The Dundies

Michael:Kevin doesn't get awards very often.

Michael:His only achievement would be eating donuts.

Michael:You know, recognition is like... it's like a plant. You water it, you give it sunlight, you tell it how much you appreciate its leaves, and it grows. But if you ignore it? It dies. And then it just sits there on your desk, all brown and sad, reminding you every single day of your failure as a plant parent.

Michael:That's what happens to employees without recognition. They become dead plants. Except they can talk, and they sue you.

Jim:It's like a car wreck you can't look away from.

Jim:Except you have to look at it. They make you.

Michael:Oh man, look at Jim back then. What was his nickname? Oh right... 'Tuna.'

Michael:Come on, Jim, show everybody your Dundie.

Jim:I don't know, Michael. I don't want to get cocky.

Michael:I have a room at home. It's like a shrine. To me. I go in there, and I just... cry.

Michael:TMI, Jim. TMI.

Jim:What does that mean?

Michael:Too Much Information. I used to say it all the time in the '90s. Then I stopped saying it for like ten years. But then I started saying it again.

Michael:Stanley, show them your Dundies!

Stanley:No.

Michael:What do you mean 'no'? You won a Dundie!

Stanley:I don't care about the Dundies.

Michael:You don't... how is that possible?

Michael:And the Dundie for... Whitest Sneakers goes to... Ryan!

Dwight:FACT: Bears eat beets. Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica. FACT: Bears eat beets. Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica. FACT: Bears eat beets. Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica.

Jim:Wait, Kevin's been blocking the camera this whole time?

Kevin:What? I was just standing there!

Jim:Yeah, directly in front of it.

Dwight:What does it say? What's written about Michael?

Pam:It's just bathroom graffiti.

Dwight:Bathroom graffiti? About our boss?

Pam:Yeah, someone wrote 'Michael Scott is a terrible boss' on the stall door.

Michael:Jan, you have to come to the Dundies with me. It's like... it's like a medieval kingdom, right? And I'm the king.

Jan:Michael, that's not—

Michael:And you're the queen. And all the other people at Dunder Mifflin, they're like peasants and serfs and... and jesters. And the Dundie Awards are like when the king bestows honors upon his subjects. It's beautiful, really.

Jan:It's too far to drive.

Michael:You could take the bus.

Jan:The bus? I'm a corporate executive.

Michael:So? I take the bus sometimes.

Michael:I'm going to drop the A-bomb on you.

Jan:Are you threatening me with a nuclear weapon?

Michael:What? No, I just mean I have some big news.

Jan:Because that would be illegal, Michael.

Jan:You threw a party on April 20th?

Michael:Yes, it's a very important date. April 20th is the day that... it's 4/20. Four twentieths. That's like... 80 percent of the year is over.

Michael:Well, it's called a fun raiser, not a money raiser. So technically, we raised a lot of fun.

Michael:See, what I do is I do impressions. I do a lot of impressions. And people, they don't expect it. They think, 'Oh, this guy, he's just a regular guy,' and then boom, I do the voice of Borat, or I do Christopher Walken, and they're like, 'Whoa, where did that come from?' It's all about the element of surprise, and also about my range as a performer. I studied improv at a very prestigious institution.

Michael:Carnac the Magnificent predicts... our company healthcare is worse than terrorist organizations and a hot dog stand.

Michael:You know what? I'm going to start my own comedy club. No drink minimums.

Dwight:Why do they have drink minimums?

Michael:So people will buy drinks.

Dwight:No, it's to keep out the riffraff.

Michael:That's... that's not what a minimum is, Dwight.

Angela:Dwight! What are you doing in here?

Dwight:I was looking for you. I need to discuss the--

Pam:Oh my god.

Jim:Dude.

Dwight:This is not what it looks like.

Ryan:It looks pretty bad, man.

Dwight:I was simply--

Angela:Everyone out! Now!

Dwight:Angela, please, I can explain.

Michael:Pam, you have been engaged longer than most people have been married. That's... that's actually incredible. You know what? I'm giving you an award for longest engagement. Here you go.

Michael:You know, some people might say you're just stringing Jim along, but I say you're just... you're taking your time. Which is great, because it gives you more time to think about whether this is really what you want. No pressure.

Roy:Yeah, thanks. Congrats, Pam.

Michael:Roy, that's... that's really sweet, man. I'm getting emotional.

Jim:Michael, that joke is getting old.

Michael:What? No it's not. It's hilarious. You know what? I'm gonna tell it again at the meeting.

Dwight:Whoever wrote on that bathroom wall, I'm warning you: if this continues, I will take away the women's bathroom entirely. You'll all be using the men's room. And I will be watching.

Dwight:Effective immediately, I'm converting the ladies room into a second men's room.

Pam:Wait, what? Where are we supposed to go?

Dwight:You'll use the men's room.

Pam:With the men?

Dwight:No. We'll have two men's rooms.

Dwight:And another thing! The toilet paper orientation is a reflection of one's commitment to organizational excellence!

Michael:Whoa, whoa, whoa, Dwight! That's— that's not— okay, first of all, nobody cares about—

Dwight:Nobody cares? NOBODY CARES?

Michael:No, I mean, yes, people care, but not in the way that you're— look, we have a client meeting in five minutes and you're talking about toilet paper like it's the nuclear codes!

Dwight:Standards, Michael. Standards!

Michael:Yes, standards, great, love standards, but maybe— can we just table the bathroom manifesto until after lunch? Or never? Never is also good.

