The Wife

Jerry:You ever notice how when you take something to the dry cleaners, it's like you're entering into a relationship with them? You're like, 'I'm trusting you with my clothes.' And they're like, 'Yeah, we got it.' But you never really know if they're gonna take care of it. It could come back shrunk, it could come back with a stain, it could come back a completely different color. You're basically in a committed relationship with the dry cleaners. You're sharing ownership of your clothes!

Jerry:So now you're shopping with your dry cleaner? You're at the Gap together, you're picking out shirts?

Jerry:He's like, 'No, that color makes you look washed out.' You're like, 'You know what? You're right. You ARE my dry cleaner.'

Jerry:You know what warning label people actually respect? Dry clean only. That's it. That's the one. You could have a label that says 'Warning: this garment will kill you,' people are like, 'Eh, I'll take my chances.' But dry clean only? Nobody touches it. You could leave that shirt on a bench in the middle of the ghetto, it would be there for three years. 'Don't worry, it says dry clean only.'

Jerry:People are very reverent about clothing care instructions. They treat them like they're from God. 'Dry clean only.' Like if you put it in the washing machine, the sweater's gonna call your house and go, 'What did you do?! I was dry clean only!'

Jerry:You're taking up the whole bed!

Elaine:I need my space when I sleep.

Jerry:Your space? I'm hanging off the edge with one cheek on the mattress!

Elaine:Then get a bigger bed.

Jerry:I have a bigger bed. You somehow expand to fill it. You're like a gas.

Jerry:I love you.

Elaine:I love you too.

Jerry:That's one-one.

Elaine:What are you talking about? That's two-one, my way.

Jerry:No, no, no. You can't count the first one. That was a throwaway 'I love you.'

Elaine:A throwaway? There's no such thing as a throwaway 'I love you.' All 'I love yous' count.

Jerry:That's not true. That was clearly a throwaway.

Jerry:You know what I realized? We keep score in relationships like it's a sport. She says 'I love you,' I say 'I love you too.' But inside I'm thinking, 'That's one for her.'

George:What are you talking about?

Jerry:I'm saying, every romantic gesture is a point. Who's ahead? Who's winning? It's like tennis, but with feelings.

George:So what happens when it's tied?

Jerry:Deuce. It's always deuce.

Jerry:I'm wearing sweatpants. You know what that tells the world? 'I've given up.' I'm basically dressed like an unemployed actor.

Elaine:What is this fabric? It's so expensive!

Jerry:It's Gore-Tex.

Jerry:You know what bothers me? When couples dress alike. The matching outfits, the coordinated colors...

Elaine:What are you talking about?

Jerry:It's like they're one person. They lose their identity. They become a unit.

Elaine:So?

Jerry:So? We're ordering the same breakfast. We're becoming one of those couples.

Elaine:We're not dressing alike.

Jerry:It's the same principle. We're matching. Eggs and toast, eggs and toast. Next thing you know, we'll be finishing each other's sentences.

Elaine:You know what? Fine. Pancakes. I'll eat pancakes.

Jerry:Oh, that's great. That moves you up to a 7.

Jerry:What is this?

Kramer:It's syrup.

Jerry:Where did you get it?

Kramer:I made it.

Jerry:You made syrup?

Kramer:Yeah. It's all about the temperature and the timing. You gotta know when to pull it off the heat.

Jerry:Look at this picture I found in my locket.

Dry Cleaner:That's my son! I've been looking for him for thirty years!

Jerry:Your son? He's been dead for thirty years.

Dry Cleaner:You find your wife's locket, I give you 10% off your next cleaning.

Dry Cleaner:That's what I can do.

Elaine:Wait, you get a discount? What discount?

Jerry:Well, the guy said if I was married, I'd get a discount on the dry cleaning.

Elaine:Married? You're not married.

Jerry:I know, but he just assumed.

Elaine:Well, what if I said I was your wife? Would I get the discount?

Jerry:I don't think that's how it works.

Elaine:Why not? I could be your wife. We could split the savings. That's what married people do.

Jerry:I'd like you to meet my wife, Newtia.

Other:Newtia? That's an unusual name.

Jerry:It's a combination. My name is Jerry, her name is Olivia. Jerry... Olivia... Newtia.

Jerry:My wife, she spends money like it's going out of style. I'm telling you, our credit card bills are insane.

