The Dinner Party

Jerry:You know what I think? I think the moon landing was a mistake. Because now people complain about everything by comparing it to the moon landing. 'Why can't you fix the potholes?' 'Well, we went to the moon!' 'Yeah, but I'm trying to get to work!' It's like we set the bar too high. We should've just landed on New Jersey or something.

Jerry:If we lowered our expectations, everything would make sense. Like, if NASA said 'We're gonna send a guy to the moon, but he's probably not coming back,' suddenly the whole thing is reasonable.

Jerry:You know that line, 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind'? I think that's what created the problem. Because now every generation thinks they have to do something that big. And when they can't, they just complain about everything.

George:You know, I'm thinking we need a new word for when someone ruins your New Year's celebration. I'm gonna call it being 'Happy New Year'd.'

George:Like, 'I got Happy New Year'd at the party last night.' It's a verb now.

George:And if it happens in January, you're 'Happy January'd.' February? 'Happy February'd.' By March, you're just completely 'Happy March'd.'

Jerry:It's cold out there today, isn't it?

Kramer:Cold? It's not cold.

Jerry:What do you mean it's not cold? It's freezing!

Kramer:You call this cold? This is nothing. Now, if we were in Alaska...

Jerry:Kramer, it's scary cold out there.

Kramer:Scary cold? What's scary cold?

Jerry:Scary cold is when it's so cold, you're actually scared to go outside.

Jerry:That.

George:That.

Kramer:It's cashmere!

Jerry:You like saying that.

Kramer:Cashmere!

Jerry:Look at this thing. You can barely move in it.

Kramer:What are you talking about? It's fine.

Jerry:Fine? You look like a bear in a winter coat.

Kramer:I can move.

Jerry:Okay, touch your toes.

Kramer:I don't have to touch my toes.

Jerry:Just try.

George:Wait, wait, wait. You're telling me I have to bring something? To a dinner party? What am I, a peasant?

Jerry:Yeah, George, you bring wine or dessert or something.

George:But I'm already giving them the pleasure of my company. Isn't that enough?

Jerry:You know, there's an unwritten rule about dinner parties. You show up, you eat, you leave. That's it. You don't rearrange the living room furniture or start critiquing the roast. George once moved a chair and the host didn't speak to him for three months.

George:Why can't I just bring what I actually drink?

Jerry:Because you're an adult. Adults bring wine.

George:Wine? Why would you serve wine at a dinner party? Pepsi is a far superior beverage. It's crisp, it's refreshing, and it pairs with everything. Wine is pretentious. Pepsi is honest.

Jerry:You're gonna bring Pepsi to a Wimbledon match? What are you gonna do, walk up to the players and say, 'Hey, you look thirsty'?

George:I hate dinner parties. They're a chore. You have to sit there, make conversation, pretend to enjoy the food...

Jerry:George, nobody's forcing you to go to dinner parties.

George:It's an obligation. It's what adults do.

Jerry:So don't go. Problem solved.

George:I can't just not go! What would people think?

Jerry:That you didn't want to go to a dinner party?

Jerry:George, you're driving.

George:Why do I have to drive?

Jerry:Because I'm tired.

George:Fine, fine. But we're taking my car.

Kramer:Hey, can you guys give me a ride? I got this new coat.

George:Yeah, sure, get in.

George:What is this? This coat won't fit in my car!

Kramer:What do you mean it won't fit? It's just a coat.

George:Just a coat? This thing is huge! It's taking up my entire trunk!

George:What are you, the Bubble Boy?

Kramer:That's right, I'm toasty.

Elaine:One bottle? That's not enough!

Jerry:You're right, we should bring a couch too. Maybe a coffee table. Really make it comfortable for the wine.

Jerry:So I'm thinking about getting a new couch, right? And the guy at the furniture store says, 'We can deliver it for you.' I say, 'Great, how much?' He goes, 'Fifty dollars.' Fifty dollars! To carry a couch up two flights of stairs.

