The Stock Tip

Jerry:You know, there's always that moment when the check comes. You're sitting there, you've just finished eating, and suddenly you realize you have no idea how much money you have on you. It's like a surprise test you didn't study for.

Jerry:And before you eat, you feel like an emperor. You're ordering appetizers, you're ordering drinks, you're ordering dessert. 'Bring it all!' You're like a conquering general.

Jerry:Then the check comes and you shrink. You become a peasant. You're looking at numbers on a piece of paper like you're reading ancient hieroglyphics. 'What is this? How did we get here?'

Jerry:You go to a restaurant, you sit down, the waiter brings the bread. And you immediately think, 'This is it. This is going to be the greatest meal of our lives.' It's a sandwhich! It's not like we're at some four-star restaurant in Paris. We're at a coffee shop in Manhattan eating a tuna on toast, and we're acting like we're about to have the greatest meal of our lives.

Jerry:Why do people always look at the check after eating? Like they're surprised. 'What? Forty dollars? I didn't know that's what food cost!' You just ate it! You enjoyed it! Now you want to dispute it? 'I didn't agree to these prices!' You ate the whole thing!

Jerry:Superman is hilarious. He's got this great sense of humor.

George:What are you talking about? Superman doesn't have a sense of humor.

Jerry:Are you kidding? The guy wears his underwear on the outside of his clothes!

George:He's Superman.

Elaine:I was at the grocery store, and I dropped a grape. Just one grape. And I spent twenty minutes looking for it.

Elaine:I was on my hands and knees in the produce section, searching under the apples, between the oranges... I couldn't just leave it there!

Elaine:Finally found it. Stuck to someone's shoe print. I wiped it off and put it back.

Jerry:What's the big deal? It's a grape. You ate a grape. Move on with your life.

Elaine:My apartment looks like the Actors Studio!

George:A weekend trip? That's like... that's like running a marathon. I can handle a few dates, maybe a dinner here and there, but a whole weekend?

Jerry:So what, you need to train for it? Do some stretches first?

George:I'm serious! It's too much continuous time. By Sunday, I'm exhausted. I need a recovery day.

Kramer:Oh, I'm telling you, it's not a regular grape. Something happened to it. It mutated. Now, picture this: it's 1987, a secret government lab in New Jersey. They're experimenting with growth hormones on produce. A small accident, a grape gets exposed to the chemicals. It develops sentience, superhuman strength. The government wants to keep it quiet, so they release it into the general population through a produce shipment.

George:It's a very simple concept. They take the water out of the ocean, remove the salt, and sell it as drinking water.

George:The way they do it is, they take the salt out.

Jerry:I'll have the tuna sandwich.

Waiter:You know, tuna fishing is destroying the dolphin population.

Jerry:On toast.

Jerry:What do you want from me? I let people merge! Do you know how selfish that is? I'm giving up car lengths here. Car lengths! I'm like Mother Teresa out there on the highway.

Elaine:I'll have the tuna sandwich.

Jerry:There's always someone talking during the movie. And it's never about the movie. It's always something completely unrelated.

Jerry:So I've developed a system. First, I do the look. You know the look? The slow turn of the head, the stare.

Jerry:If that doesn't work, I move to phase two: the heavy sigh. Very audible. I want them to know I'm aware of their existence and I'm disappointed in them.

Jerry:Then comes phase three. I start asking them questions about the plot. 'Who is that guy? What did he just say? Why is he running?' Really loudly.

Jerry:And if we get to phase four, I just stand up and move. I physically remove myself from the situation. But before I go, I make sure to step on their feet.

Waitress:We have corn flakes and wheat flakes.

Customer:That's it?

Waitress:That's it.

Jerry:Phase Two, that's when it gets interesting. You can call her by her first name, you can put your arm around her, maybe even hold hands. Then there's the big one - you can see her apartment.

Jerry:You can go through her drawers, look at her photographs, see what she's got in her medicine cabinet. You can meet her parents, go to her office, get her work number, call her at work - 'Hey, what are you doing?'

