Michael doesn't want to upset the staff so he gets Dwight to pass on news about the company's reduced health provisions. Fed up with his nosiness, Jim and Pam pretend they are suffering from a variety of conditions including Ebola, Mad Cow Disease, spontaneous dentohydroplosion, hotdog fingers, nano-robot infection...
Season 1's densest episode: 38 jokes in 22 minutes fuels an 82-point high.
Directed by Ken Whittingham · Written by Paul Lieberstein, B.J. Novak, Mindy Kaling
WAR
42.9
Wins Above Replacement
“Health Care” ranks #48 of 186 The Office episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 82.2 — Elite. The episode packs 38 scored jokes at 1.7 per minute, averaging 7.0 on craft and 7.3 on impact, with Michael landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Dwight: Anal fissures aren't real. They're something people made up.
Kevin: I have anal fissures.
Kevin Deadpan/Understatement Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Michael: You always deliver bad news.
Jan: Yeah, well, somebody has to. And apparently it's not going to be you.
Pam: Dwight, if we're trying to lower cholesterol, why are you eating butter?
Dwight: False. Butter raises cholesterol. I'm eating butter to raise my cholesterol so that when I lower it, the results will be more impressive.
Dwight: A lion does not concern itself with the opinion of sheep. I am the lion. You are the sheep.
Dwight: (to camera) And I will be watching you.
Dwight Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Dwight: If I don't survive, tell my family I said hello. Also, I want to be cremated. And I want my ashes thrown in Schrute Farms. That way I can keep protecting my beets even in death.
Dwight Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch All Jokes — 38 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Michael: Hey, how's it going?
Michael: Hey, how's it going Pam?
Michael: Hey, how's it going Pamelamela?
Michael: Hey, how's it going Pamelamela Ding Dong?
Michael Absurdist Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Michael: Everyone, I have an announcement. I just bought a state-of-the-art copier. It's gonna revolutionize the way we do business.
Pam: It's a printer.
Pam Deadpan/Understatement Reaction Beat Michael: I care about my employees. That's why I make sure they get paid. You see, when you work, you do work, and then the company, they give you money. It's called a salary. It's a very simple concept, but I like to think of it as... a beautiful dance between employer and employee where the employer is the man and the employee is the woman, and the money is like the... the tango.
Michael Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Michael: I'm not just the boss, I'm like a doctor. I diagnose problems in this office.
Michael: So really, I should be getting paid like a doctor.
Michael: And I should probably have a medical license.
Michael: Which means I can write prescriptions.
Michael: I'm basically a doctor.
Michael Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Michael: Well, I'm not a doctor, but I am willing to learn.
Michael: Actually, you know what? I'm a doctor. I'm a specialist. I specialize in love.
Michael Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Jan: Does the plan have acupuncture?
Michael: You know what, Jan? I was just looking at the gold plan. It's got everything. Acupuncture, massage, the works. It's an excellent plan.
Michael Character Comedy Misdirection ★ Rewatch Michael: The gold plan is the way to go. It's got everything you need.
Jan: I'm not on the gold plan.
Michael: Well, you should be. It's great.
Michael: Look, someone has to make the tough calls around this orifice. That's what leadership is all about.
Michael Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Michael: You always deliver bad news.
Jan: Yeah, well, somebody has to. And apparently it's not going to be you.
Jan: You need to get a life. You sit around watching TV all day.
Michael: Jan, I'm concerned. My TV hasn't been watched in three days. It's just sitting there. Alone. Unwatched.
Jan Michael Setup/Punchline Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Jim: I have a very simple system for avoiding work. First, I tell Dwight that I'm going to the bathroom. Then I go hide in the break room for twenty minutes. Then I come back and tell him I was on an important call. It's foolproof.
Jim Character Comedy Observational ★ Rewatch Jim: You know, I've been thinking about my career here at Dunder Mifflin. I could move up, become a manager, really make something of myself.
Jim: But then I'd have to deal with corporate politics, endless meetings, dealing with people like Ryan...
Jim: So yeah, the ropes are looking pretty good right now.
Jim Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Dwight: So what exactly are my responsibilities?
Michael: Well, you'll be heading up our new wellness committee. We need to reduce healthcare costs and improve employee fitness.
Dwight: I can do that. How many people do I need to fire?
Michael: What? No, Dwight, you're not firing anyone. This is about wellness.
Dwight: Right, wellness. So... which employees are the least well?
Dwight: Finally! The conference room is mine. I'm going to have the best meetings in this office. People will travel from other branches just to experience my conference room management skills.
Michael: Dwight, it's a conference room. You don't manage it, you just... use it.
Dwight: If I don't survive, tell my family I said hello. Also, I want to be cremated. And I want my ashes thrown in Schrute Farms. That way I can keep protecting my beets even in death.
Dwight Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Dwight: A lion does not concern itself with the opinion of sheep. I am the lion. You are the sheep.
Dwight: (to camera) And I will be watching you.
Dwight Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Michael: I can't take any calls right now, I'm swamped.
Michael: Just... so much going on. Tell them I'll call them back.
Michael Reaction Beat Visual Gag Callback Dwight: As temporary manager, I demand respect for my authority.
Jim: Dwight, your nameplate still says 'Assistant Regional Manager.'
