The Muffin Tops

Would you mind watching my bag for a second? / Why? So I can stand here like an idiot not knowing if you'll ever come back?

George wearing the clothes from the bag he was supposed to watch

He asked you to watch them, not wear them. / I'm still watching them.

When do you start to worry about ear hair? / When you hear, like, a soft rustling.

Puberty that never stops. Ear puberty, nose puberty, knuckle puberty.

So who's the new you? / They got an intern from Francis Lewis High. His name is Keith. He comes in Mondays after school.

Where are you meeting these women? When they get off the bus at the Port Authority?

You put my life stories in his autobiography?

I've broken through, huh? I'm part of popular culture now.

Oh, get out! Get out! I don't wanna live like this!

Why is it every half-wit and sitcom star has his own book out now?

You're that gangly fellow we bought the stories from.

There's enough juice here to keep us all fat and giggly.

So you just eat the tops? / Oh, yeah, it's the best part. It's crunchy. It's explosive. It's where the muffin breaks free of the pan and sort of does its own thing.

I'll tell you, that's a million-dollar idea right there. Just sell the tops.

Try looking up, hayseed. You wanna sightsee, get on a bus.

Please don't think all New Yorkers are so rude. / Well, no, actually I'm-- / I'm Mary Anne. I work for the New York Visitors Center.

Well, I was shaving... and I noticed an asymmetry in my chest hair. And I was trying to even it out. And the next thing I knew: Gone.

Don't you know you're not supposed to poke around down there? / Well, women do it.

Well, I'll tell you what. I'll pick you up a sundress and a parasol and you can just sashay your pretty little self around the town square.

Jerry shaved his chest. / Hey! I forgot. Wait, never mind.

You couldn't pay me enough to ride a horse in this city. I mean, it's hard enough to cross the street in a pair of sneakers, let alone six feet in the air on a jittery, glassy-eyed dinosaur.

Well, you couldn't pay me enough to go to the beach on a weekend. I mean, it's hard enough to park--

Oh, hairless. This is where it's at. It's so much smoother and cleaner.

A muffin-top store? / What did I just say?

Top of the muffin to you.

So you're pretending to be a tourist? / It's beautiful. She makes all the plans. I'm not from around here, so it's okay if I'm stupid.

And she knows I'm only in town visiting, so there's no messy breakups. / How do you explain your apartment? / I got a hotel room.

You moved into a hotel? / Well, I don't know anyone here, Jerry. Where else am I gonna stay?

I don't want her to think I'm one of those low-rise briefs guys who shaves his chest.

These ideas are all in the air. They're in the air. / Oh, well, then, if that air is coming out of this face, then it is my air and my idea.

Yeah, my parents have it. Sometimes it skips a generation.

I got SpectraVision. First five minutes free.

At some point you're going back to your job at Tyler Chicken and your three-legged dog, Willy.

George, no offense, but this city would eat you alive.

Eat me alive, huh? We'll see who can make it in this town.

You know, if you take everything I've accomplished in my entire life and condense it down into one day, it looks decent.

What's dessert? / Bite-size 3 Musketeers. Just like the real Peterman eats. / He eats those? / No, I eat those. I'm the real Peterman.

J. Peterman is real. His biography is not. Now, you, Kramer, are real. But your life is Peterman's. Now, the bus tour, which is real, takes you to places that, while they are real, they are not real in the sense that they did not really happen to the real Peterman, which is you.

Yeah, it's 37.50 for a 3 Musketeers.

You're making just the muffin tops. / What do you mean? / You gotta make the whole muffin. Then you... pop the top, toss the stump.

So, what do we do with the bottoms? / Give them to a soup kitchen.

Do you really think we need the exclamation point? Because it's not, 'Top of the muffin to you!' / No, no, it is.

What are you doing to yourself? / I can't stop.

Don't you know what's gonna happen? Every time you shave it, it's gonna come in thicker and fuller and darker.

Kramer revealing his extremely hairy back

I shaved there when I was a lifeguard.

They're just stumps. / Well, they're perfectly edible. / Oh, so you just assume the homeless will eat them? They'll eat anything?

I know what you thought: 'They don't have homes. Don't have jobs. What do they need the top of a muffin for? They're lucky to get the stumps.'

If the homeless don't like them, the homeless don't have to eat them.

Why don't you drop off chicken skins and lobster shells? / I think I might.

But if you stay here more than a few months, you're a real sucker.

It smells like the last tenant had monkeys or something.

It's the one that's covered in chicken wire.

Hey, if you're the real Peterman, how come you're wearing those ratty clothes? / Well, that's your opinion.

Can I have another 3 Musketeers? They're rather small. / Forget it.

I can't drive and argue with you rubes all at the same time.

Do you think you could transport some stumps for me? / Well, if they don't mind sitting in the back. / No, they don't. / Are they war veterans?

Hen supervisor from Tyler Chicken? / Yes, very nice for her to have met you, sir.

Moonlighting for Tyler Chicken. Pretty impressive, George. Days with the New York Yankees, nights in Arkansas with a topflight bird outfit. And a hen supervisor, to boot. I am blown. Blown away. Blown, George. Blown!

You know, when you make a pizza bagel, you really shouldn't use cinnamon raisin. / You also shouldn't use a doughnut.

You know, I never thought he'd be able to re-create the experience of actually knowing him, but this is pretty close.

How about this: You give me Costanza. I convert your concessions to all chicken, no charge. Instead of hot dogs, chicken dogs. Instead of pretzels, chicken twists.

Instead of beer, alcoholic chicken. / How do you make alcoholic chicken? / They ferment, just like anything else.

Well, it's muffin stumps. / Where are the muffin tops? / This is a garbage dump. / Just let me dump it. / Can't do it.

So the New York Yankees traded you for a bunch of Tyler Chicken? / Dogs, twists, and a fermented chicken drink.

Hey, aren't you the guy I asked to watch my clothes? / What clothes? / These clothes. The ones you're wearing.

My chest hair's growing back, and it's itching me like crazy. I can't let her see me scratch it.

I don't know where the tops are.

Jerry scratching his itchy chest hair while Alex pets the dog

Jerry, you gotta bring me some clothes here. I lost my job with the Yankees. I'm standing in a men's room on 43rd Street in my underpants.

I told you this city would eat you alive. / And I think my relationship's in trouble.

What is this guy again? / They call him a cleaner. He makes problems go away.

If I'm curt, then I apologize. But as I understand it, we have a situation here. And time is of the essence.