Diversity Day

Michael:Actually, I've been pushing diversity training since before it was cool. Corporate just... they stole my idea. Those bastards.

Michael:Wait, no, I never actually talked to them about it.

Michael:This paper is made from post-consumer content. Actually, post-consumer contempt. No wait, that's what I feel for my enemies.

Dwight:If they want to play tit for tit, I'm game.

Jim:It's 'nip it in the bud,' not 'nip it in the butt.'

Dwight:False. My way is better. It's more direct and efficient.

Jim:Kevin, you can put that red queen on the black king.

Kevin:I know.

Jim:So why aren't you?

Kevin:I'm saving it. I like to watch the cards do that little flip thing.

Michael:Oscar, this is our diversity trainer. I want you to tell them about your background.

Oscar:My last name is Martinez.

Michael:Martinez. Right. I knew that.

Michael:I'm not colorblind. I see Stanley as a black man.

Stanley:Why would you say that?

Michael:Because I'm not colorblind. I see race. I embrace it. But I don't judge people based on it, which is what colorblindness really means.

Stanley:No, that's not what it means.

Diversity Trainer:Let's start with a simple trust exercise. I'd like everyone to pair up.

Michael:Okay, everyone pair up. And it better not be boy-girl. I want to see some girl-girl action.

Diversity Trainer:That's... not what I meant. Let's try something else. I want you to look your partner in the eye and share something personal.

Michael:Alright, alright. Jim, look me in the eye. I'm going to tell you something very personal. I once photoshopped my face onto a calendar in a very compromising position. I was quite proud of it.

Diversity Trainer:This is not productive. Let me redirect this exercise.

Michael:No, no, I've got a better idea. Everyone stand up. We're going to do a sensitivity training massage circle. And it's mandatory. Very sensual, very educational.

Michael:So, Kevin, is there a particular race you're more attracted to?

Kevin:I'm more of a... I like all the races. You know, like, I'll eat at Applebee's, but I also like Olive Garden. And sometimes I go to Outback Steakhouse.

Michael:Okay, here are the ground rules for diversity training. Rule one: we will all be respectful of each other's differences. Rule two: no one will make fun of anyone else's race, religion, or sexual orientation. Rule three: if anyone violates rules one or two, they will be immediately fired. Wait, no. Rule three: we will all try our best to get along. Actually, you know what? There are no rules. We're all equal here. Except me, I'm the boss. But that doesn't make me better than anyone else. It just means I have more authority. Which is different from being better. So we're all equal, except I have more authority, but that doesn't make me better. You see what I'm saying? It's not a paradox.

Mr. Brown:Hello, I'm Mr. Brown, your diversity trainer.

Michael:Wow, that's... that's bold. I respect that. So this whole thing is a test, right? To see if I react to your name?

Mr. Brown:No, that's actually just my name.

Michael:Right, right. And I'm supposed to act like that's normal.

Michael:You know, my Chris Rock impression is actually pretty good. I mean, have you ever noticed how he does that thing where he...

Michael:...and then he yells? It's brilliant. So the question is, why is my impression so much better than the original?

Michael:I mean, think about it. Just... think about it. Why would my version be superior?

Michael:Because I'm Michael Scott, that's why. Obviously.

Kevin:Keep my wife's name out your mouth!

Michael:Okay, okay, I got this. 'You keep my wife's name out your f***ing mouth!' That's the thing about Chris Rock, right? He just goes for it. No filter.

Michael:He's so edgy, you know? Just completely unafraid. That's what makes him great.

Michael:The punchline of the routine, delivered with Michael's oblivious enthusiasm

Dwight:A hero is someone who has shown courage and self-sacrifice. So you see, a real hero isn't someone who follows the rules. A real hero is someone who breaks the rules for a greater good. Someone who takes justice into their own hands.

Dwight:A hero kills people, Pam. Mercilessly and without emotion.

Trainer:Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there. Um, a hero is someone who selflessly acts for the greater good.

Dwight:Yeah, that's what I said.

Michael:I'm not signing this. I didn't learn anything.

Michael:But I'll sign this one that says I taught something.

Michael:We're way past diversity training. We've evolved. We don't even see race anymore.

Trainer:Okay. Can I just get your signature here?

