The Nose Job

Jerry:Why do they keep the condoms behind the counter at the pharmacy? What are they afraid of? That I'm gonna put them in my mouth and swallow them like Chiclets? 'Oh, these are good, I'll take a case!' They're not candy. And if I wanted to steal them, I could just throw them in my jacket. But no, they treat them like they're uranium. 'Sir, step away from the prophylactics.' It's the only product in the store that requires a security clearance to purchase. Meanwhile, they've got razor blades right out in the open aisle. 'Here, take these sharp metal objects, no questions asked.' But condoms? 'I'm gonna need to see some ID and possibly a note from your mother.'

Jerry:You know what? Pharmacists want to be called 'Doctor' now. Doctor! A pharmacist is not a doctor. A doctor saves lives. A pharmacist... counts pills. 'Here's your Lipitor, that'll be fifteen dollars.' That's not medicine, that's a cash register with a white coat.

Jerry:I mean, if we're giving out titles based on what you do, I should be called 'Doctor Comedian.' 'Hey, it's Doctor Jerry, he's here to make you laugh for an hour.' No! That's not how it works.

Jerry:A real doctor, they go to medical school for eight years, they're on their feet for twelve-hour shifts, they're dealing with actual emergencies. A pharmacist? They're behind glass, they've got a computer, they're reading a label that's already written. 'Yep, that says take two tablets.' Congratulations, you can read.

Jerry:I'm six-foot-three! I tower over the common man! I'm a giant among your people! Bow before my pharmaceutical expertise!

Jerry:You know, being a writer is hard work. It's not easy sitting at a desk all day, staring at a blank page, trying to come up with something funny.

Jerry:But I'll tell you what the real job is — it's just typing. That's it. Type fast enough, you're a writer.

Jerry:I went to the pharmacy today. The pharmacist is behind the counter, way up high on this platform. I'm down here looking up at him like he's the Wizard of Oz. He's got all the power. 'I need something for a cold.' He looks down at me and says, 'That'll be $8.99.' I'm like, 'Yes, your highness!' He's literally higher than me, so he has authority. If we were eye level, I could negotiate. 'How about seven bucks?' But from down here? Forget it. He's got the pharmaceutical high ground.

George:I met a woman on the elevator.

Jerry:On the elevator? What, did you just start talking to her?

George:Yeah, I said hello.

Jerry:And she talked to you?

George:We talked the whole way up.

Jerry:That's amazing. Usually people on elevators just stare straight ahead or look at their shoes.

George:Well, this woman was different.

Jerry:Yeah, because she actually acknowledged your existence.

Jerry:You know what's impossible? Meeting someone on an elevator. You get on, you're standing there, the doors close, and you have maybe 8 seconds. What are you gonna do? 'Hey, weren't you great in that thing?' By the time they process what you said, you're on the 4th floor and they're getting off.

Jerry:It's like bomb defusal. You gotta cut the right wire or the whole thing explodes. One wrong move: 'So... this weather, huh?' BOOM. They think you're insane. Now you're standing next to them for three more floors in complete silence while they press themselves against the wall away from you.

George:My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

Woman:Well, hello, George.

George:I'm also responsible for the crop circles.

George:I used my best line on her. I said, 'Did you ever notice that all the great conversationalists in history were men? Women just listen.'

Jerry:And?

George:She looked at me like I had just landed in a crop circle.

Jerry:What does that mean?

George:I don't know! That's what she looked like!

Jerry:So she didn't know what crop circles are. I'm dating a woman who doesn't know what crop circles are. I mean, how is that possible? You live on Earth, right? You've seen the news? You've never heard of crop circles?

Jerry:I'm trying to explain it to her, and she's looking at me like I'm describing the mating rituals of the Zulu. 'Crops... in circles. They just fall down like that?' Yeah! That's the whole mystery of it!

Jerry:This is who I'm with now. This is my life. I'm a crop circle educator.

Kramer:Hey, hey, hey! What's going on here?

Kramer:You know what? You've got some lint on your shirt.

George:Oh no! I've had spinach in my teeth all day? All day?

Jerry:Yeah, I was wondering when you were gonna notice.

George:Why didn't you tell me? I've been talking to people like this!

Jerry:I thought you knew. You seemed so confident about it.

George:Confident?! I looked like an idiot!

Jerry:Did you see anyone?

George:Of course I had a job interview.

Jerry:So how'd the interview go?

George:It didn't.

Jerry:She's great. You don't need anyone else.

George:Yeah, well, that's what she keeps telling me. Apparently I'm not enough for her either.

George:Jerry, am I a bad person?

Jerry:No, you're not a bad person.

George:Really?

Jerry:No, you're a *great* person. You're one of the greatest people that ever lived.

George:I've been thinking about getting a nose job.

Jerry:Yeah, you should.

George:Really?

Jerry:Yeah, that schnoz is out of control.

George:Schnoz?

Jerry:It's a great word. Schnoz.

George:I'm not a pretty man.

Jerry:No, you're not.

