The Contest

Jerry:I mean, think about it. Your parents had to have sex at least once. At least once! That's a horrifying thought. I don't even want to think about my parents having sex once. But they had to! Otherwise I wouldn't be here. So somewhere in the past, my parents... did it. At least once.

Jerry:I don't want to think about my parents having sex. It's like, I need proof. I need a birth certificate that says 'Conceived through immaculate conception.'

Jerry:Most people would be devastated to learn they're adopted. I'd be thrilled because it means my parents didn't have sex.

Jerry:You know, it's funny how we romanticize conception. We talk about 'making love' and 'creating life' — it's all very poetic. But the truth is, for most people, it's just accidental drunken sex.

Jerry:I'm in a terrifying hostage situation, and all I can think about is my laundry. I've got whites and colors mixed together in a bag in the corner. Do you know what the Geneva Convention says about that? Nothing! Because they never anticipated this level of negligence.

George:My mother walked in on me. She didn't knock!

George:I'm sitting there with my pants down, and she just opens the door like it's nothing!

George:I'm gonna have nightmares. She's gonna have nightmares. We're all gonna need therapy!

Jerry:Glamour magazine? What are you, out of your mind?

George's Mother:Oh my God! Oh my God!

George:I can't help her, she saw me! She knows I'm here!

George:If I help her up, she'll know I was just standing here watching her fall. But if I don't help her, she'll think I'm a horrible person.

George:There's no winning here!

George:I'm not going back there.

Jerry:What do you mean you're not going back? Your mother is trapped in the car!

George:I don't care. Do you know what I looked like out there? I looked like an idiot.

Jerry:But your mother—

George:My dignity is worth more than her life.

George:I'm not a big 'helper outer.' You know, if I see a woman fall down, my first instinct is to laugh.

George:But my second instinct is to offer a hand. It usually is. But what if it's a real woman? What if I'm not thinking clearly?

George:My mother's in the hospital. She fell down the stairs.

Jerry:Oh no, is she okay?

George:Well, she's paralyzed from the waist down.

George:Because it's there!

George:I'm done. No more.

Jerry:No more what?

George:No more lying. I'm never lying again.

Jerry:Never?

George:Never. From this moment on, I am a truthful man.

George:I'm telling you, I can do this. I can abstain.

Jerry:Oh yeah? For how long?

George:As long as I want. I have incredible willpower.

Jerry:Really? Because last week you ate an entire box of Entenmann's donuts in your car.

George:That's different. That's food. This is about discipline.

Jerry:So you're saying you can go longer than me?

George:Longer? I'll go twice as long as you.

Jerry:Oh, now it's a competition?

George:You made it a competition!

Jerry:I just asked a question.

George:Well, I'm winning.

Jerry:So what are we betting? A hundred dollars?

George:A hundred dollars? I don't know...

Kramer:I'm in.

Jerry:You're in? You're the one with the most to lose.

Kramer:I'm very confident.

George:Alright, I'm in. A hundred dollars.

Jerry:Okay, so we all agree? No more masturbating.

Jerry:You want to be in the contest? Kramer, you can't even go ten minutes without...

Kramer:I can do it.

Jerry:You can't do it.

Kramer:I can do it.

Jerry:Kramer, you're the worst person for this. You have no self-control. You can't even wait for the coffee to cool down before you drink it.

Elaine:Why should you get to be in the contest and not me?

Jerry:Because it's different for men.

Elaine:How is it different?

Jerry:It just is. It's like... it's like shaving. I shave every day. It's part of my routine.

Elaine:So you're saying masturbating is the same as shaving?

Jerry:For men, it's basically grooming.

Elaine:It's not the same thing!

Jerry:Why not? You shave your legs, I shave my face.

Elaine:That's different. Women shave their legs.

Jerry:So do I. I just do it less often.

Jerry:We're gonna need some kind of monitoring system. I mean, we can't just take each other's word for it. How do we know anybody's telling the truth? We need like a lie detector test or something.

Jerry:Or maybe we could have like a judge, you know? Someone neutral who could verify everything. But then again, who are we gonna trust with this? This is very sensitive material.

