Gay Witch Hunt

Which means, at my ten-year high school reunion, it will not say, 'Ryan Howard is a temp.' 'Ryan Howard is a junior sales associate at a mid-range paper supply firm.'

That'll show'em.

You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that.

I think we're just drunk. No, I'm not drunk. Are you drunk? No.

You're really gonna marry him?

Jim is gone. He's gone. I miss him so much. Oh, I cry myself to sleep. Jim!

False. I do not miss him.

No, that is the fun of this place. I call everybody 'faggy.' Why would anyone find that offensive?

It wasn't just an action movie, it was 'Die Hard.'

You don't... you don't call retarded people retards. It's bad taste. You call your friends retards when they're acting retarded.

I have been calling people faggy since I was in junior high, and I have never made this mistake.

You know? I'm just- I-I can't even imagine- the... thing.

Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime, and you could tell me... how you do that to another dude.

That sounds like a great, wonderful idea. Let's do that.

Yeah, I'm gay.

Hey, Big Tuna. You're single, right?

She's completely crazy.

Steer clear, Big Tuna. Head for open waters.

I ate a tuna sandwich on my first day... so Andy started calling me Big Tuna. I don't think any of them actually know my real name.

I went to Cornell. You ever heard of it? I graduated in four years, I never studied once, I was drunk the whole time, and I sang in the a capella group, 'Here comes Treble.'

He's always looking at the camera like this. What is that?

Well, he's not dressed in women's clothes, so...

Hey, what about Angela? She's hard and severe. She could be a gay woman. I don't know. I can imagine her with another woman. Can't you?

Let's call him and get the website. What's gaydar? Oh, oh, gaydar, yes! No, uh, I think they have it at Sharper Image.

It's sold out. Yeah, sorry about that. That's a bummer. Well, they're sold out. Damn. Try Brookstone.

Yeah, I didn't go through with the wedding. I got cold feet a few days before, and... I can't really explain it. I just had to get out of that relationship.

and I have lunch for the next five weeks.

I got them a toaster. They called off the wedding and gave the toaster back to me. I tried to return the toaster to the store, and they said they no longer sold that kind of toaster. So now my house has got two toasters.

It is so cool that you're gay. I totally underestimated you.

Yes, I am super cool. I am an accountant at a failing paper supply company. In Scranton. Much like, uh, Sir Ian McKellen.

Sure, sometimes I watch 'Will & Grace.' And I want to throw up. It's terribly loud. I do like it sometimes, when Harry Connick Jr. is on. He's so talented.

Okay. Who put my calculator in Jell-O?

I need to know who put my calculator in Jell-O or I'm gonna lose... my freakin' mind!

You know, it-it's amazing to me that in this day and age, you could be so... obtuse... a-about sexual orientation! I watch 'The L Word,' Okay? I watch 'Queer as [beep].' That's not what it's called.

Well, gay pride, right? Gay pride parade? It's not like... Gay Shame Festival.

Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair? No. Maybe. Is that what this is about? No. I don't. No. It's not possible. Anything's possible.

Well, I'm not gay, Jan, and you should know that better than anybody.

The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays.

Am I the first gay man you ever knew? Trick question. Because you can't always tell, so how would I know? Was that the right answer?

You know what? Gay porn, straight porn, it's all good. I don't particularly get into this, but, uh... You know what? I totally see the merit. And, actually... It is quite beautiful.

Did you know that 'gay' used to mean 'happy'? When I was growing up, it meant 'lame.' And now it means a man who makes love to other men.

We're all homos. Homo sapiens.

Oscar, why don't you take this opportunity to officially come out to everybody here, however you want to do it. Go ahead. Stand up. I'm doing this for you.

I am not offended by homosexuality. In the '60s, I made love to many, many women. Often outdoors. In the mud and the rain. And it's possible a man slipped in. There would be no way of knowing.

I bet a lot of straight men wished that applied to them. So they could go out there and have some torrid, unabashed, monkey sex.

I think all the other office gays should identify themselves, or I will do it for them. No one else in this office is gay. What about Phyllis?

And frankly, kind of amazing. See? Everybody has a chance.

Of course, we all thought you were gay in high school. Yeah, right. Ha, ha! And I take that as a compliment.

I would be the most flamboyant gay you've ever seen. I would be leading the parade covered in feathers, and just... I'd be waving that rainbow flag.

You're ignorant. And insulting. And small.

You know what? I'm gonna raise the stakes. I want you to watch this. And I want you to burn this into your brains. Because this is an image that I want you people to remember. For a long time to come.

I did it.

What is love, anyway? Maybe it's supposed to break all the rules. Like me and Jan. Or Oscar and some guy.

That's what she said. Or he said.

Kids, sometimes it pays to be gay.

It works. Heh.