Phil

Phil:Larry is just the kind of asshole to read that and believe it.

Phil:You know I'm talking about Jerry, right? He's really fucking up.

Phil:Oh, Larry! What should I bring tonight? Ice? Chips? Salt!

Larry · Phil:Phil, you know, I've got this... Ulcer? Party.

Phil:Well, I guess we know which side of the family you get that mouth from.

Phil · Phil:It screams you. / It screams penis, vagina more than anything.

Phil:I'd have said you come home from a hard day at the paper route. Your mom's there with a thin dressing gown that slips open, and...

Phil:Who isn't?

Phil:He almost made abortion funny.

Phil · Beverly:You know, the more I hear about this, It sounds to me Like there's Little difference Between Hank And the amazing clifford. Clifford probably Dresses better.

Phil · Beverly:They were on her desk In a big envelope With a playboy Bunny on it. We just thought It was a new issue.

Phil:What finally convinced him, the quality of our riots?

Phil:A shetland pony?

Phil:It looks like something Sammy Davis Jr. would have worn.

Phil:I'm sure one will be opening up very soon.

Phil · Jerry:Larry could hardly even look at me. It wasn't my imagination?

Phil:I was gonna give him a Mickey Mantle one! I got it in the car! I already got him a Mickey Mantle one!

Phil:I was gonna give him a Mickey Mantle one! I got it in the car! I already got him a Mickey Mantle one!

Phil · Hank:'We didn't introduce R.E.M. as "rem" last week.' 'Oh, my brave, brave Phil. Always with the jokes and yet so very desperate.'

Phil · Mike · others:'If somebody gets fired, it will be me.' 'No. No, it is. I've been here the shortest time.' Multiple people claiming they'll be fired

Phil · Artie · Larry:'This is a booking problem, right?' '[Artie] Phil, shut the fuck up.' 'I'll handle it. Phil, shut the fuck up.'

Phil · Artie:'I told my friends to watch Tim Miller last night.' 'Why, Phil?' 'They haven't seen anything that good since my college roommate's nervous breakdown.'

Larry · Phil:We don't need one. There are 10 million People watching. But can you Trust them?

Artie · Phil:He's telling me About his troubles At the restaurant. But you're Not in there. He doesn't know that.

Phil · Darlene:He's taking us To new york. What if he's not Taking all of us?

Phil:I knew it! It's new york!

Larry · Phil:So what have you been up to the last 3 months, Phil? Oh, jerking off. See you Monday.

Larry · Phil:When you got money from me the other day, you didn't give anybody my atm password, did you? No, but you gotta admit that l-a-r-r-y is pretty easy to guess.

Phil:What, to Sanders? Hardy-har-har.

Larry · Phil:I don't think she's got the right personality. I think she's too... abrasive? No, it's, uh... brusque? No. Incapable of putting a performer at ease because she's has a basic contempt for the business.

Phil:Well, you know, those are made to be seen, not to be worn. They're made to hang in your closet so when someone looks in there they say, 'oh, you've been on arsenio.'

Phil · Larry:Milk chocolate necktie. He does. Well, those are probably meant to be eaten, not worn.

Phil · Paula:Is that suzanne pleshette? Phil, get out!

Phil · DeVito:the jogging suit is just a wrapping, sir, inside, you'll find a lovely silver desk clock from tiffany. Silverplate? Solid silver, Mr. D. Swiss movement.

Phil · Larry:Oh, hell, yes. We could put your cock on it. As long as it's not the hour hand.

Phil · George Wendt:I'm Phil, the best writer. Thanks for doing the show. No problem. There's been a little change.

George Wendt · Phil:Who's gonna host? Uh...Hank. Hank? Well, that's cool. Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

George Wendt · Phil:I did Conan's first show, so... You have to remember. Yes, I do, and I forgive you.

Phil:Did you guys fuck between the 9th and 10th floor?

Phil:Next week it'll be Bill Clinton and who else, Hillary?

Darlene · Phil:Now I'm doubly screwed because I went a whole month without having an orgasm. Well, guess what. So did i. Well, that's the point, right?

Phil:You and paula are not best friends. You're girls.

Phil:You and paula are Not best friends. You're girls.

Phil:I will sue the Show. I want you To know that.

Phil:You know, If you're going To try something new, You should tell people. You scared the shit Out of me.

Artie · Beverly · Phil:A little late with Larry's melon, huh, beverly? Oh, well, I had to go and get a new one first, Arthur. I mean, I had it already cut up into little chunks the way he always likes it. Then he came in today, said he wanted it bald. I'd do it, except I'm already dating someone.

Paula · Phil:Well, I charmed his ass. I told him roxanne was my favorite movie. I inquired about his play... in other words, you promised to blow him? Ho ho ho, Phil, you know all my little tricks, don't you?