George:It's like I can't stop thinking about it. Every time I look in the mirror, every time someone mentions a nose, every time I see someone with a good nose... I'm thinking about my nose. It's ruining my life!

George:I go to sleep thinking about it, I wake up thinking about it. I'm at work, I'm thinking about it. I'm trying to have a conversation with someone, and all I can think about is my nose.

George:This is what it's like to have OCD about your nose. You become obsessed. You can't function. You can't enjoy anything because you're too busy thinking about the shape of your own face!

George:I have a problem.

George:I'm attracted to her, but her brain is smaller than mine.

George:It's actually a turn-on.

George:I'm shallow and I'm needy. Is that so wrong?

George:Is that a zit or a blackhead?

Kramer:So I'm at this tailor, right? And he's altering my jacket. Beautiful jacket. Cashmere. So he says, 'Come back Tuesday.' I come back Tuesday, he says, 'It's not ready.' So I come back Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. Finally, Saturday morning, I go in there, and the jacket's ready. I put it on, it fits great. I go to pay him, he says, 'That'll be $8,000.' I said, 'Eight thousand dollars?!' He says, 'The alterations are very complicated.' So I'm like, 'No way.' We get into this whole thing, I'm yelling, he's yelling. Next thing I know, I'm being arrested for mail fraud.

Kramer:My name is Bob Sacamano.

Elaine:He thinks the jacket has some kind of magical power.

Jerry:It's not magical, it's just a really nice jacket.

Elaine:You won't stop talking about it. You think it makes you more attractive.

Jerry:I do not think that. I just know that when I wear it, good things happen.

Kramer:See, I'm preserving this hand stamp so I don't have to pay again.

Jerry:You didn't wash your hands?

Kramer:I wet 'em.

Jerry:You wet your hands?

Kramer:I'm not gonna wash my hands. I just got a tattoo.

Jerry:A tattoo?

Kramer:Yeah, a little stamp that says 'I'm clean.'

Kramer:You're a beautiful woman, Audrey.

Kramer:But that nose... that nose is a whole different story.

Elaine:Get out of here, Krellin!

Kramer:It's Kramski!

Elaine:Yeah, whatever.

Jerry:You know what would happen if everyone just told the truth all the time? It would be chaos. Complete chaos.

Jerry:Like, I'd walk into a coffee shop: 'Hey, can I get a coffee?' The guy behind the counter says, 'Yeah, but I spit in it because I don't like your face.'

Jerry:I'd say, 'Well, I appreciate the honesty, but I'm gonna pass.'

Jerry:He goes, 'Good, because I also made it with water that I know is bad.'

Jerry:Society exists because we lie. That's it. That's the whole thing.

Audrey:You seem preoccupied.

George:What? No, I'm not preoccupied. I'm fine. Everything's fine. You look great, by the way. Really great. Your nose looks particularly... symmetrical today.

Audrey:So what do you think? Should I get a nose job?

George:A nose job? Are you crazy? You've got a great nose.

Audrey:Really? You think so?

George:Absolutely. Don't touch it.

George:Look, I'm not saying you should do it. I'm not saying you shouldn't do it. But if you did do it, I wouldn't be upset.

George:In fact, I think it would be a great idea. A really, really great idea.

George:You know, I read somewhere that Frank Sinatra used to do this all the time.

George:Actually, I have no idea if that's true. I probably just made that up.

George:But I'm sticking with it.

George:Half my graduating class had nose jobs.

George:It's Long Island. What did you expect?

George:It's not a big deal. It's like going to the dentist.

Audrey:The dentist?! George, I'd rather have the surgery!

George:You know, I think people today are too focused on appearances. It's all about what's on the inside that matters.

George:But did you see that girl who just walked by? Hubba hubba!

Jerry:You told her to break up with me!

George:I did not!

Jerry:Yes, you did. She said you told her I was a bad person.

George:I never said that. You're putting words in my mouth.

Jerry:George, she specifically said you told her.

George:Well, maybe I said something, but not like that. Not the way you're making it sound.

Jerry:What did you say?

George:I... I don't remember. It was... I was just making conversation!

Jerry:Wait, who's Marty Feldman?

George:You know, the guy... he was in that movie.

Jerry:George, Marty Feldman? That's not a real person.

George:Yes he is! He's... he's very famous. In Europe.

George:I think the nose job is a mistake.

George:But if you want it, you should do it. It's your nose.

George:I'm going to hell.

Jerry:Not if you die first.

Jerry:So Audrey's having surgery, and George is excited about it.

George:Well, yeah, I mean, she'll be vulnerable, grateful... 'Hello, I'm Dr. Vinnie Barbarino.'

Jerry:That's your big line? That's what you're going with?

George:It's like my brain is playing chess and my penis is playing checkers.

Jerry:Well, the thing is, it's not even a fair fight. I mean, the brain's been winning since puberty. It's like a chess game where one side has all the pieces and the other side is just a pawn that shows up occasionally and acts like it's in charge.