The Soul Mate

Jerry:You know what I've realized? Biting your nails is actually an achievement. You're using your teeth as a tool. I mean, think about it — you're replacing a nail clipper with your mouth. That's not a bad habit, that's innovation. I'm not nervous, I'm just ahead of my time.

Kramer:That's incredible! You know, most people just use nail clippers like a mental patient, but you... you've developed an elegant device.

Jerry:You know what they use for weapons in prison? Nail clippers. A nail clipper can be a very dangerous weapon.

George:A nail clipper?

Jerry:Oh yeah. You clip someone, you could really hurt them. You could take out an eye.

George:I never thought about that.

Jerry:Especially a toenail. A toenail could be very dangerous. You file it down to a point, you sharpen it up, you got yourself a nice little shiv.

George:You know, I'd like to go to prison someday.

George:Flavman. He's a poet.

George:Very powerful stuff. Very moving.

George:What? What did I do? I didn't do anything! Why are you looking at me like that? Oh my God, you think I did something. You do! You think I'm involved in something. I can see it in your face. What happened? Someone got hurt? Did someone get hurt?

George:I'm telling you, Jerry, someone's trying to kill me. It all adds up.

Jerry:George, you're being ridiculous. Why would anyone want to kill you?

George:Because I know too much. I've seen things.

Jerry:The only thing you've seen is the inside of a coffee cup. Relax. Don't worry, baby. Don't worry, baby.

Jerry:I want to be gaga over someone. You know what I mean? I want to be completely irrational and obsessed. I want to think about them when I'm supposed to be doing other things. I want to rearrange my entire life around seeing them.

Jerry:Why is everyone having babies? What's going on?

George:It's instinct. We're programmed to reproduce.

Jerry:Oh, that's great. So we're just like animals.

Jerry:You know what's weird about babies? Their parents think their poop smells good. I'm not kidding. You ever notice that? A baby poops, and the parent goes, 'Oh, what a beautiful smell!' No, it doesn't. It smells like poop. It smells like a diaper explosion at a sewage treatment plant. But the parent is like, 'Mmm, that's my baby's poop. That's the best poop I've ever smelled.'

Elaine:I like the city.

Carol:New York is a toilet.

Jerry:So, uh, you guys have any fish? I've been thinking about getting a fish.

George:I need to know what people are saying about me. About Susan.

Jerry:George, what are you talking about?

George:I'm gonna set up a surveillance operation. I'll get Kramer to follow people, listen in on conversations at Monk's.

Jerry:You're going to have Kramer spy on people?

George:He's perfect for it. Nobody suspects Kramer of anything because he's already insane.

Jerry:This is the worst idea you've ever had.

George:I'll wear a disguise. A fake mustache. Maybe a different shirt.

Kramer:You're working in a bookstore? Jerry, these books, they're dangerous. People come in, they don't know what they're looking for, they just browse. They read the first few pages, they get hooked, they buy the book. It's a slippery slope.

Jerry:Kramer, it's a bookstore.

Kramer:Exactly! That's what they want you to think.

Kramer:I'm in trouble.

Jerry:What kind of trouble?

Kramer:I'm falling for Elaine.

Kramer:She's got a delicate beauty, you know? It's like... you could just bludgeon her and she'd still look delicate.

Newman:There's a soulmate out there for everyone. Someone perfect, meant just for you. And when you find them, you know it.

Newman:Oh, winsome tulip of my heart! Your petals unfold like the secrets of the universe. I am but a humble bee, drawn to your intoxicating nectar.

Newman:Without you, the sun dims, the stars fade, and all of creation weeps at the vastness of my loneliness.

Kramer:Yeah, well, my problems are worse than yours.

Newman:How could your problems possibly be worse than mine?

Kramer:I'm living with a coffee table that has a sinkhole in the middle of it.

Kramer:It's a primal urge, it's nature. We're supposed to procreate.

Jerry:Oh, so you're saying men are just slaves to their biological impulses?

Kramer:That's right. We can't help it. It's in our DNA.

Jerry:So what you're telling me is when you see an attractive woman, you're like some kind of animal?

Kramer:Exactly! The male of the species must attract a mate. He displays his plumage, he struts about, he does a little dance...

Jerry:You're doing the dance right now, aren't you?

Kramer:It's instinctual!

Elaine:I'm not a mollusk.

Jerry:Having a baby is easy. It's like the easiest thing in the world.

George:What are you talking about? It's not easy.

Jerry:No, it's the easiest thing. Everybody's doing it. It's like the most popular thing right now.

Kramer:Yeah, it's like the new thing.

Jerry:Exactly. It's like a trend. Everyone's having babies. It's so overdone.

George:I wish it was me instead of her. I wish I had died instead of Susan.

George:My briefcase!

Kramer:You know, when you're going through a rough time, sometimes you need a little comfort food.

Kramer:A double-fudge sundae, some ice cream... it helps ease the pain.

Kramer:So I figure, Jerry bombs on stage, he comes home, we share a sundae together.

Kramer:That's what friends do.

Kramer:Jerry, remember what you said about Pam? You said she's not 'girlfriend material.' Those were your exact words.

Jerry:I never said that.

Kramer:You absolutely did. So why are you even trying?

George Costanza:My nails? What's wrong with my nails?

Jerry Seinfeld:According to the tape, you bite your nails down to nothing. They said your fingers look like little Vienna sausages.

George Costanza:That's not fair. I only do it when I'm nervous.

Kramer:George, you're always nervous.

