The Baby Shower

Jerry:You know what I hate about sweepstakes? The false hope. They say 'You may have already won!' May have? You either won or you didn't. There's no 'may have.' That's not how winning works.

Jerry:So I open the envelope, and it says 'Congratulations! You are a finalist!' Finalist? I'm not a finalist, I'm a loser. Just tell me I lost. Don't make me a finalist in losing.

Jerry:Then it gets worse. 'Important notification inside.' I open it: 'We regret to inform you...' Regret? Don't regret! You didn't promise me anything! Stop regretting my non-win!

Jerry:And the final one, the one that really gets you: 'Your entry was not selected.' Not selected? I wasn't even entered! I was rejected before I even started!

George:I would help you, but I'm not supposed to lift anything heavy. My chiropractor said my back is very delicate.

George:Plus, I just ate. You're not supposed to exert yourself right after eating. All the blood goes to your stomach.

George:That would be anathema to everything I stand for.

Jerry:Anathema? What are you, reading the Word-a-Day calendar?

George:I use it in conversation.

Jerry:You just learned what it means yesterday!

Jerry:Breaking that statue was traumatic. But you know what was worse? The time I realized I'd been pronouncing 'worcestershire' wrong my entire life.

Jerry:Okay, okay, let's settle this like adults.

Kramer:You're right, you're right.

George:Yeah, we should be mature about this.

Jerry:Rock, paper, scissors?

Kramer:Best two out of three!

George:On three! One, two, three!

Jerry:Wait, so you're saying if I point at you, you're automatically out?

George:No, no, no. You point, but only if you say 'eeny meeny' first.

Kramer:I thought you had to close your eyes!

Jerry:When? Before or after the pointing?

George:There is no after. Once you point, it's over.

Kramer:So what am I doing closing my eyes?

Jerry:Apparently nothing. You're doing nothing.

George:I look like I'm ready to solve a crime from 1987.

George:Wait, you cheated? At inka-dink?

Jerry:Yeah, I cheated.

George:You cheated at inka-dink?! That's... that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!

Jerry:Well, I was losing!

Elaine:Maybe he's dead.

Ray:Hello, my dear friends. What a magnificent gathering of souls we have here this evening. The ambiance is simply divine, the company most exquisite.

Jerry:Ray, it's just us. We're watching TV.

Ray:Yes, but the way you're watching it—with such passion, such dedication. It's like witnessing Michelangelo paint the Sistine Chapel, except horizontal.

Ray:I promise you, I will clean this place from top to bottom. Every nook and cranny will sparkle like a diamond.

Jerry:Yeah, just use the sponge.

Jerry:I could never be a maid. I'd go crazy. I'd be in someone's house, and I'd start thinking, 'Why am I doing this? These people don't appreciate me. I'm cleaning their toilet, and they're out having brunch.'

Jerry:And then I'd start leaving little messages. I'd write in the dust on their nightstand: 'I was here. I cleaned. You're welcome.'

Jerry:Then I'd get more aggressive. I'd rearrange their furniture. Move their bed three inches to the left. Just enough so they notice something's different, but they can't figure out what.

Jerry:And finally, I'd just snap. I'd be standing in their living room with a mop, screaming, 'You know what? Clean it yourself! I'm done! You want a clean house? Get a job! Oh wait, you have a job. You just don't want to clean!'

Jerry:He cleaned it so thoroughly, it became uncoagulated.

Jerry:How did Ray get in there and clean it?

George:He's like a contortionist or something.

Jerry:A contortionist? What, like Gumby?

George:No, not like Gumby. Gumby's not a real person.

Jerry:I know Gumby's not a real person. I'm saying he bends like Gumby.

George:Oh. Well, yeah, I guess.

Jerry:With that kind of dramatic personality, Ray, you should be suicidal.

Elaine:Jerry!

Jerry:

Elaine:Jerry?

Jerry:What? Sorry, what?

Ray:This tea is like a gentle whisper of exotic flowers dancing across the misty mountains of a far-off land, with notes of jasmine and bergamot that transport you to a serene garden where time itself seems to pause in reverent silence.

Jerry:So, uh, how about those Knicks?

Jerry:I don't eat dinner. Dinner is a scam. They want you to believe you need three meals a day, but really it's just a conspiracy to sell more food. Breakfast, lunch, dinner — it's a triangle of lies. I'm out.

Ray:I didn't do anything wrong with Rava!

Jerry:What does Finland have to do with this?

George:You're a real moron.

Ray:What?

George:I said you're a real Mormon.

George:You know what? I'm tired of this! I'm tired of the excuses, the delays, the nonsense! Ray, you've had months—MONTHS—to handle this simple task and what have you done? Nothing! Absolutely nothing!

Ray:George, I can explain—

George:No! No explanations! I don't want to hear another excuse! You know what your problem is? You're a liar, Ray. A big fat liar! And everybody knows it!

George:Wait a minute, you told me you graduated from Columbia!

Ray:I did graduate from Columbia.

George:Then why does it say here you went to Hofstra?

Ray:I went to Hofstra for two years, then I transferred to Columbia.

George:Oh, so you're a transfer student. Why didn't you just say that?

Ray:Because nobody cares where you transferred from.

George:I care! I care! This is important!

Jerry:So what's the deal with this whole situation?

Ray:What do you mean 'what's the deal'? You know exactly what this is about!

Jerry:Yeah, yeah, I know, but... real quick — do you have a spare button?

George:So what'd you do last night?

Rava:Oh, we had sex. It was great. We did it three times. The first time was really passionate, the second time was more sensual, and the third time I was just trying to get it over with so I could watch Seinfeld.

Elaine:Jerry, you're like a two-minute man.

Jerry:Two minutes? I thought I was doing pretty well.

Elaine:Well, you're not. You're a premature ejaculator.

Elaine:I mean, what are the odds of that happening?

Rava:It's not really a coincidence, it's just a statue.

Elaine:Just a statue? Rava, two people buying the same statue is definitely a coincidence.

Rava:No, no. A coincidence is when two unrelated things happen at the same time. This is just... a popular statue.

Elaine:So you're saying there's no such thing as a coincidence?

Rava:I'm saying most coincidences aren't really coincidences. They're just probabilities playing out.

Jerry:My mother says to me, 'You handle disappointment so well.' I said, 'Yeah, I do handle it well.' She says, 'No, you don't. You're a wreck.'

George:We gotta do something about Ray. We can't just let him keep doing this.

George:I say we kill him.

George:He's going to face justice in the afterlife.

Jerry:What, my parents?

Kramer:You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney...

Kramer:Now spread 'em.

Kramer:I'm a cop.

Kramer:I'm a real cop.

Kramer:I'm a cop, dammit!

Kramer:I did nothing to Ray. I simply showed him a little, you know, tough love.

Jerry:Tough love? What does that mean?

Kramer:Well, if this were "The People's Court," I'd be the defendant. But it's not. So I'm just a guy who maybe gave Ray a little shove.

Jerry:People always say, 'Keep your wallet in your shoe.' Like a mugger is going to say, 'Alright, I got your watch, your rings, your necklace... wait, let me check the shoe.' Nobody looks in the shoe. It's the first place they look! It's like a mugger's treasure map.

Jerry:You know, I've been thinking about security. And I realize, the best security is no security. Because if nobody knows you have security, then nobody knows to break through it.