The Masseuse

Jerry:So there's a serial killer on the loose, everyone's terrified, right?

Kramer:Yeah, it's crazy out there.

Jerry:But you know who's actually the safest person in the city right now? Kramer's neighbor.

Kramer:What do you mean?

Jerry:Well, the serial killer is looking for victims, right? He's not going to go into an apartment where Kramer might be there. He's too unpredictable.

Kramer:I'm not that unpredictable.

Jerry:You just barged into my apartment without knocking. You're like the serial killer's nightmare.

Interviewer:So tell us about your security measures.

Kramer:Well, I leave my door unlocked and I come and go as I please. Very unpredictable.

Jerry:So your neighbor survives a serial killer, and what does he complain about? The music's too loud. 'Hey, turn it down, I'm trying to not get murdered here!' But when the actual screaming starts, nothing. 'Oh, that's fine, that's natural.'

Jerry:Women who fall in love with serial killers. They're disappointed when he stops killing. It's like, 'Oh, you're not a serial killer anymore? What happened? You used to be so dark and twisted. Now you're just a regular guy with a job at Best Buy. This isn't working out.'

George:Joel hasn't thrown up in 8 years.

Jerry:Eight years? I haven't thrown up in 13 years.

Jerry:It's the same date. Eight years earlier.

Jerry:Wait a minute... I just realized something... June 29th... that's the same day I threw up!

Jerry:I mean, what's the big deal? So his name is Joel Rifkin. That's just a coincidence. There's probably thousands of Joel Rifkins out there.

Jerry:It's not like he chose his name. He was born with it. You can't hold that against a guy.

Kramer:You know, I had a girlfriend named Rifkin.

Jerry:Really?

Kramer:Yeah, but it didn't work out.

Jerry:Why not?

Kramer:Well, you know, she had her thing, I had my thing...

Elaine:He's a good guy! He has a job, he pays his rent, he doesn't do drugs.

Jerry:I'm not changing my name. Are you kidding me? My name is Jerry Seinfeld. That's who I am.

Elaine:What if I asked nicely?

Jerry:If you asked nicely? Well, that changes everything. What's the new name?

Jerry:Would change name if asked

George:You know, I read this thing about serial killers. They all had mothers who were very domineering. Very overbearing. So I figure, two data points, that's all you need. My mother is very overbearing, so statistically speaking, I'm gonna be a serial killer.

George:It's a good strategy. You show them the real you right away.

Jerry:Well, if I showed them the real me right away, they'd never go out with me again.

Jerry:I'm dating a masseuse, but I'm not getting any massages.

George:So what's the problem?

Jerry:Well, it's like going to a restaurant and not eating.

Kramer:Or going to a geography store and not buying a map.

George:So I told this guy off, really let him have it. I was so angry, I just...

Jodi:Wait, you actually did that?

George:Well, no. I didn't actually say it. I thought of it.

Jodi:You made the whole thing up?

George:I'm exaggerating.

George:Your hair looks nice today. Did you do something different? Because usually it looks terrible.

Jodi:What?

George:No, I'm just saying, today it's better. Most days, not so much.

George:You know, it's amazing how many people out there are just completely incompetent. I mean, they can't do anything right.

Karen:Well, my sister's a doctor.

George:Yeah, well, there's always exceptions.

George:I was brushing my teeth and I was looking at myself in the mirror, and I was doing these head movements like this, you know, to get the brush in the back. And I guess I twisted it the wrong way.

Jodi:George is disgusting.

Jerry:Yeah, he is.

Jerry:George is unbelievable. I mean, the guy is a complete idiot.

Jodi:Yeah, he's pretty bad.

Jerry:Bad? He's worse than bad! He's got no job, no girlfriend, he lives with his parents. And he's bald!

Jodi:Well...

Jerry:And another thing - he's got no sense of style, no confidence, and he lies about everything!

George:Did you see that? Did you see the way she looked at me?

Jerry:What way?

George:That way! With her eyes!

Jerry:George, everyone looks with their eyes.

