The Cafe

There's always one location in your neighbourhood, one store that's constantly changing hands... It's like some sort of Bermuda Triangle of retail.

Eventually, when aliens land... all these store owners will wander out in a daze, going, 'I thought there was gonna be more walk-in traffic.'

Women don't want nice.

What kind of a sick society are we living in when nice is bad?

His family's probably back in Pakistan waiting for him to send back money. This is horrible.

I've never been a guinea pig. Been a sheep, been a toady...

I can't talk to you anymore.

I've been lying about my SAT scores for 15 years.

What did I get, or what do I say I got?

Well, this I take to the grave.

It's like a spider in the toilet, struggling for survival. And even though you know he's not gonna make it... you root for him for a second. Then you flush.

Well, it's a spider.

Bazooka Joe.

You gotta be on the lease to press the buzzer.

Casus belli... It's Latin. I read it in some book. I just wanted to say it out loud.

I could probably shoot him from here. I'd be doing us both a favour.

Why is what I do so important? Why must I always be the focal point of attention? Let me just be. Let me live.

Why must you always be the focal point of attention? Why can't you just be? Why can't you live?

Mine's 145.

Get out of here. / You get out of here. / You get out of here.

Hey, I love a good caper.

Yeah, that's what it is, isn't it? A caper.

How did you hear about us? / People. People are talking.

A steaming hot, folded face cloth for your pleasure.

Our specials are tacos... moussaka and franks and beans.

Nobody thinks about people the way I do. Snap out of it, you stupid jerk. You're eating a turkey sandwich. You want a Nobel Prize?

This is the best tool we have today of measuring a person's intelligence.

Eat something! Babu.

Statute. / What? / Statute of limitations. It's not a statue. / No, it's statue. / Fine. It's a sculpture of limitations.

Would you please?! / Is it for a job or something? / Later! / You're positive it's statute? / Yes! Yes!

Oh, my God! It's all over the test! I'm out of time, anyway.

It's all right. She was cheating anyway.

I close down today. And when I open again, it will be a Pakistani restaurant. Thank you. Thank you so much. You're a very special person.

I am such a great guy. Who else would've gone to the trouble to help this immigrant? I am special. My mother was right. Of course, I've never had Pakistani food. How bad could it be?

I had a sandwich in my pocket.

Why would I go out the door? The window's right here.

Eighty-five! 85 IQ.

Well, I'm no genius... but according to my calculations, he should be here in a few seconds.

Well, maybe the test was gender-biased. You know, a lot of questions on hunting and testicles.

It was the same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.

The IQ tests always have that sample question at the beginning where they show you how to fill in the circle. This should be the first elimination point right there. Anybody goes outside that circle: 'You wanna come with us, please? Yeah, you're done.'

Babu... you know, I've gotta tell you, I never do this, but the shrimp... it's just a little stringy. You have any chicken?

You make me change restaurant, but nobody come! You say make Pakistani. Babu Bhatt have only Pakistani restaurant. But where are people? You see people? Show me people! There are no people!

You bad man! You very, very bad man.

Bad man? Could my mother have been wrong?

One fifty-one.

It's tough to do a good deed. Let's look at your professional good-deed doers: Your Lone Rangers, your Supermen... your Batmen, your Spider-Men, your Elastic Men. They're all wearing disguises. Masks over their faces, secret identities. Don't want people to know who they are. Too much aggravation.

'Superman, thanks for saving my life... but did you have to come through my wall? I'm renting here. They got a security deposit. What am I supposed to do?'