Male Unbonding

Notice when a guy's out in his driveway, working with tools, all men in the neighborhood are magnetically drawn to this activity? They come wandering out of the house like zombies.

Men hear a drill, it's like a dog whistle

Honey, Jim's working on something over there.

Now, they don't actually help the guy. No. They just want to hang around the area where work is being done.

What are you using, a Phillips head there?

That's why, at construction sites, they need those fences around it. That's just to keep the men out. They cut holes for us so we can see what's going on. Unless they cut those holes, we are climbing those fences.

What are you using, the steel girders down here? Yeah, that'll hold.

We can only thank God for that.

When that floss came flying out of my pocket.

I was buying her a container of orange drink for $5.00.

Ah, mint.

Our eyes lock. It was a horrible moment.

Without that floss in my pocket, I'd be crawling around her bedroom, looking for my glasses.

Looks like your belt is digesting a small animal.

They got a cure for cancer. See, it's all big business.

Jerry just walked in / Take it / Who is it? / It's for you.

Why put me on the phone with him? I hate just being handed a phone.

He's turned me into a screener.

Should I suffer all my life because I like Ping-Pong?

I was 10! I would've been friends with Stalin if he had a ping-pong table.

Kramerica Industries.

A pizza place where you make your own pie.

I make up things just to see if he's paying attention.

What can I do-- break up? Tell him we're not right for each other? It's a guy.

Approach this as if he was a woman. Break up? Absolutely.

Lenny Bruce used to go to him, and, I think, uh, Geraldo.

Hey, we're starving here! We've waited 10 minutes.

This turkey sandwich-- is that real turkey or turkey roll? I don't want processed turkey. I hate it.

There's a bird in back? No, there's no bird, but-- How do you know for sure? You go in the back and find out. Ok?

How can you talk to someone like that? What are you saying? You like turkey roll?

This friendship, it's not working. We're just not suited to be friends.

It's not you, it's me.

You're my best friend. Best friend? I've never been to your apartment.

If it was tonight, I would've said tonight.

The four worst words in the English language. That or 'Whose bra is this?' Hmm, that is worse.

So I have a decision-- do I walk or eat? You ate.

Someone says 'Get out of my life,' and that doesn't affect your appetite? Ever had their egg salad?

She ended it. At least she could've sent me off with a sandwich.

I know a guy who vacationed on his change. Yeah? Where'd he go-- to an arcade?

I gave your ticket to Horneck. You what?

You want me to roll 6,000 of these? What? Should I quit my job?

I've heard the expression laughing all the way to the bank. I've never seen anyone actually do it.

The bank is empty, and you still have to go through the little maze.

Get some cheese for me. I'm nearly there. I'd like a reward for this, please.

We give you dough. You smash it, pound it, fling it in the air. You put your sauce, your cheese, and then you slide it into the oven.

You can't have people shoving their arms into a 600-degree oven!

I just never-- I can't imagine anyone, in any walk of life, under any circumstance, wanting to make their own pizza pie.

One day, you'll beg me to make your own pie.

I, uh, have to tutor my nephew. Yeah, he's got an exam tomorrow. Geometry. You know, trapezoid, rhombus.

Trapezoids? I know. I'm really running out of excuses with this guy.

I need some kind of excuse Rolodex.

Picking someone up at airport, jury duty, waiting for cable company.

You ran out of underwear and can't leave the house.

How about, you've been diagnosed as a multiple personality? You're not even you. You're Dan.

I'd rather lie the rest of my life, than go through that again.

He was crying-- tears, accompanied by mucus.

You made a man cry? I never made a man cry. I kicked a guy in the groin once, and he didn't cry.

That sounds like a great idea. It would be fun. Kramer! Yeah! Perfect.

We're doing that, uh, evening of Eastern European national anthems. Right. You know, the Wall being down and everything.

We've got to get to the hospital to see if we qualify as those organ donors.

I've come to the conclusion there are certain friends, they're always your friends, and you have to accept it. You see them, you don't want to. You don't call them, they call you. You don't call back, they call again.

Pretend you're hosting your own little talk show. Pretend there's a little desk and chair there, and you interview them.

The problem is that there's no way to say, 'It's been great having you on the show. We're out of time.'