Was it down by the subway entrance? 'cause I saw a gangly-looking kid down there.

Uh, this wasn't a TV crush. This was real. Oh, mine got pretty real.

Was she a bitch or did you cheat? The former. The former? What are you, a newscaster?

I'm glad we, uh, never made out in high school. Otherwise this whole thing would be so awkward. Excuse me, we kissed every night on stage in Hey, Beantown.

But only because my mother told me that French kissing was for the Italians. They do love it.

That finger touching his moustache is me.

Like going to the gym drunk.

She changed her status from 'working on it' to 'weirdsies.'

Wow, Lemon, this is like watching Hemingway write. Mark Hemingway. Yeah.

That's what I said when that hot dog vendor passed out, But you made me go get help.

Yes, but not in the way you're talking about.

You know what would go real nice on that wall over there: A drawing of a frog. No. No. [silently] No.

Because somebody called in a bomb threat to Penn station? You're welcome.

Well, he promised to get me on Dancing with the stars. But that's on ABC. Donaghy!

the wine turned out to be quite toxic.

my guests and i spent the stroke of midnight in my garden. vomiting.

the whole night the purging,the new year, the vivid hallucinations of astarte the phoenician goddess of sex and war it all wiped the slate clean.

damn that phoenician wine!

which is the third best sex after elevator and white house.

good lord,i've lemoned the situation with nancy!

i'm going to drive up to waltham,massachusetts,break into a woman's home, and erase a potentially embarrassing and destructive answering machine message. the home in questions has a doggy door. that will be our way in.

prove that you are lithe enough to accompany me to waltham.

you sicken me.

it'll be like the da vinci code. ehh albino monk! that's a mirror,kenneth.

he was eventually arrested by israeli commandos.

did you not learn your nation's airport codes in high school?

but you are leaving through the doggy door.

lemon, i have season tickets to every sports team in new york. so close to the action, you'll feellike you're sitting in front of an hd television

oh, mr.Donaghy.i forgot to give you the factory worker death rates.

and you take your reward. you take your reward.

how drunk are you? a lot to very.

is it the body paint or is danny just glowinglike a beacon of manly camaraderie?

hey, is it that chick lawyer who does the sexual harassment presentation? because she's asking for it.

black light attack!

what did he do to the back of your knees?

i also have this lowfrequency tonethat can only be heard by people over 40. have you started playing it yet?

this is from danny's chips costume.what is it doing here?

with their untucked shirts, boneless faces, their stars, both wars and trek.

little scrump nugget.

if you were a man, you would have to register yourself as a sex criminal.

i'm entranced by those mudcolored eyes, Set back in... that skin.

that splayfooted walk.

It started out as a joke, but it's becoming real.

I'm telling Nancy that I'm with female Kevin McHale.

I have elaborate fantasies of her husband dying in a boat explosion.

Jonathan, why do I have an Indian assistant if my computer is always... Jack. I'm messing with you.

I'm messing with you... Oh, very funny, Donna

That's the best presentation I've ever seen.

Seven items are different. See if you can spot which ones.

Oh, that'll really disappoint your key demographic of drunken 11-year-olds.

What keeps people polite on airplanes? A shared hatred of the CBS sitcoms They're forced to watch.

I find that news anchors and breasts are always smaller than they look on TV.

I do if you can resuscitate an electrocuted person.

The Salem witch trials, the red scare, global warming.

Silas Marymount-Peppercorn

Your neighbors named their daughter Belichick!

let's get divorced. you marry the butler, And I'll be a gay octomom.

Mothers. You can't kill them...

that day in January When the post office is closed.

Say no. Talk low. Let her go.

It turns out she had a tumor Pressing on her brain's pleasure center. A tumor those quack doctors removed.

Because I'm listening to the words.

I want to be in business with you.

You're a good man, Jack Donaghy. Thanks, meat cat.

Like when you think there's one more stair, but there isn't. And all of a sudden, you're like 'Whoa!'

Perhaps a, uh, bra with a front clasp.

You are truly the Picasso of loneliness.

The Baltics or women's tennis.

Mitt Romney's oldest son, Jezba.

Blackberry, Warren Buffett. iPhone, Jimmy Buffett.