Michael:Okay, people, I need to address some rumors going around about the Dundies. Now, I've heard some ridiculous things. That they're rigged? Absurd. That they're meaningless? Not true. That I give them out based on petty personal grievances and completely arbitrary criteria with no regard for actual workplace performance? Okay, that one's... that one's actually pretty fair.

Michael:Okay everyone, listen up. When you win an award, you get up there, you say thank you, you mention a few people, and you get off. That's it.

Michael:Devin, I'm talking to you specifically. If you win something tonight and you go up there and take more than 45 seconds, I will personally come up on that stage and drag you off by your hair. Do you understand me?

Pam:It's like watching a golden retriever at his own birthday party. Michael gets so excited about the Dundies, he's just running around, tail wagging, completely oblivious that he's the only one who thinks it's a good idea.

Michael:Alcohol is a serious thing. Drinking and driving, binge drinking, these are real problems that affect real people. So please, drink responsibly.

Michael:But also, try not to spill it. That's a waste.

Michael:Hey Stanley, you should bring your family to the office party!

Stanley:My wife is standing right next to you.

Michael:Oh! Well, she should come too!

Michael:Yeah, I dated someone from HR once.

Dwight:That's impossible. You've never worked in HR.

Michael:No, Dwight, I mean I dated someone who worked in the HR department.

Dwight:Oh. Well, that's still against company policy.

Michael:Yeah, I know. That's kind of the point of the story.

Michael:Hey Dwight, I just realized HR paperwork is like a woman in bed - you gotta know what you're doing or things get messy.

Dwight:Michael, that's inappropriate. Also, I don't understand. Are you saying HR paperwork has breasts? Because I've reviewed hundreds of forms and I've never seen that.

Michael:Phyllis, congratulations on winning the Busiest Beaver award.

Phyllis:Thank you, Michael.

Michael:You are truly the busiest beaver in this office.

Michael:His casual racism as 'entertainment'

Michael:And the award for hottest in the office goes to... Ryan!

Michael:Look at him. Just look at him. Those eyes, that hair, that youthful energy. I mean, come on.

Michael:Ryan, you've been voted by your peers as the most attractive person in the office!

Ryan:Um, that's... that's not appropriate.

Michael:What? It's a compliment!

Ryan:I don't think we should be rating people on their appearance at work.

Michael:Angela, this award is for being the most uptight person in the office. And that's saying something because we work with Dwight.

Michael:But seriously, your dedication to maintaining strict office decorum is... well, it's like watching someone do yoga in a business suit. Impressive, but also kind of a turn-on.

Jim:Your drinks might be empty.

Pam:No, there's still ice. When it melts, it becomes a drink.

Kelly:Why did I get an award for being racist?

Michael:You didn't get an award for being racist. You got an award for being the Whitest Snow White. It's a compliment.

Kelly:That doesn't make any sense.

Michael:Look, we got the trophies on sale at a bulk store. They were very cheap.

Michael:That joke didn't land because Dwight distracted me.

Dwight:I did nothing of the sort.

Michael:Your face was distracting me, Dwight.

Michael:Where are you from?

Heckler:Your mom's house!

Michael:Well... that doesn't even make sense.

Michael:Kevin, I'm giving you this award for your extremely active and frequent bathroom visits. Your dedication to the porcelain throne is truly inspiring. I've kept detailed notes on your schedule and I have to say, you're very regular. In fact, I'd call you the most regular person in this office.

Stanley:Last year I got a 'Great Work' award. This year it's 'Fine Work.' I'm not saying I'm disappointed, but I've been downgraded. That's what that means. Fine is one step below great. It's like going from a Porsche to a Toyota.

Michael:Pam, you won an award for having the most comfortable shoes in the office.

Pam:Really? I had no idea.

Michael:Yes. You've walked approximately 47,000 steps this year without a single blister. That's a Dundie.

Pam:I just want to thank my shoes. Without you, I wouldn't be here today. You've been with me through thick and thin. You've supported me when I needed it most. You've never judged me, even when I wore you with the wrong outfit. So thank you, shoes. This award is as much yours as it is mine.

Pam:I just want to say, when I got this award, I felt like it was a sign from God that I should finally leave Jim and pursue my dreams of becoming a cocktail waitress at Applebee's.

Jim:So Michael decided to write parody songs about everyone in the office.

Jim:By the end of the night, Dwight had changed his entire identity, Stanley had quit, and Ryan was considering witness protection.

Jim:The worst part? Michael thinks he's a comedy genius now.

Michael:I killed in there. Well, not literally killed, but I almost killed Pam.

Pam:This is the best night of my life!

Michael Scott:Pam is banned from Chili's because last time we went there, she got so drunk without an open bar.

Dwight Schrute:How is that possible?

Michael Scott:She kept ordering Long Island Iced Teas and running a tab. The manager said she spent $200 in one night.

Kelly:I feel really bad about writing that stuff in the bathroom. I mean, I didn't think anyone would actually find out it was me.

Jim:You literally wrote your name.

Kelly:...With a smiley face, so it seemed friendly.

Pam:Can I ask you a question?

Jim:You just did.

Michael:You're welcome. What'd I do?

Pam:You checked on me when I was sick.

Michael:Oh, right, right. Yeah, well, that's what a great boss does. I'm glad the jokes helped you feel better.

Pam:Actually, I meant you just asked if I was okay.

Michael:Yes, and my comedy gold helped. You're welcome.