Take Your Daughter To Work Day

Michael:I'm like a witch, but instead of eating the children, I'm going to talk to them about business.

Jim:That's bribery.

Pam:Hi, I'm Pam. As in, 'Oh my God, it's Pam!' Not as in Ms. Jackson if you're nasty.

Michael:You know, Janet Jackson had that whole Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction situation, and honestly, I think she handled it really well. She just owned it, you know? Very professional.

Michael:Pam, if you ever had a wardrobe malfunction, I bet you'd handle it just as gracefully.

Michael:This office isn't really kid-friendly. I mean, it's not like I'm doing a Eddie Murphy Delirious routine here, but it's also not Shrek.

Michael:I'm like a superhero. I'm here to save the day, to fight crime, to—

Child:You're the manager.

Michael:Yes, but I'm like... okay, I'm like Captain Amazing, I have special powers that—

Child:You're just a regular man.

Michael:I'm... I'm Safety Man. I wear a helmet.

Child:That's not right. Superman can't fight Batman because Batman's not a superhero, he doesn't have any powers.

Michael:Oh, well, thank you. Thank you for the correction.

Michael:You know what? You're all a bunch of nerds.

Dwight:Greetings, small human. Your growth rate is acceptable. Your parents have done adequate work in your development.

Dwight:I calculate you are approximately 4.5 feet in vertical measurement. This is sufficient for your current age parameters.

Roy:Yeah, Becky's been having a real good time at school. You know, making friends, doing well in her classes.

Roy:Wait a minute... I should probably clean up my work computer. There's some stuff on there that... yeah, that's not appropriate for a kid to see.

Michael:Wow, Stanley, your daughter is absolutely gorgeous. Those legs go all the way up?

Stanley's Daughter:I'm in middle school.

Michael:Oh my God.

Michael:I'm not a father, I'm an uncle. And uncles are cool. Uncles don't have to discipline. That's the father's job. I'm just here to have fun and be liked. It's a much better gig, honestly. Plus, if the kid acts up, I can just leave. I don't have that legal responsibility thing.

Unknown child:I can help you with your work!

Pam:That's sweet, but... you'd actually be completely useless.

Jim:Yeah, no offense, but you have no skills whatsoever.

Jim:I was just trying to help.

Angela:I would want children like accessories - small and well-behaved.

Ryan:Kelly and I have this thing where we can see other people. It's very casual.

Kelly:We're soulmates. We're going to get married and have babies.

Ryan:See, that's not casual.

Toby:My goal is just to get one child to like me.

Jim:Sorry, hold on one second... KIDS! KIDS, NOT NOW! I'm on a call with a very important client!

Jim:I apologize, I'm so sorry about that. Where were we?

Jim:No, no, I can handle this... CECE, PUT THAT DOWN! Okay, you know what? I'm gonna have to call you back.

Michael:All aboard! Choo choo!

Michael:I'm a conductor, see? Watch out, here comes the train!

Child:Hi mister!

Michael:Hey there, little buddy! Want to shake the conductor's hand?

Michael:Ow! Ow! Okay, okay, easy with the grip there, sport!

Dwight:I feel nothing.

Dwight:You're weak.

Dwight:My name is Dwight Schrute. You will address me with respect.

Child:Okay, Mr. Poop.

Dwight:It's Schrute, not Poop.

Child:Whatever you say, Mr. Poop.

Unknown child:You look like Mother Goose.

Angela:I do not look like Mother Goose.

Unknown child:You have the same outfit.

Middle schooler:You're dorky.

Ryan:Okay.

Middle schooler:Can I have your contact information?

Stanley:You better watch yourself, Ryan. My daughter thinks you hung the moon. You break her heart, I'm gonna break your legs. Then I'm gonna break your arms. Then I'm gonna break your neck. And when I'm done with you, even Jesus won't be able to help you.

Stanley:If you stare at something long enough, it becomes part of your past.

Ryan:I'm sorry, what? Did Stanley just... threaten me with philosophy?

Dwight:It's about a tailor who cuts off children's thumbs

Dwight:It's a classic story! What's wrong with it?

Michael:Dwight, you can't tell a story about Nazis to children!

Child:What's a Nazi?

Michael:Uh... well... they're... bad people from history.

Dwight:See? Now look what you did. You made it worse.

Still calls Dwight 'Mr. Poop' as established earlier

Michael:Kids are honest, you know? They don't have that filter. They just say what they're thinking. That's why I love kids.

Michael:A kid came up to me the other day and said, 'You're cool.' Just like that. No hesitation. That's real validation right there.

Michael:Adults, they lie. They tell you what you want to hear. But a kid? A kid wouldn't waste their time telling you you're cool if you weren't. So I'm definitely cool.

Jim:We're a paper company. We sell paper.

Abby:So you compete with Staples?

Jim:Well, no, we're more of a—

Abby:Sounds like you compete with Staples.

Creed:Hey kids, you wanna see something interesting?

Children:Yeah!

Creed:Alright, check this out.

Creed:Now this here is what happens when you don't wear the right shoes for thirty years.

Children:Ewww! Gross!

Michael:I was on this kids' show back in the day. It was huge.

Michael:The tape is in my old house. Here's what you do: you go in through the basement window on the east side—it's always a little loose. Once you're in, head straight, don't turn left at the kitchen or the motion sensors go off. There's a safe behind the Sanderson portrait in the study, combination is my birthday backwards then your mother's maiden name. The tape's in a blue VHS case, right next to my acceptance letter to the Police Academy.

Michael:I don't believe in talking down to children. I treat them like little adults. That's my parenting philosophy.

Young Michael:I'm going to have a lot of kids, so they'll have to be my friends.

Child:So Michael, what are you doing now?

Michael:Well, I'm the Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin. I'm very successful.

Child:But didn't you want to be an astronaut when you were a kid?

Michael:Well, yes, but—

Child:And you're not an astronaut.

Michael:No, but I'm a manager, which is—

Child:You also wanted to be a rockstar.

Michael:I know, but that was—

Child:You can't play any instruments.

Michael:That's not... I mean, I have other accomplishments.

Child:Like what? You're divorced, you live in a condo, and you're bald.

Michael:Okay, I think we're done here.

Stanley:Your mom is really something.

Melissa:That's my stepmom, actually.

Jake:Mr. Poop!

Dwight:Oh, real mature. You know what? At least I have a job and a respectable life, unlike some people who have to hide behind silly names because their actual existence is so pathetic.

Jake:Whatever, Dwight.

Michael:Is it too late for me to have kids?

Toby:Well, you'd need a partner first.

Michael:What about my boss?

Toby:That's not... that's not how that works.

Michael:Okay, I've signed up for this online dating thing. I need a username that really captures who I am.

Michael:How about... 'Young_Girl_Lover_69'?

Michael:No wait, that sounds... that sounds really bad.

Jim:I think Michael believes that if he just plays guitar badly enough, it somehow becomes good again. Like he's gonna loop around to competence.

Pam:That's not how that works.

Jim:No, I know. But I think in Michael's mind, there's a point where bad is so bad it wraps around and becomes impressive.

Dwight:We Schrutes have always had strong family values. Children are an important part of our household.

Dwight:In fact, we eat children.

Dwight:I mean... we raise children. We raise them to be strong and productive members of society.