The Grand Opening

Hank:Now that sign Says 'applesauce.' No, no. I'm kidding. It says 'applause.'

Martin Mull:This is really very, very Close to a thrill for me.

Martin Mull:I know how much This show means to Larry And what a stickler He is for quality. At least, to the extent That one can have any In television.

Hank:I've been burning the, Uh, bulb at both ends

Hank:That's not the question. What are you gonna Do this weekend?

Martin Mull:Nothing really Aids digestion Quite like Centrifugal force.

Hank:You're A guest host, Guest being the, uh, Operative word here.

Martin Mull:You know what, I think This might fit Nicely up your ass.

Hank:They're reddish-brown, And they-- It completely, um-- It clashes with-- Clashes with The banquette.

Hank:You put him in the genuine Article, and he locks

Hank:No friday night, No next night! No friday night, No next night!

Artie:Did I say Jerry van dyke? I mean joan van ark.

Hank:All my celebrity friends-- And they're just sitting In all these booths, And I get to say To them, 'hey. Hey! This one's on me,' To some of them.

Artie:Larry's on vacation! He's not To be disturbed.

Burt Reynolds:No, actually I don't Live in the big house. I... I live back there in The guesthouse, you see. 'Cause I can't Afford the big house Because of the--

Larry:Yeah, is it that thing You're going through? Divorce.

Burt Reynolds:What does it pay?

Hank:3 times, I heard.

Burt Reynolds:I've been divorced 4 times.

Hank:4 times?

Burt Reynolds:Yeah. Who gives a shit?

Hank:You do.

Burt Reynolds:Course, If you're a smoker, You'd have to smoke And then stop And then light up Again when you came In your section.

Burt Reynolds:Like, uh, smokey and the bandit. That was a-- That was a great idea. And, uh, cannonball run. That was a-- That was a great idea.

Hank:[Snobby voice] Ooh. Bravo.

Artie:It's beginning to smell Like a goddamn locker room.

Hank:Oh, boy, Another ego trip. Yeah. Give a guy A couple of car chases, And all of a sudden He thinks he's An incredible wit.

Hank:My restaurant, At this moment, Has a very specific odor That is not conducive To the art Of fine dining...

Hank:I don't think Anybody's gonna... Come to The grand opening. [Sobbing]

Hank:Even my own wife Is not coming Because there's, You know, 'Sorry, honey, there's A death in the family,'

Hank:You drink water, Arthur. You drink Through your ass!

Hank:This fucking Electrical engineer! You know! This-- This-- this guy, He-- he comes in, He fills in at The last minute, And i-- I'm supposed to-- I'm supposed to think That this guy Knows fuck-all About anything!

Hank:Oh, shit, If I had a gun! If I had a gun, Artie!

Phil:He's telling me About his troubles At the restaurant. But you're Not in there. He doesn't know that.

Artie:well, he's been in the men's room for an hour now... vomiting and weeping.

Instead of Saying 'hank's Look-around cafe,' It says 'Look-round cafe.'

Hank:Ah, that's ok.

Artie:It is?

Hank:Mm-hmm.

Artie:You sure? 'Cause I could try To go out and buy an 'a.'

Hank:Won't last forever.

Hank:And it's called, uh-- Uh...

Hank:I'm gonna take A long fuckin' walk.

Jerry Seinfeld:Hey, is this How things usually Work around here?

Larry:Yeah.

Jerry Seinfeld:I wrote this, Uh, script For your show. Would this be a bad time To give it to you?

Larry:Yeah! Yeah.

Larry:If this fucking booth Starts to rotate, I swear to god...

Larry:I'm gonna shove it Up Hank's ass If he ever gets here, The son of a bitch.

Jerry Seinfeld:He's just weird.

Larry:That's exactly What ours does.

Larry:Yeah. It's 9:30 a.M. We looked for you All night, Hank. No!

Hank:Make it go back. Make it go back. Turn back the world.