Where is the Love?

Larry:Now I can get rid of Stephanie.

Artie:Larry, she just had a baby.

Larry:She was pregnant?

Hank:He said this chair is just like having sex.

Larry:So I'll sit in it a couple of times, it'll complain, and then I'll sell it.

What is perfectly adorable, good as new, and has 7 tiny little dents in it?

Larry:Is he on the show? He just came in to tell us that joke?

Larry:What's not to feel?

Hank:But from today on, it would mean so much to me if each of you referred to me as Hank Lepstein.

Artie:This is more along the lines of a preemptive strike.

Hank:He's a sweet guy. He's a genius guy. Not so pretty, but awfully sweet.

Hank:You know, the drinking and the gambling and the cheap sex, and I mean-- oh, what a waste of time.

Artie:Why don't you just lie down there, I'll get you a cold cloth, you poor bastard.

Artie:They run this town. They run it a hell of a lot better than the Asians.

Artie:Morality's just gonna get in the way.

Artie:And I don't want you to fuck that up.

Larry's a talk show host.

Phil:You're not even Jewish.

Hank:I am Jewish.

Phil:No, you're not.

Hank:I am Jewish!

Phil:You complained to me because it made you look too Jewish.

Hank:At least I'm smart enough not to worship a god that sits in the middle of a Chinese restaurant with a sign that says, 'Rub my belly for luck.'

Beverly:A rabbi fits more nicely into a show business environment.

Artie:Well, Phil, I can't believe you're a comedy writer, but we have to take them both on faith.

Hank:This would be a real good place to hide the matzo on Passover.

Hank:Catholic priests can't do that, which is why I believe so many of them have prostate problems.

Hank:Yom Kippur and the 4th of July.

Rabbi Susan:As a Jew you're almost a Methodist.

Rabbi Susan:Call me Susan.

Hank:You have soft skin. I mean-- I mean, for a rabbi.

Artie:Please don't have sex with Hank before the show. It makes his blood sugar drop.

Hank:A friend loveth at all times, but, um, a brother is born for adversity.

Hank:Sally Field wore her hat on The Flying Nun and look at that. That was a big show.

That was a show about a flying nun.

Larry:I'd like to tour the rest of the place.

Hank:I am on God's team, and this is God's cap.

Hank:And besides, I am-- I am looking at the postseason.

Artie:When I was 12, I got baptized, and I didn't shut up about it until a year later when I got laid.

Artie:I talk to the man upstairs on my own time and not in the middle of 'Larry's Funny Photos.'

Beverly:He even made sure that he left early for midnight mass.

Larry:Somebody has been sitting in my chair.

Phil:Did they also eat your porridge, too? You know, like Goldilocks and the three bears.

Stu:But I am behind the camera, where the viewing public cannot see me.

Hank:We live in a racist society. Even behind the camera, apparently.

Hank:You're an uncle Tom.

Artie:They just get a little-- [mimics shock] Little butt hummer.

Artie:Uncle Miltie never wore a yarmulke on his show and neither did Jack Benny.

Hank:You'll get this yarmulke when you pry it off my cold dead head.

Artie:Be careful, she's a hot box here.

Hank:Like the-- Like the Hebrews at Masada.

Hank:Yeah, that sounds like a woman.

Hank:Yeah, that sounds like a woman.

Hank:Right on, sister.

Hank:What the hell are orange Jews?

Artie:Maybe he's referring to the orange juice you endorse.

Artie:That's what the Olsen twins say.

Larry:My ass feels like it's on fire!

Artie:I thought it was Phil.