The Lip Reader

Jerry:You know what I think? I think the players don't even know the crowd is there. I think they could be playing in front of thousands of people or nobody, they wouldn't know the difference. That's why everyone has to be so quiet — the players might think they're alone!

Jerry:So by that logic, if no one's watching, the game doesn't exist. The players are just out there playing for nobody.

George:Exactly!

Jerry:So what if everyone stops going to games? Do the teams just disappear?

George:Poof! Gone. They're erased from existence.

Kramer:That's why you gotta go to the games, Jerry. You're keeping them alive!

Jerry:Tennis is just a game where two people stand on opposite ends of a court and hit a ball back and forth. You know what that is? That's not a sport, that's a couple having a really long argument.

Jerry:You know what's confusing about tennis scoring? They say '30-love.' Love? Who came up with that? In what sport do you want your opponent to love you? 'Yeah, I'm down 0-30, but at least he loves me.'

Jerry:You know what I love about tennis? The terminology. '30-love.' That sounds like something you'd hear in a brothel in London.

Jerry:'Thirty love, guv'nor. That'll be fifty quid.'

George:These are great seats! These are really great seats! You know what? I'm gonna remember these seats for the rest of my life. When I'm on my deathbed, I'm gonna think about these seats.

George:I need a higher SPF sunblock. I'm very fair-skinned.

Elaine:How high?

George:SPF 100.

Elaine:SPF 100? George, they don't make SPF 100.

George:Well, they should. I'm telling you, I need it. One time I was out in the sun for twenty minutes, I looked like Mercury.

Elaine:Mercury?

George:The planet. Gray.

George:PABA? What is PABA? I need to know what PABA is.

Elaine:It's just an ingredient in sunscreen, George.

George:Just an ingredient? JUST an ingredient? Do you know what PABA does to the skin? I read about PABA. PABA is poison.

Elaine:It's not poison.

George:You don't know that. Nobody knows that. They're putting PABA on people and we don't even know the long-term effects. In fifty years, everyone's going to have PABA poisoning.

Elaine:What do you know about PABA?

George:PABA? Para-aminobenzoic acid. It's a B vitamin. It's in sunscreen.

Elaine:That's wrong.

George:No, I'm pretty sure that's right.

Elaine:It's not a B vitamin.

George:Well, whether it's a B vitamin or not, it's definitely in sunscreen.

George:I'm bringing Gwen to a party.

Jerry:You can't bring a date to a party. Parties are where you go when you can't get a date. It's like bringing a chess set to a strip club.

Jerry:I'm telling you, there's a whole system to this dating thing. It's all about the party date theory.

Jerry:You take a girl to a party, you introduce her around, suddenly you're a guy with a girlfriend.

Jerry:It's like J. Edgar Hoover. Nobody knew who he was until he showed up at a party with a dress on.

George:What are you talking about? Hoover?

Jerry:Yeah, you know, J. Edgar Hoover. He was a cross-dresser.

George:So?

Jerry:So? So he was the head of the FBI in a dress!

Jerry:Look at her.

George:Where?

Jerry:Right there, the blonde in the blue dress.

George:Oh yeah, she's beautiful.

Jerry:That's not her.

George:You know what we should call her? BL. Beautiful Lineswoman.

Jerry:BL? That's what you're going with?

George:What? It works!

George:Jerry, Jerry! Hey, you want to go to the concession stand?

George:Jerry?

George:Hello?

Jerry:...

Elaine:I don't want to talk to cab drivers. I just want to sit there quietly and go to my destination. But they always want to chat. It's like they think we're friends or something. I don't need that social component. I'm paying you to drive, not to be my therapist.

Elaine:You know what I've been thinking? Horses. We should all just go back to riding horses everywhere.

Jerry:Horses? Why?

Elaine:Because then you wouldn't have to talk to anyone! You'd just be on your horse, alone, going where you need to go. No drivers, no conversation, no eye contact.

Jerry:So you want to go back to the 1800s just to avoid small talk?

Elaine:I'm not saying it's crazy, but I'm not NOT saying it either.

TV Announcer:We're getting reports that George Costanza is sweating through his shirt.

TV Announcer:He appears to be very uncomfortable on camera.

TV Announcer:Well, here we see George Costanza, eating like a man who's never seen food before. Perhaps he's heard of napkins?

