The Wallet

That's because you're looking at it from an angle. If you were over here... It looks from where you're sitting... it looks like I'm doing 90 on empty. But that's because you're over there. If you were over here, you'd know I'm in the driveway with a full tank.

What writer? It's a sitcom.

How could you eat fish on a plane? / Because she puts up a stink every time I have a piece of meat.

Believe me, they're all crooks.

Is Ted Danson's deal standard? / Ted Danson? / You know, the guy from Cheers. / Yeah, I know who he is. / You're not Ted Danson. / I didn't say I was Ted Danson.

Oh, yeah. I'm a writer. I forgot.

That's it for this piece of junk. I've had it.

Over my dead body, Jerry. I'm telling you right now... you're not gonna do it.

Oh, some guy kicked me in the side of the head. / What guy? / Crazy Joe Davola. / Why? / Well, I was having this party... and I didn't invite him, and then Jerry tipped him off.

They're good around the house, and they're good for outside.

But the doctor says it's just a slight concussion.

I know, it seems impossible.

Maybe some people don't like him. I can see that.

Where did I take it? / Yeah. / Where did I take it?

Look, there's no watch. I threw it in the garbage can on the street. My parents gave it to me, but I didn't like it.

He's got a thing on his ankle.

How could anyone not like him?

Look at this. It's a book.

You stick up for that sofa like I'm criticizing a person.

That's it. Here, you got my name, you got my address. That's enough.

You are so, so naive. You know about a few things. You know about comedy... a little bit about relationships, some baseball... but you're so far out of your element here, you're embarrassing yourself.

We got a show about nothing. With no story.

Are you repeating everything? / Are you repeating everything? / Well, George is an idiot. / Well, George...

Look, if I did that in my business, I wouldn't have made a nickel.

I can't stand Velcro. That tearing sound. I used to be in raincoats. I refused to put that in any of my lines.

Federal Express? Of course. That's the oldest trick in the book. It might not be a burglar. It could be a murderer.

So you wanna just abolish all home-package delivery? / Yes, it's dangerous.

Oh, God. I thought you were in California. / Well, I came back for you. / Oh, shut up.

Me too, miss. I miss. Yeah, big missing going on around here.

It's a tell. You got a tell. / What tell? What's a tell? / When you ask about their relationship and they touch their face... you know it's not going too well.

The higher up on the face you go, the worse the relationship is getting. You know, it's like: Pretty good. Not bad. I gotta get out.

You almost did the nose.

Are you eating my peanut butter out of the jar with your disgusting fingers?

What, I'm not eating bread now. I'm off bread.

He has this power over me, okay? He has this way of manipulating every little word that I say. He's like a Svenjolly.

Svenjolly? I did not say, Svenjolly. / George? / Svenjolly.

Maybe he's got, like, a cheerful mental hold on you.

He stole my wallet. The bum stole my wallet. My wallet's gone! My wallet's gone!

I had $225 in there. / I don't see how that happened. / Oh, you don't see. You don't see. Well, it happened. Believe me.

I wanna know what kind of office this is where you can't leave your pants.

His name is... Kramer.

I'll be lying on an x-ray table with my wallet in my mouth.

I found it in the garbage can. It kept terrible time. I brought it over to Jimmy Sherman right here on 85th and Columbus. Gave it to me back the next day, works great. What kind of an idiot throws away a perfectly good watch?

Don't you hate 'to be continueds' on TV?

There's no way they wrap this up in five minutes. I mean, the whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends.

If I wanted a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.

A comedian can't do that, see? I can't go, 'A man walks into a bar with a pig. Can you come back next week?'