Artie · Phil:He gave it a great deal of thought. He feels it's the right way to go. Unbelievable. Thanks, Mike.

Paula · Phil:Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, little big man. Steve Martin's not doing this sketch. He's just paneling. Well, that may have been the case, but, uh, I'd like you to send it to him.

Artie · Phil:Are you insane? What? What are you thinking you're doing in here? I came prepared. You said that these meetings are very important. Yes, they are. All the more reason to shut the fuck up.

Writer · Phil:'Not feasible at this juncture?' Phil, did that sentence come with the suit or did you have to buy it separately?

Paula · Phil:Yeah, he got the fax, and he's got some problems. He thinks you're making fun of mute people. It is a takeoff on the piano. It does not work without a mute.

Phil · Paula:Well, thanks for your help, bitch. Oh, that'd be so much hotter if you were wearing your tie.

Artie · Phil:Larry drives through the canyons every day at 4:00 to unwind before the show. Then why did he agree to these meetings? When he agreed to meet with you, this is what he meant

Artie · Phil:Car phones don't work in the canyons. Bingo. Got it?

Artie · Phil:Do you need an actual piano or can you use one of those casio keyboards? I need an ornate grand piano. Good. You aim for the grand. When you get the casio, be thrilled.

Phil · Artie:Arthur, do you remember the bosnian sheepdog joke? Mike wrote that. It got a huge applause break. I'm sure he'll always cherish that moment.

Phil · Writer:Guys, I'm trying to finish this, OK? That's what you should do. Just tell Larry he has to use some of the jokes from last week, 'cause that was funny stuff, Phil.

Paula · Phil:Go fuck yourself. Do my job? You do it, asswipe. You get on the phone and find a last-minute replacement for Steve Martin, someone willing to do a hack's sketch about the piano, which, by the way, is 6 months too late. Nice topical meter, dipshit.

Phil · Artie:You want Paula fired? Yes, and I want to watch while you do it.

Phil:These have been the worst 4 days of my life. I have no more friends here, I'm the only one who does any of the work, and at the end of the day, all I can think about is how I have to come back here and do it all over again tomorrow. It's a nightmare.

Artie · Phil:Lot more fun being the snotty little dork, wasn't it? Congratulations, son. You're the head writer. But I don't want the job. That's too damn bad.

Artie · Phil:You're making 6500 bucks a week, sweetie. Doesn't that soften the blows a bit? 6500... no, no, no. I'm only making 37,500. Oh, damn it! There's been a horrible mistake. Jesus, I have to fix that right away.

Artie · Phil:You can't handle the truth. This. It isn't funny. This is hilarious. Ha ha. See?

Larry · Phil:Please, let's not show the chimp attacking my balls again. I mean, come on. / But people love that. / No. You're projecting.

Larry · Phil:The parrot, uh, attacking my balls? / Yes. Pass.

Phil:The pie eating scene, it has no precursor in talk show history.

Phil:Or maybe we say that you've discovered the network family tree and you pull out this dead little Bush or somethin'.

Phil:I'm not the one with the pill problem, you self-destructive asshole.

Phil · Hank:You could say that, uh, you live on rockingham, just a knife's throw from o.j.'s house. Uh, no. I don't think I could do that one. That... that... that implies o.j. Is guilty.

Hank · Phil:You little prick! What? You did it! You egged my car! What are you talking about?

Phil:I am 100% not guilty.

Phil:Fuck you, Hank. Of course I did it. Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!

Phil:He is supposed to be the gorton's fisherman. Without the hat, he's just a guy in a yellow slicker.

Artie · Phil:Say it again. Slicker. Use it in a sentence. I like my slicker. Ha ha.

Phil:Artie, I'm gonna kick somebody's ass, I swear.

Phil:blah, blah, blah, blah.

Phil:Yeah, right. Did he show up at your high school graduation?

Phil:I can't believe that Hank drilled Jeannie.

Phil · Writer:You know how come I know I'm stoned? Why? To get To the other side?

Phil · Damon:Hey, kids! Let's go smoke Another fatty And watch Hank's birthday.

Phil:We think it's Hank And ray combs eating cake.

Phil:We-- we were walking by. It said, 'hank's birthday.' We thought we had Missed your party Or something.

Artie · Phil:I trust they're Still crispy in the milk. Actually, they're Kind of soggy.

Larry · Phil:That would be your uncle? / Yeah. That's right. Ah. Mm-hmm.

Larry · Phil:Yeah. Listen, this doesn't have a happy ending, does it, Phil? / No. I'm sorry.

Phil:God, I suck at cheering people up.

Phil:What, is he only taking 10% of your love?