Jerry:So I say to him, 'What if I need it delivered to the fifth floor?' He says, 'That'll be a hundred dollars.' A hundred dollars! At that point, why don't I just rent a truck? I'll rent a truck, drive it up the stairwell myself, back it right into my apartment.

Jerry:Who needs the couch anyway? I'll just sit in the truck. I'll be the only guy in New York with parking in his living room.

George:I'll bring the creme brulee.

George:What do you mean 'what about Ring Dings'? Ring Dings are a legitimate snack! They've got chocolate on the outside, cream on the inside—it's a beautiful thing. You people don't appreciate fine snacking.

Jerry:So let me get this straight - you want me to wear a puffy shirt while eating pastrami on rye in bed?

Kramer:Your car, the lights are on.

Jerry:I know.

Kramer:You know?

Jerry:I like to keep my car ready at all times.

George:What do you mean it's a terrible gift? I got him a bowling shirt with someone else's name on it. That's a classic gag gift.

George:You know what's going to happen? He's going to wear it to a party, someone's going to say 'Hey, who's Sal?' and everyone's going to laugh. I'll be the hero of that party.

George:They'll probably ask me how I came up with it. I'll say it just came to me. Very casual. They'll think I'm a genius.

George:Wine? It's all a con. You know what wine is? It's grape juice that went bad. And they convinced people to pay money for it. 'Oh, this has a nice bouquet.' It's rotten fruit! The French figured out how to make garbage expensive, and Americans said, 'We'll take it!'

Jerry:Look to the cookie, Elaine. Look to the cookie.

Jerry:Look at this cookie. It's got chocolate chips and it's got raisins. It's a cookie of two worlds. It's a racial harmony cookie.

Jerry:You know, I think we've really accomplished something here. This cookie represents unity, understanding, bringing people together.

Jerry:We should treat it with reverent seriousness. This is no ordinary cookie.

Elaine:You need help. Real help. Not the kind you get from a cookie.

Elaine:You're going senile.

Jerry:I'm already there. I drove to the coffee shop this morning and forgot why I went.

Jerry:You have to carry the cake. I can't carry the cake.

Elaine:Why not?

Jerry:Because if I carry the cake, people will think I'm the kind of guy who carries cakes.

Jerry:You know, I'm concerned about the structural integrity of this cake box. What if I'm not holding it right?

Elaine:You're not.

Jerry:You know what? I'm gonna say something. Excuse me, we were here first. We didn't take a number, but we were here first.

Elaine:Jerry, don't.

Jerry:What? They're not gonna do anything. What are they gonna do, throw us out of the bakery?

Jerry:You know what I hate? The number system. It's completely arbitrary. We decided zero through nine, and then we just keep repeating them. Why? Why do we need a ten? Why not just stop at nine? 'That's it, we're done. Nine is the highest. If you have ten of something, you're out of luck.'

Jerry:And then there's this whole thing with who got there first. Kramer showed up at 3 o'clock. George said he was there at 2:45, but I was there at 2:30. Newman claims he was there at 2:15. And Elaine swears she was there at 2:00. So that means Elaine got there first, then Newman, then me, then George, then Kramer. But here's the thing - nobody remembers it that way. We all remember ourselves getting there first.

Jerry:You can't just double-park here. There's a sign that says no parking.

Kramer:Oh, that sign's been there for years. Nobody pays attention to it anymore.

Jerry:Kramer, they will tow your car.

Kramer:Not if you know the right people. Besides, I've parked here a hundred times. It's like my spot now.

George:So what, we just split up? You go shopping, I wait here?

Kramer:Yeah, why not? I'll go get the stuff.

George:You? You're gonna go shopping? Kramer, you can't even remember what you came in here for.

Kramer:I can handle it. Look, I got my coat. I'm dressed for shopping.

