For British Eyes Only

I don't even have a girl, much less a stupid one.

But if they ever had a child, it would be... because the girl was his cousin Maeby.

in the twilight of her face

Oh, dear God. Send me back to prison.

As soon as Father came back, I've been like the Invisible Man. 'Hello! Can anyone see me?'

I've always loved those leathery little snappy faces. You certainly have a type.

Oh, it's in the dishwasher. Your father and I were using it for something.

My friskiness. Mama horny, Michael.

Why do I eat breakfast before I come here?

A 'protest-acular.'

Excuse me. I was just looking for a marker... A Magic Marker.

That's where she keeps things she has no need for.

I so very much would like to be in your 'prostate-icular'

Guess I shouldn't have used a permanent marker.

I mean, what are we, Amish?

Lot of that was the coma.

Yeah. I've heard your side of it.

There you just had to shut your eyes and take it. Here you have to shut your eyes and give it.

Andy Griffith. What, you never saw Matlock? Not a real attorney, Dad.

For $20,000, he'll twice... lean forward and whisper something in your ear. Oh. White suit... That's extra.

I thought that was the guy who played the Soup Nazi.

Not in every case.

Oh, they're polite and the men all sound gay... but they will rip out your heart

Has anyone in this family ever even seen a chicken?

It's more like a Lincoln. Oh, come on!

There's no satellite radio, but there's a banjo in the closet. And watch out for live-ins.

Lanes reverse! You're driving on the wrong side, you bloomin' idiot!

They're for British eyes only.

Perhaps if you're willing to lose 20 pounds.

What's the soup of the day, Mum? Bread.

Not her. Wait for it.

Not... Not for sex. You're gonna think that I'm Jack the Ripper, right?

Then I shall let you live.

This is my worst hello. Let me try again.

Well, lucky for you, my whole face is British.

Oh, yes... GMT. Everything here is on Greenwich mean time.

I like to think they teach me. - Like what? How to eat crayons, throw tantrums... - Oh, no. Not when I'm there. I'm very good.

It's turning into one of my worst good-byes.

our paths shan't cross again. As you like it.

Are you gonna buy this time, or you just curious? I suppose I'm, uh, buy-curious.

That's a pretty good chicken.

Now, back off, you !@%$# ponce!

Dad was not kidding about their breath.

I'm thinking about calling it 'Free...' I don't know. 'Chicken.'

I know what an erection feels like, Michael. No. It's the opposite. It's like my heart is getting hard.

That's a woman's wig. - I was told it was a bob.

That's a woman's wig. I was told it was a bob.

It's a wonderful performance. You're a regular Brad Garrett.

That could be Buster. - Could be Gob.

I wouldn't. I'll make you blue. Rita was just talking about the finger paint... but Michael didn't know that.

But instead he just sat in his car... and ate a whole thing of candy beans.

Where every day it rains... pennies from heaven!

Oh, I can just taste those meaty leading-man parts in my mouth.

An unlicensed Mary Poppins takes down another tourist. Is this the work of the Itsy Bitsy IRA?

A lot of people are probably here for the free chicken.

Is that a chicken? Oh, my God. Dad, are you all right? I fooled his own son. I am a leading man.

I am a leading man.

Keeps him out of the kitchen.

They don't have a !@%$# prayer. Send the check to my accountant.

Wow. She is way out of his league.

For you see, Rita had a secret of her own.