Jerry:You can buy her things, you can take her places. Then you get to the really advanced stuff - you can stay over, you can sleep over, you can be there in the morning when she wakes up.

Jerry:You can have breakfast together. You can meet her friends. You can go away for the weekend. You can say 'I love you' - oh, that's a big one.

Vanessa:So you went fishing in Vermont?

Jerry:Yeah, we went to this lake. Beautiful place.

Vanessa:Did you catch anything?

Jerry:A few trout. They were pretty small though. I was expecting bigger fish, like the ones you get at the fish market.

Vanessa:Those are ocean fish, Jerry.

Jerry:So? Fish is fish. What's the difference?

Vanessa:Freshwater and saltwater are completely different environments.

Jerry:Well somebody should tell the fish that. They're missing out on some real estate opportunities.

Jerry:I'm checking the stock prices. Maybe the Wall Street Journal has better news than USA Today.

Newman:I've been following your portfolio. Ouch!

Jerry:You know, Newman, I find it fascinating that you take such pleasure in my misfortune.

Newman:It's not misfortune, Jerry. It's justice.

Jerry:Justice? For what? What did I ever do to you?

Newman:You exist.

Kramer:You know, I've been thinking about starting a business. I want to invent a bro for men.

Kramer:It's a tie dispenser! You just press the button and boom, a tie comes out.

Jerry:Yeah, and I'm sure it dispenses with all the pretense of actually having to choose one yourself.

George:Jerry, can I ask you something? These friends of yours, are they good people?

Jerry:Yeah, they're good people.

George:But they're anarchists, right? And they're huge?

Jerry:Well, yeah, but they're good people.

Jerry:So you're just gonna walk in there and say what? 'Hi Wilkinson, how ya doin'? Boy, you really picked a bad time to get sick.'

George:What's wrong with that?

Jerry:What's wrong with it? George, the man is lying in a hospital bed. He doesn't want to hear about your problems.

George:I'm not gonna talk about my problems.

Jerry:Yes you are. You're gonna go in there, he's gonna ask you how things are going, and you're gonna tell him how the coffee at Monk's is too hot and how the dry cleaners lost your shirt.

Jerry:This is ridiculous. I can't wear this. Look at this thing—it's like a hand puppet.

Kramer:What are you talking about? That's a nice shirt.

Jerry:A nice shirt? I could fit my whole arm in here and work it like a marionette.

Dry Cleaner:Where did you get this shirt?

Jerry:What do you mean? I bought it.

Dry Cleaner:You didn't buy this shirt. This is a stolen shirt.

Jerry:A stolen shirt? What are you talking about? I got this shirt legitimately. I was at this store, and there was a sale, and I picked it up off the rack, and I paid money for it.

Dry Cleaner:No. This is a stolen shirt. I know stolen shirts.

Jerry:Look, I don't know what you're talking about. I bought this shirt fair and square at a department store during a going-out-of-business sale.

Jerry:I want you to admit you shrunk my shirt.

Dry Cleaner:I didn't shrink your shirt.

Jerry:Yes, you did. Just admit it.

Dry Cleaner:No.

Jerry:Come on, just say it. Say 'I shrunk it.' That's all I want to hear.

Dry Cleaner:...I shrunk it.

Jerry:What is dry cleaning? I mean, if it's dry cleaning, how do they get it clean? Isn't all cleaning wet? You need water to clean things. How can it be dry? I don't understand the whole thing.

Jerry:You know, I think dry cleaning is just a scam. It's basically just rubbing your clothes. That's all they do.

Jerry:I picture these workers in some sweatshop, just frantically rubbing shirts like their lives depend on it. 'Rub faster! The Dockers need to be pristine!'

Jerry:People say cats are smart because they're clean. But I know a guy who showers twice a day and he's an idiot.

Elaine:I can't take it anymore. These cats are driving me insane.

Jerry:What do you want to do about it?

Elaine:I don't know. How much would it cost to have someone, you know...

Jerry:Have someone what?

Elaine:Take care of them.

Jerry:You mean kill the cats?

