Paula

Paula · Larry:- The monologue. - There's a monologue in every show.

Paula:This is an office, not a club. David, I know this is total torture... but you gotta do your act for me so Larry can hear the content.

Paula:You make that little face? That is so Spade, and Larry loves that.

Paula:You will not. You will not change a thing. That's what this show needs... penis, and plenty of it.

Paula · Dana:She's the one who reminds me I can't say "cocksucker" when I'm a guest. - Now you're the host, so feel free. - Cocksucker.

Beverly · Paula:He's the star of the show, Paula. - No duh, Beverly.

Paula:You wouldn't catch black folks doing this. The man takes charge. And the woman gets what she wants without making a fuss.

Paula · Larry Sanders:Look at this! We have the world's best skier under the age of four. Very funny. Pass.

Paula · Artie:Geography quiz. But I'm working on a new guest now. Who's Leno got? Macauley Culkin. Why, you... I'm just kidding you.

Paula:Janet Jackson is out, T. Bone Burnett is in. You were right. She was circling. She got diverted to Reno.

Paula:What do you mean, there's no helicopters? For God's sakes, tell 'em he's a burn victim.

Paula · Beverly:And, we-- I should never have a xanax and wine-- Oh, gosh, me neither.

Larry · Paula:You, uh, slip on the ice? My Hankerciser broke, and I pulled my neck.

Paula:That's why I live in the valley.

Artie · Paula:I'd like you to fill in for me... And don't tell Larry that I'm not there because you know how he gets when I'm not around.

Paula:Spot clean... Yesterday he said something about spot cleaning.

Hank · Paula:That's the spirit-- gallows humor. [Paula] It's not a joke.

Larry · Paula · Paula:You're 28. / 26. / Thanks for your support.

Writer · Paula · Writer:We don't have lunch till 5:30. / Before brunch. / Brunch it is.

Paula · Hank:Larry hates your magic tricks. / This isn't magic. This is an illusion.

Paula:Robert, hi. I'm sorry, honey... Work is so crazy today.

Paula · Darlene · Darlene:I was going to tell you about it. / I haven't seen him since we broke up. / I know. I don't want to see him--

Paula · Larry · Paula:I believe he's speaking with Elayne Boosler... For lead? I don't know. That's just one option.

Larry · Paula · Larry · Paula · Larry:Like who? / Jody Watley. / Funny. / She's a singer. / I know.

Artie · Paula:Have a glass of wine... You don't have to drink it, Paula. Just walk in front of the audience with it.

Paula:The way I look now, it won't relax anyone to see me with alcohol.

Paula · Paula · Larry:He says you're doing great. / He's waving. / I can't make him out, but good.

Paula:Artie wasn't even here. He was in a mud slide. It was just me.

Paula · Artie:It was an accident. I shouldn't drink. / Horse hockey.

Paula:No. Baywatch was renewed.

Paula:It's Leno now, right?

Paula · Artie:Jason Alexander? Uh, only if we can't get Michael Richards or Jerry Seinfeld.

Paula · Artie:Mary Lou retton? Marilu henner. Oh, thank God. The last thing we need is Larry on those uneven bars again.

Paula · Artie:Oh, my gosh! Good one, Artie. Oh, I liked their first album, but the second one was a disappointment.

Hank · Paula:Are we ordering lunch? No, Hank. We're not. Oh, because I heard someone mention potatoes, and I... I can have those on my new diet.

Paula · Larry:His agent said he wouldn't be feeling well tonight. Yeah, I've had that.

Paula:Well, perhaps the fact that we pay them scale and send 'em home with a piece of shit t-shirt and hat...

Paula · Beverly:Okay, what he said was: 'I really appreciate the effort you put into your job each day.' Ooh, girl, you are fucked.

Paula:And screw you, you glorified 10%-taking butt boy.

Larry · Paula:But it's in the shape of a hat? No, really, Larry, it's kind of embarrassing, because even the arsenio people gave out bathrobes with his big ol' triangle-shaped head on the back.

Paula:even the arsenio people gave out bathrobes with his big ol' triangle-shaped head on the back

Paula:Not if I kill myself before 5:30.

Phil · Paula:Is that suzanne pleshette? Phil, get out!

Paula:War of the roses is one of Larry's favorite films. Did I mention that?

Paula · Hank:Because twice today, he said that I was doing a really good job. Oh... I didn't know he said it twice.

Beverly · Paula:You're digging a mighty deep hole over there. Good. Then I can jump in after I shoot myself in the head.