Elaine:Well, maybe she's just trying to keep up with inflation.

Jerry:That's funny. That's actually funny.

Jerry:Marriage is great! It's wonderful! You know, people say marriage is hard work, but they're wrong. It's the best thing that ever happened to me.

Jerry:I mean, think about it - you get to spend every single day with your best friend. Every meal together, every night, every morning. What could be better than that?

George:So you ran the marathon?

Greg:Well, I didn't exactly run it. I walked most of it.

George:You walked the marathon?

Greg:Yeah, I trained for months. I ran every single day.

George:Every single day? For months?

Greg:Well, actually just that one day. The day of the marathon.

George:Take off? What do you mean, take off?

Greg:I'm a pilot. I have to take off.

George:You're taking off your clothes right here?

George:What time is it?

Greg:It's 2:47.

George:2:47? How do you know it's exactly 2:47?

Greg:I'm a pilot. We have to be precise about time.

Elaine:Can I have some syrup?

Greg:You want to try my special syrup?

Elaine:No, I just want syrup.

Greg:Nobody just wants syrup. They want to try my special syrup.

Jerry:She's my wife.

Elaine:He's my husband.

Jerry:What is this? You're toasting me with 'adoring'? I wanted 'handsome.' 'Adoring' is what you say about a cocker spaniel.

Elaine:Well, you are adoring.

Jerry:I don't want to be adoring! I want to be handsome, mysterious, intriguing. Adoring is for golden retrievers and infants.

Restaurant manager:You can't bring outside syrup in here. That's contraband. I'm going to have to confiscate that.

Manager:Jerry, we need to talk about the syrup incident.

Jerry:Oh, that? That was my wife. She did that. I had nothing to do with it.

Manager:Your wife?

Jerry:Yeah, completely out of control. I apologize on her behalf.

Kramer:What discount?

Jerry:I don't know, some kind of senior citizen discount or something.

Kramer:Senior citizen? I'm not a senior citizen!

Jerry:Well, you have to be a certain age.

Kramer:How much is the discount?

Jerry:I think it's like ten percent.

Kramer:Ten percent?! I want that discount!

Jerry:You know what's great about marriage? You get to wake up every morning and know exactly what's going to happen. There's no mystery, no surprise, no danger. It's like watching a rerun of a show you've already seen.

Jerry:But dating? Dating is the real thing. Dating is the adventure. And yet here I am, more excited about this fake marriage scenario than I ever was about any actual date.

Jerry:The irony is just killing me.

Jerry:I have this thing now where I just want to say 'my wife.' Like, 'My wife, she does this thing...' or 'My wife hates when I...' I don't even have a wife! But I love saying it.

Jerry:So yesterday I'm at the coffee shop, and some guy next to me sneezes. And I turn to him and I go, 'My wife, she had an inner ear infection once.' And he just stares at me.

Kramer:Jerry, I need you to take my quilt to the cleaners.

Jerry:Why do I have to take your quilt to the cleaners?

Kramer:Because you're my fake husband.

Jerry:I'm not your fake husband.

Kramer:Yes you are. You're everyone's fake husband.

Jerry:I am not everyone's fake husband!

Kramer:So if I ever propose to you, and you say no, I have a backup plan.

Elaine:What backup plan?

Kramer:I ask you again in six months.

Elaine:Well, I have a counteroffer. You propose to me, I'll say yes, we'll be engaged for 50 years, and then we'll get married.

Elaine:It's a kiss where you kind of bite their lip a little bit.

Jerry:That's not a kiss, that's a snack.

Elaine:No, it's very sensual. You bite, then you kiss, then you bite again.

Jerry:That's not sensual, that's a chew toy.

Elaine:It was like a technical kiss. No lips, no nothing.

Jerry:Was there any moisture?

Jerry:So you're telling me you're going to categorize every kiss? Like it's some kind of scientific study?

Elaine:Well, yes. The kiss on the cheek, that's friendly. The kiss on the lips, that's romantic. The kiss on the forehead, that's paternal.

Jerry:What about the kiss on the neck?

Elaine:That's... that's passionate.

Jerry:And you're keeping notes?

Elaine:Charts. I have charts.

Jerry:So you're not interested in what I have to say?

Elaine:No, I respect that you're ignoring me.

George:So there I am, in the middle of this conversation...

