Arthur's Crises

Larry:That's something my ex-wife used to tell me.

Beverly:Artie go out to lunch?

Larry:He never goes out to lunch.

Beverly:When I get stressed out, I retain water. Every year before the emmys, I puff up like a fucking blowfish.

Beverly:Beverly's frantic fan-girl meltdown over Clint Black

Artie:I have to give you a check for the coffee table and the lamp.

Donna:No, sir. I intend to make you work for what you owe.

Larry:What are you doing? Now we don't have a lookout. Now, if he comes in, he's gonna see... his calendar.

Larry:Where is Artie?! Would you keep it down?

Hank:You have to speak up, Larry! I can't hear ya!

Larry:First, she steals Snyder. Now she's trying to steal Artie. Fuckers!

Hank:August, I think!

Darlene:Darlene volunteering to sing with Clint Black

Artie:It's great to find some places never change... except for John, the chef. He's dead.

Artie:We split it.

Larry:Yeah, well, good. Fascinating.

Artie:So we're screwing each other silly. Is that what you want to know about?

Artie:Ever since I pissed in Larry Tisch's pool on labor day, I've been persona non grata at black rock.

Larry:You cbs whore.

Larry:Well, no, not if you're riding fence.

Hank:They'll cut you like a ripe tomato, OK?

Listen, no matter what they tell you, no matter what Larry tells you, they'll cut you like a ripe tomato, OK?

Larry:You must be one hell of a lay.

Artie:I'm also a good cook, and I mix a stiff drink. Every last one of my wives said they would have divorced me years before, but they just couldn't face life without my herbs and spices.

Artie:I'm lying for love.

Larry:You didn't just say tough titty, did you?

Artie:Tough titty!

Artie:Tough titty!

Larry:You didn't just say tough titty, did you?

Artie:Tough titty!

Artie:I'm afraid I'm going to turn into a lonely old geezer wondering whether your melon got chopped up or whether I told you that your ass isn't fat.

Larry:My ass is fine. My ass is great. I never felt better about my ass.

Artie:Then maybe you and your fat ass can go fuck yourselves.

Wardrobe:Here's your fucking suit.

Larry:Where are the pants?

Wardrobe:They're letting them out in the butt.

Larry:You mean the crotch?

Larry:You're the happiest we've ever had on the show.

Clint Black:You just need to find your Lisa.

Larry:I think you're my Lisa, and I think I'm yours.

Artie:Oh, jeez! What the fuck!