Tie, The Fountainhead or Uncle Buck.

We are going to test poisons on you.

And in Switzerland, that is, uh, 'Night Business Month'.

'mon se poivre' That means 'my salt and pepper' in Swiss French.

A not-stupid program that I came up with.

Lemon, your hair looks very nice today. You should wear it like that more often.

A son I can throw a ball to and, when he's older, have power struggles with.

did I put a toaster waffle into my D.V.D. player?

How could a company from Philadelphia buy a company from New York? That would be like Vietnam defeating the United States in a ground war

It means the book is filled with cubes of knowledge

Because a woman's brain has fewer folds / The Negroid musculature...

Rhubarb, rhubarb, golf. Prostate

Because it's romantic and I'm really good at it

Back to work!

Which is the song that I sang to Don at his promotion dinner

They're selling N.B.C. to a company called KableTown. With a 'K'

That's the sound of me being erased from contact lists all around the world

And then, I'm going to braid your hair

I don't know why you're wearing girls' pajamas, But I'm sure it's cultural.

Not Seinfeld, Friends, E.R. exciting. More like 3d episodes of Merlin exciting.

Even if it is from... Philadelphia.

How did you even get a snowball?

Oh, did you just whip a battery at me?

And the earth into one of the top three planets In the universe.

and bad things to Chinese Rivers.

Second only to the company of great friends.

I'm the reason the microwave tray rotates.

'and Alexander wept For there were no more worlds to conquer.' Hans Gruber, Die Hard.

'CEO of G.E. dies violently in a casino orgy.'

'CEO of G.E. dies violently in a casino orgy.'

'middle manager of a Philadelphia Pornography distributor never wakes up'?

A perpetual motion machine endlessly satisfying Every human need.

I'm going to bury Don Geiss, America, and hope.

'these are all hookers. Pick one.'

That realization led him to develop the nightlight And the marketing campaign aimed at making children Afraid of the dark-- a monster under every bed.

Three words: Porn for women.

To jabber.

And I'm ready to make.

A Mr. Debarber called. Seriously? A Mr. Debarber called.

Danny was nominated for a Juno, which is like a Canadian Grammy

That's why I get all my news from Dick Cheney's website-- dickviews.Com

The New York Times doesn't have a staff writer named Seymour Nips

My guess is this is the work of Frank, the black one, And... Lutz.

We snuck up to Dartmouth, Put their mascot in a box, And sent it to Mexico City. We didn't know until the next day That it was an actual indian.

He didn't speak a word of english, Like all Dartmouth men.

The boob job recall center?

Oh, you mean that guy? And, of course, this is our other finalist couple For the today wedding contest, Floyd and Kaitlin.

Floyd never told you? I mean, 'b's before 'h's, but that is low.

They're boston irish catholic-- they mate for life, Like swans, like drunk... Angry swans.

Now we're even, guys. As you were, nerds.

Excuse me, I have tickets to a Harry Connick Jr. Concert

Excuse me, gentlemen. I have a, uh... Veterinary appointment

I have to go to an intervention For my... Travel agent

I have to go to an intervention for my... travel agent.

I just happened to run into your mom At a T.J. Maxx in Queens, And we came back here for some cannoli and red wine

I love it when you talk dirty to me. I cannot wait to see you tonight.

And the opposite of that just walked in.

You look like a prison weed dealer.

As my good friend and fox-hunting partner Mary J. Blige would say, 'no more drama.'

The grown-up dating world is like your haircut. Sometimes awkward triangles occur.

Oh, god! The band is soaking!

Peanut butter and Miller high life.

You always know you're at the right party when it feels like the Riddler is about to attack.

Like Santa claus taking a shower.

Like three's company, it's titillating, yet anxiety-producing.

How do you choose between Lee Marvin and Derek jeter?

And even worse, they're both going to lose me.

Or that you're my prostitute.

Why do you think your checks aren't the same color as Howie mandel's?

Oh, Nan... Na. What? I was saying, 'oh, Nana.' Have I not told you about my grandmother fetish?

Avery actually tried to get on board. Later that night, she put some mothballs behind her ears and fed me peppermints.

