The Comeback

Morty:Jerry, we want to talk to you about something.

Jerry:Oh my God, you're having another baby?

Helen:What? No!

Jerry:Well, what else could it be? You're calling me in here like it's some big announcement.

Jerry:You sold it? You sold my car?

Morty:We didn't need it.

Jerry:You didn't need it? I bought you a Cadillac!

Helen:It was too much car for us.

Jerry:Too much car? It's a Cadillac, not a spaceship!

Kramer:Emily is wearing me out.

Kramer:But the sex? The sex is not wearing me out.

Morty:You know, these comedians today, they don't have it. They're not like the comedians of my day.

Helen:Morty, you never go to see comedians.

Morty:I don't have to go see them. I read about them. It's all here in the paper. Comedy isn't what it used to be.

Helen:You should quit the comedy. It's not a real job.

Frank:Your mother's right. You should get into retail management.

Helen:Yes! That's a real career. My cousin's son is a assistant manager at the Gap. He's doing very well for himself.

Jerry:The Gap? Mom, I'm performing in front of hundreds of people.

Helen:So? He's managing people. That's much more important.

George:Yeah, that's a strong coffee. That's like the PLO of coffees.

Elaine:I got you a coffee.

George:Why? What do you want from me? You never just buy me coffee. There's always an angle with you people.

Elaine:I was just being nice!

George:Nice? Nobody's nice for no reason. You want something. You want to borrow money, you want to set me up with your friend... What is it?

George:I'm telling you, I paid for that coffee! I have a receipt!

George:You know what? I'm going back to that coffee shop right now and I'm demanding a full investigation!

George:This is it. This is the thing that breaks me. Not my job, not my relationships — a cup of coffee!

George:I'm contacting the Better Business Bureau, the health department, and the FBI if I have to!

Frank:He died when he was seven.

George:Seven? That's very young. What was his name?

Frank:Mooby.

Kramer:I don't want her in the bed after sex. She's got the jimmy legs.

Elaine:Kramer, you can't just kick women out of your apartment after sex. You have to be nice to them. You have to care about them.

Kramer:I do care about them.

Elaine:No, you don't. You kick them out!

Kramer:Well, what do you want me to do?

Elaine:I think you might have some issues with women, Kramer.

Elaine:Kramer, you have no idea how to treat a woman. Your relationships never work out.

Kramer:Oh, that's rich coming from you. At least I'm not dating every guy in Manhattan and then wondering why they all turn out to be losers.

Jerry:I got a last-minute gig at Bally's. I'm replacing this guy who had to leave suddenly.

Jerry:Apparently, the audience demanded a refund before he even finished his first joke.

Frank:My father, he died of internal problems. My mother, she died of internal problems. My brother, he died of internal problems.

George:What kind of internal problems?

Frank:They were all nervous people. They couldn't relax.

George:How old would Aunt Baby be if she were alive today?

Frank:Dead. She'd be dead.

Emily:Do you enjoy lovemaking?

Kramer:It's like a pastrami sandwich.

Jack Klompus:You want to buy back the car? What are you, some kind of wise guy? You're gonna take it, sell it for parts!

Jack Klompus:Well, it's a different car.

Jerry:Do you need a pen to write the check?

Jack Klompus:A pen? I got a pen!

Jack Klompus:I found this pen. It was in the street. Look at this, it still writes!

Kramer:Oh, I know all the good hotels in the city. I used to have a gambling problem.

Jerry:So I'm at Bally's, right? And they tell me I'm not registered under my name. I said, 'What do you mean I'm not registered?' They said, 'You're registered under Carnac the Magnificent.' I said, 'Who is Carnac the Magnificent?' Apparently, I used some old comedian's name when I signed up. I don't even remember doing it!

Frank:We're living like kings! I'm telling you, we moved out to the front of the building.

Frank:We got a whole new life ahead of us.

George:Wait a minute. You're telling me the Golden Nugget called you? Why would they call you?

Jerry:I don't know, maybe they got my number somehow.

George:That doesn't make sense. The Golden Nugget doesn't just call people randomly. What did they want?

Morty:You know, I was thinking about something. When you're not feeling well, it's like you're a piece of fish, and you're sitting out on the counter. But then someone puts you in a jar of mayonnaise, and suddenly you feel better. You're still fish, but now you're preserved fish. You're good to go.

Peterman:Who is this?

Elaine:That's my father.

Peterman:Your father? He looks like a millionaire!

Morty:Well, I'm wearing thesuit.

Emily:I don't want to sleep alone. What if someone tries to break in?

Jerry:So you want me to stay over to protect you?

Emily:Yes, exactly.

Jerry:Emily, what are the odds someone's going to break into your apartment?

Emily:I don't know, but what if it's a very determined burglar who specifically targets women living alone in this neighborhood, and he has a very detailed map of my apartment that he got from a disgruntled landlord, and he's been casing the place for weeks, and he knows my exact sleep schedule, and he's waiting for a night when I'm alone because he has a very specific grudge against me personally?

Jerry:That's oddly detailed.

Emily:I know, but it could happen.

Kramer:It was just the wind.

Emily:The wind? The wind doesn't jiggle doorknobs, Kramer. Someone was trying to get in here.

Jack Klompus:So there I am in the Everglades, I'm backing up, I look around, I don't see nothing. I'm backing up some more, I hear a little sound. I look down, I've backed right into a swamp. The car's stuck. I'm in the car, it's sinking, and all of a sudden, snap! An alligator comes up and gets ahold of the car!

Jerry:Oh, well, look on the bright side. At least the alligators are gonna have really nice handwriting.

Helen:We're not buying a Mercedes. My father fought in World War II.

Frank:We have separate beds. It's better for the circulation.

Frank:I got jimmy arms. I'm flailing around all night.

Kramer:Can you get Jimmy legs in your arms?

Frank:Oh, you can get it in your arms, your legs, your face! It's a very serious condition!

Peterman:I was trapped in a cave in Peru with nothing but a sack of beans. I fashioned a crude weapon from the legumes, tied them together with vines. The jaguar didn't know what hit it.

Morty:A weapon made of beans?

Peterman:Beans, Morty. Don't underestimate the bean.

Morty:You know, Peterman, you're running this business all wrong. You got too much overhead, too much waste. You gotta streamline, cut costs where it matters.

Peterman:But Morty, my customers expect a certain level of quality and service.

Morty:Quality? Service? That's what's killing you! People don't want quality, they want cheap. They want fast. Give 'em cheap and fast, they'll buy anything.

George:Why didn't anybody tell me about this? This could've been huge for me!

George:These pretzels are making me thirsty.

Frank Costanza:I'm telling you, if I don't check on that car every twenty minutes, I'm gonna have a nervous breakdown.

Frank Costanza:A guy could live in that car. It's got a trunk, a back seat... somebody's probably living in it right now.

Estelle:A bum? A bum sleeping in our car? Frank, this is a catastrophe! Do you know what could happen? He could use our upholstery as a toilet! He could invite his bum friends over for a bum convention in our driveway! Next thing you know, there's bums everywhere - in the bushes, in the garage, eating our food! We'll have to move! We'll have to leave Queens! We'll end up living in a cardboard box ourselves, and then we'll BE the bums!