The Highlights Of 100 (1)

Well, mostly negative. There've been some relationships that haven't worked out... ambitions that were unfulfilled... hopes dashed... some property damage, hurt feelings.... I know one guy got deported. Physical injury and.... All right, maybe even a death or two.

Real TV people.

Salsa is now the number-one condiment in America. Do you know why? Because people like to say 'salsa.'

Do you have any salsa? We need more salsa. Where is the salsa? No salsa? You know, it must be impossible for a Spanish person to order seltzer and not get salsa.

It's about nothing.

I'm out.

What am I, hard of smelling?

Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I got to plead ignorance on this thing... because if anyone had said anything to me when I first started here that that sort of thing was frowned upon....

Maybe the dingo ate your baby.

You kept making all the stops? Well, people kept ringing the bell!

You ask me to get a pair of underwear, I'm back in two seconds. You know about the cup sizes and all?

I go out for a quart of milk. I come home and find my son treating his body like it was an amusement park.

Because the mail never stops. Every day it piles up more and more and you gotta get it out... but more keeps coming in! Then the bar code reader breaks, and it's Publishers Clearing House day!

Right. Everybody's doing something. We'll do nothing.

I'll go if I don't have to talk. Then we'll just sit there.

Take the pen. Oh, no. Go ahead. I couldn't. Take it. I can't take it. Do me a personal favor. I'm not comfortable. I cannot take it. Take the pen. Are you sure? I'm positive. Take the pen.

But I don't wanna be a pirate.

See, you know how to take the reservation. You just don't know how to hold the reservation. And that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.

Well, why am I watching it? Because it's on TV. Not yet.

He is so powerful. He can lift 100 pounds right up over his head.

Thick, lustrous hair is important to me.

Do you want to get it out? Or do you want to not be able to get it out? I'd like to be able to get it out. I think you'll get it out.

I invented 'it's not you, it's me.' Nobody tells me it's them, not me. If it's anybody, it's me.

Well, I'd watch the third-base coach if I were you... because I don't think he's waving you in.

It rhymes with a female body part. What is it? Mulva?

And by the way, they're real and they're spectacular.

Spending the night is optional.

I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well, you get in the mood!

You can't have people shoving their arms into a 600-degree oven!

War... What Is It Good For?

Have you seen the new addition to the Guggenheim? You did that? Yep, yep. Really didn't take very long either.

And you want to be my latex salesman.

Tuesday has no feel. Monday has a feel. Friday has a feel. Sunday has a feel. I feel Tuesday and Wednesday.

From now on, when you take a chip just take one dip and end it.

That is one magic loogie.

We're not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

That whole thing, the whole production, it was all an act? Not bad, huh?

Salmon's the opposite of tuna because salmon swim against the current, and the tuna swim with it. Good for the tuna.

My name is George. I'm unemployed, and I live with my parents.

Yes. Significant shrinkage. So you feel you were shortchanged? Yes.

Like a frightened turtle.

The sea was angry that day, my friends. Like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.

What is that, a Titleist? A hole in one, huh?