I've had to make some tough calls over the years, switching Sheinhardt's wig production to 100% Chinese cadaver hair, turning down Dick Cheney's offer to become king of Iraq

[NBC chime plays] it's fresh.

No! I don't care if you're safe! I love you!

Is that supposed to be a broom? Anchor the handle.

Every April 22nd, I honor Richard Nixon's death by getting drunk and making some unpopular decisions.

[NBC chime plays] the biggest loser network.

No, I am not. I am 'innoventing.' A word that I just innovented.

Honestly, these immigrants have a tough life, no health care, and I kind of just thought he'd die before it became a thing.

No, I am not. I am 'innoventing.' A word that I just innovented.

[NBC chime plays] It's fresh.

And with Nancy and Avery, I'm the trash shift.

Top gun high-five for courage? Only because you look like you need it so badly.

Do you know what it's like when a younger man shows up Wearing the same cufflinks? You might as well be invisible.

- A suicide cult! - A gym.

Maybe that boyhood sled he held so dear. I believed he called it... Sleddy.

any chance it's one of those Bendy hospital beds? Maybe. He did have three.

Peacocks can live up to 40 years, Longer if they're not part of mike tyson's home zoo.

How to avoid getting paper cuts while making love On a pile of money.

We three peacocks felt like we owned the world.

Terms we learned on a trip to japan Because they played the movie rising sun on the airplane.

Oh, his feather went in my mouth. Ew, it's so oily. Lemon, he's marked you. He thinks you're his wife.

He lives...Or you die.

Let me retell it in slow motion.

What if he rolls over on his back And his cloaca fills with mucous?

Like a cantaloupe and a ziploc bag of mushroom soup.

I know it's gay, but it's my gay problem, and I'm handling it.

drive around with one headlight out

I saw him last night at Rupert Murdoch's twister party. I mean, uh, regular party.

Then you skip the part where you yell at me. And then we both move on to the, uh, make-up sex.

Cramer's been dead for six months.

The Astors, the Rockefellers, the Sbarros...

I promise you, this weekend will be filled with staring out windows while holding a glass of Scotch.

First, we're going to see a documentary about female circumcision, and then we're going to eat too much Indian food.

You know what? Sometimes, I think... That's great. 'You know what? Sometimes, I think...' That's really annoying. I'm going to use that.

A warm glass of milk and some John Phillip Sousa marches.

Man, Catholic guilt. Am I right? [Jack's awkward silence response]

Nancy is a fiery, Irish nut job, descended from bog people.

Speaking of which, I'm seeing someone else, and I think I'm in love with both of you.

You can't leave, Donovan. We're in the middle of Mass. You and I both know you have to stay until the final blessing.

They were orange and had hearts for pockets.

God, he came out of nowhere.

How often did they walk in on you? A lot.

Like a s'more you could take a shower with?

Like at a haunted house sex party. Exactly.

It's made by those who do do, Which is what made me the man I am. I do do.

Well, I like how she's less hot than you.

Her laugh is like music. Really mean music.

According to her, flat shoes are for quitters.

It was so warm you could pick fully cooked lobsters out of the water

Like a young Bo Derek stuffed with a Barry Goldwater

No more making love on the beach surrounded by a privacy circle of English-trained butlers

The Harry Potter theme park is a huge hit with both anglophiles and pedophiles

The movie division has a James Cameron movie the whole world will see, whether they like it or not

Only NBC continues to be the engorged whitehead on the otherwise flawless face of Universal Media

Like executive producer Ashton Kutcher, or secretary of state Hillary Clinton

You are the Jackie O of our time

It's almost as bad as 'climax'

Then one of you says, 'we should redecorate.' And the other one says, 'please, Avery, I'm using the commode right now.'

a reddish-brown shade called 'elk tongue'

This is how I know you've never had an adult relationship

Before you know it, she'll have me wearing jeans and reading fiction!

He ran away, Lemon. Rather than engage in battle, he would retreat and retreat until the enemy grew fatigued and eventually made a mistake

Although I abhor it as a military strategy, it is the basis for all of my, uh, personal relationships

Meeting someone in a hotel room twice a month is not a relationship... just ask any hooker

I was going to say 'climax.' Aah!