Elaine:I'm just asking hypothetically. What's the going rate?

Jerry:I have no idea. That's not really something you can just look up.

Elaine:So how much would it cost to have someone kill my cat?

Jerry:I don't think I'm the right guy to ask about that.

Kramer:You're nuts!

Jerry:Oh, that's rich coming from you. At least George has a plan. Elaine wants to kill her cat.

Elaine:It's not murder, it's euthanasia!

Jerry:It's a cat, Elaine.

Jerry:So you're just gonna walk up to her?

Kramer:Yeah, I'm gonna go talk to her.

Jerry:You know, to her, you're gonna look like you're escaping from a mental institution.

Jerry:So what happened? They just threw you out?

George:Wilkenson came in, took one look at me, and said 'Get out.'

Jerry:Just like that?

George:He didn't even examine me. He just wanted me out of the hospital.

Jerry:Well, maybe he was having a bad day.

George:You know, Wilkinson, I gotta say - you throw a guy out with real finesse. Real class. The way you grabbed my arm, the trajectory, the landing - it was like a well-choreographed dance.

Wilkinson:Get out of here.

George:See? That's what I'm talking about. Impeccable delivery.

Jerry:You know what I realized? We're not even really together. We're just two people who happened to be in the same car for three hours.

Jerry:I mean, we don't know anything about each other. You don't know my last name, I don't know your middle name...

Jerry:We're basically strangers who made out once.

Jerry:And now we're supposed to pretend this means something? That we have a 'connection'? We don't have a connection. We have proximity.

Jerry:So, uh, do you know how a watch works?

Vanessa:I mean, not really. There's springs and gears and stuff.

Jerry:Right, right. Springs and gears. That's... that's the thing about watches.

Vanessa:Uh-huh.

Jerry:They have those.

Jerry:What am I gonna do, sit in a cabin in Vermont and watch it rain? I'd rather watch my life rain on me in New York where at least I can get a decent coffee.

Jerry:So I sold the stock, right? Next day it goes up three points. Three points! The stock fluctuated.

Vanessa:You lost all that money in the stock market and now you're staying in this tiny apartment?

Jerry:Well, I have to cut back somewhere.

Vanessa:Maybe if you weren't so cheap, you wouldn't have lost the money in the first place. You probably used some discount broker.

George:I made $127 on my investment. That's not a profit, that's a car payment.

George:So Wilkenson's in the hospital with this serious condition, right? I'm thinking, oh man, this guy's really sick.

Jerry:What was wrong with him?

George:That's just it—he had cosmetic surgery. A nose job!

Jerry:A nose job? That's his serious condition?

George:He was acting like he was dying. I went to visit him, the guy's lying there like he's on his deathbed over a nose job.

Jerry:So you're saying breaking up with your boyfriend is like losing a lamp?

Elaine:No, it's worse. At least with a lamp you know what you're losing.

Jerry:Well I lost an entire cabin in Vermont. A cabin, Elaine. That's not a lamp, that's a house.

Elaine:How do you lose a cabin?

Jerry:I don't want to talk about it.

Jerry:You know, I've been thinking about my stock losses, and I realized something. Superman never had this problem.

Jerry:He just flies around, saves people, doesn't worry about his portfolio. So I'm gonna try that.

Jerry:I'm gonna go outside, jump off a building, see if I can fly. If I can fly, the stock market can't hurt me anymore.

George:Wilkenson says it's a sure thing. He's putting his whole portfolio into it.

Jerry:What is it?

George:Some company that makes software for organizing your sock drawer.

Jerry:Your sock drawer?

George:It's the future, Jerry. The future!

Jerry:People always say 'let your money work for you.' But if my money was an employee, I'd fire it. It does nothing. It just sits there. 'Hey money, you're supposed to be working!' 'I'm on break.' 'You've been on break for three years!' It's the worst employee I've ever had. No initiative, no drive. I'd say, 'Money, I need you to grow.' It's like, 'Maybe tomorrow.' Tomorrow never comes! So I fired it. Now I've got no money and no job. At least we're even.