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Larry Sanders:I had a smoke detector installed in my ass, and I don't hear any beeping

Larry Sanders:My ass takes 'd' cells. I'll check it later.

Artie:I'd do it, Hank, but I made plans to put all my cash in a bag and toss it over a cliff

Larry Sanders:I can't even afford a bag

Artie:We should just hire a fucking woodpecker for a sidekick

Beverly:Don't think of her as a person. Just think of her as an employee.

Larry Sanders:Oh! I was just stretching.

Larry Sanders:Can't wait to meet your sisters the Pinta and the Santa Maria

Nina:I've heard that one before.

Larry Sanders:Well, it dates back to 1492.

Nina:I don't doubt it.

Oh! Oh! Why weren't the cameras still rolling?!

Phil:Frasier goes on date. My God in heaven! Don't let me forget to set my VCR!

Artie:Phil, scurry back to your hutch and cogitate a little more, my boy

Artie:If we do this desk piece, the audience will rush the stage and burn down the desk

Artie:Don't tell us! Tell the career suicide hotline! Bye-bye!

Larry:Well, that's what separates you from the others. It's a classic. It works, you know?

Hank:What cologne are you wearing?

Larry:Sand dabs. I don't like to eat them. I just rub them on.

Larry Sanders:I am a sick fuck. I'm a sick, sick fuck.

Nina:No, you're a great fuck.

Larry:Because you're just clearly younger than me and yet more together, and I find that depressing.

Nina:Nacho?

Larry:Promise?

Nina:Cheese?

Larry Sanders:I don't think so. I didn't adopt her, I just slept with her.

Hank:Wouldn't I like to give her the old pork sausage? Hello, Jimmy Dean. Enh. Enh.

Hank:Larry? I wanna thank you for 8 wonderful years. This is my gift to you. And I love you.

Artie:Comes the waterworks. I'm outta here.

Hank:If anybody should be fucking her, it should be me. I'm closer to her age than Larry.

Beverly:Between the O.J. verdicts, Showgirls, and Larry dating an 18-year-old, that's it. I'm killing myself.

Phil:And no jury in the world would convict you.

Phil:I can look at anyone, except Victoria Principal, and guess exactly how old they are.

John Stamos:I go to see a movie, I guess, probably once every couple weeks.

Larry Sanders:Absolutely.

John Stamos:Right.

Larry Sanders:There you go.

John Stamos:You can get alcohol there just in case the show's a little slow.

John Stamos:Are you seeing anyone?

Larry:What's going on... no. No. No, single. Single. Yes. Dating around? What do you... yeah, well. Yeah. Who you dating? Anyone we know? Anyone... no. No one... no one to speak of.

Hank:We've been together 8 years... being sentimental. You know. I just... but in a professional, platonic way.

Artie:You are very close to sexual harassment.

Larry Sanders:What the fuck do you think you're doing? It's a beautiful song, and I have feelings, and thank you for ruining it.

Larry Sanders:I don't give a fuck about a horse. I have a car.

Larry Sanders:Or should I say, glad you could Sta-mos?

Larry Sanders:This appears to be the Saved by the Bell reunion.

Larry Sanders:Hey, they let O.J. go, didn't they? Come on. Isn't that enough?

Shawn Colvin:That's good, well, maybe they'll pop for the bill. One can only hope.

We just lie in bed together and laugh at you.

Larry Sanders:I often read the menu right before I actually order. Otherwise, I find them boring.

Hank:He jumped the rail, and he dumped the jockey, and he ran across the infield... he got into the parking lot and out onto Colorado Boulevard.

Hank:I don't know how, but he got into the parking lot and out onto colorado Boulevard.

Hank:We should be expecting 2, maybe 3 lawsuits.

Beverly:You need to go through a lot of pain to be interesting.

Larry Sanders:I didn't get interesting until after my first marriage, and then I was so fucking interesting, I couldn't get out of bed for a month.

Larry Sanders:Fucking John Stamos. I can't believe they're still there.

Larry Sanders:I talked to John Stamos for 11 minutes the other night on the show, and you want... I nearly went into a coma.

Larry Sanders:You're gonna have a great time.