Jerry:I mean, we're talking about the honor system here. We have to trust each other not to lie about masturbating. That's a lot to ask.

George:It's a normal activity. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Jerry:So you're saying if a woman walked in right now, you wouldn't be embarrassed?

George:No, I would be.

George:So how's it going with that virgin?

Jerry:Well, it's like a military campaign. You got your reconnaissance, your infiltration, and then the actual invasion.

George:You're invading?

Jerry:That's what it feels like. I'm storming the beach like it's D-Day.

Jerry:So you're telling me you can just sit here and not think about it?

George:That's the whole point of the contest.

Kramer:I'm out.

Jerry:You're out? We haven't even started!

Kramer:I can't do this.

Jerry:I'm just trying to figure out the logistics. How do they keep the furniture clean?

George:What do you mean? They probably have those little seat covers.

Jerry:Seat covers? At a nudist colony?

George:Yeah! And they probably have theme nights. Toga night, lingerie night...

Jerry:George, it's a nudist colony.

George:So what? They could still have a nude-o-rama!

Elaine:I'm not worried. I'm very good at controlling myself. I have tremendous willpower.

Kramer:I'm telling you, Jerry, I saw a UFO last night. It landed right in my apartment.

Jerry:A UFO landed in your apartment.

Kramer:Yeah, it was hovering right over my bed.

Jerry:And how'd that work out for you?

Kramer:Well, I offered them some coffee.

Jerry:You offered aliens coffee.

Kramer:They seemed interested.

Jerry:Did they take it?

Kramer:No, but they took my TV guide.

Jerry:Well, that makes sense.

Kramer:I'm out!

Jerry:Why did Kramer lose so quickly?

Kramer:The naked woman across the street was my downfall.

Jerry:And so, the first contestant has been eliminated. The tension mounts. Who will be next? The clues are there, scattered like breadcrumbs through a dark forest. But only one person can solve this mystery. Only one person has the keen eye, the sharp mind, the impeccable fashion sense of a true detective.

George's Mother:I caught him. With his pants down, beating like it was the best thing in the world.

George's Mother:Like he was at Coney Island or something.

George:Ma, Ma, it's okay. Nothing happened.

George's Mother:Nothing happened?! You could have been killed!

George:But I wasn't.

George's Mother:You could have been maimed! Disfigured! You could have lost a limb!

George:Ma, please—

George's Mother:We could have had to identify you by your teeth! They wouldn't even recognize you at the funeral!

George's Mother:You're always doing it! In the bathroom, in the bedroom... what is wrong with you?

George's Mother:You know what? You're so good at it, you should do it professionally.

George's Mother:Yes! I can see it now. Ladies and gentlemen, performing live at Madison Square Garden...

George's Mother:The one, the only... George Costanza! The greatest masturbator of our time!

George's Mother:The crowd goes wild! They're on their feet! Throwing roses!

Cousin:So George, what do you do for a living?

George:I'm in real estate.

Nurse:Okay, I need you to remove your clothes please.

George:I specialize in residential properties, primarily in the outer boroughs.

Cousin:That sounds interesting.

Nurse:Everything off, including your underwear.

George:The market's been pretty good lately.

George's Mother:George! George, are you listening to me?

George:What? Yeah, Mom, I'm listening.

George's Mother:You are not listening. You haven't heard a word I said for the past five minutes.

George:I'm listening, Ma. What were you saying?

George's Mother:See? You don't even know what I was talking about! This is what happens when you get distracted by those... those women and their sponges!

Joyce:He had a great butt.

Elaine:He had a great butt.

Joyce:A really great butt.

Elaine:A really great butt.

Jerry:I don't care about sex. I really don't. It's not important to me at all.

Jerry:I mean, we could go months without it. Years even. I wouldn't even notice.

Jerry:Sex is just... it's overrated. People make such a big deal about it.

Jerry:I'm perfectly content just talking, spending time together. That's what relationships are really about.

Jerry:Good night. That was great.

Jerry:Really great.

Kramer:I slept like a baby last night.

Jerry:That's great. By the way, there's a naked woman in that building across the street, and she's not there right now.

Kramer:Oh, she comes out at 9:15.

Jerry:So, you're still master of your domain?

