The Parking Garage

Jerry:If you had suction-cup feet, you could walk on the map itself

Jerry:People would recognize and discuss the suction-cup navigation guy. 'Did you see that guy? He's got suction cups on his feet!' 'Yeah, I saw him climbing up the building yesterday.' 'He went right up the side like it was nothing.'

Jerry:Look at this. We're in a store looking for air conditioners in the middle of winter. It's like going to a restaurant and asking for yesterday's soup.

George:I'm not doing anything Saturday. I'm staying home. I can't go out on Saturday. What if I run into someone I know? What do I say? 'Hi, I'm just out walking around on a Saturday like some kind of vagrant.' No, no. Saturday is a day you stay in. You plan ahead, you make reservations, you coordinate. You don't just... wander.

George:I'm imagining you all sitting around thinking about me.

George:They're probably saying, 'George is so great. We wish we were George.'

George:And then they start getting excited about me...

George:Their heart rates are increasing. Their palms are getting sweaty.

George:And then... they're all making love to me.

George:We're like a couple of bums. We have no jobs, no money, no prospects. We're sitting in a coffee shop like a couple of losers, drinking coffee we can barely afford, talking about nothing. This is it. This is our lives now.

Jerry:My father is like a presidential candidate. He goes to the car lot, he looks at the cars, he test drives them, he comes home, he tells my mother about it, she doesn't like any of them, so he goes back to the lot.

George:I mean, it's not like I caught some great fish or anything. It's just a fish.

Kramer:Yeah, but you caught it.

Jerry:Absurd but somehow logical traffic observation

Jerry:Saturday traffic is the worst. Everyone's going to the same place at the same time.

George:Yeah, like that time I imagined the picnic...

Jerry:Right, except in reality nobody's having fun.

Jerry:My grandfather used to say, 'It's not a picnic.' He'd say it about everything - traffic, waiting in line, dealing with the cable company. 'It's not a picnic.'

Jerry:But you know what? He was right. Because if it WAS a picnic, at least you'd have potato salad.

Elaine:Why is it that every mall bathroom is always at the complete opposite end of the mall from where you are? I'm at the Gap, the bathroom is by the food court. I'm at the food court, it's by the Gap!

George:She's magnificent. She's like a work of art. I can't even look at her.

George:Why would you show me this? This is cruel. This is like showing a starving man a steak through a window.

George:I'm gonna need to sit down. And possibly cry.

Jerry:You know, if you just walked over there and talked to her?

George:I know, I know. It's easy for you.

Jerry:There's nothing to it.

George:Ah, if I do it, she'll think I'm a moron. She'll take one look at me and go 'Eww.' I'm not doing it.

Elaine:You know, George, there's no difference between you and anybody else. I mean, you go up and talk to her just like you would anybody else.

George:That's a good point. Excuse me, I couldn't help but noticing that you have a body. I too have a body.

George:I'm going to approach her. She'll think I'm sensitive, she'll see that I'm funny. And she'll find me very are-rousing.

Jerry:That's gold, George. Gold.

George:I'm going in.

George:Hi. I'm George. I couldn't help but come over and talk to you.

Woman:Hi.

George:I know how that sounds. But I am man enough to admit what I want. Right now, I'm at a place in my life where I have some very good qualities and I'm looking to share them with someone special.

Woman:That's wonderful.

George:I have a knowledge of the area.

Woman:I'm getting married next month.

Jerry:I'm telling you, we parked on the second level, right next to the elevator.

Kramer:No, no, no. We parked on the ground level. I remember because I saw that guy with the shopping cart.

Jerry:What guy? There was no guy with a shopping cart. We took the escalator up.

Kramer:Escalator? There's no escalator in this garage. We took the stairs, and they were on the left side.

Jerry:The stairs were on the right side, and our car was near the entrance.

Kramer:Our car was near the back. Way in the back. I'm very confident about this.

George:Do you know what we are? We're like lab rats in a maze!

Jerry:What are you talking about?

George:We're going in circles trying to find a spot. Up, down, level three, back to level two. We're just running through this garage like we're looking for cheese!

Jerry:So what do you want to do?

George:I want to get out of this maze! And I want some cheese!

George:It's a blue sedan.