George:Your coat? What does your coat have to do with shopping?

Kramer:Pockets, George. Pockets.

Kramer:I'll leave the heat on for you.

George:The heat doesn't work.

Jerry:What do you mean I'm not in line? I've been standing here the whole time!

Barbara:No you haven't. You were over by the window.

Jerry:Oh, so now we're making up bakery lies? Next you'll tell me the croissants aren't fresh.

Elaine:Wait a minute... I know you from somewhere!

Barbara:You do?

Elaine:The baby shower! You're the woman who ate all the shrimp!

Jerry:So... this is awkward.

Elaine:Yeah.

Jerry:We should probably talk about this.

Elaine:Or we could just pretend it never happened.

Jerry:That's usually what we do anyway.

Barbara:I'm going to tell everyone at the party what a jerk you are.

Jerry:Well, I'm going to get there first and tell them I'm sorry.

Baker:Number 847!

Barbara:That's me!

Baker:I'm sorry, this is the last chocolate babka. It's been sitting here since yesterday. You want it?

Barbara:No.

George:So what do you know about wine?

Kramer:Well, I know a lot about wine. I know about the bouquet, the finish...

George:You know about wine?

Kramer:Oh yeah, I'm very into wine now.

George:Wait, wait, wait. If the wine costs twelve dollars, I have to spend twelve dollars on a gift. It's a rule.

George:You can't spend less than the gift you received. That's cheap. You can't spend more, that's showing off.

George:Twelve dollars. That's the number. Twelve.

George:I don't have my wallet. I left it at home. My back went out, so I couldn't bend down to get it.

Kramer:A fake lump? What's the difference?

George:Kramer, how do you live? You don't have a job, you don't have money...

Kramer:I get by.

George:You get by? How?

Kramer:You know, I do a little of this, a little of that. I mooch off of people. I find things...

Jerry:The babka! She took the babka!

Elaine:I can't believe she took it. That was our babka.

Jerry:Our babka. We were supposed to have that babka.

Elaine:The chocolate babka. Do you know how long it took to get that babka?

Jerry:Days. It took days.

Elaine:And now it's gone. Gone with Barbara.

Jerry:This is a travesty. A babka travesty.

Elaine:What about carrot cake? That's a dessert.

Jerry:Carrot cake is not a real dessert. It's a carrot with a cake problem. It's a vegetable with an identity crisis.

Elaine:What about Black Forest cake?

Jerry:Black Forest cake? That sounds terrifying. I'm picturing a dark, mysterious forest with cake hidden somewhere in it. You'd need a machete and a guide just to find dessert.

Elaine:Look at this cake. It's called a Napoleon.

Jerry:A Napoleon? That's inappropriate.

Elaine:What are you talking about?

Jerry:We can't eat a cake named after Napoleon. He was a dictator who conquered Europe.

Elaine:It's just a pastry, Jerry.

Jerry:Is it? Or are we endorsing imperialism? Next thing you know, we'll be eating a Hitler Torte.

Jerry:I lost the chocolate babka!

Kramer:There's a cinnamon babka in the cabinet.

Jerry:I don't want cinnamon babka. I want chocolate babka!

Kramer:It's a very good babka.

Jerry:I'm sure it is, but it's not the babka I want!

Jerry:I got the cinnamon, she got the chocolate. But I got a problem. I got the babka.

Elaine:What's the problem?

Jerry:I got the cinnamon babka. Elaine got the chocolate babka. It's the lesser babka. I didn't want the cinnamon babka!

Elaine:Why is cinnamon lesser?

Jerry:Because it's not chocolate!

Elaine:Lesser? The cinnamon babka is not lesser! It's a beautiful, delicious babka!

Jerry:It's the lesser babka.

Elaine:How can you even say that? Cinnamon is a classic flavor. It's sophisticated, it's warm, it's everything a babka should be.