George:I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm loving every minute of it!

Jerry:You know, we're living in a society!

Jerry:Would you close your blinds?

Kramer:Close the blinds? Jerry, that's the best part of my day! I got a whole routine worked out. I timed it, I know exactly when she's gonna come by!

Kramer:Jerry, you can't pass this up. This is what you've been working toward your whole life.

Kramer:This is your childhood dream, finally coming true.

Kramer:Come on, Jerry, you gotta do this for me.

Jerry:Kramer, no. Absolutely not.

Kramer:Please, Jerry, please! I'm begging you!

Jerry:The answer is no.

Kramer:Jerry! JERRY! You don't understand what this means to me!

Kramer:I'm telling you, Jerry, she's gotta come back out eventually. She can't stay in there forever.

Jerry:Kramer, what are you doing? Get away from that window!

Kramer:Jerry, I've been waiting here for twenty minutes. You think I'm gonna leave now?

George:So I'm at the hospital, right? And there's this nurse, incredibly attractive. I mean, stunning.

Jerry:Okay...

George:So I'm trying to play it cool, you know? And then they bring in this patient. Also attractive. Maybe more attractive than the nurse.

Jerry:What did you do?

George:I didn't know where to look! It's like channel surfing, but with women. I'm going back and forth, back and forth. The nurse catches me looking at the patient. The patient thinks I'm looking at the nurse.

Jerry:That's a lose-lose.

George:I ended up staring at the floor for twenty minutes. My neck hurts.

Jerry:So what's the status on the contest?

George:I'm still in. I haven't... you know.

Jerry:Really? That's impressive.

George:I'm like the King of this thing.

Jerry:The King? I'm the Emperor.

George:The Emperor? Well then I'm the Lord.

Jerry:The Lord? I'm the Supreme Ruler of the Universe.

Elaine:Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!

Instructor:Okay everyone, let's begin!

Elaine:Is that... wait, is that...?

Elaine:It IS! It's John F. Kennedy Jr.!

Elaine:I engineered the entire thing. I waited outside his office building for three weeks. I studied his schedule, his gym routine, his favorite coffee shop. Then I 'accidentally' bumped into him at the corner of 57th and Madison.

Jerry:That's not a chance encounter, Elaine. That's stalking.

Elaine:It's only stalking if you get caught. And I didn't get caught, so technically it was a chance encounter.

Elaine:So, uh, what do you do?

Elaine:I live at the same building as Jerry Seinfeld.

JFK Jr.:Really? That's amazing.

Elaine:Yeah, we're really close.

Elaine:I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm loving every minute of it!

Mother:George, I'm hungry. Could you get me something from the deli?

George:Ma, you're in the hospital. They have food here.

Mother:But I want something from Zabar's.

George:Zabar's? You're on an IV! What do you need Zabar's for?

Mother:We need to eat something right now. I'm starving!

George:Here, have a Tic Tac.

Mother:A Tic Tac? That's not a meal!

George:It's got a hole in it. That's something.

Mother:Where's my lunch? I'm starving!

George:Ma, I'm getting it right now, just relax.

Mother:Relax? I've been waiting all morning!

Nurse:Hello, I'm here for the sponge bath.

Mother:NOW?! Get out! Can't you see I'm in the middle of something?

George:Ma...

Mother:This is your fault!

George's Mother:George, you have to leave. I need to take a sponge bath.

George:Ma, I'm reading the paper.

George's Mother:I don't care what you're doing. Out!

George:Can't you just... do it later?

George's Mother:No! Now get out of here!

George:Fine, fine. I'm going.

Joyce:JFK Jr. was asking about you.

Elaine:Really?

Joyce:He said you were his type.

Elaine:JFK Jr. is interested in me? That's... that's great news!

Elaine:Wait, no. No, I can't get excited. I'm in a contest. I can't be happy about anything.

Elaine:This is terrible! This is the worst thing that could happen to me right now!

Jerry:Hello? No, no, I'm not doing anything. I'm just watching TV. What am I watching? Uh, cartoons. Yeah, cartoons. Very wholesome. Educational. Good for the mind.

Jerry:What? No, there's nothing else on. I specifically chose this for the... for the learning value.

