The Watch

Elaine:He's like a regular Sven-gully! He just manipulates people without them even knowing it.

Jerry:You know what kills me about these executive gifts? They give you something completely useless with the most pretentious name possible. Like, I got this thing - it's called a 'Gentleman's Executive Desktop Organizational Apparatus.' You know what it is? A pen holder. A pen holder! They put it in a box the size of a refrigerator.

Jerry:A paperweight. What does that say? 'I spent 30 seconds thinking about you.' It's like the gift equivalent of a shrug.

Jerry:What is the purpose of a paperweight? I mean, who has papers flying around their office? What kind of office are you working in? It looks like a tornado hit it. Papers are just floating everywhere, swirling around your head. You need a paperweight to pin things down so they don't blow away. But when does that ever happen? Unless you work near a wind tunnel or something.

Jerry:You know what really gets me? Paperweights. I'm at work, I'm trying to do my job, and there's this thing just sitting on my desk, weighing down papers. What is that? Why does paper need to be weighted? It's paper! It's light! That's the whole thing about paper!

Jerry:And these paperweights, they're getting more elaborate. Now they've got snow globes. Snow globes! You're in an office building in Manhattan, and you've got a miniature winter wonderland on your desk. What are you doing? Are you time traveling? Are you a pioneer?

Jerry:I saw one the other day - it had a little Viking ship inside. A Viking ship! In a paperweight! In a cubicle! Some guy's sitting there with a Viking ship frozen in glass, and he's like, 'Yeah, I'm keeping my quarterly reports down. With Vikings.'

Frank Costanza:Why would he tell me a different time than what he tells you? What is he, a magician?

Jerry:He's a jeweler, Dad.

Frank Costanza:A jeweler! A magician jeweler! He takes your watch, tells you it'll be ready Tuesday, but when you show up Tuesday, it's not ready. Then he tells you it'll be ready Friday. What kind of business is this? He's playing with time itself!

Jerry:Come on, George, she's attractive. You can admit it.

George:I don't know what you're talking about.

Jerry:George, she's a beautiful woman.

George:So what? I like a lot of things.

George:I'm not insulted easily. I don't get insulted.

Jerry:Oh really? What if I said your hair looks like a dead animal on top of your head?

George:I wouldn't care.

Jerry:What if I said you have the worst posture of any human being alive?

George:Wouldn't bother me.

Jerry:What if I said you're a short, stocky, slow-witted bald man with the personality of a napkin?

George:Hey! I am NOT slow-witted!

Elaine:So you'll pretend to be my boyfriend?

Kramer:Yeah, sure. What's his name?

Elaine:Um, Bob Tremont.

Kramer:Bob Tremont. Okay. So when did we meet?

Elaine:I don't know, just make something up.

Kramer:All right. We met at a... a resort. A spa resort. And we got a couples massage.

Elaine:Okay.

Kramer:And then later that night, we... we made love under the stars.

Elaine:I can't believe I have to tell you this.

Kramer:What? Come on, we're friends. You can tell me anything.

Elaine:Okay, fine. It's about my... personal situation.

Kramer:Ooh, details! I love details!

Kramer:I'm not rehearsing this. This is like... this is like Jackie Gleason refusing to do 'The Honeymooners.' I mean, you don't rehearse the Honeymooners, you just do it!

Jerry:Your hair looks like it's one stray spark away from a five-alarm fire.

Kramer:I would like to propose a union of sorts. A symbiotic arrangement, if you will. I shall provide companionship and occasional monetary contributions, and in exchange, you would assume the role of my betrothed in matters of social convention.

Psychiatrist:Mr. Kramer, that's not how relationships work.

Kramer:Precisely! Which is why it's perfect. No messy emotions, no complicated entanglements. Merely a contractual understanding between two parties.

Waitress:We have a wonderful tiramisu today.

Waitress:It's so good, it'll change your life.

Waitress:You'll never be the same after you taste it.

Waitress:Once you eat it, there's no going back.

George:You gotta flirt with her, Jerry. Come on, you're a comedian. Make her laugh.

Jerry:It doesn't work that way, George. I can't just turn it on like a switch.

George:Why not? You do it on stage every night.

Jerry:That's different. On stage I have a microphone, a spotlight, and people paid to listen to me.

George:So what's the problem? Just be funny.

Jerry:George, I can't perform a forty-five minute set while we're getting coffee.

Frank:I'll get this, I'll get this.

Jerry:Dad, you don't have your wallet.

Frank:So what? I'm still paying.

Jerry:With what? You have no money.

Frank:I'll use my credit card.

Jerry:It's in your wallet.

Frank:Then I'll write a check.

Jerry:You left that in there too.

Frank:Fine. I'll just tell them I'm good for it.

Jerry:Dad, that's not how currency works.

Frank:Well it should be! This is why the whole system's collapsing!

Receptionist:Mr. Bonanza, your two o'clock is here.

George:Bonanza? It's Costanza!

Receptionist:Oh, I'm sorry. Bonanza.

George:Look at this building. The windows are completely asymmetrical. And the brick pattern—who uses a running bond on the east side and a stack bond on the west? It's architectural schizophrenia.

Kramer:George, it's a building.

George:It's a DISASTER.

George:This is a beautiful place. Look at this sunken living room.

George:Wait a minute... one step? That's not sunken. That's just a step down.

George:Jerry's got celebrity addresses. He's got them all.

Jerry:I don't have celebrity addresses.

George:Yes you do. You're always talking about running into celebrities.