Jerry:It's not blue, it's gray.

George:Gray? It's definitely blue.

Jerry:We can't even find our car because we don't agree on what color it is.

George:Why didn't I think of that? It's so simple! Just do the opposite of every instinct you have. If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.

Kramer:Jerry, my fish hasn't eaten in three days. I think he's dying.

Jerry:Maybe he's just not hungry.

Kramer:For three days?

Jerry:I don't know, Kramer. I'm not a fish doctor.

Elaine:I really need to use the bathroom.

Jerry:Why don't you just go in the street?

Elaine:What?

Jerry:People do it all the time.

George:Not in this city.

George:You can't just hold it in. It's not healthy. I read that truck drivers, they hold it in for like eight, nine hours at a time. Their bladders are like, like tanks. But the rest of their bodies are shot.

George:You know, I read somewhere that one in five adults over forty wear some kind of protective undergarment. One in five! That's twenty percent of the population walking around in diapers.

Jerry:What are you saying? That you go through diapers like some kind of incontinent man?

George:I'm just saying, it's a lot of diapers.

Jerry:George, most people, they go to the bathroom, they use the toilet.

Jerry:I have a very strict policy about bathroom usage. I think people use the bathroom too much. I'm talking about unnecessary trips. You know what I'm saying? I think it's a moral issue. I think bladder control is a character builder. It really is. I mean, why do we have a bladder if we're just gonna use it whenever we feel like it? That's not discipline. That's not character.

George:Why do I have to remember Purple 23? I can't even remember my own phone number!

George:Yeah, that's what I should be focused on. Not my job, not my relationship, not anything that actually matters in my life. Just Purple 23.

George:What if I'm out somewhere and I think of something funny? I should write it down, but what if I don't have a pen? I could ask somebody, 'You got a pen?' But what if they say 'No, I don't have a pen'? Then I'm stuck. I can't write it down. What if it's the funniest thing I ever thought of? Now it's gone forever. My brain is a sieve. I can't rely on my memory.

George:So I'm thinking, maybe I should carry a pen with me at all times. But then what if the pen runs out of ink? Now I got a pen, but it doesn't work. That's worse than not having a pen, because now I'm walking around with a false sense of security.

Jerry:You know what malls need? They need to consult with urologists. Because urologists understand the human body. They know that after you've been walking around for an hour, drinking Orange Julius, you're going to need a bathroom. But where are they? They're not there! You can't find them. It's like they're playing hide and seek with your bladder.

Man:Hey, get away from my kid!

Jerry:I'm just saying, you can't hit him like that. There are laws now.

Man:This is none of your business!

Jerry:It becomes my business when I witness it. I'm a concerned citizen.

Man:You don't even know what he did!

Jerry:Doesn't matter. The point is, violence is not the answer. What if I called child protective services right now?

Child:You're stupid!

Jerry:Oh yeah? Well you're more stupid!

Child:You're a jerk!

Jerry:You're an even bigger jerk!

Child:You're a butthead!

Jerry:You're a super butthead!

Jerry:Okay, new rule: if you find my car, you call me immediately. You don't go to a movie, you don't stop for coffee, you call me right away.

Kramer:My fish, his eyes are going. I think he's going blind.

Jerry:Kramer, your fish is fine. You know what the problem is? Your eyes are going.

Jerry:Excuse me, are you security guards?

Security Guard:Yeah, what's the problem?

Jerry:Well, I need your help. I'm being harassed.

Security Guard:By who?

Jerry:By that guy over there. Look, you guys ARE security guards, right? You have the uniform, the badge...

Security Guard:Yeah, of course we are.

Jerry:Because you don't look like security guards. You look like you're waiting for a table at Bennigan's.

Kramer:Wait, wait, wait! You don't understand. I'm telling you, these fish are dead!

Security Guard:Sir, you need to leave the building.

Kramer:No, no, no. I have a marine biologist on speed dial. He's going to back me up on this!

Kramer:These fish are deceased. They are no longer with us. That's science!

Elaine:My bladder is like a shopping bag. It knows exactly when we're in a store with no bathroom.

George:I have a very rare condition. It's called... Façade Syndrome. Very serious. The slightest noise and I break out in hives.

Security Guard:I've never heard of that.