George:No, no, no. It was a specific look. A look that means something.

Jerry:What does it mean?

George:I don't know! That's what's killing me! It could mean she likes me, or it could mean she thinks I'm an idiot!

Elaine:I want a really cool, masculine name.

Jerry:You want a masculine name? You're a woman.

Elaine:So? I like masculine names. What's wrong with that?

Jerry:Nothing, nothing. I'm just saying it's a little unusual.

Elaine:Well, I don't care. I want to be called... Buck.

Elaine:What about Kimmy?

George:Kimmy? No, that's not a real name.

Elaine:What do you mean it's not a real name? Kimmy is a real name.

George:It's a nickname. A real name has to have some dignity to it.

Elaine:Well, what about... Ariel? That's a real name.

George:Ariel? Like the little mermaid?

Elaine:No, Ariel Sharon.

George:Ariel Sharon? That's the Prime Minister of Israel. You want to name your daughter after a world leader?

Elaine:Well, what's wrong with that?

George:What's wrong? Everything's wrong. What if there's a scandal? 'My daughter, Ariel Sharon, got suspended from school.'

Jerry:I mean, the sex was great, don't get me wrong. But you know what I kept thinking about the whole time?

Jerry:I kept thinking, 'I really need a massage.'

George:I need to know exactly what was said. Word for word.

Jerry:Why? What difference does it make?

George:What difference? Jerry, the exact words matter. They matter!

Jerry:Okay, okay. She said... 'You're bald and you're short and nobody likes you.'

George:So you're saying you've never thrown up?

Jerry:Not since I was a kid. I have an iron stomach.

George:What about dry heaves? That counts.

Jerry:Dry heaves don't count. There's no actual vomit involved.

George:Are you kidding me? Dry heaves are worse than vomiting. At least when you vomit something comes out.

Jerry:But the definition of vomiting requires actual vomit. Dry heaves is just the motion.

George:So what, you're going to stand there and tell me that gagging and retching for five minutes isn't vomiting?

Jerry:That's exactly what I'm telling you. It's a technical distinction.

Kramer:Oh, hailing a cab? I got this. I've done this a thousand times.

Kramer:Watch and learn.

Kramer:You just gotta know the technique, the timing, the positioning of the arm.

Kramer:It's all in the wrist, baby.

Kramer:It started out very therapeutic, very professional. Then it got a little... personal. Then it got very personal. Then it got so personal I had to ask her to stop.

Jerry:You know what? I'm done with massages. Every time I go, something weird happens.

Kramer:What are you talking about? Massages are great!

Jerry:Oh yeah? Well, I'm going to give you a massage.

Kramer:Really? That's nice of you.

Jerry:Yeah, and I'm going to charge you $80.

Kramer:Eighty dollars?!

Jerry:That's right. And halfway through, I'm going to stop and tell you I have to use the bathroom.

Kramer:I paid for those massages!

Jerry:You did not pay for those massages.

Kramer:I did too!

Jerry:Kramer, you can't just go around saying you paid women for massages. That's disrespectful.

Kramer:But I did pay!

Jerry:No, you didn't. And even if you did, you're not getting any more massages from me.

Elaine:You're totally normal, Joel. Everyone has quirks.

Joel:Really? You think so?

Elaine:Of course. I mean, look at you and your parents — you've got your mom's eyes, your dad's smile...

Joel:Well, actually... I'm adopted.

Elaine:Oh.

Kramer:I don't need an ID. Look at me. You know who I am.

Ticket Agent:Sir, I need to see your identification.

Kramer:But I'm very distinctive. Very recognizable. Surely my face is identification enough.

Stadium Announcer:Will the owner of the car with license plate B-D-E-2-6-4 please report to the parking lot. Your lights are on.

Stadium announcer:We have Joel Rifkin here today...

Stadium crowd:Boos and screams of panic

Announcer:No, no! Joel Rifkin the baseball player!

Stadium crowd:Cheers return

Kramer:I threw out my back reaching for the ball.

