The New Producer

Larry:That sign says "applesauce." No, I'm kidding. It says "applause."

Announcer:And now, because he couldn't find the exit door... Larry Sanders!

Larry:Mike Tyson was quoted as saying "I'm in love with myself." Sorry, girls. That's it. That's that joke.

They're using the young Elvis stamp for standard mail and the old Elvis stamp for packages over 300 pounds.

Jeff Cesario:Maybe she just didn't tell him where she put his medication.

Larry:Arthur, come back soon. We miss your cigar smoke in the hallway.

Hank:Horseshit. Not once in six years did he ever invite me up on the stage. Horseshit.

Hank:¿Cómo se dice "horseshit"?

Hank:my show is being taken over by a guy who looks and sounds like Vanessa Redgrave

Larry:What's with Phil's fucking nose?

Sam:She isn't. Let's just leave it at that.

Larry:Maybe you're too easily rocked.

Larry:Does this mean we have to start wearing jumpsuits because I think only Hank has one?

Larry:If there's one thing I'm known for, it's my complete discretion.

Sam:She tried to kill herself with an overdose of Halcion. She's okay. Let's just leave it at that, okay?

Sam:This business will do that to you.

Writer:It was right on Larry's desk, right in a folder under some papers, in a drawer that was locked. Finding the key was a bitch.

Unfortunately, Phil's social maladjustment runs so deep that he is unpredictable and volatile. My guess is that he talks badly about Larry behind his back.

Phil:Larry is just the kind of asshole to read that and believe it.

Beverly:Now I'm sorry I made copies of this for everybody.

Hank is very sensitive about his age. He's only 34.

Hank is not 34.

Darlene:It's not actually here but it should be.

Set designer:I went through this same shit once with Sajak.

Larry:Very funny. Very fuckin' funny.

Larry:I think you can never have enough vegetation. Ask Sting.

Hank:Oh, my God, we've been canceled.

Hank:Is Artie dead? Go ahead. Go ahead. I can take it.

Hank:That's an insult. I'm not acting dumb. I don't know what memo.

Hank:Did Artie die?

Larry:Do you believe this shit?

Larry:What do I need, a fuckin' security camera? I covered that on page three of the memo.

Jonathan:Maybe the fucking coffee will become a little bit hotter. From my own experience, fear is a great motivator.

Larry:Think I'm attractive and a great dancer, fine. But let's draw the line there.

Artie:it looks like an old Tarzan movie.

Artie:Horseshit! This isn't about those plants. This is about me. I am those plants, goddamn it.

Hank:Phone the agent. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...

Hank:He fired me from that QE2 Fourth of July special.

Larry:Bullshit. You've gotten an earring to make yourself look younger. What have you done to your nipples?

Larry:And the left ear is the gay ear. When you wear it low like that, it means you're catching, not pitching.

Larry:Catching, not pitching.

Hank:Call me an ambulance.

Artie:It's Demerol, you ass, and tequila. It's a good mix.

Artie:If somebody farts in the Xerox room, I've heard about it.

Artie:I guarantee you there's nothing in there.

Artie:Drink it, or I'll knock you to the floor, step on your neck and piss in that good ear.

Artie:Never get sick. If there's one cardinal rule in show business, it's 'Never get sick.' It's when you're down, when you show the slightest weakness, that they slip that knife in your back.

Artie:I have to admire that little Iago... Jonathan Littman.

Hank:Do you think I skew to an older demographic?

Artie:You want to sit there while Kathie Lee prattles on in your good ear about how Frank hates to change Cody's poopy diapers?

Artie:Hello, you worthless piece of shit!

Artie:"Cousins Will Fuck" is the first topic.

Artie:Yeah, but that knife was wielded by a relative stranger.

Artie:swelling it to such a grotesque size that the skull bursts like a ripe honeydew melon. I saw a case like this in Korea once. It was a horrible, painful way to die. Yeah, the screams still haunt me.

Artie:You just want people that fear... suck up to you!

Larry:Hank just threw up in my wastebasket.

Jonathan:but my enthusiastic and aggressive interest in taking his job and producing this show.

Sam:Okay, we're lying.

Larry:Have I ever told you, Jon, I can't stand the way you talk?

Larry:Obviously you guys don't know about my Chinese weatherman. It's "fleezing"!

Larry:Remember you held my head?

Larry:We're facing east, so it's actually the sun rising.

Larry:I do it because... I love you, you bastard.

Larry:I'm always telling you how funny you are... and how well your clothes fit... and how your ass doesn't look fat in pants.

Man, you guys sure have a lot of fuckin' plants on this set.