Cab Driver:You read books?

Passenger:Yeah, I read.

Cab Driver:I don't read. I tried reading once. Couldn't do it. My mind kept wandering. So now when I want to relax, I just sit in the car, turn off the engine, and think about how I'm not reading.

Cab Driver:You know what I do to relax? Word puzzles. Crosswords, anagrams, you name it. Keeps the mind sharp.

Cab Driver:So I'm thinking, why not make a game out of it? Something people would pay for.

Cab Driver:I call it 'Wordmaster.' You get letters, you make words, whoever makes the most words wins.

Cab Driver:It's genius! It's relaxing AND competitive. What do you think?

Elaine:I'm sorry, I can't hear you. I've gone deaf.

Cab Driver:What?

Cab Driver:Do you have a hearing aid?

Elaine:Fearing AIDS? No, I'm very careful.

Jerry:Approaching a woman is like fire walking. You have to commit fully or you'll get burned.

George:There's one key difference though.

Jerry:What's that?

George:With fire walking, some people actually make it across.

George:I'm telling you, Jerry, once you get confident with women, you're gonna leave me behind. You're gonna move to Confidence City and I'm gonna be stuck here in Insecurity Town.

Jerry:George, Confidence City isn't a real place.

George:Well, it should be! And there's probably a bridge between the two towns, and you're gonna burn it behind you!

Jerry:You know, if you tried the opposite, if every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.

George:I'm out there Jerry and I'm lovin' some of these broads!

Jerry:Are you?

George:Yeah, they're not pretty, they're not smart, but their all sweet. What's not to love?

Dispatcher:We have a pickup for you.

Cab Driver:Where?

Dispatcher:Upper West Side.

Elaine:Wait, who is it?

Dispatcher:Tom Hanks.

Elaine:Tom Hanks?! Oh my God!

Cab Driver:You can't hear me, right? You can't hear me!

Elaine:What?

Cab Driver:You heard that! You heard that! You're faking it!

Cab Driver:You're not deaf! You were just ignoring me because you thought you were too good for me!

Cab Driver:You lied to me! You said you were going to the airport!

Elaine:I know, I'm sorry, I just—

Cab Driver:Tom Hanks would never do this. Tom Hanks is honest. Tom Hanks is a good man.

Jerry:Excuse me, miss? You know, you'd be really attractive if you weren't doing this job.

Jerry:What, are you deaf?

Jerry:Oh my God, she's deaf.

Kramer:Yeah, I know sign language. I learned it as a kid.

Jerry:You know sign language?

Kramer:Yeah, I'm a little rusty though.

Elaine:I'm very sensitive to people's needs and feelings. I would never intentionally hurt anyone. But sometimes people are just freaks, you know? I mean, we're all freaks in our own way.

Elaine:You have to be considerate to freaks.

Kramer:Well, yeah, I mean, they're people too.

Kramer:I'm gonna be a ball boy.

Jerry:You can't be a ball boy. You have to be a boy.

Kramer:Age discrimination! That's what this is!

Jerry:You know, Kramer, I think you should go for it. You've got the passion, you've got the dedication. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't be a ball man.

Kramer:Really?

Jerry:Yeah, I mean, you'd be breaking the color barrier.

Elaine:You should see him on TV. He's like a caveman. He's shoveling food into his mouth like he's never eaten before. There's pieces flying everywhere. He's got sauce all over his face, his shirt, his hands. It's like watching someone eat in fast-forward. And the worst part? He keeps talking with his mouth full, so food is just spraying out. It's absolutely disgusting.

Gwen:It's not you, it's me.

George:No, no, no, no, no. I'm using that line! I've used that line more than anyone in the history of dating. Nobody uses that line better than me. I've perfected it. It's the only line that works. You can't use my line!

George:You know what? I don't want you to hold back. I want you to tell me exactly what you think of me. Be direct.

Gwen:You're the problem.

George:Finally! Someone who tells it like it is!

George:She used my line on me! 'It's not you, it's me.' She said it first!

Jerry:So what's the problem?

George:What do you mean 'what's the problem?' That's my line! I've been perfecting that line for years!

Jerry:George, it's not a patent.

George:It should be! I'm going to call my lawyer. This is intellectual property theft!

