Michaels Birthday

Michael:Phil is a very successful businessman. He drives a Corvette.

Ryan:That's not a credential.

Michael:It is to me.

Michael:The product sells itself.

Ryan:Nobody uses calling cards anymore.

Ryan:This is just a get-rich-quick scheme.

Michael:Exactly! That's what I've been saying!

Michael:A Nigerian prince needed help! What was I supposed to do? Let him suffer? I'm not a monster.

Michael:He said he had access to millions, he just needed a small amount to unlock it. That's called liquidity, Toby. I learned that in business school.

Michael:And by the way, helping royalty is basically charity. It's a tax write-off.

Michael:It's not a pyramid scheme. It's a reverse funnel system. You see, you start at the bottom with just $500, and you recruit two people under you, and they each recruit two people, and before you know it, you're at the top making all the money.

Dwight:That's a pyramid scheme.

Michael:No, Dwight, a pyramid scheme is illegal. This is a reverse funnel system.

Michael:It's not a pyramid scheme, it's a... it's a... it's...

Michael:You know what, I just realized I have a thing. A thing that I completely forgot about.

Michael:It's very important. So I'm gonna go. Right now.

Michael:Bye.

Michael:I share a birthday with Eva Longoria.

Michael:If I ever meet Teri Hatcher, I'm gonna lead with that.

Michael:You know what, Jim? I doth forgive you for being late.

Jim:Michael, that's not even how you use 'doth.'

Michael:I doth what I want.

Jim:Michael's birthday is like Christmas morning for him. He acts like a kid on Christmas morning. Which is great, except he's a 45-year-old man running a paper company. So we all just kind of... wait for him to crash around 2 PM so we can actually get some work done.

Michael:This suit is from Italy.

Michael:Actually, it's from Bulgaria.

Michael:Good luck finding one like this. It's one-of-a-kind.

Dwight:Actually, I already found it. On eBay. It's arriving tomorrow.

Michael:What?

Michael:The Party Planning Committee works 24/7, all day, yesterday.

Michael:Dwight, I taught you how to do this!

Dwight:I did exactly what you showed me.

Michael:No, no, no. You did it all wrong. It's supposed to be like this.

Dwight:But that's what I just did.

Michael:See, this is why you'll never be as good as me.

Angela:When should we bring out the cake?

Michael:1:00.

Angela:1:00?

Michael:Actually, 1:30.

Angela:Where am I supposed to get trick candles?

Michael:I don't know, that's not really my problem.

Angela:Michael wrote down that he wants a stripper gram?

Dwight:That's inappropriate for the workplace.

Angela:And he wants it to be a surprise.

Dwight:A surprise stripper gram? That's the most Michael thing I've ever heard.

Michael:Wait, what? But... we have the same birthday. We talked about this.

Jan:No, we didn't.

Michael:Yes, we did. Don't you remember? We were at that... that thing, and I said, 'Hey, we have the same birthday,' and you said...

Jan:Michael, I don't have the same birthday as you.

Michael:Well, when is your birthday then?

Jan:September 26th.

Michael:Oh. I thought you said... I could have sworn you said September 26th was my birthday too.

Michael:Are we on camera right now?

Cameraman:No, this is private.

Michael:Oh good.

Michael:You know what? I think you should take a break. You've been working really hard.

Kelly:Princess Diana's funeral was the saddest thing that ever happened. Well, except for my sister's funeral.

Michael:So nobody remembered my birthday? Fine. You know what? That's fine. I'm not upset.

Michael:I brought donuts today. Fresh donuts from Krispy Kreme. But you know what? I'm keeping them. All of them.

Michael:This is what betrayal tastes like, people. And it tastes like Boston cream.

Oscar:If it is skin cancer, you're going to die. It's not a question of if, it's a question of when. We're all going to die. Some of us sooner than others.

Jim:I'll sign for it.

Michael:My worst birthday? I was supposed to have a pony party. A pony party! And I got a severe allergic reaction to the ponies, so I had to go to the hospital instead. I missed my own pony party.

Dwight:For The Longest Time

Michael:Actually, I only like that song on the radio.

Michael:Nobody signed my birthday poster. My own mother is the only one who got me something.

Dwight:Michael, I want you to know that I care about you more than your mother ever could.

Michael:That's... that's not helpful, Dwight.

Dwight:I'm just saying, my devotion to you is unmatched. Your mother had nine months to bond with you. I've had years.

Michael:Okay, you need to stop talking now.

Michael:You know, if it was Luke Perry's birthday, his friends would throw him a party. They'd get him a cake, they'd get him presents. But me? I get nothing.

Pam:If I only had a week to live, I'd want to visit every continent, see the Great Wall of China, the Eiffel Tower, the pyramids... That would be a pretty busy week.

Dwight:It is now 2:47 PM. The exact time Michael was born. At this moment, Michael's mother was experiencing severe vaginal tearing, and the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck. The placenta was detaching from the uterine wall.

Jim:Dude, what are you doing?

Dwight:Honoring the moment of his birth.

Dwight:I want to perform the Hanukkah tradition. You know, where the Hebrews...

Jim:We need a diversion to sneak out and get Kevin something.

Pam:What kind of diversion?

Jim:I don't know, something that'll get everyone's attention.

Dwight:Attention everyone! I'm having a chair ceremony for my new ergonomic seat!

Jim:Perfect. Let's go.

Delivery guy:You ordered eight subs?

Michael Scott:No, I ordered a party sub.