Jerry:That's not the same thing as having their addresses.

George:Well, you should get them. You could... you know, just show up at their houses.

Jerry:Why would I do that?

George:I don't know. Marlon Brando's got some... problems...

George:So what shows are you watching these days?

Russell:Well, I've been enjoying that new show on Tuesday nights.

George:Tuesday? I thought your show was on Wednesday.

Russell:No, no, it's Tuesday. I'm the president of NBC. I think I know when my own show airs.

George:Oh. Right. Of course.

George:Well, you know, I've been thinking about it, and maybe I was too hasty...

George:I mean, the original offer—that was actually pretty good.

George:You know, I negotiated myself down to $35,000 a year. I'm very proud of that.

George:You know, I've been thinking about taking that job for even less money.

George:So, uh, those are some shoes you're wearing. How often do you... polish them?

George:You're being completely unreasonable! This is ridiculous!

Seller:Unreasonable? You just offered me fifty percent more than I'm asking!

George:Yeah, well that's beside the point!

Kramer:I'll have a decaf cappuccino.

Dr. Reston:Decaf? That's very popular these days.

Kramer:Yeah, well, I'm very popular these days.

Dr. Reston:You know, decaf doesn't have any caffeine. It's just hot milk.

Kramer:No caffeine? What's the point?

Kramer:You remember me, don't you, doc? We met before.

Dr. Reston:I'm sorry, I don't recall.

Kramer:Sure you do. I'm unforgettable. I'm like Mount Rushmore.

Dr. Reston:I really don't remember you.

Kramer:Bust this!

Jerry:So you're not interested in going out with me?

Cashier:No, actually I think I'd rather go out with your Uncle Leo.

Jerry:Uncle Leo? He's seventy years old!

Cashier:Yeah, but at least he has a full head of hair.

Gail:You know, fish are like people.

Jerry:How so?

Gail:Well, if they didn't swim, they'd drown.

Jerry:That's... that's not insight, that's just describing what a fish is.

Kramer:I went to see the psychiatrist like you said.

Jerry:Yeah? How'd it go?

Kramer:Well, I fell in love with her.

Jerry:You fell in love with the psychiatrist?

Kramer:Yeah, she's wonderful, Jerry. We're getting married.

Jerry:Why is a psychiatrist's hour only 45 minutes?

Jerry:I think the psychiatrist goes, 'Alright, that's it. Time's up. Your childhood trauma will have to wait until next week.'

Jerry:I'm picturing him at lunch with other psychiatrists: 'You would not believe what this guy told me. His mother was cold to him. COLD!'

Jerry:'And get this—he wets the bed. A grown man!'

Jerry:You know what? Ted Danson. That's who's responsible for this.

Morty:Ted Danson? What does Ted Danson have to do with George's deal?

Jerry:Nothing. Absolutely nothing. But he's too likeable. He's making it impossible for anyone else to get on television.

Helen:That's ridiculous.

Jerry:Is it? Is it really?

George:I went into that meeting and I said to them, 'I'm out there Jerry and I'm loving every minute of it.' And they said, 'Who is this?' I said, 'My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.'

Jerry:And they hired you?

George:My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents. And it worked.

Morty:You know, Frank, the key to any negotiation is you gotta know when to walk away.

Frank:Walk away? Why would I walk away?

Morty:Because if you don't walk away, you got no leverage!

Frank:I'm not walking away from anything. I'm sitting right here.

Morty:It's not literal, Frank. It's a negotiating tactic.

Frank:Oh. Well, why didn't you say so?

Morty:You know, George, I've been in the fabric business for thirty-five years. I've negotiated with the best. And I'm telling you, you negotiated like Superman in that backwards world.

Jerry:My father, he doesn't want to take money from me directly. So I have to create this whole elaborate scheme. I slip it to him like he won it or found it. I'll leave cash on his chair and tell him, 'Dad, I think the mailman left this.' He's suspicious, but he takes it.

Jerry:Women have those sections in their wallets where they keep pictures. They have like... a whole photo gallery in there.

Jerry:Men don't do that. A man has one photo. Maybe two. His kids, that's it.

Jerry:A woman will show you pictures for forty-five minutes. 'This is my cousin... this is my cousin's friend... this is someone I went to camp with in 1987...'

Jerry:By the time she's done, you feel like you've been through an entire civilization. You know their genealogy, their occupations, what they had for lunch.

Jerry:I mean, who keeps photos in their wallet anymore? I've got a picture of my girlfriend from 1987 in here. She's got a perm. A perm! I'm pretty sure she's not even the same person anymore.

Jerry:And here's my brother Frank from a camping trip. He's wearing shorts that haven't been in style since the Carter administration. I'm not even sure those shorts exist anymore.

Jerry:Oh, and this gem — me with a full head of hair and a Members Only jacket. I don't know who that guy is.

Jerry:So I get pulled over, the cop comes up to the window, 'License and registration.' I give it to him. He looks at it, looks at me, and says, 'Do you know why I pulled you over?' I say, 'No, officer, I have no idea.' He says, 'I'm gonna need you to step out of the car.' So I step out. He says, 'Put your hands on the hood.' I put my hands on the hood. He pats me down, checks my pockets... and then he says, 'Alright, we're gonna do a routine pal check.' I'm like, 'A routine pal check? What is that?' He says, 'Yeah, we gotta make sure you're still a pal.' He asks me a few questions, I answer 'em correctly, and he says, 'Alright, you're still a pal. You're free to go.' Just like that. A routine pal check. That should be a real thing.