The Library

Does it seem to you that the ventriloquist dummy has a very active sexual, social life?

bringing them back to the suitcase at night. There's always a sawdust joke in there somewhere

He says kinky things, because he's made out of wood and he can spin his head around

we're not noticing the feet are just swinging there. Dummy feet never look really right, do they?

Those little thin, fabric ankles that they have... You think, 'I don't think this thing is real.'

Are you kidding me? Let me speak with the head librarian. It's absurd.

This is a joke, right? What are you, from a radio station? Okay, you got me. I fell for it.

Do you know how much that comes to? That's a nickel a day for 20 years. It's gonna be $50,000.

If it's a dime a day, it could be 100,000.

She was developing this body in secret under these loose clothes for, like, two years. And then one day... this orange dress.

Oh, memory burn, huh?

People sitting around reading the newspaper attached to those huge wooden sticks trying to save a quarter.

The Dewey Decimal System. What a scam that was. Boy, this Dewey guy really cleaned up on that deal.

Look. Trying to save a quarter.

I kind of like those sticks. I'd like to get them in my house.

A spinster. Maybe a virgin.

Needs a little Kramer, huh?

Then she'll need a little shot of penicillin.

That's like an ice-cream man named Cone.

He's older, completely covered in filth, no whistle. But I think it's him.

Oh, tattletale.

He sang like a canary.

He's out on a case? He actually goes out on cases?

So, what's a guy gotta do around here to get a library card?

You see, 'I don't know anything' means there's something to know. If you really didn't, you'd say: 'You're crazy.'

Hurts your teeth.

Just because I got the guy fired doesn't mean I turned him into a bum, does it?

Instead of saying Costanza, he'd say, 'Can't stand you. Can't stand you.'

I remember he made you wear a jock on your head for a whole class. And the straps were hanging down...

It was like from an exhumed corpse. Little baked beans.

They also have an atomic wedgie. Now, the goal there is to actually get the waistband on top of the head. It's very rare.

We just tease someone till they develop an eating disorder.

That's what the library is. It's a government-funded pathetic friend.

Buy a jar of Folgers crystals, put it in the cupboard, you forget about it. When you need it, it's there. It lasts forever. It's freeze-dried. Freeze-dried crystals.

But you put on a pair of shoes in the New York Public Library, fella.

finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees in The Cat in the Hat and The Five Chinese Brothers?

Well, I got a flash for you, joy-boy: Party time is over.

I can't.

I said, 'Liquorice gum. What will they think of next?' I remember it!

Purple? You sure it wasn't orange? Positive.

No Black Jack? Liquorice gum? Never.

Tropic of Capricorn? Remember? 'What holds the world together as I have learned from bitter experience is sexual intercourse.'

It was George!

Pressed chest Fleshed out west Might be the saviour Or a garden pest That is great poetry. You should be published.

Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello.

Got that, kewpie doll?

Maybe I'm getting a wedgie.

I can't take it! Oh, Kramer.

Columbus. Eurotrash.

Can't stand you. Can't stand you.

At least it wasn't atomic. It was.

Ever have a man die in your arms? Ever kill somebody?

That is one tough monkey.

Any day that you had gym was a weird school day... then suddenly, you're like, in Lord of the Flies for 40 minutes.

There's something off in the whole flow of that day.