Larry · Hank · Phil:OK, Hank, give him the money. What money? Hey, there it is. What are you... all you had to do was ask. Prick.

Phil:Oh, look. Bitch expo '95 is in town. Could you pick me up a tee shirt, ok?

Phil · Unknown:Is your grandmother alive? What? Is she alive? Yes. Well, fuck her. I'll get to Jimmy Smits when I get to it.

Larry · Phil:I'll look through this hole... Is that close enough? Is that your thumb? What is that?

Larry · Phil:Is that newt gingrich on the internet? No, what she's doing to my back.

Larry · Phil:I was just getting ready to turn over, and sometimes the towel flips up. I've already seen that.

Larry · Phil:These are mashed potatoes. And they need a little salt. Amazing, great psychic!

Phil:I believe that lisp is castilian Spanish. You know, like, barcelona... gracias.

Phil:I don't know. I think a cardigan makes me look too geeky. You know? I'm supposed to be a gossip, not mister rogers.

Phil:Well, uh, today in your office, an older gentleman on our staff came in, took off his sweatpants and his briefs, and started sliding around on your leather sofa for about 45 minutes.

Larry · Phil:Well, didn't he see you standing there? No, because I was under your desk.

Phil · Larry:I could be the next Chris Elliott. I think the world is content with the current Chris Elliott.

Larry · Phil:Oh, really? Really? So someone said I wear a girdle? What? No. No. I'm sorry. No, they didn't. Did they say I need to wear a girdle?

Phil:Uh, gee, I can't. I'm uh, playing with my peers.

Phil · Larry:I don't care about being famous or anything like that. No everyone wants to be famous. I don't, honest to God. I mean, it would be really cool if someone from pavement were to see this, but...

Phil · Beverly:we rode the pony all night long. Yuck. That is disgusting. No, no, it was beautiful, and her kid only woke up once.

Phil:Oh, well, Larry won't hire them. I mean, personally, I think it's terrible. I think it's unfortunate and embarrassing for all of us, but, as Larry said, in the super-secret memo, 'if it ain't white, it ain't right.'

Beverly · Phil:You are such an asshole, Phil, you know that? Yeah. You know, if you're writing an article, don't use my name.

Phil:Frasier goes on date. My God in heaven! Don't let me forget to set my VCR!

Phil:And no jury in the world would convict you.

Phil:I can look at anyone, except Victoria Principal, and guess exactly how old they are.

Artie · Phil:Oh, damn it, Phil, how many times do I have to tell you, the shrimp are for guests?

Phil:Hank plays an indian who sits on his own arrow.

Phil:This guy's addicted to crack, and I have a scene where he can't decide whether to kill himself or to masturbate.

Phil:Please come, because if you don't come, I might start doing crack again.

Phil:Do you know if he's gay? Because I'd blow him.

Phil:Well, since you put it that way, I guess it's not so appealing.

Artie · Phil:Those are the last 2 words I want to hear out of your mouth.

Hank · Phil:You're not even Jewish. I am Jewish. No, you're not. I am Jewish!

Phil:You complained to me because it made you look too Jewish.

Larry · Phil:Somebody has been sitting in my chair. Did they also eat your porridge, too? You know, like Goldilocks and the three bears.

Larry · Phil:You've got all of Hank's lines under the name 'Nurse libido.' That's his name in the sketch. Yeah, haven't I told you that you never write Hank's character name on the card? You have to write 'hank,' or he won't read it.

Phil · Writer:Just because you make more money than me doesn't mean you're my boss. Are you nuts? I worked for bob hope. You should be kissing my ass that I even print your shit.

Writer · Phil:Then why do they pay me 1,000 times what you make, huh, jerkby? It's 5 times.

Phil · Writer:Christ, this is the budget. Where did you get this? From my ass!

Phil:I need to make more money. Phil! What? Oh, I'm sorry. Did I just say that out loud? I've been saying it over and over in my head, and I guess one just slipped out.

Phil:Larry does all the punch lines around here.

Phil · Wendy:As do I. / Something else we have in common.

Phil:You guys sound like an Irish spring commercial.

Phil:Larry, girls just aren't that funny.

Phil:Larry doesn't do bunny jokes, OK?

Phil:Well, then you can use it tonight to impress the girls at the whorehouse.

Phil:They're hilarious if you're doing a Tracey Ullman sketch.

Phil:Larry, girls just aren't that funny.

Phil:Larry, girls just aren't that funny.

Phil · Wendy:Those lame observations about shopping that you call jokes? / Oh, my God! I've never written a joke about shopping, Phil. But you wouldn't know that, because you don't read my jokes.

Larry · Phil:And how come there's only one green one? / Uh, that's, um, Ed's. He's not pulling his weight.

