Pete Hornberger

Apparently, you can't say he's got a vagina

It's not illegal to fall asleep on your neighbor's roof. / Nor should it be.

'This is not a dream.'

Don't buy all the hot dogs, okay?

You smoke weed, right, Pete? Uh... No. Yeah, me neither. Me and you, Pete. Me and you.

Oh, my God, my wedding ring. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. My wife's gonna kill me!

Which one of your kids is it that you're afraid of? Kyle. Kyle. So strong.

You're inappropriate, you jerk, with your big stupid face!

Look at me. Look how bald I am. Look at my life. Please, just give me this one thing.

Oh...no.

To get out of coming to work. Oh, so first you thought he was illiterate, and now you think he's lazy? Jeez, you are racist.

Does she know we went off the air two minutes ago? No, she does not. Smart move.

No, that's not true. What about that movie you did last summer? "The Rural Juror"? Yeah, The Rur-- That one.

I will tell him that you are in a feature film called The Rrr Jrr.

What the hell's her movie called? I don't know. She's been talking about it for a year. I can't ask her now.

I know you're wearing that as a joke, but it makes you look younger, and more confident, and I think you should consider it.

Hey, Jack Attack. Sorry, I should have kept that one in the old brain box.

Pete successfully says 'The Rural Juror' clearly

The Rural Juror. The Rrr-- Rural. The Ruh-- Rural. Eh.

I can barely keep a lid on the feud going on between Kenneth and Dougie from props.

[High-pitched voice] Elmo wants you to aim your pee-pee at the potty. No, not at Mommy. At the potty.

Did Mommy have some wine before she called Elmo?

Be a Samson! You're a better man than this. But she's so smooth.

My wife is not a Delilah, Tracy.

She's so smooth.

Role-play, baby! Give it to me, baby!

Church on a Tuesday? But he seemed so normal.

You saw me leave the apartment this morning. / I saw you put it on and I thought it looked nice.

How long are you staying with me? / Indefinitely.

Love is like an onion, and you peel away layer after stinky layer until you're just... weeping over the sink.

Yowza!! Oh! hey Mrs Michelin, I love your ty

What, are you kidding me? This is a billion dollar company! Demerits?

Hey, Liz. We're out of string cheese, so I think I'm gonna take off.

So much hair.

We did it on your kitchen table. I shouldn't have told you that.

No, we're cool. Uh, I renounce Raheem. Raheem's a bad guy. USA number one!

That's pretty grim,pete.

I'm stuck!

My shirt is caught on what feels like a very sharp... mechanism. Ooh,maybe if I can get the shirt off.

I know.

Oh, God. Marcus Schenkenberg was there. Who?

You were using your treadmill? Yes, and, yes, Pete, I use it every day.

JetFun. Is that the one with the footbaths? Oh, no, that's AirBike. They also have in-flight pornos and NBC news. JetFun's the one that hands out fresh popcorn.

For once, I am not gonna be Jan Brady. I'm gonna be Marcia, damn it. Oh, my nose! My bad!

Peanut farmer.

Can I hide this box of penis pasta in your dressing room?

Actually, I lived with Liz while I was separated from my wife. In a platonic way. But I haven't lived there for a couple months now because I've been at an anger management treatment center 'cause I shot one of my co-workers with an arrow.

Petey Pete! For letting us use the sound booth Please accept this chinchilla coat. Wow. You're gonna get so much nice-nice in that you're gonna have to grow an another ding...

What? You mean the nursery! We gotta get this stuff back to the rental place by 5:00.

Terrorist attacks, cloverfieldmonsters. I can't do it,because my head is too big for the helmet.

Doesn't that responsibility come with a $4,000 signing bonus? Uh... Yes?

You think or you know? Hang on. I'm going into a tunnel.

As a child, I dreamed of being a Congressman like my father. Now, I do this. One D.U.I. in high school.

All right, what about straws? We spend $1,200 a year on straws. / Okay, fine. No straws. / Oh, no, we need straws. / Oh, god! That's its bathroom!

I don't feel anything.

She kills her father hoping that the guy will come to that funeral, too. / That's correct... oh, boy.

Why? The gibbon is on time, he knows his blocking, And he doesn't try to bite the dancers!