A middle-aged woman saying 'dude stuff'... is that on my sadness scavenger hunt?

Her name is the Barefoot Contessa, Lemon, and you will never be like her, starting with the barefoot part

her anger eventually transforming into some rather interesting sex

It has to be elk tongue!

His name is James. Not Jim, not Jimmy... Jamessss

Have you seen my eyes, Lemon? Yep. They're very blue. Like a Mykonos sky

Mark Foley once called them 'piercing'

Do you know what a prize I am in the gay community? There's a term for it. I'm a bear... And I'm a daddy bear

Not a GLAAD award, I know that

Or would you rather teach your cat to dial 911?

Do you see something, uh, here that you like?

Hannibal defeated Fabian with a decoy army. James was a plant. The strie wall finish was a decoy. She Hannibaled my Fabian!

Like... Whiskey and hunting

Hello, 'Javery.' Time-saver.

Like God, I created man. We're having a boy.

Every woman my boy dates will get compared to me, and they will be found wanting.

This is just what I need... To store my rock collection.

50 is the new 40... For men. But 50 is still 60 for women.

Whatevs, Tony Randall. / Whatevs, indeed, because that makes you Jack Klugman.

Will I ever experience the father-son bonding of realizing you were both at the same masked orgy in a castle?

And stand outside in a crowd like some Italian?

The Donaghys originally come from Ireland's little known county Steve, where, historically, we were whiskey testers and goblins.

I was raised in Sadchester, Massachusetts, I won the amory blaine handsomeness scholarship to Princeton and then attended Harvard business school where I was voted 'most.'

I once hit a stand-up triple off Fidel Castro.

I was the first person ever to say, 'I need a vacation from this vacation.'

The song you're so vain was, in fact, written by me.

You are hiking in the Japanese highlands. A pair of snow leopards is stalking you, and the blade of your katana is frosted into its scabbard.

Do not hire sting to play the reception. He'll insist on doing jazz versions of police songs, and it's just... Demoralizing.

His death must appear to be accidental.

The secret to a strong, healthy head of hair is dove...Blood.

Remember, the backflip is 90% confidence.

We don't need you. So move on with your life, starting now. / That is called tough love.

Kenneth is now on a journey that will either return him here where he belongs or end... In his death.

Juggling is easier than it looks.

'And the tree was happy.' Shel silverstein was a communist.

Find a woman named Elizabeth Lemon, get her advice, and then do the opposite.

There's no baby in here. / Good God! / Oh, she's in the crib. / Good.

If you have the blondness and self-esteem of your mother, you will need no advice. Life will be easy for you.

If you're about to say that you don't get any respect, you're right.

In a post-apocalyptic world, how would society even use you? Traveling bard. Radiation canary.

Imagine that your favorite corn chip manufacturer also owned the number one diarrhea medication. That'd be great, they could put a little sample of the medicine in each bag.

Keep thinking. Except then they might be tempted to make the corn chips give you...

Do you know who gets elected to congress these days? Former athletes, washed-up actors, and women.

Say it, meathead.

I guess that's why big oil and Microsoft are such great American failures.

1:32 p.m. Mark the time, ladies and gentlemen, that congress put a bullet in the head of the American farmer.

Why did we cancel that? That doesn't make any sense.

I don't really see color or gender, Mr. Chang.

The Chinese built the railroads, the Irish built and then filled the jails... A guy named Juan built my armoire.

I was too busy trying to remember the name of the black kid on community. D'nall glover.

Monty Appleseed and I share a liquor locker at the opera.

Why? It was a tentpole! A tentpole!

There are thousands of jobs at stake, hundreds of second homes, and your ridiculous grandstanding could ruin the whole thing, like luffing your spinnaker during a yachting regatta.

The first generation works their fingers to the bone making things. The next generation goes to college, innovates new ideas. The third generation... snowboards and takes improv classes.

Remember what happened that time I tried to give up refined sugars?

And therefore, Avery has got me this very nice tea set, some knitting needles and yarn and a book on sleight-of-hand magic.

That's as far as I've gotten.

I'm dreading watching it sober.

Get out of here!

It gives these ability to hit on women and later when we're married to tune them out.

Damn you, she-beasts!

Yes, but my penis was smaller.