Michael:See? He's not even listening. We've transcended his material.

Trainer:I just need the signature for my records.

Michael:I, Michael Gary Scott, do solemnly swear...

Michael:...signed, Aladdin.

Michael:I'm gonna sign this with a flourish. Look at that. That's gonna blow her mind.

Michael:The diversity trainer really made a difference here. Everyone's more aware, more sensitive...

Michael:You know, I think my open-door policy and leadership style really created the environment where that training could take root.

Michael:You know what? I don't think this diversity training is working. I wanted an 'Oprah moment' - you know, where everyone cries and hugs and we all learn something about ourselves. Instead, we got... this.

Michael:I'm gonna create an emotional breakthrough that makes that trainer look like an idiot.

Michael:I'm going to get these people to open up and share things they've never shared before.

Michael:By the end of this, there won't be a dry eye in the office.

Toby:Michael, I have a question about the seating arrangement.

Michael:Why would you even ask me that? You know what? I don't want to hear it. You ruin everything. You ruin the vibe, you ruin the energy, and frankly, you're a waste of my time. Get out of my office!

Toby:I was just—

Michael:No! Out!

Michael:I want everyone to feel welcome here. This is a safe space where we can all be ourselves.

Michael:Toby, get the hell out of here.

Michael:Four score and seven minutes ago...

Jim:That was... something.

Michael:What? What do you mean 'something'? That video was gold. Pure gold.

Jim:I just think maybe the message got a little lost.

Michael:Lost? Jim, the only thing lost here is your sense of humor. This is clearly a technical issue. The lighting was bad, the camera was probably out of focus. Did you see how HD it should have been?

Jim:The camera was fine, Michael.

Michael:See, that's what I'm talking about. Technical.

Michael:Namaste.

Michael:I'm one-eighth Native American. My great-great-grandmother was a full-blooded Cherokee.

Oscar:That would make you one-sixteenth, not one-eighth.

Michael:Well, I'm also a little bit more Native American than that.

Michael:Is it offensive to call you Mexican?

Oscar:No, Michael, I am Mexican.

Michael:Right, right. I just wanted to make sure. So what do you prefer? African-American or...

Michael:So what do you think, Jim? Should I apologize to Oscar?

Jim:Yeah, sure, whatever you think is best.

Michael:I have a dream. That one day, people will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character. And also, that they will come to my Dundies.

Michael:Okay, Stanley, you're a Holocaust survivor. Toby, you're a Japanese internment camp prisoner. Now, who had it worse?

Stanley:Michael, what are you doing?

Michael:It's a role-play exercise! Come on, really get into it. Who suffered more?

Toby:This is completely inappropriate.

Michael:That's what makes it funny! We're laughing in the face of adversity!

Dwight:Hello, I'm Dwight Schrute, and I'm a Jewish man. I have a large nose, and I'm very cheap.

Jim:Yeah, that's not... that's not how this works.

Pam:You're being such a typical man right now.

Jim:Oh yeah? Well you're being very Olive Garden.

Pam:Okay, fine. Women are bad drivers.

Jim:Wow, okay.

Michael:I'm very sensitive to other cultures. That's why I'm playing a hardworking Arab sheikh, and Dwight is playing a terrorist. See, that's sensitivity—I'm the good guy.

Jim:Mon, you want to get high?

Pam:What? No!

Jim:Come on, mon. Everyone wants to get high. It feels good, mon.

Pam:Jim, stop.

Jim:I'm telling you, mon, you want to get high. I can see it in your eyes.

Michael:Hello, welcome to my shop. I have the finest gookie cookies in all of India.

Kelly:Michael, that's not even a real thing.

Michael:Yes it is. Gookie cookie. It's very popular.

Michael:Ow! What was that for?

Kelly:That was offensive!

Michael:Okay, well, now you know what it's like to be a minority.

Michael:Still suspicious that 'Mr. Brown' was a fake name

Michael:I brought collard greens. Well, I call them color greens. You know, to be more politically correct.

Michael:So I call them the color greens. Like, you know, instead of saying 'people of color,' I say 'color greens' because it's more respectful.

Michael:I know 'colored people' is offensive, so I came up with my own term.

Michael:Buena vista, Oscar.