Elaine:It's the cinnamon! It's not on the menu! That's what makes it so special. If it was on the menu, it wouldn't be special. It would just be another babka.

Elaine:Cinnamon should be everywhere. It should be at every restaurant. You go to a nice place, they have cinnamon babka. You go to a casual place, they have cinnamon babka. It's the most important spice!

Jerry:Peace.

George:Jerry, I need change for a hundred dollar bill.

Jerry:A hundred dollars? George, you can't just walk around with that. What if someone sees it? What if they think we have money?

George:We do have money.

Jerry:Exactly! That's the whole point. We can't let people know that. Do you know what happens when people find out you have money?

George:I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm lovin' every minute of it!

Jerry:Yeah, well the bad thing is, once word gets out that you're making these kind of public pronouncements, every insane person in the city is gonna know where to find you.

George:I need to get change for a dollar.

Clerk:You have to make a purchase.

George:What? There's a minimum?

Clerk:Five dollars.

George:Five dollars? For change? What is this, a bank or a store?

Jerry:Why don't you just bring some porn to the dinner party?

George:What?!

Jerry:You need to buy more items for change, right? Bring porn. Everyone likes porn.

George:You don't actually believe those letters are real, do you?

Jerry:What do you mean? Of course they're real.

George:Jerry, nobody's doing these things. These are fantasies.

Jerry:Well, yeah, some of them. But I read this thing about a guy with no legs, and he was doing it with a woman. I mean, that takes guts.

Kramer:I just got this coat!

Store patron:Well, maybe you should take it back.

Kramer:I can't take it back, I don't have the receipt.

Jerry:You're gonna lose a button.

Kramer:I know.

Jerry:Then you're gonna go crazy looking for it. You're gonna tear the apartment apart. It's gonna consume your life. You're not gonna be able to eat, you're not gonna be able to sleep.

Kramer:Jerry, it's a button!

Jerry:That's what you think now.

Jerry:You know, I have a very specific technique for eating these cookies. First, you gotta examine it. Look at the construction. Then you break it in half — very carefully, so you don't lose any of the chocolate chips. Then you eat one half, and you save the other half for later. That way, you're getting two cookie experiences out of one cookie.

Jerry:And the fortune? You gotta read it out loud. It's not a real fortune unless you read it out loud. That's the whole thing about the fortune cookie — it's a performance.

Jerry:The thing about eating the black-and-white cookie, Elaine, is you want to get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate. And yet still, still, after thousands of years of history, we still can't get along.

Jerry:You know what would end racism? Cookies. If we could just get everybody together with some cookies, we could work this whole thing out.

Elaine:Yeah, that's it Jerry. Cookies. That's what's been holding back world peace all these years. Not diplomacy, not education, not understanding between cultures. Cookies.

Elaine:Oh, so the cookie has all the answers now?

Jerry:I'm not saying it has all the answers. I'm just saying it's never steered me wrong.

Jerry:There's a hair in my cake.

Baker:A hair? Let me see that.

Baker:That's not a hair, that's a whisker.

Jerry:A whisker? What's the difference?

Baker:A whisker is thicker. That's definitely a whisker.

Jerry:Okay, there's a whisker in my cake.

Baker:Take another cake. No charge.

Jerry:What if there's a whisker in this one too?

Baker:Then you take a third cake.

Jerry:But what if all your cakes have whiskers in them?

Baker:Then you'd be up to cake number three.

Elaine:The hair was small.

Jerry:Small?! There is no small when it comes to hair in the shower. Any hair is a horror. But YOUR hair? That's a nightmare.

Jerry:Your hair was in the cake!

Elaine:My hair is clean!

Jerry:I use this shampoo that's basically just alcohol. It strips everything away. My hair is like a shot glass at the end of the night.

Jerry:You know what the difference is between me and you? I'm sitting here with a glass of wine.

Jerry:You know what that means? I'm sophisticated. I'm cultured. I'm a man of the world.