Paula · Beverly:Just think of whatever you would ask a potato lady. And that's all there is to it? And put question marks at the end so Larry knows that they're questions.

Paula:And put question marks at the end so Larry knows that they're questions.

Paula · DeVito:Um, I think it's just tremendous what you're doing here for juvenile diabetes. And I don't know if you know this, but Larry has low-blood sugar. It's not the same. Is it? It's not the same.

Paula:Are you telling me that you can't walk 200 feet to plug your own movie? It'll be great exposure, and it'll prevent Larry from firing me. Please?

Larry · Paula:Where is he? He's in make-up. One more segment with the potato lady, and then Danny... I'm not doing a dumb segment with the potato lady.

Paula:You wouldn't believe that lengths I have to go to. The other week, when Tom hanks tried to back out, I had to cry and feign illness.

Paula:muffin mania gifts. It's endless.

Paula · Larry:Bob uecker, Shari Lewis, and the seashell man. And sting. Oh, have we got sting? You betcha. Great.

Paula · Artie:Because he thinks if you can see the colors, it's easier to pick the flavor.

Paula · Artie:Oh, your mind amazes me! I'm just now comfortable with it myself.

Paula:Well, there's some chimps at Live at 5 who might be available.

Hank · Paula:What are you drinking? Red zinger and gin.

Paula · Hank:No. No, I book talent. I don't get coffee. Then could you book David Copperfield on the show, and when he gets here, have him pull a cup of coffee out of his ass?

Paula:I thought you said it made me look like Pat Benatar's shorter, fatter sister.

Paula:It's got A flashlight, Compass, stopwatch. I can do anything With this.

Paula:You should have kept jerry and fired phil for being a lying prick.

Paula · Phil:Well, I charmed his ass. I told him roxanne was my favorite movie. I inquired about his play... in other words, you promised to blow him? Ho ho ho, Phil, you know all my little tricks, don't you?

Paula · Phil:Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, little big man. Steve Martin's not doing this sketch. He's just paneling. Well, that may have been the case, but, uh, I'd like you to send it to him.

Paula:Oh, goody! That means you'll be gone in a month.

Paula · Phil:Yeah, he got the fax, and he's got some problems. He thinks you're making fun of mute people. It is a takeoff on the piano. It does not work without a mute.

Phil · Paula:Well, thanks for your help, bitch. Oh, that'd be so much hotter if you were wearing your tie.

Paula · Phil:Go fuck yourself. Do my job? You do it, asswipe. You get on the phone and find a last-minute replacement for Steve Martin, someone willing to do a hack's sketch about the piano, which, by the way, is 6 months too late. Nice topical meter, dipshit.

Paula · Unknown:That bobcat has got serious mental problems. / Paula, don't say 'balls.' Men find that off-putting. / Don't say 'tip.'

Larry · Paula:not enough oxygen to the brain as a fetus, that's my first guess. / That would be mine.

Larry · Paula:What happened? / He married her.

Paula · Larry:Your fly's open. / Thank you. / Don't mention it. Part of my job. / Looking at my crotch? / I consider it a perk.

Paula · Larry:Your fly's open. / Thank you. / Don't mention it. Part of my job. / Looking at my crotch? / I consider it a perk.

Paula:You're just mad because the only bracelets you have are made out of shoelaces.

Paula:Magicians?

Paula:Oh! Oh! It's true!

Paula · Larry:Good! And your hair's the same color as last week. That's good. Thank you.

Larry · Paula:Pay up, everybody. So, Paula, you, uh... Paula, how much did you win? $200. So you bet that I had a drug problem. Yes, sir. Well, consider that a Christmas bonus.

Paula:She made him clean the hair out of her tub.

Paula:I've earned the right to leave the room.

Darlene's letter · Paula:Has she lost any weight? No!

Paula:You have to forgive me. I've got my period.

Paula:Well, how do you know I wasn't lying the last time?

Paula:I think he's very sexy, and I'd like to sleep with him.

Paula:Good. I'm so tired of all the neurotic pussies around here.

Paula · Artie:Melissa gilbert. Oh, for Christ's sake. How are you gonna generate some heat around Melissa gilbert? Ladies and gentlemen, Melissa gilbert! Wa-hoo!

Paula · Artie:Michael chiklis. Who in hell is Michael chiklis? The commish. No, that was my imitation of America. Who the hell is Michael chiklis?

Artie · Paula:So we don't have him? We don't have him, but I thought since you were friends with him, you could ask him.

