Everybody Loves Larry

Network Executive:Really? Which one?

Arthur:George Mcatee. He's a wonderful Character actor. He played the janitor With the shaky leg On episode 14.

How, may you ask? Well, they're all The same man-- john tesh.

Network Executive:Well, Of course not. No. That would be The news.

Arthur:A permanent guest host Is a backup quarterback. Ooh, I'm so sorry, Melanie. I don't follow sports. I love those earrings.

Hank:My god, if this car gets me Just one third the pussy That man got, I die a happy man.

Brian:Don't put yourself down. I bet you get half.

Elvis Costello:I don't wanna be One of those sad Male menopause guys, You know, drivin' around In their sports car, You know, looking for pussy. Nothing sadder.

Hank:That's why they sold Alaska to us for-- For nothing.

Larry:by louis farrakhan's Account We have 750,000 here tonight.

this is The first time in a long time That someone Was actually trying To get out of madonna.

Calling her, Uh, mom 'mama.' Calling her dad 'Sperm donor.'

David Duchovny:It's like the shining up here. This damn show.

Hank:¡hola, jefe! ¡gracias, senoritas and caballeros!

Hank:2 more shows, And it's a week Of fun in the sun.

Brian:These language tapes Are really Paying off for you.

Artie:I hope you don't ask Everyone you meet Which way My peter teeters.

Larry:Do you know what I'm talking about? Huh?

Hank:I spent last night Out at hollywood park, Begging for jump-starts From race-track scum. This morning I had a delightful hour On the side of the 405, Rehanging the muffler With my goddamn necktie.

Hank:But I spent twice Your annual salary On this car. It blows out smoke That smells like A dead horse. When I touch the cd player And the steering wheel At the same time I get a shock. And the engine stalls out If I cut a fart.

Hank:What you're smelling Is pure driving power.

Hank:Of course there's Something wrong. Get a fucking mop And meet me in the garage.

Jon Stewart:Then we have This other thing, Which reminds me A lot of my old show, Which was not as popular, And, in fact, They stopped making.

Artie:The incomparable Charles nelson reilly.

Jon Stewart:Again?

Larry:'The truth Is out there.' What does that mean?

Beverly:It's from the show.

Larry:Yeah, look at me. I'm gorgeous. I'm just fucking gorgeous.

Brian:I don't think They think about sex When they watch you.

Larry:Really?

Brian:Really, but I haven't Exactly taken a survey.

Brian:A third think he's gay, A third think he's bi, And the rest don't care. They just want to Kiss him anyways, Which would be me.

Hank:Tally ho, fuck face!

Staff Member:Your car's on fire.

Hank:God damn it! God damn it! When were you Gonna tell me?!

Jon Stewart:I'm gonna talk To brent musberger About abc, And then talk To zsa zsa gabor About brent musberger, And then just Ride that crest Right into Charles nelson reilly. Then I'm gonna hang myself With my own shoelaces.

Larry:Friends? Uh, well, The blowfish are. Hootie-- hootie Seems aloof.

Staff Member:Jon, was your car Parked next to Hank's?

Jon Stewart:Yeah, thank you. That's a great spot.

Larry:You're just trying To get in good With Jon Stewart So that when He pushes me out You'll have a job.

Artie:Oh, Larry, Your girlfriend's On the phone. You better hurry. He's in a good mood Today.

What are you doing?

Hank:I'm mocking him Because he's an asshole.

Hank:Man, I should've Learned my lesson When I bought That moped from sting.

Elvis Costello:There's your problem. You don't buy Anything from sting.

Larry:I am flattered That you are attracted To me and everything, But I don't think I can really respond, Because, clearly, you-- And I support it Completely-- are gay, And I'm straight. That's, um, I'm-- That's ok.

David Duchovny:I'm not-- I'm not gay. I'm-- I'm also straight.

David Duchovny:It's the kind of feeling That I normally have With a woman I like. It's like a warmth Or a buzz. It's definitely A heterosexual feeling, But it's directed At you. It's very Confusing to me.

Elvis Costello:With what you pay me, You're lucky You got the guitar.

Larry:Oh, he's got a little Mad cow disease.

Elvis Costello:Ah, we'll keep him Out of england.

Network Executive:I have seen that Three times.

David Duchovny:God, you really care About me, don't you?

David Duchovny:Are you uncomfortable?

Larry:A little bit.

Artie:You know, you talk To people on television, Next thing, They think that you're Their new best friend.