The Statue

They tease you with, 'You may have already won.' I'd like once for a sweepstakes company to have some guts. Just tell people the truth one time. Send out envelopes: 'You have definitely lost.' You turn it over, giant printing: 'Not even close.' You open it, there's a letter of explanation: 'Even we cannot believe how badly you've done in this contest.'

Don't get up. - I'd like to help, but my neck...

Students can't clean. It's anathema. They don't like it. How long you been waiting to squeeze that into a conversation?

To this day, they bring it up. It was the single most damaging experience of my life. Aside from seeing my father naked.

Why don't you just settle it like mature adults? - Potato man. - No, no. No potato man. Inka-dink.

And you are... - Wait a minute. No. ...it - What? What are you doing? No, no. Oh, okay. All right. He's out, I get it. - No, no, no. I'm it. I win. - No. He's it. He wins. It is good.

I can't believe I won at inka-dink.

You know, you owe me one. - What? - The inka-dink. You were it. - It's bad? - It's very bad.

Or maybe he's dead.

Greetings. Greetings and salutations. I beg your forgiveness. My tardiness was unavoidable. Rava, my love. Elaine, dear friend. And you must be Jerry, lord of the manor. My liege. A pleasure to serve you.

Your palace shall sparkle like the stars in heaven...upon your safe arrival, sire. The toilet brush is under the sink.

I don't feel comfortable with a maid either. There's that guilt when someone's cleaning your house. You're sitting on the sofa, they go by with the vacuum. 'I'm really sorry about this. I don't know why I left that stuff over there.'

That's why I could never be a maid. I would have that attitude. I'd find them, wherever they are. 'I suppose you couldn't do this. No, don't get up. Let me clean up your filth. No, you couldn't dust. Oh, this is too tough, isn't it?'

He really did an amazing job. Look. He uncoagulated the top of the dishwashing liquid.

He cleaned out the bottom of the little egg cups.

He cleaned in the little one-inch area...between the refrigerator and the counter. How'd he get in there? He must be like Rubber Man. There's no Rubber Man. Why did I think there was a Rubber Man? There's Elastic Man, Plastic Man...

Elaine, he Windexed the little peephole.

Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere?

My mother left us when I was 6 years old. All seven of us. We never heard from her again. I hope she's rotting in an alley somewhere.

Hot down there in the summer. You ever been down there?

Dinner's for suckers.

And of all things to take. I left my watch, tape recorder, stereo. He's crazy.

Would you shut up?!

Are you saying I stole your statue? - What a mind. - Well, I... - I can't believe what I'm hearing. - I can't believe what I'm hearing.

She's from Finland, for crying out loud. Finland! Do you understand? I know Finland. They're neutral.

You wuss. - Did you call me a wuss? - What did you say? I said, 'luss.' I'm at a 'luss.'

But unfortunately, the guy retired and moved to Singapore. Singapore? Do you hear this? If you really want, maybe I can contact the guy in Singapore. Have him make a Photostat of the receipt...and send it over.

That's it! I can't take it. I can't take it anymore! You stole the statue! You're a thief! You're a liar! - George. - Who is this? I'm the judge and the jury, pal. And the verdict is, guilty!

I checked you out. They have no record...of a Ray Thomas at that school, you liar! That is because I am registered under my full legal name...Raymond Thomas Wochinski. Ray Thomas is my professional name. You mean 'alias.'

How did you get the goop out of the top of the dishwashing liquid? It was like a brand-new nozzle.

No, we made love on the floor like two animals.

Was Jerry? I can't remember.

Big coincidence. Not a big coincidence. A coincidence. No, that's a big coincidence. That's what a coincidence is. There are no small coincidences and big coincidences. No. There are degrees of coincidences. No. There are only coincidences. Ask anyone.

Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere?

How is it my fault? It was stolen. I didn't even touch it this time.

Instead of editing the first novel of a major young writing talent...I am proofreading a food-allergy cookbook.

And he doesn't think you're funny at all.

Yeah, he'll have my parents.

Freeze, mama! Hey, hey... Shut up! Spread them. I said, spread them! You're in big trouble, son. Burglary, grand larceny...possession of stolen goods. And murder! Murder? Shut up! Keep them spread. You just make love to that wall, pervert.

Yeah, I'm a cop. I'm a good cop. I'm a damn good cop! And today's your lucky day, junior. Because I'm gonna let you off with just a warning. Any more of this criminal activity, and you'll be sorry. You got me?

Well, let's put it this way: I didn't take him to People's Court.

People are going to steal from you. You can't stop them. But everybody has their own little personal security things. Things that they think will foil the crooks, you know, in your mind. You go to the beach, go in the water. Put your wallet in the sneaker. Who's gonna know? What criminal mind could penetrate this fortress of security?

'I tied a bow. They can't get through that.' 'I put the wallet down by the toe of the sneaker. They never look there. They check the heel, they move on.'