George:Of course you haven't. It's rare. My doctor said if I don't get complete silence, I could go into a coma. Possibly fatal.

George:I'm having a medical emergency! I need help!

Security Guard:You need to fill out a form.

George:A form?! I'm dying here!

Security Guard:That's the procedure.

George:I'll be dead by the time I finish the form!

Security Guard:Then your next of kin can complete it.

George:I told my doctor I had a very rare condition. He'd never heard of it before.

George:It's called George Paulis Erectus.

George:I have a very specific medical condition. I need an official urination permit.

George:My father had it, his father had it. It runs in the family.

George:I had to get special documentation from my doctor. It's laminated.

George:My mother won't even acknowledge it exists. She thinks I'm making it up for attention.

George:But the permit is very real, and it's very official.

George:So I'm thinking, what if I get one of those handicapped placards? You know, for my car. I could park anywhere.

Jerry:George, you're not handicapped.

George:Not yet! But I could get a doctor's note. Say I have a bad back or something.

Kramer:I got a guy. He'll write anything.

George:See? And then I could just... park right out front. No walking three blocks in the rain.

Jerry:You realize kids are gonna start using these things. You'll create a whole generation of fake handicapped teenagers.

George:So?

Jerry:So they're gonna be joy-riding in handicapped spots like it's Six Flags!

George:It's like he entered another dimension. One second he's there, the next second... poof! He's gone.

Elaine:George, he went to the bathroom.

George:That's what they want you to think.

Kramer:You know, I'm not afraid of death. When my time comes, I'm ready to go.

George:Ready to go? Kramer, you haven't even lived yet!

Kramer:I've lived enough. I've had my experiences.

George:You live in a rent-controlled apartment and you eat cereal for dinner. That's not living, that's existing!

George:You know, I've been thinking about this. Kramer doesn't worry about anything. He doesn't worry about money, he doesn't worry about his health, he doesn't worry about death. And look at him - he's vibrant, he's energetic, he's living life to the fullest.

George:Maybe that's the secret. Maybe if you don't worry about dying, you actually live longer because you're not stressed all the time.

George:Yeah, well, we're living every moment right now, and it's pathetic.

George:Hey, where'd you get that jacket?

Kramer:Oh, some guy left it at my mother's apartment. I figured, finders keepers.

George:You're wearing a dead man's jacket?

Kramer:He's not dead, George. He just didn't come back for it.

George:I didn't do it! You can't prove I did it! Maybe it was somebody else. Maybe it was... the sprinkler system! Yeah, the sprinkler system malfunctioned. I was standing in the wrong place at the wrong time. It could happen to anybody!

George:I'm not peeing! I'm pouring water on myself!

Jerry:George, you're in the middle of the street.

George:So? I spilled on my pants. I'm trying to dilute it!

Kramer:That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

George:Oh, like you've never had an accident!

George:So you're telling me you won't help me find my car, but you can't even tell me why?

Security Guard:That's right.

George:You just... won't help me?

Security Guard:I don't know. I just don't feel like it.

George:I'm telling you, I was an astronaut. I flew to the moon five times. Well, four times. Okay, three times. Once. I went up in a plane.

George:I was imprisoned in China for three years.

George:They thought I was a spy. I couldn't tell them who I really was because they would've killed me.

George:So I made up this whole identity. I was a Danish millionaire named Kierkegaard.

George:I had to learn Danish in six months. Do you know how hard that is?

George:I almost got away with it too, but then I sneezed during the national anthem and they knew something was wrong.

Kramer:The inspector's got a specific weight requirement for dating.

Elaine:Wait, wait, wait. You told her WHAT?

Jerry:I know, I know.

Elaine:That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Jerry:You think I don't know that?

Jerry:You ever follow somebody to their car in a parking lot? You're walking the same direction as them, so you're following them to their car. And they know you're following them to their car. There's no way around it. You can't speed up, you can't slow down... you're locked in. It's like a parade, except you're marching behind one person. And the worst part? When they stop and turn around because they can't find their car. And you have to pretend you're also looking for your car. You do that thing where you look around real confused, like 'Where IS my car?' *gestures helplessly* Like you're lost too. But you're not lost. You know where YOUR car is. You're just trying to make them feel better about being lost.

