Larry's Agent

Larry:What is it, one of those heaven can wait type of movies?

No. No.

Larry:Maybe if we knew that, we could figure out, Ah, it's a so-and-so doll. We'll work backwards.

It's a story about a man who's finding himself.

Larry:Aw, bullshit. It was an excellent show.

Artie:Oh, you always do this when you're renegotiating your contract.

Stevie:Just remember, you've got the network by the balls. They can't do this job.

Artie:Fucking little snot. He's too busy playing with his balls to shake my hand.

Artie:You're always supposed to shake a man's hand.

Larry:Ask me who the guests are tomorrow night. I'd tell you.

Larry:Who are the guests tomorrow night?

Barry:I'd rather not say.

Larry:Ok.

Artie:Not shooting one of those fucking infomercials, are you?

Artie:For one of those infomercials.

Hank:No.

Artie:Telethon?

Hank:No, to go on the road.

Hank:A little soft shoe, you know like Sammy used to do, but with a twist. What's the twist? I'm doing it.

Artie:That's quite a twist, Hank.

Hank:You need a hard surface, and my place has that wall-to-wall shag.

Artie:I'm sure your driveway will do just fine.

Artie:You've sunk all your money in that silly restaurant, and now you're completely fucked. 100% fucked.

Hank:Front row center at the El Toro Civic Arena exactly 4 weeks from tonight.

Hank:"Spinning Wheel," but, you know, with a Latin flavor.

Artie:Hank, you don't open with a showstopper.

Larry:I thought we were going to go after Letterman money.

Leo:Well, Letterman had to leave a network in order to get that kind of money.

'Cause I hear he's getting fucked.

Oh, he's getting fucked.

Larry:I don't know. Would you just pass on that amount? All right.

Artie:Can you feed this young hellcat, too?

Larry:Beverly, this is Stevie Grant.

Stevie:Hi.

Larry:Beverly, my assistant. The voice on the phone.

Beverly:Coming from an agent, I'll take that with a grain of salt.

Stevie:Look out. She's a sassy one.

Stevie:Look out. She's a sassy one.

Beverly:I beg your pardon?

Stevie:She's a client. She's a big pain in the ass.

Beverly:She's very nice.

Stevie:She's a big pain in the ass. She's very nice. Well, she's an actress.

Hank:Your tickets will be at 'will call' under Mr. Stevie Grant, super-agent, plus one.

Stevie:Let's play it by ear, honcho.

Hank:Ok...Big guy.

Larry:Is it my imagination or are you clicking?

Hank:Yeah. These are the, uh, tap shoes. Why? For dancing, silly.

Hank:Call Darlene and tell her I need that 5-pound bag of sand onstage. ASAP.

Artie:He's doing that big tap number from Lawrence of Arabia. It's a killer.

Stevie:Just you, Larry. Good to know.

Artie:I learned how to shake a man's hand before I learned how to wipe my own ass!

Artie:Do you always fuck on the first date?

Artie:You know all Leno's got on Friday? Sandra Bernhard and Carrot Top.

Artie:I told him to go with a samba, not with a salsa, if he's gonna do the Latin thing.

Larry:Isn't it 'come down'?

Artie:He's scatting.

Leo:Just give me my standard 10% of Larry's portion.

Artie:You wash, I'll dry.

Francine:Larry has a dishwasher.

Artie:You rinse, I'll load.

Larry:Not the nuts.

Leo:You know, Leo? Ohhh.

Larry:No. Thick shirt.

Doc:I mean, he shit all over my career.

Larry:Right.

Doc:Just like Ed McMahon, you have an act.

Hank:Well, I wear many hats, you know.

Doc:Now, that's quite an act.

Ok, ok, ok. Now, what's funny about that? Tell Melanie 5:30 instead of 6:00.

He's Italian. She's from Wisconsin.

Macaroni and cheese.

Larry:I like New York. You know, the, uh, museums, the park. You know, you can walk everywhere.

Stevie:I happen to, uh, you know, hate New York. But on the show, you're always talking about what a great city it is.

Larry:Well, um, I also happen to talk about what a great city Jacksonville is because we have affiliates there.

Larry:I happen to hate New York. Well, um, I also happen to talk about what a great city Jacksonville is because we have affiliates there.

Larry:When did this become a 'screw 'em' situation? Just roughly?

Stevie:Who's Francine?

Hank:Yeah. See? Tommy, I think-- See, right there, you know?

Artie:Could be worse. You could be in Leno's band.

Hank:I think I'm just gonna sing the 'bwaa.' I mean, you know, make it like a joke. That's funny, huh?

Artie:Hank has got a pair of cojones the size of Texas. You gotta give him that.

Hank:Do any of you guys have a bassoon in your car or-- A bassoon? Yeah.

Stevie:It's the worst piece of shit I've ever seen. Hey, you should really consider replacing him if New York happens.

Stevie:How can you stand it? It's the worst piece of shit I've ever seen.

Stevie:You're a quadruple threat. You're a singer, a dancer, a raconteur, and a singer again because you're just that good.

Larry:He's 2-faced, and he's weird. He's just plain weird, Artie.

Beverly:Hank fired his agent this afternoon. Because he thinks that Stevie's gonna represent him, right?

Artie:Little prick. Sickening.

Hank:See you Friday, Stevie!