It's a working farm and I'm the only one whose hands are big enough to guide the bull during mating.

Today's my birthday

Yes, she will give it back to you when he goes home and gets it from her wife.

That's the one where Tracy tore up that picture of the Pope. In his defense, it was Pope Innocent the Fourth. Because he increased taxation in the Papal States.

wow, that sounds exactly like the philosophy that almost destroyed the u.s. auto industry.

At your age, it's probably the last time you'll ever make a man happy

Like a neighborhood dad garage band

floodgate wheels are horizontal!

Like a neighborhood dad garage band

no, not since i was a child

the australian jackie mason Was chemically castrated by his government

was describing your sandwich necessary To our understanding of what happened?

That's why when someone comes to me with something i don't want to deal with, i say,'oh, no, my kid's sick,' and take off. You have any kids? No.

no, my kid is sick.

Oh, my kid got hit by a car!

That's what danny was saying. We have to be cool to everybody. Because the future is like a japanese game show you have no idea what's going on.

What? No, go away. This is my fantasy, Pete!

I knew it. You're blonde in your fantasies. It looks terrible.

She doesn't give the money because she knows that the card says, 'From the cast and writers of TGS', and she'll get credit for it anyway.

I should make up new cards that say, 'Happy holidays from everyone except Jenna.' But that would require me to have some remaining life force, Danny.

So I'm gonna go have a drink alone at the Oyster Bar.

He was pretty bad. Nutmeg. Rodeo, rodeo, rodeo.

I can rent a convertible, You can complain about the heat with elderly people.

Cross promotional, Deal mechanics, Revenue streams, Jargon, Synergy.

But I... I bought a parrot shirt.

Also, there is no Spectravision or Internet in the hotel, So plan ahead, gentlemen, porn-wise.

While you were talking, I put a thumbtack in my neck. Makes me feel something.

I've been biting my nails. Oh. I feel alive!

Well, Danny's interview with the New York Times comes out today, so 'ivatrennapra.'

You were only hired by the second city because they needed someone who could remember to feed the theater cat!

You attended the university of Maryland on a partial competitive jazz dance scholarship.

Are you soaking your tampo in vodka again?

Pete, that was, like, two years ago. It just won't heal.

But you can call me dallas. [Pete introducing himself]

They couldn't find cowboy hats big enough For my kid's head, So they're just wearing turbans.

badger. It's another badger. The third badger has taken the bait. Why is everyone code named badger?

We're already printing all of our internal memos on the back of my kids' art

And this morning, I made love to my wife. And she was still asleep, so I didn't have to be gentle

Are you sure? Think about it again.

That's one of the most upsetting things I have ever imagined. Are you sure? Think about it again

There's one too many producers, Pete. Okay, I get it. But please... I have five kids... That I don't want to be at home with

I lookout for her, we're friends with benefits.

They're rich and they have attention deficit disorder.

The capital one venture card is amazing. They give double miles every day for every purchase!

Oh, okay, look. What happened was Suzanne from ad sales got pushed into me in the elevator. I didn't try to touch her. And the sort of 'unh' sound I made was about something else.

You know, whenever I tell my wife a work story, she pointed this out the other day... I always... always smile a little when I'm talking about you.

♪ Rollin' with my homie, me and Jackie d. ♪ ♪ Bitches get ready for a sex party ♪

She had overlapping pregnancies five months apart.

Oh, god, she means the pizza. No, she's unhinging her jaw!

And we have to schedule our rehearsals around the bat mitzvahs Jack has booked in the studio.

They shut down your secret bathroom to save on cleaning costs.

After her hysterectomy, she was in a coma briefly.

our children are basically snot silos with BB guns

I agreed to go to a furniture store instead of watching football one time, and I haven't seen a game since.

Then you got to hit 'em where it hurts. Find their weakness, and viciously exploit it. That's what marriage is.

♪ Everybody's workin' for the weekend ♪ What? Yep. I was in Loverboy.

I had to choose between staying in the band or taking that college scholarship to study TV budgeting.

♪ Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, unh, unh, unh. ♪

Ham.

All right, well, we're all having fun, and it's important that we all be able to laugh together. We're not laughing with you, we're laughing at you, you bald bitch!