Kramer:Yeah, I saw that. They were like, 'Look at this guy, he's eating like an animal!'

George:They were mocking me! On television!

Kramer:Well, what did you expect? You had food all over your face.

Kramer:Look at you, you're like a barbarian!

Jerry:You really think she'd break up with you over that?

George:Are you kidding? I'd break up with me over that.

Kramer:He was on for like, what, two minutes?

Jerry:Two minutes? That's a long time to be on camera.

Kramer:I was counting. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi...

Jerry:You were counting Mississippis?

Kramer:Yeah, and eating a sandwich. One Mississippi, *takes bite*, two Mississippi, *takes bite*...

George:So we're both going to the party. What do we do?

Jerry:You just act normal. You saw each other, you said hello.

George:Normal? Jerry, there's nothing normal about this. We need rules. Structure. This is like the UN. We need a buffer zone.

Jerry:A buffer zone?

George:At least fifteen feet at all times. And we don't make eye contact. If we're in the same room, I'm looking at the left wall, she's looking at the right wall.

Jerry:George, you're not negotiating a peace treaty.

George:Aren't I? Because one wrong move, one accidental brush of the shoulders, and this whole thing blows up. We need something in writing. A signed agreement.

Jerry:So there's etiquette about who should withdraw from the relationship first?

George:Of course! The person who initiates the breakup is the 'breaker' and the person being broken up with is the 'breakee.'

Jerry:The 'breakee'? That's ridiculous.

George:What? It's a perfectly good term! You got your breaker and your breakee.

Elaine:You can't just break up with someone over the phone. That's brutal.

Jerry:Why not? It's faster.

Elaine:It's cowardly. You have to do it in person.

Jerry:So what, I'm supposed to fly across the country to break up with someone face to face?

Elaine:It's the decent thing to do.

George:I once broke up with a girl by leaving a note on her answering machine.

Elaine:That's despicable!

George:I was in a hurry.

Jerry:You know what the problem is? There's no rules anymore. It's like war - all is fair in love and dating.

Kramer:Retreat is not an option.

George:These pretzels are making me thirsty.

George:These pretzels are making me thirsty.

George:These pretzels are making me thirsty.

Jerry:So what are you doing tonight?

George:I'm going home, I'm going to sit on my couch, eat some cookies, watch some TV, maybe call a woman if I get the urge.

Jerry:That's it?

George:What do you want from me? I'm a simple man with simple needs.

George:You see, the problem with us was the concession stand. She wanted popcorn, I wanted candy. We couldn't agree on anything. It's a relationship killer.

George:What are you doing? Are you trying to tell me something?

Laura:No, I'm just...

George:Because I'm telling you, if you're going to speak to me in sign language, you're going to have to slow down. I have no idea what you're saying.

Laura:He's saying... 'It's not you, it's me.'

Jerry:That's the line! That's the line George came up with!

Elaine:He's using George's line?

Jerry:It's everywhere now. Everyone's using it.

George:Wait a minute. You can read lips?

Laura:Yes.

George:Do you know what this means? We could go to restaurants, sit at other tables, find out what people are ordering before we order. We'd always know what's good!

George:Or we could go to a movie, sit behind the studio executives, find out what they're working on before anyone else knows!

George:This is gold, Jerry! Gold!

George:I could use Laura to lip read. I could find out what people are saying about me.

Jerry:That's like having a secret spy.

George:Exactly!

Jerry:You'd be like Carnac the Magnificent, except instead of predicting the future, you'd be finding out what people think of you behind your back.

George:What's the big deal? So she's got one arm. You know, I once knew a guy who could tie his shoes with his teeth. Nobody made a fuss about that. In fact, we thought it was pretty cool. So this woman, she's got one arm - that's her thing. That's her talent. We all got something we're good at. I'm good at taking naps. You're good at complaining. She's good at... doing everything with one arm. It's not a disability, it's a skill!

Jerry:Look, I know this is a lot to ask, but George really needs—

Laura:Yes.

Jerry:You didn't even let me finish.

Laura:I know what you're going to say, and the answer is yes.

Jerry:I'll pick you up at 6.

Laura:6?

Ball boy coordinator:You're a little old for this, aren't you?

Kramer:I'm spry! I'm very spry!