Jerry:Without this wine, I'm just a guy in a room. With this wine, I'm someone. I'm somebody.

Jerry:And without it? I'm invisible. Women won't talk to me. Men won't respect me. I'll be alone. Forever.

George:Can you believe this? We're blocked in.

Kramer:No note, nothing. No apology, no explanation.

George:Who does that? Who parks like that without leaving a note?

Kramer:An inconsiderate driver, that's who.

George:I don't understand how people can just double-park like that. What goes through their head?

Kramer:Yeah, I know. I mean, what are they thinking?

George:It's not that complicated. You find a spot, you park in it.

Kramer:Exactly. I mean, I don't even understand it.

George:You know what the problem with double-parking is? It's stupid. It's the stupidest thing anyone can do.

Kramer:What are you talking about? I double-park all the time.

George:Exactly. You know, they spent billions of dollars to put a man on the moon. Billions. And you can't find a parking spot.

Kramer:So what's your point?

George:My point is, if we can go to the moon, we can solve the parking problem. But instead, you're out here double-parking like some kind of caveman.

George:So what you're saying is, a rocket builder can double park, but I can't?

George:You know, the key to a good life is parking. People don't realize this. A good spot, you're happy all day. A bad spot, your whole day is ruined.

George:So I'm thinking about this guy who double-parks. What's his psychology? He's saying, 'I'm more important than everyone else. My time is more valuable.'

George:So if that's allowed, why can't I do it? And if I can do it, why can't everyone? And if everyone does it, then somebody's gotta step in and stop it. That's a dictator.

George:A dictatorship starts with double-parking.

George:You know, dictators are just like anybody else. They need a place to park.

George:Hitler had a spot. Mussolini, he had a spot. Stalin, reserved right out front.

George:But do you think they ever had to circle? No! Nobody circles under a dictator.

George:You know, we're living in a society! We're supposed to act in a CERTAIN way! You see, if you break the rules, then you accept the consequences!

George:So if you double-park, you should get the death penalty! That's what I think!

George:If everyone would just follow the rules, we wouldn't have any problems. But if you're not gonna follow the rules, then we're back to the stone age. It's anarchy!

George:And another thing about the government — they don't care about the little guy!

Kramer:You know what I'm concerned about? These shoes. My feet are killing me.

George:Kramer, I'm talking about the collapse of democracy!

Kramer:Democracy, schmocracy. Have you felt this leather? It's like cardboard.

Jerry:I can't talk about it.

Elaine:What happened?

Jerry:I said I can't talk about it.

Elaine:Come on, Jerry. What is it?

Jerry:It was a very dark time in my life. I don't like to get into it.

Jerry:My mother used to make me farina when I was sick.

Elaine:Farina? What is that?

Jerry:It's like paste. Wallpaper paste. She'd put it in a bowl with a little butter and brown sugar, and I'd eat it.

Elaine:That's disgusting.

Jerry:I know! And now every time I eat it, I feel like I'm five years old and I'm sick.

Jerry:What is this? What is this in my hair?

Jerry:Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!

Jerry:It's farina! It's farina in my hair!

Elaine:Wait, whose hair was it?

Jerry:My mother's.

Elaine:Your mother's?! Jerry, that's... that's a personal betrayal!

Jerry:I got a new cake. It's got hair in it.

Jerry:But here's the thing - I don't know if the hair came with the cake, or if the cake came with the hair.

Jerry:It's like a chicken and egg situation, except it's disgusting and inedible.

Jerry:So now we're trading in bodily fluids? What's the exchange rate? One cough equals how many sneezes? Is phlegm up or down today?

Jerry:You know what I realized? I'm more afraid of Elaine angry than I am of anything else in the world.

Elaine:What are you talking about?

Jerry:I'm serious. Nuclear war, I can handle. A bee in the apartment, manageable. But you? When you're mad at me? That's terror.