Yes, Reggie, I am bald. I lost my hair at a very early age when I hit that gypsy's kid with my car, but I am still your boss...

Okay, we'll have a contest of strength to decide who gets to pick lunch.

Help, Paula, here comes the big girl! She's got a clarinet!

Takeout from Hooters! What? That makes no sense! We'll know they touched it!

I just have to work around a PTA meeting at 5:00 that I can't miss 'cause this week I'm snack dad.

Yeah I am. Last night I had sex with Paula, and neither of us was wearing a Walkman.

Well, of course he can, Mr. Big Shot Pet Photographer! I hope you get sleep at night.

Ha! I beat you! We're getting lunch from IKEA! IKEA! IKEA! IKEA!

More like 100 little strokes.

She threw a birthday party for her TV.

More like 100 little strokes

She threw a birthday party for her TV

And now, I am headed home for a 'nooner,' which is what I call having pancakes for lunch.

Is that when you cry on the floor in your office? Nope, I do that when I see myself in the mirror on my birthday.

Crisis mode is when I down a couple of sleeping pills with scotch, pass out in my secret napping place, and hope I dream about that latina security guard.

Crisis mode is when I down a couple of sleeping pills with scotch, pass out in my secret napping place, and hope I dream about that latina security guard. The one you always kiss on the mouth. That's normal in Guatemala.

The one you always kiss on the mouth. That's normal in Guatemala.

Kelsey Grammer! Kelsey Grammer did this to me.

Actually, Paula didn't want to do anything for Valentine's, so she's just going out to dinner with her tennis instructor, mark.

I can't order you a car unless it's after 9:00, or you have a note from your killer.

discuss whether the chair would be better... Over by the window where there's more light?

That's just couple stuff.

I can't believe the woman who watches all six pawn shop reality shows has never seen the movie, Leap Dave Williams.

Someone with a key to my office, a janitor or a security guard or some black... Hearted individual, probably white

Look, all I wanted to do was hang with my friends, rock some jams, and tell the story about my cousin seeing Phil Donahue. I mean me! I-I'm the one who saw him.

I mean me! I-I'm the one who saw him.

And Phil Donahue's walking past cinnabon and he's making eye contact with me

There was a mine collapse in china. Turns out, to keep labor costs down, All the miners there are babies. They pay 'em in yogurt.

adult dogs can't fit in the baby mines, So they're lowering down puppies to bring in supplies.

But I just bought a Letterman jacket with 'the German' embroidered on it. It's not refundable if you personalize it!

Those look like hands to me.

The last time I tried to put myself out there, the girl turned out to be a cop.

What? Like Frasier? But that's fun...

My father was a congressman. I was valedictorian at St. Andrew's, an olympic archer, fourth guitarist in Loverboy... As a teenager.

Including the one that looked like a terrified Asian man?

Actually she took me that first night.

I'm submitting to its strength. It's the Alpha.

I was mugged by what I'm pretty sure was two five-year-olds in a trench coat.

Do you know what it's like to try to have sex wearing a child's little orphan Annie wig?

Do you know what it's like to try to have sex wearing a child's little orphan Annie wig?

In five years, I'll probably be dead and no one will even notice, and yes, this is my second attempt to writing my self evaluation.

'Cause you called me 'Mr. Clean's Gay Uncle' in front of my children.

It's $90, Jenna.

The first African-American president ever to be up for re-election. Whoo! Historical!

That was a really good 'American Pie', Pete. You knew all the words. And then you put it on again. And everyone leaves because no one can top it.

Remember that time you got a haircut, and I was the first person to say, 'Someone got a haircut'? You owe me!

A Facebook that wasn't crawling with old bald guys!

I was gonna drive a sports car and say cool stuff like, 'Wiki-what?'!

Who are we to stay what anything is?

a German guy who wants to eat somebody. And even Gunter's having doubts.

"I mean, who's Pete? I have amnesia! I... Damn it! I practiced this!"

The same company that suggested we get flush buddies to save water.

This is Dan silversmith with Carolina mutual. I can't talk right now. I'm with a customer.

I can't talk right now. I'm with a customer.

I sure hope so, tray. I sure hope so.