The Highlights Of 100 (1)

Jerry:We've been on the air for 100 episodes. You know what I've learned? Life is a series of escalations. It starts with a button falling off your shirt. Then you can't get a reservation at a restaurant. Then your girlfriend leaves you. Then you're involved in a minor car accident. Then you're deported. Then you die.

Jerry:They persevered because they're people.

Jerry:The qualification 'Real TV people' - acknowledging they're fictional.

Jerry:It's popular because people like saying the word, not because it tastes good.

Jerry:You know what's interesting about salsa? Everybody says 'salsa' the same way. 'Salsa, salsa, salsa.' But for a Spanish person, they hear 'seltzer.' So they're thinking you're offering them carbonated water.

Jerry:It's a show about nothing. I mean, if something comes up we talk about it, but it's about nothing.

George:I'm out.

Jerry:I'm not hard of smelling.

George:What? What's the big deal? She came in to clean, I was sitting there, we talked, one thing led to another...

George:I don't see what the problem is.

Elaine:A dingo ate your baby!

Kramer:So there I am on the bus, right? The driver has a heart attack, slumps over the wheel. Chaos! People screaming. So I jump up, I take the wheel, I'm driving this bus!

Jerry:You drove the bus?

Kramer:I drove the bus! Got everyone to the hospital safely. But you know what? I still made all the stops. Even pulled the cord when people wanted to get off.

Jerry:You made the stops? The driver's having a heart attack and you're worried about the route?

Kramer:It's protocol, Jerry! You don't just abandon protocol because of a little medical emergency.

Jerry:You know what takes forever? Buying a bra. A woman goes into a store, tries on bra after bra after bra. It's like they're looking for the Holy Grail of bras.

Jerry:But here's the thing - I know bra sizes. I know them all. A, B, C, D... I'm like a bra sommelier. You tell me the size, I can tell you the woman.

Frank Costanza:What are you doing?!

George Costanza:I'm treating my body like an amusement park.

Frank Costanza:You're gonna have a stroke, George!

Newman:You see, we're not just delivering mail. We're dealing with constant rejection. People don't want what we're bringing them. Bills, ads, more bills. And then there's the weight of it all, literally on your back, day after day.

Newman:Rain, sleet, snow, hail — we go out in all of it. The public doesn't realize the conditions we work in. Your feet are soaked, your hands are frozen, and nobody appreciates it.

Newman:And the dogs! Don't get me started on the dogs. Every house has one that wants to tear your leg off.

Newman:Then you've got the difficult customers. 'Where's my package?' 'This letter's bent!' 'Why didn't you leave it in the back?' Nothing is ever right.

Newman:And just when you think you can't take it anymore... Publishers Clearing House shows up. With the balloons and the check and the camera crew. And you know what? It's never for you.

George:It's not a lie if you believe it.

Jerry:But I have one condition.

Elaine:What?

Jerry:I won't talk.

Elaine:You won't talk?

Jerry:No talking. We'll just sit there and enjoy our cappuccinos in silence.

Jerry:You like it?

Jack:Like it? It's beautiful. Too beautiful. I can't accept this.

Jerry:No, no, you have to take it.

Jack:I can't. It's too much.

Jerry:Jack, please, I want you to have it.

Jack:No, Jerry, really...

Jerry:Take the pen!

Jack:You're sure?

Jerry:I'm positive.

Jack:Well... okay. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Jerry:You're welcome.

Jack:This is really something.

Jerry:I'm not a pirate!

Jerry:I said, 'Do you have any available cars?' He says, 'No, but we can put you down for one.' I said, 'You can put me down for one? What good does that do me? I need to drive around, I can't just stand in the lot eating candy.'

Jerry:I said, 'If you don't have the car available when I need it, what am I doing here? You know what a reservation is? It's a reason for me to show up. But you don't have the car, so you didn't give me a reservation, you gave me a phone number and a false sense of hope!'

NBC Executive:Why would anyone want to watch a show about nothing?

Jerry:It's not about nothing. It's about something.

Elaine:So I'm trying to make George sound attractive, and I tell this woman, 'He can lift 100 pounds!'

Jerry:100 pounds? That's impressive.

Elaine:Yeah, well, that's my idea of impressive strength.

Woman:I don't care if he's bald. As long as he has a nice car, nice clothes, and makes good money.

Jerry:So your hand got stuck in her hair?

