The Friars Club

I was thinking about the wig historically. I guess The Revolutionary War was the last war fought in wigs...

They're going into battle; 'Well, do I have my bullets? Do I have my bobby pins?'

'What if I get killed? Is my wig on straight?'

I know when it went out; When the mirror was invented.

No guy is looking in a mirror... powdering a thatch of horsehair on his head, going; 'All right, let's go rap to the ladies.'

Then they'll match my sneakers.

So he knew you were making it up? Yeah, he caught me. So here's what I want you to do...

But you were. But if you go back with me, then I'm not.

Well, Bob Sacamano, he stayed with me once for a year and a half.

Who is he? He's a wig master.

Boy, imagine liking wigs to the point it becomes a career choice.

You get this cool T-shirt when you sign up. Oh, I'm down.

Remember me? I said I'd come back with someone, and I did. Surprised?

No, I believed you.

Those fanciful narratives really take me away.

You know what? I write those. No.

Well, I love it. You what? I think it's great. I think you should get it.

Perhaps you could do the same.

You weren't supposed to say that. But I really did like it. That's not the point.

What about that guy asking you out right in front of me? What is the big deal?

It was very emasculating. He doesn't know the nature of our relationship. You're there approving new clothes. That's a girlfriend job.

How dare he? He dared.

I already asked him that. He said, 'Good. Good day.'

Thank God you're home. I'm locked out.

I didn't tell you to park there. Now someone's gotta drive you every time you need your car? Take the bus. I'm not gonna take the bus. That's why I got a car.

Forget it. I'm gonna get George to pick me up. He won't take you. Got it, got it. Hello? Can you take me over to Jiffy Park? Yeah, I'll pick you up right now.

Would you pick a station! I like them all.

Oh, great. Now the volume knob fell off.

What's this? Oh, God. What? It's a c... It's a condom!

Except for Jerry.

But I barely know you. Well, we'll just have to do something about that, won't we?

Hey, Greg. It's Craig.

Oh, yeah, we went way out and wild.

How do you know she's not my wife?

Hey, look, you walk in this city, things are gonna stick to your foot. You open your car and... condom.

I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Kramer... but we can't get your car now. The keys have been misplaced.

Take that pink Cadillac Eldorado over there. It's a Mary Kay car.

Something funny going on here.

Well, what about the ponytail? What about it? Come on. Ponytail? Get real.

this guy's gonna dangle that dress in front of you... like a dirt farmer dangles a carrot in front of a mule.

Like a shark fisherman with chum.

Like a shrimp farmer... Okay.

Behold, the Technicolor Dreamcoat.

They stink.

Turning tricks?

You have change for 20? Fifteen? Well....

George? Hi, honey.

Even a tiny doubt, a dot of a doubt... Because if there's any doubt at all, I feel that we should cultivate it. Cultivate it?

But you said it was in the store. No, no, no. We sold out. We've had to order some more. But I thought Nicole Miller was ma... Well...

So you getting him a discount too? Well, why so surprised?

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna take that jacket back. I'm putting this guy right out of commission.

Turn in? Yeah, I had a tough day. It's only 9:00. Yeah, well, you know, I don't argue with the body, Jerry. That's an argument you can't win.

Hey, look, you know, you're the one who's locked out. I'm letting you stay here. You're wearing my bathrobe. You should adapt to me.

Well, can I sleep with you?

Why? Do I really have to explain why?

So I am positive you are wrong about Craig. Yeah, why? Because he told a man he'd give him a discount too. A man, Jerry.

Well, perhaps he thinks that you're working him for the discount. What do I mean? Well, perhaps he thinks that you're working him for the discount. Shaking that little butt of yours into big, big savings.

The cornerstones of a healthy relationship.

This patio furniture's on sale.

Ideally.

For spite.

I don't think you can return an item for spite.

Well, you already said spite, so.... But I changed my mind. No, you said spite. Too late.

Nice hat. Get a calendar, honey. It's the '90s.

Ever thought of selling it? It would make a brilliant wig.

There's your champagne coolie. Well, looks like it's just you and me, cowboy.

Well, the funniest thing. I've learned that the new shipment's coming by boat... which does tend to take a bit longer, what with the waves and all.

Yeah, I guess you could say that. Right in front of me? How do you know we're not together?

Well, it's very emasculating.

Nicole Millers? We aren't expecting any Nicole Millers. In fact, we have too many as it is.

Hey, you just cost me some money. Hey, cool it, lady. Cool it. Cool it, lady. Cool it.

Okay, big daddy, take the hat off.

All right, turn to your right. I said turn, pimp!

I'm not a pimp.