Jerry:She thought I said something completely different. I said, 'I'd like to get your number,' and she heard, 'I'd like to get you numb-er.' Like I was trying to make her more numb!

George:What are you talking about? There's a big difference!

Jerry:Oh, there's a big difference? Let me show you the difference.

Jerry:(demonstrates with exaggerated mouth positions) See? This is a smile. This is a smirk. This is a sneer. This is a grimace.

Kramer:I was great at it. I mean, I was going after balls all day long. I was diving for balls, I was stretching for balls. My leg was up here, my arm was over there.

Jerry:You know what lip reading is? It's a superpower. I mean, think about it. You're sitting across from someone, you can't hear them, but you know exactly what they're saying. That's incredible.

Jerry:But here's the thing — nobody uses it for good. Nobody's like, 'I'm going to use my lip reading powers to help people.' No, the first thing you think is world domination. You're sitting in a restaurant, you see two people talking, you're reading their lips, and you're thinking, 'I could take over the world with this information.'

Newman:Jerry, I need to borrow your lip reader.

Jerry:No.

Newman:You think you're better than me? I'm a postal worker! I could have your mail rerouted to Siberia. I could lose your social security check. I could send your magazine subscriptions to any address I want!

Cab Driver:Hey, you! Yeah, you! Get in!

Elaine:Oh no, not you again.

Cab Driver:What? WHAT?

Elaine:I said, not you again!

Cab Driver:Huh? I can't hear you! Speak up!

Elaine:You can't hear me?

Cab Driver:What?

Elaine:Never mind.

Cab Driver:What's the name of that band? You know, the heavy metal band?

Elaine:Metallica?

Cab Driver:What?

Elaine:Metallica!

Cab Driver:I can't hear you!

Cab Driver:I lost my hearing at a concert. My girlfriend at the time, she bought the tickets.

Cab Driver:It's all her fault.

Jerry:Laura, you're not going to believe what Kramer just did.

Laura:What? That's amazing!

Jerry:I know, right?

Laura:What did he say?

Jerry:I have no idea. I can't hear a word he's saying.

Kramer:Well, maybe I don't want to hear what Laura has to say about me!

George:I don't want to know what she says. I don't want to hear it.

Jerry:So what are you gonna do?

George:I'm gonna position myself behind the mail boxes in the alcove by the front desk where I can see directly into her apartment.

Jerry:You're gonna hide behind the mail boxes?

George:I'll just be checking my mail. If anyone asks, I'm checking my mail.

Laura:Wait, did he say 'Tide'?

George:No, Todd. His name is Todd.

Laura:Oh. I thought he said the detergent.

Laura:I'm reading their lips. He said 'I like tuna on toast.' She said 'I prefer mayo.'

Jerry:What are you doing?

Laura:This is classified information. These people's sandwich preferences could change everything.

Laura:You should really clean up your apartment.

George:What did you say?

Laura:I said you should clean up your apartment.

George:No, no, I heard 'come up and see me sometime.'

Laura:Oh, boy.

Gwen:You idiots! I'm not even a real person. I'm George's imaginary girlfriend!

George:What? No, you're real!

Gwen:I exist only in your mind, George. Every conversation we've had, every moment together - it was all in your head.

Kramer:I know sign language. Watch this.

Kramer:*makes exaggerated signing gestures, accidentally hits himself in the face*

Kramer:Ow! I think I just signed 'ouch.'

Announcer:And that's the end of Kramer's career as a ball man.

Reporter:Can you tell us about the tennis incident?

Laura:I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

Jerry:You know, I think the check gesture is one of the most important gestures in the world. It's this little scribbling motion in the air that says 'I'm done, bring me the bill.' But waiters? They don't get it. You do the gesture, they look at you like you just invented a new dance move.

Jerry:So you do it again, bigger. Still nothing. Now you're making elaborate hand motions like you're conducting an orchestra. Other people are staring. You're sweating. And the waiter walks by three times like you're doing some kind of interpretive performance art.

Jerry:And here's the thing I finally realized — I don't even care about the check at that point. I'm trying to look cool doing the gesture. I'm trying to seem casual, like 'Oh, I don't need this check, but if you happen to bring it by, that would be great.' Meanwhile, I look like an idiot waving at imaginary birds.