The Movie

What is with the age-gap hiring policy at most movie theaters? They never hire anyone between the ages of 15 and 80.

The girl that sells you the tickets, she's 10. Then there's the guy that rips it, he's 102.

It's like they want to show you how life comes full circle. You're 15, selling tickets... Eighty years later, you're back at the same theater... 3 feet away, ripping tickets. Took you 80 years to move 3 feet.

Oh, no, Buckles? You're not putting him on tonight, are you? No. He hangs around in case somebody drops out.

Excuse me. Do you have a ticket? No. Okay. Good.

Why do they call it 'athlete's foot'? You don't have to be an athlete to get it. My father gets it all the time and, believe me, he's no athlete.

Ponce de León? Are you kidding me? I hated that movie.

When Ponce looked in that mirror and saw that he hadn't changed... and that tear started to roll down his cheek, I lost it.

I want to see this movie on a big screen. That's a twin theater. I want to see this movie on a big screen.

I once had the fleece ripped out of my winter coat in a seat-saving incident.

When I asked you before if you had a ticket, you said no. I didn't. My friend was getting it. That's good. It's good to be accurate.

No, it's not a theater. It's a room where they bring in POWs to show them propaganda films.

Yes! Yes, I eat fish! I don't know how you eat that crap.

Men can sit through the most pointless, boring movie if there's the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off.

Well, how's that easier? I mean, then you would owe me $12.50 instead of me owing you $7.50. Either way. Yeah, it's the same thing.

Tell you what. Give me the 20, I'll buy you a popcorn and soda and I'll throw in a bonbons. George, you're sapping my strength.

I wonder how Ike Turner would react in traffic. 'You better move that car, girl, before I bust you up.'

It's not bad enough that I can't see, I have to sit here for two hours. I don't think so.

Jerry, don't start up with me. Jerry, we're riffing. No, I'm not riffing. I'm ignoring. Do you understand the difference?

What, is that a rule? Are these your things? Yeah.

No, taken! Taken, taken. I'm getting the hang of it.

Oh, take them.

Excuse me, have you seen a guy with, like... a horse face, big teeth and a pointed nose? Flared nostrils? Yeah. Nope. Haven't seen him.

Jerry, my closet is packed to the gills. I'm afraid to open the door.

Really? Do you mean that? No, I don't.

There was a short guy with glasses... looked like Humpty-Dumpty with a melon head.

And then last night, he put on my high heels. He put on such a show for us. He was dancing around, lip-synching to A Chorus Line.

Excuse me. Excuse me. What's the problem? You're talking. It's the coming attractions.

I'm going to the movies for 25 years, nobody ever asked me for the stub.

I went in with a pretty woman. You know, short, big wall of hair, face like a frying pan.

Can I have a medium Diet Coke? You want the medium or middle size? What's the difference? Well, we have three sizes: medium, large and jumbo. What happened to the small? There is no small. Small's medium.

Do adults ever order the child-size? Not usually.

Is it real butter? It's butter flavoring. Yeah, well, what is it made of? It's yellow.

You just let me in. We just did this a minute ago! I need to see your stub. I got the stub. I got the stub. I put it right in my pocket. I got the... I'm telling you, I got the stub. I just... I don't know where it is.

Come, come, you're soaking wet. Come in. My name is Rochelle. I'm from Milan. Take off those wet clothes. You'll catch cold. My hands are so cold, I can barely get these buttons open.

Hey, listen, by the way... have you seen a tall, lanky doofus... with a bird face and hair like the Bride of Frankenstein?

That athlete's-foot bit killed. Really? You think I need to lose some weight? Weight? No. You just need some height.

Rochelle Rochelle? A young girl's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk. Minsk?

Give me a break! Elaine? Jerry. Elaine. Shut up. Jerry? George? Elaine? George.

Hey, by the way, you owe me $7.50. But I didn't even use the ticket. I still paid for it.

You took my seat? You owe me $7.50. Yeah. Right. What is this stain? It's yellow mustard. Can you break a 20?

But I always get confused in the movie theater by the plot. It's embarrassing to have to admit, but I'm the one you see in the parking lot, after the movie, talking with his friends, going: 'You mean, that was the same guy from the beginning?'

Why did they kill that guy? Why did they kill him? Who was that guy? Who was that guy? I thought he was with them. Wasn't he with them? Why would they kill him if he was with them? Oh, he wasn't really with them. I thought he was with them. It's a good thing they killed him.