Larry · Paula:Why don't you ask one of your friends? OK. I'll ask my friend Jill. Great. Jill who? You don't know her. She works at killer shrimp.

Paula · Larry:And about the walkathon, you don't have to feel obligated to... / Paula, come on. I'm not destitute, for God's sake.

Larry · Paula:How much was it? / I think it was 25 doll... you know what? It was $10 a mile. / That's fine. / It was $5.00 a mile. / If it's $5.00 a mile, that's fine.

Paula:Granted, he's no John tesh

Paula:Well, you know, my hooker days are over.

Paula · Stevie:The little guy, the hyper guy? Mm-hmm. I don't think so. He's more of a conan o'brien act. Conan won't put him on.

Paula · Stevie:I can't do this with Larry watching me. It gives me the creeps. Doing it in front of my clients turns me on. I feel my power.

Stevie · Paula:Of course not. I already told you I'm doing this for 5 years and then I'm getting out. You're so deluded. OK. 8 years.

Stevie · Paula:Oh, my God, are you pregnant? No, but it's nice to see what your reaction would be.

Paula:Oh, I'm sure he'd be so thrilled to hear about Ed begley Jr.'s fucking electric car.

Paula · Artie:she, uh, got a really bad cold and she can't make it. I see, a cold. Yeah, it's pretty serious.

Paula · Artie:She was skiing in Aspen and she, uh, got a really bad cold / and she can't make it. / I see, a cold. / Yeah, it's pretty serious.

Paula:He is lame. Everybody in town thinks so. He's not funny.

Paula · Stevie:Hey, you... you didn't get back together with me just so you could get Jennifer aniston back on the show, did you? Of course not.

Paula · Unknown:Hmm? I said good morning. Ok. God! Don't be a prick about it.

Paula:I have a lump in my breast.

Paula:Don't hug, because then it feels serious and cancerous.

Paula:And please stop staring at my tits.

Paula:It's not just the fact that I might die, but my doctor said I can't have coffee anymore... It's turning me into a colossal bitch.

Paula:Just go straight up your ass and turn left.

Paula:So I say, 'hoist another cup of joe to lumpy.'

Unknown · Paula:There's, like, no smoking in the office, dipshit. Fuck you. I'm, like, alive, dipshit.

Paula:You're the one who doesn't have to listen to these pathetic guests bitch and moan every time there's a little change. Apparently, their little acting classes...

Paula:You fuck you, asshole.

Larry · Paula:Don't worry about that... that thing you do with your voice. What thing? Well, it just... it just cracks a bit.

Paula · Larry:I make phone calls. I ask people to do the show. Uh-huh. They say no. Right. I tell you, and you make me cry.

Beverly · Paula:you want to hold your chin up, 'cause it made your face look kind of chunky. I hate that word chunky. How chunky?

Paula:His skirt was at the dry cleaners, so there was a conflict. He couldn't do it.

Paula:Because black people find Larry to be white.

Hank · Paula:You want me to turn gay, don't you? Oh... yes, please. Make all of San Francisco's dreams come true.

Paula:It's just Larry hogs all the freebies.

Paula · Beverly:She's in love with wesley snipes. Well, he's really cute, but I... excuse me.

Beverly · Paula:People always say that, but, you know, when I put the stuff on my face, I break out. She can get her money back.

Paula:Baby, you're talkin' like it's Friday, and it's only Wednesday.

Paula:This is not the cat counter at petco, OK?

Paula:God! Kiss ass much?

Paula:Did you ask if she'd sleep with you? 'Cause then you nailed it.

Larry · Nicolette · Paula:Paris. Paula... I know. I heard.

Paula · Marylou:What is wrong with you? Nicolette sheridan was on the show last night. I know, but she's on my calendar for tonight, too.

Paula:Cock suck, I don't understand it.

Paula:Letterman already does that.

Artie · Paula:and in 6 months, I replaced him. You don't have to worry about that. Ha! That's exactly what I said to Bob Sterling.

Paula:you know how well I react to gestures of sentimentality.

Paula · Larry:he looks kind of green to me. Well, I had a bad piece of fish.

Paula:Phil writes better and faster when he's unhappy, and we don't have tonight's monologue. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Larry · Paula:I just can't... what, did I push too hard? Did I do something wrong? Did I not produce the show?

Paula:I'm not your type. My breasts are real.

Paula:But lucky for you, one of bobby berosini's chimps fell off his bike, so you can have 5 minutes Friday night.