Jerry:No, no, no... I'm not giving in. I can do this.

Jerry:It's just a contest. That's all it is.

Jerry:I've got the willpower. I've got the discipline.

Jerry:Come on, Jerry. You can beat this thing.

Jerry:♪ She's naked, she's naked, oh what a delight! She's naked and ready and... oh my God, she's naked! ♪

Kramer:This coffee is terrible! What is this, mud? Did you make this in a boot?

Jerry:What do you want from me? I'm just trying to get my coffee in the morning. It's like a prison operation - I've got my suppliers, my connections. I make a phone call, someone brings me beans from the dark roast side of town.

Kramer:Alright, alright, I took your socks. But have you seen them? They're beautiful socks. I couldn't help myself.

Kramer:The argyle pattern, the reinforced heel... I'm not a monster, I'm just a man who appreciates quality hosiery.

Jerry:I haven't had sex in so long, I'm starting to notice things about socks I never noticed before. The way they cling to your leg, the gentle caress of the elastic around the ankle... I'm getting turned on by hosiery!

Kramer:That's not normal, Jerry.

Jerry:I know it's not normal! Nothing about this is normal! I'm in my apartment, alone, getting excited about cotton blends!

Kramer:She's out! She's out of the contest!

Jerry:So why did you lose?

Elaine:I don't know, I just kept thinking about JFK Jr. the whole time. You know, John-John. John-John. John-John.

Jerry:And so, the mystery deepens. Two men remain in the apartment. One knows the truth. The other... knows nothing. Or does he?

Jerry:So you know how I've been in this contest with my friends?

Marla:What contest?

Jerry:Well, it's kind of embarrassing, but whoever... doesn't, uh... you know... for the longest time wins a hundred dollars.

Marla:You're disgusting!

Jerry:Hey, it's not like I'm proud of it! But look, I've been doing really well. I'm in the lead!

Marla:This is sick. I can't believe you.

Jerry:Wait, wait! It's not what you think. I mean, it's exactly what you think, but... George's mother came to the house and I looked at her and I just... I lost it. It's her fault!

Marla:You're all perverts! All of you! I can't believe I almost... with someone who... in a contest like that!

Marla:I'm leaving! I'm going back to my convent!

Marla:You know, I've been thinking about what you said, and you're right. I am being judgmental. But then I realized - it's not just you! It's all of you! You're all terrible people!

Elaine:JFK Jr. was outside? And I missed him?

Jerry:The crushing irony that he left with the virgin who condemned them all.

Elaine:He left with Marla Maples?!

George:Yeah, they're together now.

Elaine:But... but he was supposed to be with me. I had it all planned out. We were going to have the most beautiful children.

Jerry:Elaine, he just met Marla.

Elaine:And whose fault is that? I'm the one who introduced them! I created this monster, and now she's stealing my future!

Jerry:Oh my God, is that Kramer?

George:He's in her apartment!

Jerry:And he's naked!

Kramer:Hey! Hey!

Marla:I'm no longer a virgin.

Jerry:What? What happened?

Marla:I lost it to JFK Jr.

Jerry:You know what I've realized? The whole thing about male desire is that it's fundamentally about the forbidden. It's not about the woman, it's about the fact that you can't have her. That's the whole thing. Once you have her, boom, you're done. The forbidden becomes the allowed, and suddenly she's not interesting anymore.

Jerry:If women always wore hats, there would be a whole pornography industry based on exposed heads. Just heads. Bald heads, heads with hat hair... that would be the forbidden fruit.

Jerry:In countries where nudity is normal, like certain parts of Europe, men must obsess over something else. Like, what do they think about? You know, in America, we're obsessed with breasts because we can't see them. But in a nudist colony in Sweden, they're just walking around. So the Swedish guy is probably obsessed with... I don't know, kneecaps or something. He's like, 'Oh man, did you see the kneecaps on that one?' That's his thing.

Jerry:You go to a strip club in a culture where everyone's already naked all the time, right? Like in some European countries. So the strip club would just be like a jewelry store. The guy's like, 'Ooh, she's taking off her bracelet! Oh! Now the anklet! Oh my God, is that a toe ring?'