Foundation member:What?! Did you see that?!

George:What do you mean it doesn't concern me? Everything concerns me.

George:If it's happening on Earth, I'm involved.

Kramer:Pam, I love you.

Pam:Kramer, you're driving me up the wall.

Kramer:Okay, I'll get the car.

Jerry:Pam? What's wrong with Pam? Pam is a good name. Pam... Pam. Yeah, I like Pam. Pam's a great name. Why didn't I think of Pam before? Pam!

Kramer:She's got it all. She's smart, she's beautiful, she's got great hair...

Kramer:All she needs is a little barrette and maybe some highlights, and she'd be perfect.

George:You see, what we're dealing with here is a clear case of acoustic displacement coupled with molecular friction variance. The briefcase, when struck at that particular angle, creates what I call a 'metallic resonance echo' — it's basic physics really. The sound you heard wasn't just a sound, it was a symphony of compressed air molecules colliding with the leather exterior, which then bounces back at precisely forty-seven degrees, creating what the scientific community refers to as a 'Costanza reverb effect.'

George:The only way to stop them is to create a diversion. I'm thinking we leak false information to the press, hire someone to pose as me, maybe fake my own death...

Jerry:Or you could just... ask them to stop.

George:...What?

Jerry:Ask them. To stop.

Jerry:What, you and Kevin have a common goal? What is it, to remain childless and die alone?

Jerry:Men will say anything to women. We don't care. We have no shame. I could be talking to a beautiful woman at a party and I could just make something up out of thin air. She'd be standing there and I'd go, 'Yeah, I invented the quiet car.'

George:Yeah, I think we're onto something here. I mean, look at me, I'm wearing a bra.

Jerry:What?

George:Well, not right now, but I have before. Women love that sensitivity thing.

Kramer:I told her I loved spending time with her family.

Newman:I can help you with Pam. Together, we'll be a perfect beast.

Kramer:A perfect beast?

Newman:You and me, working as one. Unstoppable.

Newman:You know, people complain about junk mail. But to me, junk mail is just mail. It's all equal in my eyes. A letter from the IRS, a coupon for olive loaf - they're the same thing to me. I deliver it all with the same respect.

Newman:Your eyes are like two pools of liquid moonlight, swimming in a sea of stars. Your hair cascades like a waterfall of silk, tumbling down the mountains of your shoulders. You are a symphony of beauty, a masterpiece painted by the hands of angels.

Newman:This is a poem by an unknown poet.

Newman:I wrote it myself.

Elaine:You really don't want kids?

Kevin:I'm telling you, I don't want kids. I never have.

Elaine:But how do I know you're serious?

Kevin:I'll prove it to you right now.

Kevin:I'm going to get a vasectomy this afternoon.

Jerry:Hey, nice barrette. Where'd you get that?

Pam:Oh, Kramer suggested it. He said it really brings out my eyes.

Jerry:Kramer? Kramer gave you fashion advice?

Pam:Yeah, why? What's wrong with that?

Jerry:Nothing, nothing. It's just... that's like taking cooking tips from a smoke detector.

Newman:Your audience? They're not an audience, Jerry. They're a hostage situation. You stand up there with your little observational humor about airline peanuts, and they're trapped in their seats, forced to laugh at your mediocrity like prisoners of war. I've seen more genuine emotion at a DMV.

Kevin:I bought this expensive thing on impulse. Now it's just sitting there gathering dust.

Elaine:I know, I've done impulsive things too. Like one time I just decided to get bangs. Just walked into a salon and said 'Give me bangs!' Worst decision of my life. It took like six months to grow them out.

Jerry:Why don't you just use real people?

George:You know, I've been thinking about this. It's like an onion, right? You peel back one layer, and there's another layer underneath. But here's the thing - when you peel an onion, it stinks. The whole thing stinks. So what's the point of peeling it?

Jerry:What about me? Don't I get a soul mate? I've been a good person. I recycle, I give to charity, I hold doors open for people. Where's my soul mate?

Jerry:I'm just as deserving as Kramer. Maybe more deserving. Kramer lives on my couch!

Jerry:Me? A father? Newman, I can't even keep a plant alive. Last week I forgot to water it and it started a support group.

Jerry:I'm not equipped for this. I can barely take care of myself. Do you know how many times I've worn the same shirt in a row?

Jerry:A kid needs stability, consistency, someone who knows what they're doing. I once spent twenty minutes trying to open a jar of pickles.

Jerry:No, no, no. This is not happening. Find someone else. Find George. Find Kramer. Find literally anyone but me.

George:You see, I have evidence. I have a whole catalog of sounds. There's the 'schlep' sound, the 'kvetch' sound, the 'putz' sound, and my personal favorite - the 'giddy-up' sound combined with a little whistle. And then there's the ultimate sound - the sound of complete and utter failure!

George:I've been thinking about this all wrong. I've constructed this entire elaborate theory, and the answer is right in front of me.

George:It's simple. It's... it's just the obvious explanation.

George:I hate when that happens.

Elaine:You're both getting vasectomies?

Jerry:Yeah, we figured we'd do it together. Make it a whole thing.

Kramer:It's like a buddy system. We're in this together.

Elaine:That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Jerry:What? It's practical.

Kramer:We can carpool to the doctor.

Elaine:He had a vasectomy to prove his commitment, and now he's reversing it immediately.

George:I didn't kill Susan!

Foundation Member 1:Of course you did.

Foundation Member 2:It's obvious.

Foundation Member 3:You're guilty.