Elaine:Yeah, I was trying to help her with a knot and my fingers just...

Jerry:Got tangled up in there.

Elaine:It was awkward. I'm pulling, she's pulling, we're both just yanking away.

Jerry:That's what she said.

Other Character:It's not you, it's me.

George:No, no, no. That's MY line. I came up with that. You can't use my line!

Elaine:Oh, that's great, George. You rounded second base. You know what that means? That means you're still stuck on third.

Jerry:Is it... Mulva?

Lois Lane / Teri Hatcher's character:They're real, and they're spectacular.

Jerry:So we need to establish some ground rules here.

Elaine:Agreed. This has to be completely separate from our friendship.

Jerry:Right. No feelings, no complications. This is purely physical.

Elaine:Exactly. We're like two consenting adults entering into a business transaction.

Jerry:I think we should draw up a contract.

Elaine:With clauses?

Jerry:Extensive clauses. This is serious stuff.

George:Jerry, you gotta tell me. I got nothing. I got no job, I got no girlfriend, I don't even have an apartment anymore. The least you can do is tell me how it was!

Jerry:So you're going to make pizza in your apartment?

Kramer:Yeah, why not? I got a great oven.

Jerry:Kramer, you can't just make pizza in your apartment. What about the health department? What about fire codes?

Kramer:Jerry, I got it all figured out.

Jerry:The only thing you got figured out is how to get us all killed.

Elaine:You know, War and Peace was originally titled 'Give Peace a Chance.'

George:I'm an architect, you know. I design buildings. Big buildings. I'm working on this museum addition right now.

George:It's no big deal. I mean, how hard can it be? You just... you throw some walls up, add some windows, maybe a skylight if you're feeling fancy.

George:The museum director, nice guy, he keeps asking me about load-bearing walls and structural integrity. I tell him, 'Don't worry about it. It'll be fine.'

Jerry:I'm the architect of Vandelay Industries.

Jerry:You know what day it is? It feels like a Thursday.

Kramer:Thursday? What are you talking about? This is definitely a Tuesday.

Jerry:A Tuesday? How can you tell?

Kramer:I can feel it in the air. Tuesdays have a certain energy to them.

Jerry:So now days have personalities? What about Wednesday?

Kramer:Wednesday is the worst day. It's right in the middle—too far from the weekend, too far from Monday.

Jerry:That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

George:Did you just double-dip that chip?

Timmy:So?

George:So? So! That's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip!

Timmy:You dip the way you want to dip. I'll dip the way I want to dip.

George:When you double-dip you're putting your bacteria back in the dip!

Kramer:Double-dipping? What's wrong with you? You take one dip and you eat the chip. You don't go back for a second dip.

Jerry:I'm not a spit man. I don't spit. But if I did spit, it would have to travel at least thirty feet to hit someone in the upper deck. And the trajectory... the angle is all wrong. It's like the magic bullet theory from the Kennedy assassination.

Jerry:We're not a couple!

George:Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Jerry:No, of course not.

George:People's lifestyles, their choices...

Jerry:It's all good.

Elaine:I'm an actress! I know how to fake it!

George:I'll have the tuna salad sandwich.

Elaine:You always order the tuna salad sandwich. Why don't you try something different?

George:You're right. I'll have the opposite. Chicken salad sandwich.

Elaine:That's good. At least the tuna got to live its life.

George:Hi, I'm George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

Woman:...

George:But I'm honest, and I'm working on the confidence thing.

George:It shrinks?

Jerry:Like a frightened turtle!

George:I don't know how you guys walk around like that.

Jerry:It's the coldness!

George:And when you go into the water, it just... disappears?

Jerry:It goes up inside. It's like laundry.

Elaine:It shrinks? Like a frightened turtle!

George:So there I am, out in the ocean, the whale is thrashing around, water everywhere. And I'm thinking about my life, you know? All the mistakes, all the wrong turns. And then I look at this whale, this magnificent creature, and I realize... we're not so different. We're both just trying to get by. We're both just trying to find our way in this crazy world.

George:But then the whale's tail comes up and almost knocks me into a boat full of potato salad.

George:Oh my God! There's something in here!

George:It's a golf ball!

Jerry:A golf ball? What's a golf ball doing in a whale's blowhole?

Kramer:Maybe he swallowed it.

Jerry:A whale swallowing a golf ball... That's like me swallowing a basketball.