The Visa

Jerry:You ever notice how movie theaters hire the youngest possible people to sell tickets? I mean, they get a 10-year-old kid working the booth. And then they need someone to rip the tickets, so they hire a 102-year-old man. It's like they're covering the entire spectrum of human employment.

Jerry:You know what I realized? Working at a movie theater is like a mathematical equation. You start here, you end up here... it's just a horizontal line.

Theater Worker:Do you have your ticket?

Elaine:No, I don't have it.

Theater Worker:That's great!

George:Why is it called athlete's foot? I mean, my father has it and he's not an athlete.

Jerry:Well, athletes get it because they're in locker rooms, sweating, running around...

George:My father sits on the couch all day. He's as far from an athlete as you can get.

George:What are you talking about? That movie was brilliant! The fountain of youth scene? I was moved. I was genuinely moved by that scene. There's this old man, right? And he's looking at the fountain, and he knows he can't go in it, and there's just this moment where you see the regret in his eyes. The regret of a life not lived! And nobody appreciated that! Nobody! You're all monsters!

Elaine:I'm not saving seats. Do you know what happens when you save seats? People get angry. I've seen fleece being ripped out over seat saving.

Theater Worker:You know, I gotta tell you, you're very thorough. Very meticulous. I like that in a person.

George:Thank you.

Elaine:I hate multiplex theaters. You're standing in line, you don't know which theater your movie is in, there's all these people milling around. It's like a prisoner of war camp!

Babu:In Pakistan, we had a fish. A beautiful fish. I would feed it every day.

Jerry:That's nice.

Babu:One day, the fish died. I cried for three days.

Jerry:It was just a fish.

Babu:Just a fish? Just a fish?! This fish was like a brother to me!

Jerry:Yeah, well, it's not like you can get another one.

Babu:I did get another one. And another one. And another one. I have had forty-seven fish.

Jerry:Why are you telling me this?

Jerry:Yeah, yeah, I get the point.

Babu:You get the point? What point? I don't have a point!

Kramer:A man walks into a movie theater. He doesn't care about the superlative adjectives, the adventure, the woman's journey. He just wants to see boobs.

George:So I lend you twenty dollars, you give me back twenty dollars, we're even.

Kramer:Right.

George:But what if you give me back nineteen dollars? Then you owe me a dollar.

Kramer:OK...

George:And what if you give me back twenty-one dollars? Then I owe you a dollar.

Kramer:So?

George:So we could just keep exchanging dollars back and forth forever and never actually settle anything!

Kramer:I'm not following you.

George:That's the beauty of it!

Kramer:I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm lovin' every minute of it!

Kramer:But you know what? I'm exhausted. I'm completely drained.

Babu:You know, I do impressions of celebrities reacting to traffic. Like, Marlon Brando, he's stuck in traffic, he's very angry. He says, 'I'm going to make you an offer you can't refuse... GET OUT OF MY WAY!'

Babu:Or like, Katharine Hepburn, she's in traffic, very prim and proper. 'Well, I must say, this gridlock is most unbecoming. I shall take my pearls and go home.'

Babu:Or Truman Capote - he's stuck behind a minivan, he's like, 'Dahling, whoever is driving this vehicle has the taste level of a gas station restroom.'

Babu:So Jerry, we work together on comedy material, yes? We riff, we build, we create magic!

Jerry:Babu, I have to be honest with you. I wasn't riffing with you. I was just... ignoring you.

Babu:Ignoring me?

Jerry:Yes. While you were talking, I was thinking about whether I had any clean socks at home.

Elaine:I'm getting pretty good at this aggressive thing. I think I've really mastered it.

Elaine:I can be very antisocial when I want to be.

George:He's very tall, he's got wild hair, he's kind of lanky, ungainly...

Jerry:He's got a big head, he's got a weird shaped body, and his hair looks like a wig.

Theater Worker:Yeah, and he's got this strange smell about him too.

Theater Worker:But I haven't seen him.

Jerry:Hey Babu, how's everything going?

Babu:Oh Jerry, terrible! My closet, it is so full. I cannot close the door anymore. Every time I open it, everything falls out on me. Last week a shoe hit me in the face so hard I saw stars.

Jerry:Maybe you should clean it out? Get rid of some stuff?

Babu:No, no, I cannot throw away! I keep everything. I have pants from 1987. I have seventeen belts. Some of them are the same color! And the hangers, Jerry - the hangers are all tangled together like snakes. Angry snakes fighting for space!

Jerry:That sounds... dangerous.

Babu:You don't know the half of it. I am afraid to open the door now. I hired a structural engineer to assess the situation. He said it is a 'biological hazard.'

Babu:Jerry, I have been thinking. Maybe I start fresh. New restaurant, new location, new name. You think this could work?

Jerry:No. No, I don't think that could work.

Babu:So, what did you think of my material?

Jerry:It was... well, it wasn't funny.

Babu:What do you mean it wasn't funny? I've been working on this for weeks.

Jerry:Yeah, and it shows. The whole thing doesn't make sense. Your setup goes nowhere, the punchline has nothing to do with it, and honestly, I didn't laugh once.

Babu:But... but I thought it was good.

Jerry:That's the problem, Babu. You thought it was good.

Theater Worker:Well, what does he look like?

George:He's about 5'9", dark hair, glasses...

Theater Worker:Oh yeah, I think I saw him. He came in about an hour ago.

George:Really? Which way did he go?

Theater Worker:Well, he had a limp... and one eye was higher than the other... and he kept making this weird clicking sound with his tongue...

George:That's... that's not him.

Theater Worker:Oh well, he left anyway. He went thataway.

Mother:My son is so talented. He's only 12 years old and he's already performing in front of thousands of people.

Movie Patron:That's amazing! What does he do?