Delivery guy:Yeah, eight six-foot subs.

Michael Scott:No, no, no. One party sub. Like, one long one.

Delivery guy:That's what I'm telling you. Eight subs, six feet each.

Dwight:I don't tip. The word itself is despicable. To suggest that the bare minimum I have already paid is not enough to insult the server by asking him to pay his own salary. That's the real crime.

Dwight:But as far as I'm concerned, tipping is not voluntary. If it is it's begging, and if I do not notify a някой of their error, well then I'm just as good as lying to them.

Dwight:My urologist, very good doctor, I see him every year. One time I didn't tip him. He said, 'Dwight, if it hurts when you pee, come back and see me.' So I went back, and he said, 'I'm gonna blast your kidney stone to smithereens.' That costs ten thousand dollars. That's the result of not tipping.

Michael:I got us all the same thing - the Italian BMT.

Stanley:They're all identical.

Michael:Exactly! That way there's no confusion, no fighting over who gets what. Everyone's happy.

Michael:Fine. Fine! You know what? I'm going to make these sandwiches available to everyone in the office. Free of charge. Because I'm a generous person.

Michael:And if you don't want one, that's fine. More for me. I hope you choke on something else.

Michael:My birthday party in the third grade, my parents hired a clown. Turns out it was just my uncle in makeup. And he wasn't even trying. He just showed up, ate my cake, and left. My mom thought it was hilarious. I didn't talk to her for a week.

Jim:We got Kevin 69 cups of Noodles.

Jim:I know how that sounds, but he eats like 69 cups of Noodles a year.

Michael:Kevin, where did all the sub go? There was like a whole party sub here.

Kevin:Oh yeah, I ate it.

Michael:You ate the whole sub?

Kevin:Well, I ate most of it. The rest is in my desk.

Michael:Is anyone else hungry? I'm starving.

Angela:No.

Jim:So, uh, how about this weather?

Pam:Yeah, it's... weather.

Jim:Yep. Pretty weathery.

Pam:Mm-hmm.

Jim:Well, I guess we should, uh... look at stuff?

Pam:Okay.

Michael:Kevin, please, just put the phone down. It's my birthday.

Kevin:It's my mom.

Michael:I don't care if it's the President. This is my moment.

Kevin:She's making pot roast.

Michael:Kevin!

Kevin:I gotta take it.

Michael:No, no, no, that's not right. They're supposed to relight. Pam!

Michael:Pam, come back here. We have to do this again. The candles didn't relight properly.

Pam:Michael, they're just candles.

Michael:No, Pam. This is a moment. A magical moment. And I ruined it. So we're doing it again. Right now.

Michael:Nobody hugged me on my birthday.

Oscar:Michael, Kevin's in the hospital. Maybe that's not the priority right now.

Michael:Wait, Kevin might have cancer? On my birthday? How is this happening to me?

Michael:This is supposed to be about me. My birthday. And now I have to deal with Kevin's cancer news? This is the worst birthday ever.

Jim:Attention Dunder Mifflin. This is a family dinner announcement. May the Force be with you.

Pam:Attention Dunder Mifflin shoppers, this is Pam Beesly with a special announcement.

Store employee:Ma'am, you can't touch that.

Pam:I'm making an announcement!

Store employee:You need to step away from the merchandise.

Michael:Kevin, I know this is hard, but statistically speaking, you're going to be fine. Look, 90% of people survive a heart attack.

Kevin:That's... that's not comforting.

Michael:Kevin, Kevin, Kevin. The point is, this doesn't have to ruin my birthday party next week. We're still doing the thing.

Michael:You know what they say - laughter is the best medicine.

Kevin:Actually, penicillin is the best medicine.

Michael:Well, yeah, okay, but laughter is the best medicine after that.

Michael:I didn't invite you to the party.

Toby:Well, I'm part of this office. I think it's only fair that I was invited.

Michael:Well, I'm part of this office. I think it's only fair that I was invited.

Michael:Where have you two been? I've been worried sick!

Michael:I checked all the hospitals, called the police, filed a missing persons report, checked your homes, your cars, your phones—

Michael:I even called your families and pretended to be a census worker to get information about your whereabouts.

Michael:I was *this close* to hiring a private investigator and possibly a psychic.

Kevin:Is the ice skating trip related to your birthday?

Michael:What? No! Why would you even say that? That's... that's incredibly insulting, Kevin. I plan amazing office events all the time that have nothing to do with me. This is about team bonding, about bringing us together. The fact that you would even suggest that I would use company resources to celebrate myself... I'm actually hurt right now.

Michael:I've been skating my whole life. I could've gone pro, but you know, family comes first. I wanted to be there for my kids.

Michael:Plus, the commute to the rink would've been brutal.

Michael:You should check yourself for lumps. You know, like ticking time bombs.

Pam:Ticking time bombs?

Michael:Yeah, you know, like... uh... tickling... time... bombs.

Michael:Negative? That's bad. Right? No, wait... that's good. That's great! Kevin, you're cancer-free!

Kevin:Yeah, negative means I don't have it.

Michael:Right, right. I knew that. I watch a lot of medical dramas. Although, you know what? In the real world community, negative usually means bad. Like, 'Don't be so negative, Kevin.' See? Bad thing.

Michael:Oh wow, a jersey! Let me see what number... Number One? That's perfect!

Dwight:Of course it is, Michael. You are number one. The best boss. The best friend. Number one.

Kevin:I had cancer. But I don't anymore. So that's good.