Jerry:Oh no. Where is this going?

George:And I realize I have to sneeze.

Jerry:Just sneeze, George.

George:I can't! There's a woman right there. So I'm holding it in, and I'm turning red, and my eyes are watering...

Jerry:This better not be what I think it is.

George:So I finally let it out, and—

George:I'm in the shower, I'm washing, and suddenly I feel this... urge. And I think to myself, 'No, George, not now. You're in the shower.'

Jerry:What did you do?

George:What do you mean what did I do? I did it. I'm in the shower!

Jerry:In the shower?

George:It goes right down the drain!

Jerry:You eat your cereal with orange juice?

George:Why not? It's juice, it's liquid. A lot of people do it.

George:I'm asking you, do you take showers?

Jerry:Yes.

George:Do you ever urinate in the shower?

Jerry:I mean, I'm not gonna lie to you, it's never crossed my mind.

George:Really?

Jerry:No.

George:You never thought about it?

Jerry:No.

George:It's one of the great mysteries of life, I don't know anybody that does it.

Elaine:I take baths.

George:I'm not sick! I just have a very strict code. I don't urinate in the shower. It's unsanitary.

Jerry:George, everyone urinates in the shower.

George:Not me. I have a system. I wake up, I go to the bathroom, I urinate, then I shower. It's called order.

Jerry:What if you're already in the shower?

George:I get out. I go to the bathroom. I come back in. It's a process, but it works for me.

Jerry:Why don't you just tell her the truth?

George:The truth? Jerry, I'm reading about a condition in the American Journal of Medicine. It says here that certain men have a psychological block that prevents them from... you know.

Jerry:You're making that up.

George:I'm not making it up! It's right here. 'Fear of inadequacy syndrome.' Very common. I could have that.

Jerry:So what you're saying is, if someone wrote in a medical journal that they cured cancer with a ham sandwich, that would be legitimate medical advice?

George:It was in a journal!

Jerry:A journal is just a book, George. Anyone can write anything in a book. I could write 'George Costanza cured my erectile dysfunction' in a journal, that doesn't make it true!

Elaine:I was at the coffee shop, but then I had to go to the dry cleaners, and then I stopped by the bank to deposit a check, and then I realized I was hungry so I went to get a sandwich, and THEN I remembered I needed to pick up my prescription at the pharmacy, and by the time I got out of there it was too late.

Uncle Leo:You're married?!

Jerry:Yeah, Uncle Leo, I got married.

Uncle Leo:When did this happen? Why didn't anybody tell me?

Uncle Leo:You're getting married and you didn't tell me? Your own uncle!

Jerry:Uncle Leo, I was going to tell you.

Uncle Leo:When? At the wedding? I have to hear it from Cousin Jeffrey? I'm family, Jerry. Your blood!

Jerry:Uncle Leo, come on.

Uncle Leo:No, don't 'come on' me. I'm hurt. I'm very hurt. Do you know what this does to me?

Uncle Leo:I'm a good uncle! I give gifts, I call, I show interest in your life.

Jerry:Uncle Leo, you're a terrible uncle.

Uncle Leo:What are you talking about? Remember that letter you wrote me? The one with all the V's in it? You formed those V's beautifully. I showed it to everyone at the coffee shop.

Greg:Can you pick up some olives for me?

Elaine:Olives? You're asking me to pick up olives? That's so romantic!

Greg:It's just olives.

Elaine:No one has ever asked me to get olives before. This means something.

Greg:You look amazing today.

Elaine:Oh please, I look like I've been dragged through a hedge backwards. Now me yesterday? That was something special.

Greg:I had this dream last night.

Elaine:Oh yeah? What was it about?

Greg:Well, I was at this party, and suddenly everyone turned into pretzels.

Elaine:Pretzels? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. You know what? I'm breaking up with you.

Greg:I saw George with his hand in the cookie jar.

Elaine:What? You're going to report him?

Greg:You bet I am. He's going down.

Jerry:Elaine, could you get me a drink?

Elaine:Why don't you get it yourself?

Jerry:I'm comfortable.

Jerry:Where's the can opener?

Elaine:I don't know, where did you last have it?

Jerry:If I knew that, I wouldn't be asking you.

Elaine:Well maybe if you actually kept track of things instead of just leaving them everywhere...

Jerry:Oh, so now it's my fault? You're the one who borrowed it last.