Dwight: I haven't had time to change it.
Jim: You've been temporary manager for three weeks.
Dwight Jim Character Comedy Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Callback Dwight: I don't need antibodies. I have a Schrute.
Dwight: My grandfather was bit by a wolf. By my calculations, I am 1/16th wolf. My vice-principal is retarded.
Dwight: Fact: bears eat beets. Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica.
Dwight: I have trained my immune system to recognize and destroy any infection. I can concentrate and make my white blood cells swarm any invader.
Dwight Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Pam: Dwight, if we're trying to lower cholesterol, why are you eating butter?
Dwight: False. Butter raises cholesterol. I'm eating butter to raise my cholesterol so that when I lower it, the results will be more impressive.
Michael: What? No, no, no. I never said that. You're twisting my words.
Dwight: Sir, you said it in the meeting. Everyone heard you.
Michael: Okay, well, I was speaking hypothetically. That's very different. I was asking a question.
Dwight: You made a statement.
Michael: A rhetorical statement. Which is not the same as an actual statement. It's basically a question.
Dwight: That's not how words work.
Michael: Dwight, I have a lot of experience with words. I'm very wordy. Everyone says so.
Michael: I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. So I've devised a surprise that will make everyone love me even more. First, I'll announce a mandatory fun day. Then I'll reveal it's actually a surprise party... for me. And when they're not excited enough, I'll lower the bar. Maybe just cake. Then just telling them I exist. Then just existing near them. Then existing.
Michael: I didn't knock because... I was already in here. You don't knock when you're already in a room. That's not a thing.
Michael Physical/Slapstick Visual Gag Callback Jim: It's called dentohydroplosion.
Pam: What is that?
Jim: It's when your teeth explode from moisture buildup.
Jim Pam Wordplay/Pun Absurdist ★ Rewatch Michael: I'm actually really good at improv. I do it all the time.
Michael: Okay, um... yes, and... what was the scene again?
Michael: No, wait, I got this. Uh... that's what she said?
Michael Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Dwight: Here we have a case of... Lupus. Crohn's disease. Oh, this one says 'hot dog fingers.'
Jim: What are hot dog fingers?
Dwight: I don't know, but it sounds serious.
Dwight Absurdist Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Dwight: Wait, is this a nano robot disease? How is it spreading?
Jim: Yeah, it's spreading.
Dwight Jim Setup/Punchline Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Callback Dwight: It says here that Fruity Pebbles can cause 'Froot Loops Syndrome' - a condition where your mouth turns permanently rainbow colored and you can only speak in cartoon voices.
Jim: That sounds terrible. Have you tried not eating an entire box in one sitting?
Dwight Jim Wordplay/Pun Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Dwight: I am the regional manager of this branch, and I demand you unlock this door immediately!
Jim: Sorry, I can't do that, Dwight. You're in timeout.
Dwight: Timeout?! I'm a beet farmer and a black belt in karate! You cannot put me in timeout!
Jim: You're right, you're right. I'm lowering your timeout to just five minutes.
Dwight: Jim, you're fired.
Jim: Oh, okay. Hold on one second.
Jim: *puts phone on hold*
Jim Character Comedy Misdirection ★ Rewatch Dwight: Jan, I need your authorization to terminate Jim's employment. He is a liability to this office.
Jan: No.
Dwight: But Jan, as Regional Manager, I should have the authority—
Jan: Dwight, you are not the Regional Manager. Michael is. And even if you were, the answer would still be no. Jim is a solid employee, and you firing people on a whim is exactly why you don't have that kind of authority.
Jan Setup/Punchline Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Michael: Alright everyone, gather around! I got ice cream sandwiches for everybody.
Michael: Well, almost everybody. Ryan, you're a temp, so you get a regular popsicle.
Ryan: Oh, thanks...
Michael: I know, I know. It's not fair. But that's corporate policy. You'll understand when you're full-time. Or, you know, if you ever become full-time.
Michael Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Dwight: Inverted penis.
Meredith: Yeah, I'm gonna need that covered.
Meredith Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Kevin: I think I'm having a heart attack. My left arm is numb and I can't breathe.
Meredith: Kevin, that's your pancreas. Your heart is on the right side.
Kevin: No, Meredith, the heart is on the left.
Meredith: I've been a heavy drinker for 20 years. I think I know where my organs are.
Dwight: Anal fissures aren't real. They're something people made up.
Kevin: I have anal fissures.
Kevin Deadpan/Understatement Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Michael: Okay, okay, I got this. *starts doing exaggerated physical comedy* I'm a man... but I'm also a woman! I'm a sandwich! No wait, I'm a sandwich that's also a man-woman! *makes weird voices* Noinoinoinoi! That's what Robin does, right? The voices?
Michael Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Callback Michael: What do you think the surprise is?
Angela: I don't know, but knowing this office, it's probably something stupid and a waste of time.
Angela Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Michael: Okay everyone, I have an announcement. Can I get a drum roll please?
Michael: Hello? A drum roll?
Michael: ...Anyone?
Michael Cringe/Discomfort Awkward Silence ★ Rewatch Callback ⏩ The part you fast-forward
Our scorer flagged 11:43-12:25 range with Michael's phone calls lacking strong punchlines as the stretch with the fewest or weakest comedic moments. Everything else lands harder.
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