Jerry:Did you get it?

Kramer:No.

Jerry:Then what are you telling me for?

George:What is it about me? Why does everyone have to like me? Why can't I be like other people? If my mother doesn't like a person, she doesn't like them. That's it. But with me, it's like a compulsion. I have to... I have to have everybody like me.

Elaine:No, no, no. Stuart? There's no good Stuart. All Stuarts are bad. Every Stuart I've ever known has been a loser.

Elaine:There's this guy in my class named Alex, and he's just the most annoying person. He's always making these loud comments and asking stupid questions.

Elaine:So one day he brings his coffee into class - right? - and he's sipping it the whole time, making these slurping sounds. SLURRRP. It's disgusting.

Elaine:Then he starts humming. Just humming! Off-key! Who does that?

Elaine:The next week he shows up with a sandwich. A sandwich! In a lecture hall! And he's crinkling the bag, crunching... I mean, come on!

Elaine:So finally, I just dropped the class. I couldn't take it anymore. I'm not getting my degree because of this guy named Alex and his coffee and his humming and his sandwich.

Jerry:Finally, a professional massage. This is exactly what I needed.

Jodi:Just relax and let me work out these knots.

Jerry:Oh, that feels great...

Jodi:...

Jerry:Hello? Jodi?

Karen:George, you're obsessed with Jodi. You call her constantly, you show up at her apartment uninvited...

George:Karen, you don't understand. I have my priorities straight. It goes: my approval, food, my approval again, then maybe you.

Karen:You listed your approval twice!

George:Exactly. It's really important.

George:I'm very sorry. I apologize.

Karen:You know what? I hate you.

George:Okay.

Elaine:I mean, Stuart was nice, but maybe I was too quick to dismiss Remy. Remy had that whole thing going on...

Elaine:But then again, Stuart... Stuart would do anything for me. He'd move mountains.

Elaine:Although he was kind of... I don't know, a little needy? Like, he'd call me five times a day asking what I was doing.

Elaine:And that thing he did with his hair... why was he always touching his hair?

Elaine:And his laugh! His laugh was like a seal. A dying seal.

Elaine:You know what? I don't miss Stuart at all. I don't miss him one bit.

Jerry:You know what the problem with a massage is? It's like a tease. They work on your shoulders, they work on your back, but they never finish the job. It's like a striptease, except nobody's taking their clothes off and you're paying for it.

Jerry:I don't understand why massage therapists always want to massage you during the massage. Just let me lie here!

Jodi:That's literally the job.

Jerry:I know, but you're being so aggressive about it. You're rubbing me like I owe you money.

George:She hates me. She really hates me.

Jerry:George, why do you care so much what she thinks?

George:Because... because the hostility, it's kind of a turn-on.

George:It's like the ultimate aphrodisiac. When someone hates you, they think about you all the time. They can't stop thinking about you. You know? And maybe that's the answer.

Jerry:To what?

George:I don't know. To life.

George:You know, I think I'm in love with her.

Jerry:George, she hates you.

George:Exactly! Do you know how many women hate me? All of them. But she... she's different. She hates me with a passion. It's like a gift.

Jerry:You know what I don't understand about massage? It's all about the hands. They're always talking about the hands. 'Oh, he has great hands.' But nobody ever says that about meatballs. You could have the best meatballs, perfect meatballs, and nobody's like, 'Wow, he really has great hands with those meatballs.' But with massage? That's all they care about. 'Great hands.' It's meat in hands either way!

Jerry:You know what's interesting about Sweden? They have this great massage culture, very relaxed society. But they also have the highest suicide rate in the world. How does that happen? You'd think all those massages would cheer people up. 'I'm going to kill myself... right after this Swedish massage.' Maybe the massages are too good. You come out so relaxed, you're like, 'Why bother with life? I've peaked.'

Jerry:I got a massage the other day, and it was like a chocolate facial.

Jerry:You know, it sounds great in theory, but halfway through you're like, 'I think I've had enough chocolate on my face.'