Elaine:I borrowed it? I never borrowed your can opener!

Jerry:Yes you did. Three weeks ago. For the beans.

Elaine:Those weren't my beans, Jerry. Those were your beans!

Jerry:They were in your apartment!

Elaine:Because you left them there!

Elaine:I'm not stupid, I just made a mistake.

Jerry:Well, if you weren't stupid, you wouldn't have made the mistake. So logically, you are stupid.

Jerry:So I told her we should get married.

Morty:You're getting married?!

Helen:Oh my God, Jerry, that's wonderful!

Morty:When's the wedding? We have to tell everyone!

Jerry:Whoa, whoa, whoa - she hasn't even said yes yet.

Helen:She'll say yes! Of course she'll say yes!

Jerry:I have something to tell you. I got married.

Morty:You're married?!

Helen:To who?

Jerry:Well, I'm not actually married. I just told people I was married to get a discount on a car rental.

Morty:You lied about being married for a car rental discount?

Jerry:It was a really good discount!

Elaine:Oh, you're giving up? Well, that's great! That's just wonderful! I'm so proud of you right now.

Jerry:What do you want me to do?

Elaine:I want you to try! I want you to care! But no, it's easier just to give up, isn't it?

Kramer:I can't sleep, Jerry. I've been up for three days.

Jerry:Three days? What happened to your quilt?

Kramer:That's the thing - I don't have it anymore. And without it, I can't fall asleep. I lie there, I toss and turn, my mind races. I think about everything - my childhood, my regrets, that time I wore a bro. And then I get hungry, so I go to the kitchen, but there's nothing good to eat. So I stand there in the dark, staring into the refrigerator like it's going to tell me the meaning of life. And by the time I close the door, I've forgotten why I opened it in the first place.

Jerry:I love you.

Elaine:I love you too.

Jerry:Well, this is weird.

Elaine:Yeah, we never say that.

Elaine:So if he wipes the bottle, he's not interested. If he doesn't wipe the bottle, he likes you?

Jerry:Exactly.

Elaine:That's insane.

Jerry:It's not insane. It means he wants your germs. He's attracted to you.

Jerry:So you're telling me that wiping off a bottle is a bigger sign of affection than kissing?

George:Absolutely. If a woman wipes off a bottle for you, she's thinking about your welfare. Kissing could mean anything.

Elaine:That's insane. Wiping off a bottle is hygiene, not romance.

Jerry:But George has a point. She's protecting you from germs. That's love.

George:Exactly! It's the small gestures that matter.

Jerry:You just want to see him because he's unavailable.

Elaine:That is not true!

Elaine:Okay, maybe a little.

Jerry:You can't just mix the pipes like that!

George:Why not? They're all pipes.

Jerry:That's not how plumbing works, George.

George:I'm telling you, a pipe is a pipe. Hot water, cold water—it's all the same to the pipe.

George:You want professional confirmation? I'll get you professional confirmation. I know a guy.

Jerry:You look a little pale.

Kramer:Pale? I can't look pale! I'm meeting her parents!

Jerry:My quilt has to be ready by Friday. It's a quilt, for crying out loud. How long can it possibly take?

Dry Cleaner:Sir, a quilt is not a simple garment. It requires special handling, careful cleaning—

Jerry:Special handling? It's a quilt! My grandmother made it in an afternoon!

Dry Cleaner:When do you need it?

Jerry:Friday!

Dry Cleaner:That is two days away.

Jerry:Exactly! Two days! How is that not enough time?

Dry Cleaner:Why are you in such a rush with a quilt?

Jerry:Well, you see, when someone does something inconsiderate, even something small, it's like they're declaring war on civility itself. So naturally, I have to respond with proportional aggression to maintain the social contract.

Kramer:Jerry, I'm telling you, I gotta maintain the glow. You know what I'm saying? The glow is everything.

Jerry:Kramer, you're gonna kill yourself with those tanning beds.

Kramer:I don't care! You think Fabio worries about skin cancer? No! He's got the glow, and that's all that matters.

Woman:How much is it to clean this shirt?

Dry Cleaner:Five dollars.

Woman:Five dollars?! That's outrageous! I can't afford that!

George:I'm next on the tanning bed.

George:I've been waiting for twenty minutes.

Greg:Oh, you want it? It's all yours.

