Idiots Are People Three! (2)

We sent Elton and David a honey-baked ham. What more do they want?

I have seen you since Michael Kors' new year's Eve masquerade. Uh, I don't know what you're talking about.

Yesterday, that was the face, feet and colon of a pig.

All right, kids. Who wants some? Get in my van.

Is there a problem, officer?

locally sourced pig sweepings

Well, that's what she said, but...

Wesleyan is the Harvard of central Connecticut. Yale is the Harvard of central Connecticut.

Had that locked and loaded, didn't you?

You don't say cholesterol correctly. 'Chloresterole.'

You don't use the tab closures on cereal boxes. If you think those are doing anything to seal in freshness, you are living in a fantasy world, pal.

What would Jack say about that? He'd say, 'good God, Lemon.' Locked and loaded.

Good God, Lemon.

I'll have you know the last man who wore jeans in this office was named Theodore Wrangler. And you, Banks, could not even carry his trademark, floor-length, suede cape.

Do you know what comes up on my phone when you call? [Shows photo of Jack in compromising position]

The only copy of that photograph is in Stephanie Seymour's safety deposit box.

We're new, we're called PEEN. And what is that an acronym for? Acronym?

The highest grossing movie of all time! The boat, not the movie, the boat!

Then she had teeth down there!

All right, you can watch me shower, but no touching. No touching just makes it hotter.

I want you to get my triplets into preschool... At St. Matthew's.

I head that during her interview she turned the class hamster into a dove.

We should take two cars. You didn't tell me he was alive! Well of course he is. Pete's our friend, Kelsey.

Damn it! No names!

His office is on this floor, isn't it? Yes, but to get him there, you have to go through the backstage and the backstage is full of people.

How long is the show? I don't know. I've never done it before, baby.

Since its founding early this afternoon, the national association for zero intolerance, or Nazi... We should change that.

It's fine.

My ringtone is the chicken dance. If I answer it, I won't hear the whole song!

These microphones look like black ice cream cones.

You can't tear up my checks, Criss. They're printed on Nixon's old bed sheets.

She's my subordifriend.

Damn it, Criss, stop talking to him, it's a trap! You said I won.

Semantics!

The basket of shells was a nice touch.

I go back to sleeping on the floor of my Uncle's mattress store

Well, I have to go get a bunch of gaybies into preschool before we all get sued

I'll tell you, friendship is the one kind of ship that never sinks.

Although, during my financial report I may be President of the bored.

Hey, you. Hey, funny.

Magellica the Unicorn. It's wondrous.

I played a 'nucular' psychiatrist in a James 'Bong' movie.

♪ La piscine ♪ j'adore la piscine ♪ towels sunscreen bathing suits ♪ diving boards and towels ♪ those ladders ♪ towels

I couldn't find a Lincoln hat so I grabbed this chimney sweep hat instead. If anyone notices... We're dead.

Idiots aren't just strippers or stay at home moms.

All the favors that you called in, you would have used next year for little lippy. Liddy. Is that even a name?

I wonder what Liddy will be doing with her degree from suny. Don't even say it. Oneonta.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I used an offensive term to describe a group of people who made America the great... continent that it is today.

Water parks... no, I will not endorse water parks. They are a cesspool of disease and people boo you when you walk back down the stairs.

Oh, I get it. She's naming awesome things. No, listen to me. Because of you, there may be an entourage movie.

Hug it off, ma'am! Turtle, turtle, turtle!

You will make the same self-destructive decisions over and over and you will never really be happy. And your jaw will hurt all the time.

Perfect little weiner dog, you just need a little mustard on you like that. And a little bun, just boop, like that.

No one will make you deutschepancakes, or welcome you home smelling of hot dog water and onion, or let you break out of jail when you play monopoly.

Oh, my God, I'm such an idiot.

It's funny, in school all you learn about Abraham Lincoln is that he was a gay alcoholic.

Hit me in the face!

In a lot of ways, you and I had similar upbringings. Terrible schools, broken homes... Thinking basketball was the ticket out. Being wrong.

I said creating a movement.

In this country, anyone could be the next Jack Donaghy or the next Denise Richards.

This room... Is moving.

I had the best education in the world. Private kindergarten where I got straight check marks.

Experimental boarding school in carmel where the students teach the teachers, and the teachers teach animals.

Then on to Northwestern where I majored in confidence.

She's already sorting objects by shape and color. At 11 months, I don't think so. She can count to ten if you say seven for her.

She gets five and nine? She can save five words. So. In mandarin.

She scored a 62 on the object permanence matrix. But that's an adult score.

And did I mention... She's using the potty. Surely just for wee-wee. No.

Oh, it's burning the backs of my eyes. Oh, it's burning my face now.

Kelsey Grammer! Kelsey Grammer did this to me.

Really, Pete? Kelsey Grammer made you do this while he was performing his one man show about Abraham Lincoln?

I look incredibly beautiful. The lighting is back to normal. Both switches need to be on, woman.

The bulb wasn't even broken? None of this was necessary.

So that's where that name came from.

Where everybody knows your name.