Larry · Phil · Larry:All right. Let's find the Ross Perot joke. I'll start with that. / OK. Uh... I think it's blown off of your desk. / Blown off? / What the fuck is this? Did Rip Taylor just come through here?

Phil · Wendy:There were doing nothing, quicklier! / When they did nothing much more quickly.

Phil:Beverly, I didn't know you had a kid.

Phil:I wish I knew how to do that myself.

Brian · Phil:Hey, could you insult us?

Phil:It's more like a concept at this point.

Keith · Actress · Phil:Oh, come on. Have a cookie. So there's nothing for me to read? You want something to read? We got papers here. We got everything.

Phil · Beverly:Beverly, kiss my ass. You show it bare.

Phil:Hey, who'd you fuck to get those?

Phil:He's the kind of guy that would find a way to stamp his name on all the petals.

Phil:His life and times, who he got to fuck. You know, the usual Hollywood bullshit tell-all.

Hank · Phil:Don't boxers abstain from any type of sexual activity before a big fight? Yes, because they are pussies.

Phil:A week... and a half.

Phil:it's gonna be stale by tomorrow afternoon.

Phil:she tells me I make her sick.

Phil:These gophers are also suspected of kidnapping farmers and subjecting them to painful medical probes.

Phil · Artie:You've never thanked me before. Well, the jokes were never that good before.

Hank · Phil:Here. Catch. Then the audience, in unison, shouts, 'hey, now, Hank, go fuck yourself.'

Phil:all you gotta do is come back with a dick-related insult. That's it.

Hank · Phil:what if the heckler's a woman? Well, same thing. You talk about her dick. Makes 'em crazy.

Phil:I don't come down to your job and knock the dick outta your mouth while you're trying to work.

Phil:you can blow me like everyone else on table. At your table.

Phil:I'm sorry. Did I forget To say now?

Phil:Yeah. Well, they say If you're going to quit, You better do it Early in the day.

Phil:It's about a bunch of guys In a ska band in seattle.

Phil:I swear on my mother's life That I was just sick.

Writer · Phil · Writer:Why is it always an asian woman? 2 birds with one stone. What does that mean?

Phil:'cause I had asparagus last night.

Hank · Phil:What can we do, just tie their assholes in a knot? I think that's balloon animals.

Phil:I believe the word 'bad' was bandied about.

Phil:You have the worse handwriting than stephen hawking.

Phil · Hank:No flipping. Shut up, Phil.

Hank · Phil:Really? What kind of car did Sid have? We... we never got to that.

Phil · Larry Sanders:Were they, uh... were they laughing with me or were they laughing at me? Well, at you, but hilarious.

Phil:Not officially.

Phil:Hank, how do you ask somebody out who's seen the inside of your ass?

Phil:How could you tell? Weren't you facing the other way?

Phil:You know, it usually takes several years to get to that level of intimacy.

Phil:I don't know. What do they wear?

Phil · Dr. Monica:how you can date Hank after seeing, you know... inside? / Because I once saw him in a speedo, and I couldn't eat for a week.

Phil · Monica:how you can date Hank after seeing, you know... inside? Because I once saw him in a speedo, and I couldn't eat for a week.

Phil:I probably thought of it as a fucking tailgate party.

Phil:Yeah, I was up till 4:00 in the morning fucking my brains out.

Phil:What is it, some gay holiday? Gay groundhog day?

Phil:You know, on my way into work I figured out what the faggiest car you could drive is. A rose parade float.

Brian · Phil:I drive a saturn. / I stand corrected.

Brian · Phil:Uh, shouldn't you be working on the monologue, Phil? / This is the monologue.

Phil:You know how you can tell you're gay? It's when you lean over and you see 4 balls.

Phil:Gay people makes really dramatic exits... A walk to the door... A graceful pivot... One last look of contempt... And slam!

Brian · Phil:You're a real jerk. / Nice slam!

Phil:[Straining] We are great.

Phil:[Straining] We are great.

Brian · Phil:Phil, do you like my outfit? / Yes, I do. / Isn't it fetching? / Yeah, that's-- that's not the word I'm looking for.

Phil:What, did you get that at the freddy mercury estate sale?

Phil · Artie · Beverly:That's my joke. / He's a fucking asshole. / Absolutely.

Phil:Did you see what he was wearing? This is entrapment!

Artie · Phil · Artie:You know who runs this town? / The jews. / No. The gay jews.

Phil:And I'm gonna be blackballed by the gay jews.

Phil · Larry:I have this buddy Ray... I could take the letters that just spell his name, and then I could put them on the lawn of his house

Phil · Artie:Phil considering Hank's $300/week job with no benefits