The Fight

Where is my desk?

Okay, well, you're the one who lost the desk. / I didn't lose my desk

Where was the last place you saw it?

I think you should retrace your steps.

Colder. Warmer. Little warmer...

Jim, I've given you this information like 20 times. / I know.

Wash your hands Kevin.

Hello, it's sempai. / Was that you mom? / No. That was my sensei. / Thought it was your mom.

Arigato goazai mashta. Hai.

I am now sempai, which is assistant sensei. / Assistant to the sensei, that's pretty cool. / Assistant sensei.

Not that a lot of people here in America know what a sempai is. But it's equally as respected as a sensei.

Michael tends to procrastinate... a bit whenever he has to do work.

But once a year, it all falls on the same Friday. And that's today. I call it the perfect storm.

'I don't want to work,' 'I just want to bang on this mug all day.'

Here's the bizzle. I have a very top secret mission for you.

Why is that secret? / Hello. Oh, God. Busy work. Ah, get away, get away. Cretin.

Shalax, Pam. Stop Pam-MSing.

What if there's a tornado, Pam? People's legs are crushed under rubble. Please, would you be so kind as to call my wife? No I can't. Because we don't have any emergency contact information.

Because Pam said it wasn't a priority. Think. Think with your head Pam.

That's the problem with being a boss, is that when you are tough, they resent you, and when you are cool, they walk all over you. / Catch-22. / Catch-22, yes.

This is Michael Jackson, calling from Wonderland. / You mean Neverland? / This is Tito.

Your major and minor lines cross at a ridge. / That sucks. / You're making this up as you go along, aren't you?

Well, at least I don't have cavities. / Yes, you have very nice teeth. / Thanks.

This is Mike Tyson.

As sempai, do you ever think there's gonna be a day, where humans and robots can peacefully coexist? / Impossible. The way they're programmed... / You're mocking me.

That's not advice. What advice sounds like is this. Don't ever bring your purple belt to work, because someone might... steal it.

Okay, give that back to me. / Okay, say please. / No, that is not a toy. / Please. / Please? / Good. And it absolutely is a toy.

This is not a toy. This is a message, for the entire office. So that everyone could see that I am capable of physically dominating them.

And this is more of a ying yang thing. The Michael is all cursive, Scott all caps. Left brain, right brain. Or duality of man.

No women or children, unless provoked. / Okay, Roy. / Warehouse guy. Doesn't count.

Michael. Could you beat up Michael? / Yeah, I don't think that would happen. / Cause we're friends. / Because I would kick his ass.

So? I've beat up black belts. Yeah. / How'd you know they were black belts? / They told me, after.

I used to run with a very tough crowd, street fighter types. Real, real bad people. I'm just lucky I got out.

When you're a jet, your're a jet all the way, right? / You're a jet?

Oh Michael! Sleeper hold. Bedtime for vato. / Stop it. / You are, the weakest link!

But sometimes your best friends, start coming in to work late and, start having dentist appointments that aren't dentist appointments.

Oh, queer! Eye, Queer Eye. That's a good show. Important show.

Well, that would be kind of worthless, because I know a ton of 14 years old girls who could kick his ass. / You know a ton of 14-year-old girls?

When we rented Armageddon... he cried at the end of it. / No... / That was because it was New Year's Eve, and it started to snow at exactly midnight.

'Oh, Bruce Willis, they're going to leave him on the asteroid.'

Did I want to harm Michael, the one man I've been hired to protect? No, I did not.

I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather, was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran. Killed 20 men, then spent the rest of the war in an allied prison camp.

My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.

I'll buy you a bag of chips. / Why are you twisting around? / French onion? / Obviously.

Nice.

Dwight can't stop you from being mugged. He's just not tough enough. / He's a purple belt. That's really high. / I could beat up Dwight. That's ridiculous. I can murder him.

Watch out Kelly, might sucker punch you. / I didn't sucker punch you Michael. / No, really? In case you didn't remember, I was defending my honor. Like samouraï.

Okay, fine, tit for tit.

If we were in a bar, right now, there would be two punches. Me punching you and you hitting the floor. / No, I'd block your first punch, rending ineffective.

You know what? I have an idea, why don't you just leave right now? Why don't you walk away from the room, okay?

The Albany branch is working right through lunch to prevent downsizing. But Michael, he decided to extend our lunch by an hour... so that we could all go down to the dojo and watch him fight Dwight.

I recognize that. That is Japanese for California roll. / No it's not. / I think it is, a guy told me about that.

Actually, it's a symbol for eternal discipline. / Wow, that is really interesting.

After a clean strike to the chest, stomach, or kidneys, I will separate you and award a point. First person to three wins, alright? / Yes, sensei! / Lot of rules. Lot of rules. On the street, we didn't have any rules. Maybe one, no kicks to the groin, home for dinner.

Okay, purple belt. / Okay, I got it. / No. / I got his pants. / That was my pants. / No points for pants.

Clean technique gentlemen. / Come on. Do that again. Do that again. I dare you.

One point. Two points. Three points. / I said break. / How many points now? / I win, I win. / No, you didn't. / Eight points, nine points.

You talkin' to me?

Raging Bull, Pacino.

Hi, Ryan. This is Saddam Hussein. / Next message. / Hey Ryan, this is your girlfriend. And I'm mad.

My emergency contact is Todd Packer. Todd F. Packer. / You know what the F stands for? / Fudge?

Just put... The hospital. / Contact number: Just put 911.

You know what, do yourself a favor. Just leave me as his contact. And I will call the hospital. Cut out the middleman.

Well, if you do anything crazy, give me a shout. / Yeah. Alright, I will, see you Monday.

Let's gang bang this thing and go home.

I have been testing you the entire day. Did you know that? / Of course.

So, effective immediately, I am promoting you, from assistant to the regional manager to assistant regional manager.

So I guess this'll just by my office. / No. No. Title change only.

Three month probationary period. Let's just not tell anybody about this right now. / Just a formality? / Absolutely. But not really.

I have so much, to learn, from you. / Yes you do. / Thank you. Sensei.

I told Dwight that there is honor in losing. Which as we all know is completely ridiculous. But, there is, however, honor in making a loser feel better. Which is what I just did for Dwight.

Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

And I think I proved that today at the dojo.