Elaine:Oh please.

Jerry:I once saw you angry at a Panama hat. You literally tried to pull it through the top of itself.

Elaine:That hat was defective!

Jerry:The hat didn't stand a chance against you. And I'm supposed to feel safe?

George:Excuse me, is this your car? You can't park like this, you're double-parked!

Street Person:It's not my car, puffball.

Kramer:Hey, hey, hey! Did you just call me puffball?

Elaine:You know what? I'm going to kill you. I'm going to suffocate you with a hood.

Elaine:A big plastic hood, like the kind they put over cars at the car wash. I'm going to pull it right over your head and watch you suffocate slowly.

Jerry:I had a black-and-white cookie the other day. It was so good! I thought, 'This is what this country needs. It's a symbol of racial harmony.' Then my stomach started hurting. I thought, 'Maybe they're not meant to coexist.'

Jerry:So the cookie's wrong. The cookie said 'help promote racial harmony,' and look what happened. We're worse off than before. I'm sitting here eating a cookie that lied to me. What kind of world are we living in where cookies can't be trusted? I mean, if I can't believe a cookie, what can I believe? The cookie's supposed to be innocent. The cookie's supposed to be pure. But no, this cookie came with an agenda, and now I'm an accomplice to cookie deception.

Jerry:I have a strict vomit-free record. I haven't thrown up since 1984. I'm very proud of that. But now I'm starting to feel a little queasy. I don't want to break my streak.

Jerry:I'm nauseous. If I throw up, I lose the whole thing. I haven't thrown up since the summer of 1989. That's... that's over twenty years.

Jerry:Do you know what that means? That means I'm a vomit champion. I'm the Muhammad Ali of not vomiting.

Jerry:And now it's all gonna be gone. Twenty years. Gone. Just like that.

George:You know what we should do? We should get a chicken, and we should see how long we can look at it before we have to look away. That's a test of your personality.

Kramer:What are you talking about?

George:Well, if you can look at a chicken for more than three seconds without looking away, you're a human being. If you can't, you're an animal.

Kramer:Look, all chickens are the same. They walk around, they peck, they cluck. That's it. That's the whole chicken experience.

George:Wait a minute. If the chicken had a personality, wouldn't that make it wrong to eat it?

George:I mean, you're eating a personality!

George:I'm very ill. I have a very serious illness.

Kramer:Yeah, you look terrible.

George:I can barely stand. I don't know if I can make it home.

Kramer:You should sit down.

George:It's Saddam Hussein!

Kramer:What?

George:It's Saddam Hussein! He's double-parked outside!

Jerry:You're double-parked out there.

Saddam:I know, I know. But listen, it's cold out there. I don't want you catching a cold.

Jerry:You're worried about me catching a cold? You're double-parked!

Store Clerk:Can I help you find anything else?

Customer:No, I think that's it.

Store Clerk:Well, we just got in a new shipment of self-help books. Might want to take a look.

Jerry:You know, I read that we lose 40% of our body heat through our head. That's why you need a hat in the winter. But here's what I don't understand: what about the other 60%? Where is that heat going? Out my pants?

Jerry:So I read that you lose 75% of your body heat through your head. So I'm thinking, if I just keep my head in the freezer, I could save a fortune on heating bills!

Jerry:What is that hat? What message are you sending with that hat? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I'm not even gonna try anymore. I'm just gonna go out like this.'

Jerry:I'm telling you, this hat is the ultimate antisocial statement. You put this hat on, you're saying 'I'm not interested in society anymore.'

George:That's ridiculous.

Jerry:No, it's true! You see someone wearing this hat, you know they've given up. They've checked out.

Kramer:I'd wear that hat.

Jerry:Exactly! And if you ever went to court, they'd use that hat as evidence of insanity. The judge would say, 'Your honor, look at this hat. This man is clearly unstable.'

George:No jury would convict you if you wore that hat to trial.