Elaine:So what did Greg say?

George:Nothing! He just stood there. He didn't even wipe the sweat off his forehead.

Elaine:So?

George:So? That's romantic! He's not wiping the sweat. He wants me to see him sweat. He's confident!

Elaine:You can't just call someone back after you've already hung up on them. That's a rule.

George:Well, what if I call Greg back right now and hang up on him again? Then we're even.

George:Sweat is a sign of passion! It means I care!

Elaine:Oh, that's beautiful, George. You know what? I'm going to give you a used Kleenex for Valentine's Day.

George:A used Kleenex?

Elaine:Yeah, it shows I care. It's got my DNA all over it.

George:You gotta threaten him. Tell him you'll report him for shower urination.

Elaine:Shower urination?

George:Yeah, he'll get suspended for shower urination.

Woman:Could you give me a discount? I'm a little short on cash.

Jerry:No.

Elaine:How could you do this to me? After everything we've been through!

Jerry:I know, I know. I never meant to hurt you.

Dry cleaner:Excuse me, do you want starch in the shirt or no starch?

Jerry:Medium starch.

Elaine:Medium starch?! That's what you're worried about right now?

George:You're not going to say anything to her, are you?

Greg:Well, I have to report it. It's the right thing to do.

Elaine:Yeah, but she's really attractive.

Greg:I know. That's why I'm reporting it.

Elaine:I've been engaged for 50 years.

Greg:I'm going to report George for violating company policy.

Elaine:Oh really? Well, maybe I should report you for that time you were looking at adult websites on the company computer.

Greg:That was... that was different.

Elaine:Different how? A violation is a violation.

Greg:Wait a minute... you're the same person who took a shower in my apartment!

Elaine:Well, at least that shower had a drain.

Dry Cleaner:These are not your wife's clothes.

Jerry:What do you mean? Of course they are.

Dry Cleaner:No, no. These belong to another woman.

Jerry:That's impossible. My wife brought them in.

Dry Cleaner:Your wife? This is not your wife's size. This is much smaller.

Jerry:Well, maybe she's on a diet.

Elaine:Wait, you're having an affair?

Jerry:No, no, it's not like that—

Elaine:That's it. I want a divorce.

Jerry:Elaine, we're not even married!

Elaine:Well, we are now. And now we're getting divorced.

Elaine:You're only getting divorced because of the money, aren't you?

Jerry:Well, yeah. What else would I get divorced for?

Elaine:So what are we doing here?

Jerry:Well, that's the thing about marriage. It's not a relationship, it's a sentence.

Elaine:It's my fault. I take full responsibility for this marriage.

Jerry:Well, I have to tell you something. I've been seeing someone else.

Elaine:What?!

Jerry:Yeah, every Thursday night I go to the movies with my mother. I know it's wrong, but I just can't help myself.

Elaine:Jerry, I'm returning your syrup.

Jerry:My syrup? That's my syrup.

Elaine:Well, I borrowed it.

Jerry:You know, in divorce proceedings, the judge would consider this a very generous gesture.

Jerry:We'll always have the Upper West Side.

Elaine:We'll always have Monk's.

Anna's parent:What happened to you?

Kramer:What do you mean? I'm tan.

Anna's parent:You look like a chestnut.

Jerry:You know what they say about marriage? You gotta do it every day. Every day! Like it's a job. 'Did you do your marriage today?' 'No, I'm gonna do it tomorrow.' 'No! Every day! That's the rule!'

Jerry:You know, marriage is like a major purchase. You wouldn't just walk into a store and buy something without reading the contract, checking the warranty, looking at the return policy. But that's what people do with marriage. They just jump in!

Jerry:You should be able to take marriage back. 'I'd like to return this. It's not working out. No, I don't have the receipt, but I've got the certificate right here.'

Jerry:Marriage is like an extended warranty. You know, it's a good idea at the time, but then something goes wrong and you wish you hadn't bought it.

George:That's ridiculous. Marriage isn't like an extended warranty.

Jerry:No? You make a commitment, you think everything's going to be fine, then six months later the transmission goes out.

Kramer:I never buy the extended warranty.

Jerry:Exactly! And you know what happens? Your marriage breaks down, you got no coverage.

Jerry:You know, it's like buying a car. The moment you drive it off the lot, it loses value. Same thing happens with marriage.