Brian

Brian:Remember? Everybody put on their protective goggles, and let's all play double danger. Double danger.

Brian:Well, actually, I was the personal assistant to her personal assistant.

Hank · Brian:Oh, our nation's capital. Canada. I know! Canada.

Brian · Hank:Hard-on cream? No, I forgot it.

Hank · Brian:I'll be in my office whacking off. Okay. Uh, I'll hold all your calls.

Brian:The Chinese call it a feng shui, the placement of objects in a room to maximize your harmony and power.

Brian · Hank:You know, the toughest people are the ones who can cry. I'm tough.

Brian:Hey, life, take your best shot, 'cause to Mr. Hank Kingsley, life is a carousel, and the sun is a scoop of ice cream.

Hank · Brian:Are you gay? Yeah, but that was two years ago, and I got over it.

Hank · Brian:Yes, I asked for lanolin. I asked for lanolin. Darlene was with me for six years. She never did this. / Hank, you asked for aloe vera.

Brian:So this has nothing to do with me being gay, does it?

Brian:I worked on a Cruise ship for eight years. I did nothing but play poker. I am going to kick their asses.

Brian · Hank:It was a hiatal hernia. It's a rip in the esophagus... Fucking doctors! I mean, come on!

Brian:No. I just assumed it was near the freeway when it's called the on-ramp theatre.

Hank · Brian:We love our guests. I love my job.

Brian:You will? You'll get down on your knees and you'll put his penis in your mouth?

Hank · Brian:My god, if this car gets me Just one third the pussy That man got, I die a happy man. Don't put yourself down. I bet you get half.

Hank · Brian:¡hola, jefe! ¡gracias, senoritas and caballeros! 2 more shows, And it's a week Of fun in the sun. These language tapes Are really Paying off for you.

Brian · Larry:I don't think They think about sex When they watch you. Really? Really, but I haven't Exactly taken a survey.

Brian:A third think he's gay, A third think he's bi, And the rest don't care. They just want to Kiss him anyways, Which would be me.

Writer · Brian:Oh, those jerks. They spelled my name wrong. Oh, that--Trollop! Yeah, he is.

Brian · Beverly:I--I make $5.00 more a week than you make? Yeah. I mean, don't you think you should make a little bit more than me? Yeah, but I only make $5.00 more than you.

Brian:Have you ever waxed Larry's back? Have you ever poked around in great dane shit looking for a ring?

Hank · Brian:Are you crying? Please, don't do that.

Hank · Brian:You get back on the horse. You get back on the horse and you go. Go where? Wherever the fucking horse goes.

Brian:Rock hudson was gay.

Brian · Phil:Hey, could you insult us?

Artie · Brian:Just like when you hit on Michael landon's wife. He was dead. That woman was sitting shivah.

Artie · Brian:You put your tongue in her mouth. I lost my balance. I was falling over, and I stuck my tongue out to break my fall.

Beverly · Brian:Eww! Nobody wants to hear that, phil. / I do.

Brian · Phil:I drive a saturn. / I stand corrected.

Brian · Phil:Uh, shouldn't you be working on the monologue, Phil? / This is the monologue.

Brian · Phil:You're a real jerk. / Nice slam!

Brian:On august fourth I said I didn't eat meat, and phil said, 'Does that mean your boyfriend has a tofu cock?'

Brian · Beverly:It doesn't even make sense. / What gay guys wear Hawaiian shirts? / Have you been on santa monica boulevard in the last 10 years? / I take sunset.

Brian · Phil:Phil, do you like my outfit? / Yes, I do. / Isn't it fetching? / Yeah, that's-- that's not the word I'm looking for.

Brian:And when I say 'straight,' I mean guys. And when I say 'come,' I mean on my face.

Beverly · Brian:Wow. Larry's monologue really sucks tonight. / Oh, I'm sorry. / No problem.

Beverly · Brian:Well, I was born black. / What? What does that mean? / Well, you chose to be gay.

Brian:Shame about your monologue.

Larry · Brian:Guess what. I just put a lawyer on retainer. / Five fucking grand for one phone call. / Thank you.

Brian · Brian:I wore that outfit just to provoke you. / You know that i, um-- I just bought it that morning.