Jerry:See, a lost person doesn't walk like that. A lost person walks like this.

Jerry:A lost person has no idea where he is. He's looking around, he's confused, he's got that look on his face like 'Where am I? How did I get here?'

Jerry:But this guy, he's walking with a purpose. He knows exactly where he's going. He's confident. So either he's not lost, or he's a really good actor.

Jerry:You know what I hate? When you're on a plane and the pilot comes on the intercom like he's not sure what he's doing. 'Well, uh, folks, we're gonna try to land now. Hopefully it goes okay.'

George:So I'm in this Chinese prison, right? And the warden, he's this guy, General Tso. And I'm thinking, 'General Tso? That's a dish!' So I say to him, 'Hey, aren't you a appetizer?'

George:He was a military man, okay? General Chang. He conquered China, he was very powerful, very respected.

George:But you know what? He's also a very good cook. I mean, his chicken is unbelievable.

George:So here's a guy, he's got the whole world, right? He's got armies, he's got power, he's got respect. But he's not happy.

George:So he opens a restaurant. And now he's happy. The military thing, that's behind him now. It's all about the chicken.

George:Look at this guy! He's parked in two spaces! Two spaces! Who does that?

George:I'm gonna leave a note. A strongly worded note.

George:Actually, you know what? I'm gonna spit on his car.

George:These Germans, they know how to make a car. It's like they take pride in their work or something.

Jerry:So what are we gonna tell them?

George:We'll tell them the truth. We were arrested.

Jerry:The truth? George, we can't tell them the truth.

George:Why not?

Jerry:Because it makes us look bad.

George:So what do you want to do, make something up?

Jerry:Well, you're good at that.

George:I know. I'll tell them I have Osteoporosis.

Kramer:My fish are dying! I need help!

Jerry:Kramer, it's just fish.

Kramer:Just fish? JUST FISH? These are living creatures, Jerry! We should be doing everything we can to save them. We should donate organs, give blood, whatever it takes!

Jerry:Kramer... you want to donate human organs to save fish?

Kramer:Absolutely! What's more important - a fish's life or some guy's kidney?

Elaine:Oh wow, your workout routine is really paying off. I can see the results — you've really bulked up that donut collection. And those biceps? They're huge from lifting that chair all day. I'm sure all those sit-ups you do while sitting down are really working wonders.

Elaine:You want a piece of me? I've got a gun!

George:Would you mind helping me with something?

Michele:Of course! I'd be happy to help.

George:Really? Just like that?

Michele:Sure, why not?

George:Wow. This never happens to me.

Michèle:People are urinating in the garage!

George:I know, it's disgusting.

George:What? What did I say?

Michele:You know what you said about Scientology.

George:I didn't say anything about Scientology!

Michele:Yes, you did. You called it a cult.

George:Well, isn't it?

Jerry:What's the deal with Scientologists? You say one little thing and they act like you just insulted their mother.

Elaine:I know! I just asked her if she believed in it, and she practically threw me out the window.

Jerry:Yeah, they're very sensitive about the whole thing. It's like a cult, but with better PR.

Kramer:You know, I've been looking all over the city for a decent air conditioner.

George:Did you check Purple 23?

Kramer:Purple 23? What's Purple 23?

George:Exactly.

Kramer:You know, Jerry, you gotta keep track of these things. You can't just put an air conditioner somewhere and forget about it. You gotta remember where you put it.

Jerry:Yeah, no kidding.

Kramer:I mean, it's not like it's gonna walk away on its own.

Jerry:You know what parking garages are? They're like hotels for cars. Except the cars don't enjoy it. And there's no room service. Actually, it's nothing like a hotel. But they try so hard to make each level different. 'This level is blue!' 'This level is yellow!' Like the car is going to care. Like your car is going to pull in and go, 'Oh, yellow level, how delightful! I'll just park here and relax.' No. Your car doesn't care. Your car just wants out.

Jerry:You know what would solve the parking garage problem? Just name the levels after really offensive things. Like, nobody's forgetting where they parked. 'Oh, I'm in the Holocaust section.' 'I'm over in the child abuse level.' You'd remember that. You'd come out of the store, 'Where'd I park?' 'The genocide level!' 'Oh right!'