The Secretary

What's supposed to be so attractive about fur? Why does a man wanna see a woman in fur? Men want women with shaved legs, shaved armpits, plucked eyebrows. Then before we go out, we dress them up like a bear?

To me, the only reason to wear fur would be if you were trying to sneak up on another animal. You ever see those tribal hunters wearing the fur with the other animal's head on top of their head?

I'm sure there's a moose looking at that going, 'Yeah. That looks good. Yeah. I'm gonna turn my back on this goofball with the extra head because there's nothing fishy there. I'll just keep drinking from the stream. I've seen a lot of two-headed tigers with knees.'

You were taking messages for your mother. And now someone's gonna be taking messages for me. From your mother.

Sure, I could go the tomato route... but I've given this a lot of thought, Jerry. All that frustration, I'll never get any work done. So I'm doing a complete 360.

That's a 180, George. Whatever.

Yeah. That's why I said 'hi.'

It really accentuates my bust line.

Well, Miss Coggins, you're obviously qualified for the job. You have all the necessary skills and experience... but you're extremely attractive. You're gorgeous. I'm looking at you, I can't even remember my name.

So I'm afraid this is not gonna work out. Thanks for coming. You're luscious. You're ravishing. I would give up red meat just to get a glimpse of you in a bra.

So you're saying, store, hotsy-totsy, Home, hotsy-notsy.

Don't know why I didn't have one before. Because you didn't have a job? Perhaps.

A lesser man would've crumbled. They would've gone for the dish and the sure-fire sexual harassment suit.

You got no waist in that thing. And your arms look like something hanging in a kosher deli.

This woman who was just walking by... said I looked like Demi Moore in Indecent Proposal. How fast was she walking?

'Demi'? I thought it was 'Demi.' No, I think it's 'Demi.' Really? I never heard of a 'semi' tractor-trailer.

Skinny mirrors. Barneys has skinny mirrors. They make you look, like, 10 pounds lighter.

Moisturizer? That's girl stuff. No. Look, I'll tell you what.

Ada, you're a wonder. Okay. Now, I projected those figures for you regarding the switch... to canola oil for stadium popcorn. And surprisingly, it'll only cost half a cent more per bag... so it is definitely doable.

Do you... Do you know what I'm... thinking about now? Yes. I think I do. Is it... doable? It's definitely doable.

He's got the kavorca.

I think he was wearing my houndstooth jacket. What would he be doing wearing your jacket? It looked just like the jacket I brought in to be dry-cleaned.

No, no, no. A better way to reach the bra... would be to undo the jacket then go around the back of the shirt. Ada, you're incredible.

I'm giving you a raise! Yes!

So you're having sex, then all of a sudden you just blurt out: 'I'm giving you a raise'?

So you're so grateful to have sex, you'll shout out anything... that comes into your head. I didn't think ahead.

Maybe you could have sex with her again and then take it back.

How long has she been there? Three days. It's almost a week.

These mirrors are skinny mirrors. This is false... reflecting. And I think that the department of... you know, whatever... would be very interested to know what's going on here.

Wait till that Uma smells this UVA.

Forty-two? That's what I am now. I've been working out. I'm huge.

Surely you jest. One seventy-five? Look at the stitching. This is old-world craftsmanship. Three hundred dollars. Sold.

There's nothing there I haven't seen before.

She pretends to be a teacher. It's pathetic. What does that cost? Two and a quarter?

She'd be better off making a sandwich and bringing it.

Specifically, 9:30 shows. Seen any good 9:30 shows at the Paragon, Willie?

Jerry, that's a breach of the dry cleaners' code. You need a code to tell you not to wear people's clothes?

Oh, I know, but 25,000. So you got a $25,000-a-year raise? Yes. You're making more than I am.

Oh, this is insanity. I'm not this hip-y.

You sold your pants to Bania? Let me in. Why'd you sell your pants to Bania? I had Uma Thurman's number written on that stub.

How'd you expect to get out of here? Well, I didn't think ahead.

Well, I suppose that salt stain came from all the snow in the store.

Your nancy-boy cream leaked all over the pockets. Suit's ruined.

You give me the ticket... and I will take you out for a nice dinner. Can we go back to Mendy's? You wanna go to Mendy's, I'll take you to Mendy's. Twice. I wanna go twice.

Sometimes I can't even make up my mind. A lot of times, I'll mix the two together. Make a vanilla-fudge.

The moisturizer smudged out the phone number. The dry-cleaning number's gone too. It must have been the botanical extracts.

Hey, isn't that my mother's fur coat? No, it's not. It is. Give me that back. What are you talking about? You out of your mind?

I told you Mendy's had the best pea soup. The best, Jerry. The best.

It's a gamble. I get it.

Some woman named Uma. I got her number off that ticket before it was smudged. Hope she's good-looking.

I don't wanna hear about the specials. I don't wanna know about the specials, I'm sick of the specials, I hate them. My feeling is, if the specials were so special, they'd be on the menu.

The veal is lightly slapped... and then sequestered in a one-bedroom suite... with a white-wine intravenous.