Next Stop...Bottom

Artie:When you have meetings with her lawyer, always wear the same suit. That way they think it's the only one you own. They don't rape you so much on the fucking alimony.

Hank:That is what Chinese man say when he go to dentist. He say, 'uh-oh. Uh-oh, my tooth hurting.'

Hank:Let us blow Mr. Neil Callaham's mind.

Hank:Callaham.

Hank:No, the first one kind of took the wind out of my sails.

Larry:Do I call you Sarah or Sarah Jessica Parker? Or Sarah Jessica?

Sarah Jessica Parker:Whatever you'd like. Really.

Larry:Well, I'll call you Sal.

Hank:You know, we had Patricia Arquette on the show the other night. And she died the death of a dog.

Sarah Jessica Parker:I have a boyfriend.

Hank:I thought we could shoot a few games. You know, I got my own cue and balls.

Sarah Jessica Parker:Well, I have my own cue also. He's in New York, and he'll be flying in tonight.

Sarah Jessica Parker:Besides, Hank, you're old enough to be my father.

Ouch.

Hank:How old is your father?

Sarah Jessica Parker:It's Matthew Broderick. I date Matthew Broderick.

Hank:Hey, hey, no pressure. If tomorrow's better, hey, I'm fly with that. You're fly.

Larry:Oh, you hate being hit on by desperate men, too?

Hank:I got a bottle of champagne at home with your name on it.

And what name would that be?

Brut.

Hank:Oh, I like them small and compact.

Stage Manager:Then why don't you go fuck a Toyota?

Hank:Wow, and a sense of humor.

Hank:Wow, and a sense of humor. No one loves me. No one really cares.

Tight little body. Your breasts.

Hank:Hank.

Assistant:Hank! Come on.

Artie:After my first wife gave me the gate, I went on a binge of sex, drugs, and 180-proof Everclear that lasted for three years.

Artie:After my fourth divorce, I was able to squeeze the same amount of debauchery into a long weekend.

Artie:Shock, denial, fear, booze, boners, acceptance.

Hank:Well, how much just to jack me off?

Prostitute:150 cash up front.

Prostitute:You know, when you go to a gas station, they ask you to pay first, so it's a precedent, you know.

Prostitute:When you go to a gas station, they ask you to pay first, so it's a precedent, you know.

Prostitute:Hey, hey, hey. No. No kissing. I don't work that way.

Prostitute:Used to make cat noises when I blew him. Jeez. You kind of look like him.

Hank:Rrrr. Mmm. Woof! I'm all right. Aiiee. Arf, arf.

Larry:Hank's not doing the show? How will we survive? Will there be a tomorrow? God in heaven, save us!

Hank:I'm in show business, so I'm a little bit of a whore, too.

Prostitute:You calling me a whore?

Hank:I'm not calling you a whore. No, no. I'm just saying that, you know, you're different from the other wh... from the other girls.

Prostitute:One time I did this guy named... uh, what's his name? Andy Richter.

Hank:Get out.

Prostitute:God, you sidekicks are all alike.

Network Executive:A friend of mine said that he saw Mr. Kingsley sitting in a hotel bar with a prostitute.

Artie:Your friend is mistaken.

Artie:He sees a bald man with a hooker. Automatically, it's Hank Kingsley. I wasn't aware Carl Reiner's out of town.

Hank:You only care about me because you're my agent. I pay you 10% to care about me.

Sid:7½%, you cheap bastard.

Sid:You've been married to the same lady for 56 years. I'm thinking of getting out.

Helen:I did him once. In 1956. It was only the one time. Now we're dear, dear friends.

Larry:Darlene, he's hit bottom and broke through to another bottom I know nothing about.

Raoul:Great show last night. You were really funny, as always. Hold on. What's your name? Raoul.

Hank:And that is the effect, apparently, that I'm having on the American fucking viewing public!

Artie:Raul Julia was here?

Hank:Raoul the waiter.

Artie:This is a Beretta 9mm Centurion. You just pick that baby up. It'll do the job for you.

Artie:Listen, I'm gonna give housekeeping 20 bucks. I mean, you won't feel a fucking thing, but they're the ones who are gonna have to suffer.

Larry:No one cares because I'm the boss. The boss has no problems. Sometimes, I swear to God, I feel like I should just end it all.

Artie:You can always blow your head off. Safety's off. Ready to go. The divorce gun.

How close did Hank come to shooting himself?

Artie:Oh, that fucking baby. He started crying the second I pulled it out.

Larry:Gosh, this brings back memories.