Mother:He's a pickpocket.

Jerry:You know, I'm really trying not to talk during the movie.

Movie Patron:Yeah, well, previews don't count.

Jerry:What do you mean I need the stub? I have the ticket!

Theater Worker:You need the stub to get your money back.

Jerry:But I have the ticket right here. The whole ticket!

Theater Worker:You need the stub.

Jerry:What is this, a stub? This is a little piece of paper! How is this worth anything?

Theater Worker:That's the policy.

Jerry:Policy? What policy? Who makes up these policies?

Theater Worker:It's a big city, pal.

Jerry:She's got a great personality, she's funny, she's smart... but she's a little kooky. She does these weird things sometimes. Like, she'll walk into a room and just start talking to herself. Or she'll wear something completely inappropriate and not even realize it. And don't even get me started on her dance moves.

Jerry:Elaine? Elaine?

Movie Patron 1:Shh!

Jerry:Elaine?

Movie Patron 2:Be quiet!

Jerry:Has anyone seen a woman, about this tall?

Movie Patron 3:Sit down!

Jerry:Elaine! ELAINE!

Movie Patron 1:Get out of here!

Narrator:Rochelle, Rochelle. A young girl's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk.

Jerry:Can I get a medium drink?

Concession Worker:We don't have a medium.

Jerry:What do you mean you don't have a medium? What's this?

Concession Worker:That's a small.

Jerry:Well, what's this one?

Concession Worker:That's a large.

Jerry:So you're telling me you went from small directly to large? There's no medium?

Concession Worker:We eliminated it.

Jerry:You eliminated the medium? What, was it not popular? Did it not test well?

Jerry:So let me get this straight. You're saying the small is the medium?

Concession Worker:No, the medium is the small.

Jerry:But then what's the large?

Concession Worker:That's the medium.

Jerry:So the large is the medium, and the medium is the small?

Concession Worker:Right.

Jerry:Then what happened to the small?

Concession Worker:That's the large.

Jerry:What is this, a child-size popcorn?

Concession Worker:Yeah.

Jerry:How often does an adult come up and order the child-size?

Concession Worker:All the time.

Jerry:Is that real butter?

Concession Worker:It's butter-colored.

Jerry:I already gave you my stub!

Theater Worker:I need to see your stub.

Jerry:I showed it to you five minutes ago!

Theater Worker:I have no recollection of that.

Jerry:You were standing right there!

Theater Worker:Sir, I'm going to need to see your stub.

Jerry:Come on, we're gonna be late! I've got a show in twenty minutes.

Cab Driver:I know, I know, we're moving.

Jerry:Can you please step on it?

Cab Driver:I'm doing the best I can here!

Cab Driver:Oh no, no no no... I gotta get gas.

Jerry:Gas? Now?

Cab Driver:The tank is on empty.

Jerry:Can't you get gas after you drop me off?

Cab Driver:I could run out in the middle of the street. Is that what you want?

Movie Narrator/Character:A woman, a man, a forbidden desire... Rochelle Rochelle. A young girl's strange erotic journey from Milan to Minsk.

Jerry:She's not my girlfriend. She's just a friend. A friend who I have sex with.

Jerry:No, no, it's not like that. She's more of a... a buddy. A buddy with whom I engage in physical relations.

Jerry:Look, she's a woman I know. A woman I'm intimate with occasionally. A casual... intimate... acquaintance.

Jerry:Yeah, well, I had a whole bit prepared. It was gonna be gold. But instead, I got to experience the real comedy of my life falling apart in front of a roomful of strangers. So that's nice.

Babu:I'm doing very well with my material. People love it.

Jerry:Yeah, well maybe if you didn't eat so much you wouldn't be so heavy.

Babu:What? I'm not heavy!

Jerry:No, but you're short. And that makes you look heavy.

Jerry:So where are we going?

Movie Character:My father's a lumberjack.

Jerry:There you are!

Elaine:We've been looking all over for you!

George:Where were you sitting?

Jerry:I couldn't find my seat. I've been wandering around in the dark for twenty minutes.

Movie Patron:Sit down! You're blocking the screen!

Elaine:We're trying to find our seats!

Movie Patron:I don't care! Sit!

George:Look, we paid for tickets just like you did.

Another Movie Patron:Shh!

Jerry:Finally! There's two seats together... wait, those are taken.

Elaine:This is a nightmare.

George:We'll never see this movie.

Jerry:I'm sitting in gum.

George:You still owe me twelve dollars for that movie ticket from three weeks ago.

Elaine:George, I don't owe you anything. You bought the ticket.

George:But I bought it for you!

Elaine:Exactly. You gave it to me. It's a gift. You can't give someone a gift and then ask them to pay you back. That's not a gift, that's a loan, and you didn't say it was a loan.

George:It was implied!

Elaine:Nothing is implied, George. You have to use your words.

Elaine:That's my seat!

Kramer:What are you talking about? I've been sitting here the whole time.

George:Hey, hey, hey - can we settle this later? You owe me twenty bucks from last week.

Elaine:George, this is not the time!

George:I'm just saying, while we're all here...

Jerry:You know, I'm the guy. I'm the confused guy at the movies. I'm sitting there, popcorn in my lap, looking around like 'What is happening?' Everyone else knows exactly what's going on. They're following the plot, understanding the dialogue. I'm just... lost. Completely lost. And I'm fine with it. I've made peace with it. I'm that guy.

Jerry:Wait, so the movie I saw last week... was that the one with the guy, or was that a different movie?

Jerry:And the ending—did it make sense, or am I just supposed to accept it?

Jerry:Because I've seen three movies this month and I honestly can't remember which plot goes with which title.

Jerry:So wait, let me get this straight. The guy kills his wife because she wouldn't make him a sandwich?