Artie's Gone

Beverly:There's only two seasons in this city-- rainy and riot.

Beverly:A little rain, and this whole town shuts down. They said he has the flu. Bullshit.

Artie:There's a goddamn house that's sitting right here in the middle of the road! Don't ever move to Malibu, it's a fucking hellhole.

Paula:That's why I live in the valley.

Artie:I'd like you to fill in for me... And don't tell Larry that I'm not there because you know how he gets when I'm not around.

Artie:Two years is two days in Darlene time.

Paula:Spot clean... Yesterday he said something about spot cleaning.

Hank:Absent, detained, not-o here-o.

Darlene:Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

Hank:Hey, stow that shit, sailor.

Hank:That's the spirit-- gallows humor.

Paula:It's not a joke.

Larry:You're 28.

Paula:26.

Larry:Thanks for your support.

Writer:We don't have lunch till 5:30.

Paula:Before brunch.

Writer:Brunch it is.

Paula:Larry hates your magic tricks.

Hank:This isn't magic. This is an illusion.

Larry:And what crawled up his ass and died?

Hank:No way... Take off my shoe and look inside.

Larry:That's amazing. How'd you do that?

Hank:Magic.

Larry:Fuck!

Paula:Robert, hi. I'm sorry, honey... Work is so crazy today.

Paula:I was going to tell you about it.

Darlene:I haven't seen him since we broke up.

Paula:I know.

Darlene:I don't want to see him--

Paula:I believe he's speaking with Elayne Boosler...

Larry:For lead?

Paula:I don't know. That's just one option.

Larry:Like who?

Paula:Jody Watley.

Larry:Funny.

Paula:She's a singer.

Larry:I know.

Larry:Let's try and find someone Donald Trump hasn't screwed.

Artie:Have a glass of wine... You don't have to drink it, Paula. Just walk in front of the audience with it.

Paula:The way I look now, it won't relax anyone to see me with alcohol.

Larry:We don't have a lead guest, do we?

Larry:Hank will try and jam in a stupid magic trick.

Larry:Dance all night, dudes.

I was told I was on first... But when Hank called, I came right over.

Steven:You do a great job... as a sidekick.

Hank:What a nice compliment.

Steven Wright:Hey, man. I don't even know what an ego thing is, man.

Bruno:This fucking show is run so fucking sloppy. This would never happen on Letterman.

Steven:Right. It's amateur night in Dixie.

Larry:But I suppose it's a dry heat and I'm just an old fuck.

Robert:You know what? I knew you would say that.

Richard Simmons:The woman's crazy. I was talking to the guy next to her.

Larry:Why can't they say it has a success rate of 74%?

Larry:This is just an example of some people seeing the condom as 1/4 empty when it's really 3/4 full.

Paula:He says you're doing great.

Paula:He's waving.

Larry:I can't make him out, but good.

Larry:You know, in L.A., you can't be too sure what that popping is.

Larry:He was wonderful in City Slickers.

Hank:Wonderful.

Hank:No, he was not in City Slickers.

Hank:You're thinking of someone else.

Larry:You're right, and I'm wrong... Well, if you're going to be that way about it.

Steven Wright:Coming out with you is like something is dragging on my foot.

He's saying you stick to his shoe like toilet paper, which I think is rude.

Bruno:New York.

Steven:The Gap.

Bruno:From the Gap?

Steven:Yeah, but I got mine first.

Larry:I used to dance like that in high school, by the way.

Paula:Artie wasn't even here. He was in a mud slide. It was just me.

Larry:You're what? 28?

Hank:26.

Artie:Oh, christ!

Paula:It was an accident. I shouldn't drink.

Artie:Horse hockey.

Larry:Smells like the 10 of clubs.

Larry:My card was the 4 of diamonds, asshole.