The Chinese Restaurant

Phone rings. It's the phone company. They want more money.

You've got them right where you want them for the first time in your life. You're on the street. There's nothing they can do.

Yeah, hello, operator? Oh, I've got the money. I've got the money right here. You hear that? That's a quarter. Yeah, you want that, don't you?

I wanna see garbage men. It's much more important. All I wanna see are garbage trucks, garbage cans and garbage men.

They should combine the two jobs. Make it one job. Cop/garbage man. I always see cops walking around with nothing to do. Grab a broom.

You sweep, sweep, sweep. Catch a criminal, get right back to sweeping.

You should run for mayor. - Nobody listens.

I'm very lucky she's even considering seeing me at all.

Four. That'll be five, 10 minutes.

You know, it's a public phone. You're not supposed to just chitchat.

Can't look at a menu now, I gotta be at the table. He knows I'm waiting. He sees me. He just doesn't wanna look.

Health cookies. I hate those little dust-board fructose things.

What is it with humanity? What kind of a world do we live in?

There's a woman over there looks really familiar. This is gonna drive me crazy.

Did you see that? Those people... Look, they're getting a table. Maybe they were here from before. No, no, they weren't here before.

You ever notice how happy people are when they finally get a table? They feel so special because they've been chosen.

It's enough to make you sick. Boy, you are really hungry.

If anything happens here, can I count on you? If we decide to go at it. Yeah, I wanna get into a rumble.

Look at his little outfit. It's all so coordinated. The little socks match the little shirt. I really hate this guy.

It's not fair that people are seated first come, first served. It should be based on who's hungriest.

There's 50 bucks in it for you if you do it. You walk over to that table, you pick up an egg roll, you don't say anything, you eat it, say 'Thank you very much,' wipe your mouth, walk away.

They won't do anything. In fact, you'll be giving them a story to tell for the rest of their lives.

I don't wanna go over there and do it and then come back here and find out there was some little loophole like I didn't put mustard on it or something.

For 50 bucks? I'd put my face in their soup and blow.

I know this sounds crazy, but the two men standing behind me will give me 50 bucks if I stand here and eat one of your egg rolls. I'll give you 25 if you let me do it.

You know, we're living in a society! We're supposed to act in a civilized way!

Does she care? No. Does anyone ever display the slightest sensitivity over the problems of a fellow individual? No. No! A resounding no.

How do people fast? Did Gandhi get this crazy?

Well, it's this little place with this little bathroom. And it's, like, right there, you know? It's not even down a little hall or off in an alcove, you understand? There's no buffer zone.

I begin to perceive this impending intestinal requirement whose needs are going to surpass, by great lengths, anything in the sexual realm.

I know that that bathroom is not gonna provide me with the privacy that I know I'm going to need.

Tatiana, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I think it would be best if I left.

So I'm dressing, and she's staring up at me, struggling to compute this unprecedented turn of events.

The only excuse she might possibly have accepted is if I told her I am, in reality, Batman. And I'm very sorry, I just saw the Bat Signal.

Remember when you first went out to eat with your parents? Remember? It was such a treat to go. And they serve you this different food that you never saw before. And they put it in front of you and it was such a delicious and exciting adventure. And now I just feel like a big sweaty hog waiting for them to fill up the trough.

Hey. What stinks in here?

Better place! Want a...? Want a table? No, just bring me a plate, and I'll eat here.

Oh, no. Mr. Cohen always here. He's always here? What does that mean? What does that mean?

Where am I? Is this a dream? What in God's name is going on here?

I told her to call me here and to tell anyone that answers to ask for a balding, stocky man with glasses.

How are you doing? Good, good. What's going on? I'm working hard. And you? Oh, you know, working around. Same stuff. Doing... whatever.

Oh, my God, Lorraine. That's Lorraine from my uncle's office. I am in big, big trouble.

The chain reaction of calls this is gonna set off. New York, Long Island, Florida. It's like the Bermuda Triangle. Unfortunately, nobody ever disappears.

'Do they take money?' Everyone takes money. I went out with a guy who did it all the time. You slip them 20 bucks.

I'm not gonna eat that much. I'm counting your shrimps.

The women's movement just can't seem to make any progress in the world of bribery, can they?

Dennison, four! Your table is ready. No, no. I want that table. I want that table!

What a sorry exhibition that was.

Be about five, 10 minutes.

Cartwright! I can't have popcorn for dinner. Cartwright!

Yes. I just got a call. I yell, 'Cartwright? Cartwright!' Just like that. Nobody came up. I hang up.

Who's Cartwright? I'm Cartwright. You're not Cartwright. Of course I'm not Cartwright!

Well, I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?

Seinfeld, four! Hunger will make people do amazing things. I mean, the proof of that is cannibalism.

This is good. Who is this? I like this person. I would think the hardest thing about being a cannibal is trying to get some really deep sleep.

What was that? Who's there? Who's there? Is somebody there? What do you want? What do you want? You look hungry. Are you hungry? Get out of here.